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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Agonising heartbreak over best friend(who I love deeply).. how can it get better?

102 replies

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 17:18

This is a very complicated situation and I feel such agonising pain right now.
Briefly, me and my best friend were very close but when we drifted apart and didn’t have contact for about 5 years. He moved away and has been in a relationship that he’s not happy in for years. We happened to bump into each other on social media abd hit it off immediately. He claimed that there was no intimacy and he was unhappy in his relationship and also that he had already broken up with her once but then they tried to attempt things again. It got to the point where we would be in contact with me multiple times a day, he would call me on his way to work, during breaks etc and then in the evening he would wait for her to sleep and we would spend time together again. We both very quickly found ourselves in a deep emotional bond and he told me loved me. My heart jumped and id never felt such happiness before, I felt the same way so returned it. It got flirty abd it all came so naturally and whilst I’d never been so happy around someone, I felt an enormous amount of guilt. He even made serious plans to leave her because he felt he would be happier with me. I knew he felt guilty but at the same time he kept reassuring me that I’m not “the other girl”.
I understood the situation and knew that it was quite possible for him to pull back all of a sudden leaving me hurt.
That’s pretty much what happened.
He told me over text that he couldn’t handle how things are going, that he couldn’t give attention to two people and that he needed a little break from me and that he was at an all time low. I tried to be as understanding as possible without laying out all my feelings and make the situation worse and tried not to panic. I asked if he regretted getting “that way with me”. He says he doesn’t regret one bit but he wants to remain friends and tells me that I won’t lose him and he understands that I’m heartbroken. I don’t know what that means, nor do I know how long this “break” will be. Currently, it’s only been two days, which doesn’t sound like a long time but when we were in contact multiple times a day, to suddenly lose that out of the blue is hard. I feel so immobile and just want to sleep all the time. Truth is, I’m absolutely heartbroken, I feel rejected. I gave absolutely everything and fell deeply in love, and so did he. I didn’t want him to know that though. I reassured him that everything will be okay and that I will always be here. I have to desperately refrain from telling him how broken I am because I know that will push him further away. I do want to remain friends, I love him very much. Ultimately, he’s chosen his current girlfriend over me because it’s the easier move, even though he assured me otherwise. I don’t understand how men work. Does he love me or not, or am I just been taken for a fool on a puppet string? I feel absolutely dreadful but yet I’m still waiting for him to come back to me. We both developed feelings and now he wants to shut the door on that and I don’t understand why

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 24/11/2021 18:34

I gave absolutely everything and fell deeply in love, and so did he

I'm sorry but he didn't Flowers

RantyAunty · 24/11/2021 18:35

I'm curious. During this time, did you ever see each other face to face?

HeartRainbow87 · 24/11/2021 18:40

How could you do this knowing he has a girlfriend?! Sure he’s the one emotionally cheating but you’re going along with it as well. No bloody girl code is there.

If he wanted to leave her he would.

WhatMattersMost · 24/11/2021 18:41

I haven't read the other posters' responses - only yours - but I'm betting one or two have said the same or similar:

When we know someone well, and are close to them, we can become blinded to the fact that they are really rather shit at relationships. And your friend, indeed, appears to be rather shit at relationships; and you have found yourself on the receiving end of that - probably like many women.

I remember having a talk with a complicated (aka very messed up) male friend for whom I fell hook, line, and bloody sinker. He had enough insight to ask me: "Why do you choose men who are bad for you?" He also, thankfully, had enough insight to resist my advances. Because he was right. We were good, really really good, together when there was no hope of anything more.

When we tried to move closer, we spiralled into an absolute shit-show of dysfunction.

I write all this because what you're describing feels similar. No matter how much you know him, you may never defeat his patterning. And of course you'll have your own patterns too. So I'll ask you the same thing my friend asked me:

"Why do you choose men who are bad for you?"

