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Agonising heartbreak over best friend(who I love deeply).. how can it get better?

102 replies

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 17:18

This is a very complicated situation and I feel such agonising pain right now.
Briefly, me and my best friend were very close but when we drifted apart and didn’t have contact for about 5 years. He moved away and has been in a relationship that he’s not happy in for years. We happened to bump into each other on social media abd hit it off immediately. He claimed that there was no intimacy and he was unhappy in his relationship and also that he had already broken up with her once but then they tried to attempt things again. It got to the point where we would be in contact with me multiple times a day, he would call me on his way to work, during breaks etc and then in the evening he would wait for her to sleep and we would spend time together again. We both very quickly found ourselves in a deep emotional bond and he told me loved me. My heart jumped and id never felt such happiness before, I felt the same way so returned it. It got flirty abd it all came so naturally and whilst I’d never been so happy around someone, I felt an enormous amount of guilt. He even made serious plans to leave her because he felt he would be happier with me. I knew he felt guilty but at the same time he kept reassuring me that I’m not “the other girl”.
I understood the situation and knew that it was quite possible for him to pull back all of a sudden leaving me hurt.
That’s pretty much what happened.
He told me over text that he couldn’t handle how things are going, that he couldn’t give attention to two people and that he needed a little break from me and that he was at an all time low. I tried to be as understanding as possible without laying out all my feelings and make the situation worse and tried not to panic. I asked if he regretted getting “that way with me”. He says he doesn’t regret one bit but he wants to remain friends and tells me that I won’t lose him and he understands that I’m heartbroken. I don’t know what that means, nor do I know how long this “break” will be. Currently, it’s only been two days, which doesn’t sound like a long time but when we were in contact multiple times a day, to suddenly lose that out of the blue is hard. I feel so immobile and just want to sleep all the time. Truth is, I’m absolutely heartbroken, I feel rejected. I gave absolutely everything and fell deeply in love, and so did he. I didn’t want him to know that though. I reassured him that everything will be okay and that I will always be here. I have to desperately refrain from telling him how broken I am because I know that will push him further away. I do want to remain friends, I love him very much. Ultimately, he’s chosen his current girlfriend over me because it’s the easier move, even though he assured me otherwise. I don’t understand how men work. Does he love me or not, or am I just been taken for a fool on a puppet string? I feel absolutely dreadful but yet I’m still waiting for him to come back to me. We both developed feelings and now he wants to shut the door on that and I don’t understand why

OP posts:
DeadoftheMoon · 24/11/2021 17:21

Doesn't matter why. Block him and move on.

PleasantBirthday · 24/11/2021 17:23

Frankly? I don't think he feels the same way you do and is too cowardly to say it.

Unsubscribe.

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 17:27

I probably need blunt responses. I think I need to rationalise the situation. It’s hard to do that when you’re so emotionally involved. I can’t accept the hurt or the fact that he would do that to me

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 24/11/2021 17:29

You’ve willingly and knowingly been the other woman.

He’s chosen his girlfriend, for now. He’ll probably be back. He won’t be back free and single though, because he knows you’re waiting, and he also knows you’re willing to be his side piece. He’ll be in touch when he’s bored or needs an ego stroke or whatever.

Get used to how you’re feeling right now, because this will happen again and again. Good luck.

Tillymintpolo · 24/11/2021 17:29

You both sound about 15, block and move on

PleasantBirthday · 24/11/2021 17:30

Well, yes, it is hard and hard to accept but people can be just awful. In a sense, you're fortunate it didn't go on any longer.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 24/11/2021 17:30

@Tetratank you were the other woman, and he's showing you that he did not pick you in the end. Move on. You are worth more than being someone's bit on the side!

sorry your heart hurts Flowers

Lovelymincepies · 24/11/2021 17:30

You love the idea of him, not the real him. He's a cheating swine that has led you along to boost his own ego.

Think about why you wanted to be involved with someone in a relationship.

Move on.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 24/11/2021 17:31

Have you actually seen him F2F through all this?

Coldtoday · 24/11/2021 17:31

He’s not your best ‘friend.’ You have been having an affair, he was with her all along and now he’s dumped you. Sorry but that is what you have described.

