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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Agonising heartbreak over best friend(who I love deeply).. how can it get better?

102 replies

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 17:18

This is a very complicated situation and I feel such agonising pain right now.
Briefly, me and my best friend were very close but when we drifted apart and didn’t have contact for about 5 years. He moved away and has been in a relationship that he’s not happy in for years. We happened to bump into each other on social media abd hit it off immediately. He claimed that there was no intimacy and he was unhappy in his relationship and also that he had already broken up with her once but then they tried to attempt things again. It got to the point where we would be in contact with me multiple times a day, he would call me on his way to work, during breaks etc and then in the evening he would wait for her to sleep and we would spend time together again. We both very quickly found ourselves in a deep emotional bond and he told me loved me. My heart jumped and id never felt such happiness before, I felt the same way so returned it. It got flirty abd it all came so naturally and whilst I’d never been so happy around someone, I felt an enormous amount of guilt. He even made serious plans to leave her because he felt he would be happier with me. I knew he felt guilty but at the same time he kept reassuring me that I’m not “the other girl”.
I understood the situation and knew that it was quite possible for him to pull back all of a sudden leaving me hurt.
That’s pretty much what happened.
He told me over text that he couldn’t handle how things are going, that he couldn’t give attention to two people and that he needed a little break from me and that he was at an all time low. I tried to be as understanding as possible without laying out all my feelings and make the situation worse and tried not to panic. I asked if he regretted getting “that way with me”. He says he doesn’t regret one bit but he wants to remain friends and tells me that I won’t lose him and he understands that I’m heartbroken. I don’t know what that means, nor do I know how long this “break” will be. Currently, it’s only been two days, which doesn’t sound like a long time but when we were in contact multiple times a day, to suddenly lose that out of the blue is hard. I feel so immobile and just want to sleep all the time. Truth is, I’m absolutely heartbroken, I feel rejected. I gave absolutely everything and fell deeply in love, and so did he. I didn’t want him to know that though. I reassured him that everything will be okay and that I will always be here. I have to desperately refrain from telling him how broken I am because I know that will push him further away. I do want to remain friends, I love him very much. Ultimately, he’s chosen his current girlfriend over me because it’s the easier move, even though he assured me otherwise. I don’t understand how men work. Does he love me or not, or am I just been taken for a fool on a puppet string? I feel absolutely dreadful but yet I’m still waiting for him to come back to me. We both developed feelings and now he wants to shut the door on that and I don’t understand why

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 24/11/2021 17:50

He's chosen her over you. He loves her more than he loves you.

You were the other woman, the interesting flirtation and distraction.

You need to have more dignity than being always there for him when he's treating you like crap.

Walk Away. Block Him.

Absolutely this!

You know if someone loves you and wants to be with you because they’ll actually show you and not just tell you.
Actions speak louder than words as they say.

If he wanted to be with you he would have left his partner. He didn’t.

Find someone who is going to treat you how you deserve to be treated.

hazelgrey · 24/11/2021 17:51

He chose her

You were only ever the OW

If he makes contact again then be sure he has ended it, moved in and free to become involved

You deserve better

Fallagain · 24/11/2021 17:59

Either he was using you as an ego boost or things really weren’t going well in his relationship so he started an emotional affair. Either way he is a dick and you deserve better.

You need to block him and work on your self confidence and self respect. Then start dating again.

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 17:59

@WonderfulYou

He's chosen her over you. He loves her more than he loves you.

You were the other woman, the interesting flirtation and distraction.

You need to have more dignity than being always there for him when he's treating you like crap.

Walk Away. Block Him.

Absolutely this!

You know if someone loves you and wants to be with you because they’ll actually show you and not just tell you.
Actions speak louder than words as they say.

If he wanted to be with you he would have left his partner. He didn’t.

Find someone who is going to treat you how you deserve to be treated.