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 18:41

@RantyAunty

I'm curious. During this time, did you ever see each other face to face?
He moved pretty far away so it had just been phone/video calls. Much easier than making a trip to actually see me, which he was going to and promised (like many things it seems) but it meant being found out so it never happened
OP posts:
anon12345678901 · 24/11/2021 18:42

He's staying with her because he wants to and he doesn't want you. It's that simple. You were the other woman, you don't know how she treats him, you've only heard things from a liar, men say anything to get someone into bed.

Libertaire · 24/11/2021 18:44

Did you ever actually meet him, OP? Did you actually have a real physical relationship with him, or was it just on the phone / social media?

Heartdogs · 24/11/2021 18:45

You have both been behaving like a pair of pathetic idiots.

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 18:45

@WhatMattersMost

I haven't read the other posters' responses - only yours - but I'm betting one or two have said the same or similar:

When we know someone well, and are close to them, we can become blinded to the fact that they are really rather shit at relationships. And your friend, indeed, appears to be rather shit at relationships; and you have found yourself on the receiving end of that - probably like many women.

I remember having a talk with a complicated (aka very messed up) male friend for whom I fell hook, line, and bloody sinker. He had enough insight to ask me: "Why do you choose men who are bad for you?" He also, thankfully, had enough insight to resist my advances. Because he was right. We were good, really really good, together when there was no hope of anything more.

When we tried to move closer, we spiralled into an absolute shit-show of dysfunction.

I write all this because what you're describing feels similar. No matter how much you know him, you may never defeat his patterning. And of course you'll have your own patterns too. So I'll ask you the same thing my friend asked me:

"Why do you choose men who are bad for you?"

Thank you for that response. I wish he had the insight your friend did and didn’t initiate anything between if he didn’t have the balls to go through it but then want us to go back as friends. That’s why I asked him if he regretted it but he gave me a firm NO.
OP posts:
ChiefInspectorParker · 24/11/2021 18:45

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 18:46

@Libertaire

Did you ever actually meet him, OP? Did you actually have a real physical relationship with him, or was it just on the phone / social media?
Yes I was friends with him for years
OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 24/11/2021 18:54

Honestly inthink you've been a little silly. You were the other woman. He doesn't really want you, he used you. He clearly wants to be with his girlfriend or they would have spilt up, regardless of you. You can't go back to being friends now. Block him and learn your lesson from it.

SilverBirchWithout · 24/11/2021 19:02

The thing is with this type of relationship is that it never develops into a real relationship. You’ve not actually seen him in real life, so what you have experienced is a fantasy romance based mainly in each other’s heads. Very intoxicating but not real, you’re in love with the whole experience and excitement of illicit and secret calls and be part of his inner fantasy. It’s very unlikely that this would have developed beyond that, and I guess he has woken up to the reality of it all.
Try very hard to not spend all your time trying to guess what he is feeling and thinking, it’s mentally very dangerous for you - you’ll never know for certain, and whilst you’re dwelling on him, his feelings, and his relationship with his partner there is no space left for you to focus on you, your needs, and your healing.
Just accept it for what it was - a fantasy and emotional affair. Put it into a box, have a good cry, and then start looking after yourself, nuture your self-esteem - you don’t need his ‘love’ to function. Get out there and live your life.

SilverBirchWithout · 24/11/2021 19:04

Ps I do understand you did meet him in real life in the past, but this episode has taken place without you seeing each other in real life.

CouldThisReallyBe · 24/11/2021 19:05

OP you've had some hard-hitting responses here but I get it, I've been where you are, in a very close male-female friendship that crosses a boundary and feels all-consuming. Leaving the girlfriend out of the equation for now, it feels all-consuming because you already know each other so well and then you add the additional layer of romance/attraction. It's intoxicating. And like a drug you need to wean yourself off the intoxicating feeling you get with him. It will take a while, but you will be fine. If I was in your shoes (and I have been in the past) I would be thinking less about whether he's coming back to you romantically, but rather how you can put enough time and distance between you to salvage your friendship at some point in the future.