WineAway · 24/11/2021 17:32

You’re his bit on the side or fall back girl. Don’t be available for this poor tortured wee soul when he decides to pick you up again.

PinkyPromises · 24/11/2021 17:33

Sounds like you're the OW in an emotional affair. Honestly it won't work out.

I speak from experience. It's ugly and awful. Everyone gets hurt. Walk away. Move on.

Monalotmoore · 24/11/2021 17:34

@Tetratank

I probably need blunt responses. I think I need to rationalise the situation. It’s hard to do that when you’re so emotionally involved. I can’t accept the hurt or the fact that he would do that to me
Well he has done it to you and you're going to have to accept it, otherwise your only option is vengeance and bitterness. You can either boil his kids pet bunny or tell his wife he does not love her or block him permanently and move on. Choice is yours.
PleasantBirthday · 24/11/2021 17:34

Incidentally, and I've noticed a friend in real life doing this too, you've taken the things he says about feelings literally despite all evidence to the contrary. You need to bring a more critical eye to these conversations in the future.

Men, and this is a truth my mother told me and my experience bore this out, make a determined beeline for whatever they want and never let anything stand in their way, not the feelings of the people around them or the damage they may cause, nothing. Look at how he was prepared to treat you. He hasn't done this because he's afraid of hurting anyone's feelings. He's doing this because it's what he wants to do and that's the only thing that motivates him.

IncompleteSenten · 24/11/2021 17:35

Yeah. He played you.
She doesn't understand me . We are never intimate. I love you so much. You are my soulmate.

Is she 'crazy' by any chance? Or any variation? Needy, depressed, threatens to do something if he leaves her? Anything along those lines?

I understand you are upset and I'm sorry about that but honestly, how do women still fall for this bullshit?

happydramatic · 24/11/2021 17:36

He's chosen her over you. He loves her more than he loves you.

You were the other woman, the interesting flirtation and distraction.

You need to have more dignity than being always there for him when he's treating you like crap.

Walk Away. Block Him.

Didimum · 24/11/2021 17:37

He wasn’t deeply in love with you. It was ‘grass is greener’ syndrome and he just wanted to cheat on his girlfriend. Why would you even want a man like that? Block him, don’t have any further contact and distract yourself so you can move on. And don’t be complicit in infidelity.

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 17:37

Yes. We were best friends throughout school and college and some years after that so I’ve known him for a long time. We both moved away so naturally things drifted apart as we didn’t see each other anymore. We kept in touch for a short time but eventually it turned into years after we both lived our lives I supposed

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 24/11/2021 17:37

He's not going to leave her. You definitely are the other woman. She's probably getting suspicious so he's had to back off for a while and will be back when she trusts him again but there'll always be a reason why he can't leave.

Darkpheonix · 24/11/2021 17:37

You were the OW and he picked her.

He wants to be friends, so he can keep you dangling just incase she ever dumps him.

You are 'the other girl' and he is using you.

PleasantBirthday · 24/11/2021 17:39

@Tetratank

Yes. We were best friends throughout school and college and some years after that so I’ve known him for a long time. We both moved away so naturally things drifted apart as we didn’t see each other anymore. We kept in touch for a short time but eventually it turned into years after we both lived our lives I supposed
I can see that you think this means you have reason to trust him or something but I'm not sure what relevance any of this has to how he has treated you. Why aren't you angry? The absolute hide of him to treat a friend in such a shabby way!
PleasantBirthday · 24/11/2021 17:40

And his girlfriend too, look at him treating her like that. He's no friend and no prize.

SarahBellam · 24/11/2021 17:44

Men aren’t that complicated. If he genuinely wanted to be with you he’d be with you. You’ve been an infatuation that’s worn off.

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 17:47

Yes it’s all just confusing and raw at the moment and I’m not the kind of person to feel vengeance. At least I’m not married to him after 20+ years and he decides to cheat. I imagine there’s far too many in that situation so i should probably consider myself lucky.
It’s just all confusing to me because we were close friends for so long so I felt like I knew him

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/11/2021 17:47

You aren't friends now.

He's an ex friend you had an emotional affair with therefore can't have a healthy dynamic with because it's a recipe for disaster and frankly really fucking horrible as he has a partner.

Time for you both to accept that, grow up a bit and move on.

Block him and let him go.

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