Page 2 | Literally don’t understand what I’ve done wrong

cantgetmyheadroundit · 25/11/2021 15:47

Tale as old as time, I'm afraid. They're arseholes.

christmaskittenincoming · 25/11/2021 15:48

Possibly just a typical male player, chased you, got what he wanted then lost interest.

It is absolutely rotten when it happens.

I've been single for 3 years, maybe longer actually because I just can't be dealing with this.

I read another thread this morning about all the good ones being taken and I'm starting to believe it

Lasttraintolondon · 25/11/2021 15:50

I'll put an alternative point of view forward, but it could absolutely be wrong. To be clear, we're all guessing as none of us have met him!

It might be that when it came to it, he really fancied you but didn't feel a connection during sex. In no way is this anything about you, or your fault, but having had quite a few dates when I saw single I noticed this is something that both men and women do. The problem is, how do you tell someone the spark you thought was there, isn't there? Very few people are honest about this. Sleeping with someone does not equal commitment in the modern age.

Alternatively he might have just got what he wanted and then pulled back. Some people like the conquest. God knows how you get him to be honest in this - I'd stop giving it headspace, enjoy it for what it was and move on. Don't chase him OP, you sound great and you'll meet someone you do like and is right for you.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 25/11/2021 15:55

He likes the thrill of the chase and wanted a shag.

Original poster

Aperolsprizter · 25/11/2021 16:05

I feel like it was the thrill of the chase, which I’m also a fan of. I wonder sometimes if you leave it and don’t ask for a drink they start wondering why and ask you?

Re connection during sex, weirdly he kept saying how good it was and “right it felt” which was another reason I’m surprised at the lack of interest now

OP posts:

SeptemberGurl · 25/11/2021 16:06

That's really annoying, seems like a player. Sadly there are men like that, lots of them by what you see on MN. Take it as a lesson learned, and I hope you enjoyed the sex :)

PavlovsDoggie · 25/11/2021 16:11

You really have done nothing wrong! There could be any or all the reasons mentioned above, a player, he has a GF/wife, etc.

Also, and I don't mean to be critical, but perhaps you didn't "click" sexually, at least from his perspective? I've slept with a person before, and never wanted to do it again (even thought I liked the person). I've also had great sex with someone, didn't particularly like them as potential long term partner, but wanted sex with them again.

These things happen, but it must feel super annoying :(

samesign · 25/11/2021 16:13

Are men really like this?

yes unfortunately, I've been through the same too after a long marriage, went into dating again, it's quite shocking the lengths they go into to get a shag and them knowing I'm not up for anything casual.
I've too been rejected after the first night together even with him promising another date, it never happened and one 18 month relationship stringing me along telling me he wanted a commited relationship, although his actions were anything but, a few months later after we broke up he messaged me just looking for sex, he couldn't careless how hurtful that was.
I told him where to go of course!

Yep lots of shady men out there and don't be surprised if he tries it on again in the future.

Calmdown14 · 25/11/2021 16:23

He likes the power game. Best thing to do is be totally normal and unphased by the whole thing (in front of him, vent on here!)
Your best bright and breezy but only minimally interested in him. Not offhand, just like you would anyone else.
He wants you to want him and to be in control of this. Show him that he's not. Don't text, don't initiate interaction but if say you are making tea, offer him one (but not first).

I'll guarantee when you don't want him, he'll want you. And then you can tell him to do one

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 25/11/2021 16:29

Its classic the thrill of the chase til they get what they want! Play hard to get from now on. They love it! 😜❤️xx

2catsandhappy · 25/11/2021 16:36

That is a horrible way to be treated. I would be telling everyone that he was crap in bed and that he has a 'tiny' problem.
You might save someone from being treated as badly as you were.

dworky · 25/11/2021 16:50

You've done nothing wrong, you've just discovered the real him - a misogynist prick who relates to women only as sexual conquests.

SirChenjins · 25/11/2021 16:56

@Calmdown14

He likes the power game. Best thing to do is be totally normal and unphased by the whole thing (in front of him, vent on here!) Your best bright and breezy but only minimally interested in him. Not offhand, just like you would anyone else. He wants you to want him and to be in control of this. Show him that he's not. Don't text, don't initiate interaction but if say you are making tea, offer him one (but not first).