Imissmoominmama · 24/11/2021 19:12

You were his ego stroke- someone who reminded him of his youth. His messaging may well have come to the attention of his girlfriend and she’s asked him to stop.

I’m so sorry. Block him and don’t let him use you again like this.

SilverBirchWithout · 24/11/2021 19:14

Just to add some further thought, an unresolved relationship that doesn’t develop in the normal way like this can trigger a whole raft of obsessive feelings and projection of love on an individual which feels like the deepest love you have ever experienced. You might find it helpful to research ‘Limerance’.
I’ve been there!

Libertaire · 24/11/2021 19:27

@SilverBirchWithout

Ps I do understand you did meet him in real life in the past, but this episode has taken place without you seeing each other in real life.
That appears to be the case.

This was never a real romantic or sexual relationship, OP. For him, it was a bit of fun, a distraction. Maybe even a game. For you, it was a fantasy in your head which you have allowed to get completely out of proportion to reality.

Learn the lessons, block him, move on with your life and rind a real-life relationship.

MarbleQueen · 24/11/2021 19:28

Several men who I knew as teenage boys 30 years ago have contacted me via fb. They all whinge they are unhappy and are clearly looking for some sort of online affair along with free counselling.

ScrollingLeaves · 24/11/2021 19:39

I am so sorry for your unhappiness but you have to forget him altogether.

Do not under any circumstances have anything more to do with him now. Forget anything he says about ‘staying friends’. Being friends got you to this. Don’t let him use you any more.

Sonaftersonafterson · 24/11/2021 19:44

Hmm. I feel for you, honestly.

Ask yourself this, are you "there" for him and being supportive despite him being a cruel bastard because you care as a friend or because you hope he will come back to you if you wait quietly for him, with no drama? If it's the latter, dont do this. You're being a doormat.

He has had his fun now he wants to go back to his normal life and gf.

Let him.

Ps. He will be back. Don't fall for it twice x

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 24/11/2021 19:53

Guys do this shit all the time. It was an ego boost to be involved with you, then it started getting too real and he backed out. He never had any intention of leaving GF, he was just stoking his ego. This is one of the many reasons to wait until someone is single before getting involved. Although this can still happen then too. Sorry.

sandy354 · 24/11/2021 21:00

@CouldThisReallyBe

OP you've had some hard-hitting responses here but I get it, I've been where you are, in a very close male-female friendship that crosses a boundary and feels all-consuming. Leaving the girlfriend out of the equation for now, it feels all-consuming because you already know each other so well and then you add the additional layer of romance/attraction. It's intoxicating. And like a drug you need to wean yourself off the intoxicating feeling you get with him. It will take a while, but you will be fine. If I was in your shoes (and I have been in the past) I would be thinking less about whether he's coming back to you romantically, but rather how you can put enough time and distance between you to salvage your friendship at some point in the future.
Why would anyone ever want a friendship with someone that's treated you with such disrespect?
Writerkelly · 24/11/2021 21:33

People are being very black and white on here and it’s too harsh and not real. I expect he does have real feelings for you but isn’t ready to leave his relationship for whatever reason. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel for you just that he’s not in a position to

Darkpheonix · 24/11/2021 21:43

@Writerkelly

People are being very black and white on here and it’s too harsh and not real. I expect he does have real feelings for you but isn’t ready to leave his relationship for whatever reason. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel for you just that he’s not in a position to
But it's is black and white. You don't reel someone in while you are in a relationship. You don't make them think you are going to be with then when you aren't.

Loads of people, me included, have developed feelings for someone while we are in a relationship. And plenty of us, do the right thing. In my case I cut contact as I wouldn't leave my dp for this person. I took time and realised I wanted to keep what I had.

I didn't tell the other person and future fake them until they were very invested and then turn round say 'actually, nah I am not going to leave....but I need you in my life, so we can still be friends'.

If you genuinely cared for someone you wouldn't fuck them around.

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