I'll guarantee when you don't want him, he'll want you. And then you can tell him to do one

Definitely this. Treat him as if he’s just the most casual of work acquaintances - and absolutely don’t go back to him, or it’ll all end in tears.

CheekyHobson · 25/11/2021 17:18

The simplest answer is usually the right one. He's a player. He likes the thrill of the chase and the 'winning' feeling of getting you into bed, but now that he's proved to himself that he's desirable, he's lost interest. He'll move onto someone else.

You can tell this by the way he's gaslighting you now. Buying you little gifts, following you on SM, flirting, compliments, all the way up to the bedroom... he didn't accidentally "give you the wrong impression". It was an active campaign to butter you up. The impression you got was exactly the impression he wanted you to get... that he liked you as a person and wanted to get closer to you. But his abrupt about-face once you'd had sex tells you clearly that he had something else in mind.

My guess is that he has low self-esteem – he doesn't think he is good-looking or charismatic enough to get laid just by going out to a bar and chatting someone up for a ONS, so he resorts to a sneakier strategy – pretending he wants a relationship and then dumping as soon as he gets the sex.

The way to handle this is not to be falsely bright and breezy. It's fine for you to feel rejected and vulnerable and hurt because that is the normal way to feel when someone goes on a campaign to win you over and then suddenly cuts you off. See him for what he really is, harden your heart and don't be afraid to be direct.

"Mate, you didn't accidentally do a damn thing. You spent months faking interest in a relationship with me so you could get laid and now you're trying to pretend I got it all wrong. That's pretty pathetic. Don't speak to me again."

liveforsummer · 25/11/2021 17:33

Many men seem to like the chase and probably believe they really like you but after they got what they want, lose interest. Come across it so many times. Just immaturity I guess. I'd not necessarily assume there was someone else (unless they just met them)

AgentJohnson · 25/11/2021 17:33

He flirted far more than me

It was all about the chase. Once he got what he wanted he quickly lost interest because a relationship was never his goal.

Just ignore him.

HaggisBurger · 25/11/2021 17:55

@CheekyHobson

The simplest answer is usually the right one. He's a player. He likes the thrill of the chase and the 'winning' feeling of getting you into bed, but now that he's proved to himself that he's desirable, he's lost interest. He'll move onto someone else.

You can tell this by the way he's gaslighting you now. Buying you little gifts, following you on SM, flirting, compliments, all the way up to the bedroom... he didn't accidentally "give you the wrong impression". It was an active campaign to butter you up. The impression you got was exactly the impression he wanted you to get... that he liked you as a person and wanted to get closer to you. But his abrupt about-face once you'd had sex tells you clearly that he had something else in mind.

My guess is that he has low self-esteem – he doesn't think he is good-looking or charismatic enough to get laid just by going out to a bar and chatting someone up for a ONS, so he resorts to a sneakier strategy – pretending he wants a relationship and then dumping as soon as he gets the sex.

The way to handle this is not to be falsely bright and breezy. It's fine for you to feel rejected and vulnerable and hurt because that is the normal way to feel when someone goes on a campaign to win you over and then suddenly cuts you off. See him for what he really is, harden your heart and don't be afraid to be direct.

"Mate, you didn't accidentally do a damn thing. You spent months faking interest in a relationship with me so you could get laid and now you're trying to pretend I got it all wrong. That's pretty pathetic. Don't speak to me again."

I like this approach !!! What a prick.

Dery · 25/11/2021 17:59

I agree you’ve done nothing wrong. Just pay attention to the fact that, if I’ve understood it right, for all his flirting and chocolate bars and going out for drinks with you in groups, he doesn’t seem to have attempted a date. I think that’s quite significant really in terms of indicating his intentions. Or lack of them.

But you’ve done nothing wrong – if it was a good time that you had then you can at least take that from it.

Pascal80 · 25/11/2021 18:01

@Aperolsprizter

Hello, Just a little thing I’ve been ruminating on for a week or so and wanted some help. About two months ago, I met a guy through working in a coworking space. We chatted and ended up really getting on. This progressed to flirting, him buying me tiny gifts (like bars of chocolate etc), giving me lifts, we went for drinks with others who work around us (it’s a smallish workspace so we’ve all ended up getting on). It’s all been very pleasant. He followed me on social media and started liking all my stuff, as you do, and I thought it was progressing nicely.

We text a little bit and again, all very nice, he’s very complimentary and said I was great, just generally nice things and chat. When I saw him in person in the workspace it felt more tense in a good way, this carried on when we went for drinks and eventually we ended up kissing and sleeping together one evening.

Long story short, immediately afterwards his actions changed - he seemed quite sad and regretful (I get this after a ONS) and then I asked him on a date and he said no and he was sorry if he’d given me that impression.

My question is why all the effort for one evening? It’s been months, others noticed it, I just find it a bit bizarre and I wondered if anyone had experienced this? I didn’t do anything weird I don’t think. Maybe a thrill of the chase type thing?

I have to see him again and I don’t know how to brazen out the fact I’ve been vulnerable and then rejected 😬

You got played.

He didn't have to put in much effort - some tiny thoughtful gifts, flirting, drinks, lifts and some charm - his usual tried and tested S.O.P. to get a woman into bed. It worked, he got what he set out to get, and it's over with. No relationship will grow out of that has it has no roots. He'll be off to the next challenge.

ElectraBlue · 25/11/2021 18:30

Did you ask him if he had a girlfriend first?

It does not sound like he asked you out on proper dates and made a real effort to get to know you.

He simply enjoyed the ego boost of flirting with you and once he got sex, he went cold.

Only advice is always ask if a guy is single, don't just assume, and make them put more effort in taking you out/getting to know you before you sleep with them.

IncompleteSenten · 25/11/2021 18:34

There are a lot of men out there who just want the thrill of the chase.
Once they've fucked you, game's over. They won. You are of no further use to them because you, the person, never mattered in the first place.

Thankfully there are more genuinely nice men out there than there are that sort of twat. Although it often doesn't seem like it.

CheekyHobson · 25/11/2021 19:35

"Mate, you didn't accidentally do a damn thing. You spent months faking interest in a relationship with me so you could get laid and now you're trying to pretend I got it all wrong. That's pretty pathetic. Don't speak to me again."

Also, just wanted to add that if you deploy this approach, as you already know that his go-to tactic is to make you doubt yourself in order to hide his own shifty behaviour, he will probably try the same again, like saying, "Okay, well I didn't want to hurt your feelings but if you're going to be rude to be, actually, the sex wasn't all that great and that's why I've lost interest."

To which you can also, honestly and directly reply, "Funny, because that is also not the impression I got when you were telling me how great and right it felt at the actual time it was happening. Maybe you need to learn to improve your communication skills because it sure seems like you give out a lot of misleading impressions."

CheekyHobson · 25/11/2021 19:36

*rude to me, that should say

LittleBeee · 25/11/2021 19:53

You've had some good advice here OP, and I'm taking note of some of these smart replies/ways to handle the situation for the very same thing I'm going through (though I've not even had the courtesy of him turning down my offer - he's just ignoring me. If he does bother to reply, I plan on telling him it's too late as I've made other plans). But what concerns me about saying some of these retorts is that you'll likely get called 'crazy' or 'too much' and the gaslighting will switch up a notch, and then he'll be able to justify his reasons for not wanting a 2nd date. It's really hard though because if you feel anything like me, you just want to vent your anger and want answers as to why he behaved in such a way that made you think he wanted more than just a ONS. It sounds like a full-on campaign of flirting! I hate that people like this seem to get away with such bad behaviour and never get called out on their actions. And to reiterate, you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Aprilx · 25/11/2021 19:54

@Aperolsprizter

So he might have a girlfriend, it’s a possibility but I just don’t get a read on that. There’s too many moving parts which could give him away to be honest (but it might be true).

What I’m worried about is the entire change in energy after the shag - from me being amazing to just sort of seeming like he wanted to get away? He flirted far more than me and was the one suggesting drinks and doing nice things and being complimentary. It just seems like a lot of effort and then awkwardness for one shag.

Are men really like this? I’ve been in a LTR and have gone back into the world shocked. I’m worried it’s the way I looked to be honest, I’m not massively beautiful (but I am funny) and I feel like he’s been out off by that, but surely he knew the way he looked?

Some men are like that, always have been. Similar thing happened to me about thirty years ago, man flirting with me for weeks and weeks, didn’t want to know after he got what he wanted. I was about 20 years old and a little naive, I didn’t really know that some men did that. Like you, it seemed like so much effort for one night but there you go.

Regarding your guy, yes as has been said, he is either already in a relationship or he just enjoyed the chase or a bit of both.