You are right. I’m too worried about thinking how he feels, how she feels that I’m neglecting how I feel because I’m trying to be there for him like I owe it to him. When I say it’s agonising, it really is. I had a very toxic relationship a few years ago. We talked about this and he has been supportive of everything so it hurts even more that a friend would do that to me…and his girlfriend too even though he says it’s not like that and she and him are not involved etc etc. I told him many times to be honest with her and I waited but it seems he is too much of a coward and wants us both in his life
OP posts:
tootootaataa · 24/11/2021 18:02

Another one for block and walk away. He is not a catch...

PleasantBirthday · 24/11/2021 18:02

You actually think that the girlfriend treats him badly? Having seen what he's prepared to do to her?

You need to rethink this.

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 18:05

@PleasantBirthday

You actually think that the girlfriend treats him badly? Having seen what he's prepared to do to her?

You need to rethink this.

I can only take his word on it. I don’t know for sure what goes on.
OP posts:
PleasantBirthday · 24/11/2021 18:07

Well, I can tell you. He said any old nonsense to get you to go along with this and was prepared to throw his girlfriend under the bus. How you could accept anything he says as potentially true is just beyond me.

girlmom21 · 24/11/2021 18:07

@Tetratank but you know he's a nasty, manipulative liar

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/11/2021 18:09

I can only take his word on it. I don’t know for sure what goes on.

What you do know for sure is that he is disloyal, a liar and a coward. You know those things for sure. So perhaps base your next steps on that... and just block him and move on.

You're not friends. You're an ex friend he had an emotional affair with and then relegated.

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 18:09

@PleasantBirthday

Well, I can tell you. He said any old nonsense to get you to go along with this and was prepared to throw his girlfriend under the bus. How you could accept anything he says as potentially true is just beyond me.
I really don’t know…I fell into a trap I suppose
OP posts:
DontKnowWhatToThink7 · 24/11/2021 18:12

So sorry you're upset, OP, but honestly I think this is a blessing in disguise. I don't think he ever had any intention of leaving his girlfriend. He's not a good guy.

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 18:12

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I can only take his word on it. I don’t know for sure what goes on.

What you do know for sure is that he is disloyal, a liar and a coward. You know those things for sure. So perhaps base your next steps on that... and just block him and move on.

You're not friends. You're an ex friend he had an emotional affair with and then relegated.

I feel so foolish now. I already feel better with all of the responses. It’s what I needed to hear
OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 24/11/2021 18:12

I can only take his word on it. I don’t know for sure what goes on. - you absolutely do know what goes on because you see exactly how he is prepared to treat his partner! This really isn't the "very complicated situation" you seem to think it is - you reconnected and you were available for him to have a little fantasy life on the side which didn't in any way interfere with his real life but provided him with distraction and an ego boost.

PleasantBirthday · 24/11/2021 18:13

And women do every day (to my intense frustration!). What concerns me is that you're apparently feeling like he deserves sympathy from you because this dreadful woman has forced him to abandon your relationship.

Moonface123 · 24/11/2021 18:15

Notice how nicely he texted/dumped you, thats because he wants to keep you sweet ( and more importantly quiet. ) He's expecting you now to be a good girl and just get on with things, without him, whilst he carries on playing happy families. He thinks he' s so very clever.
So l would be inclined to text him back and say you just want to clarify a few things with his other half, for your own piece of mind, to make sure you haven' t been shat on etc , and watch him sweat. Dont let him off the hook so lightly, play with him for a while, like he's done with you. He might think twice next time.

AD3000 · 24/11/2021 18:15

If he wanted to be with you he’d be with you. You’ve been an infatuation that’s worn off

100% agree
Block, move on and don't even consider trying to be friends unless you want to be the on/off OW for years.

Moonface123 · 24/11/2021 18:17

peace, not piece.

Marianne1234 · 24/11/2021 18:20

This is your common-or-garden “I said I’d leave my wife for you but I’m not going to” situation. It’s nothing deeper or more special than that.

Head up. Move on.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 24/11/2021 18:20

I'm going for the you're a fool on a puppet string option I'm afraid.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 24/11/2021 18:23

Raise your bar, you deserve better.

"and then in the evening he would wait for her to sleep and we would spend time together again"

The man has not yet been invented who is worth this sort of carry on.

Tetratank · 24/11/2021 18:26

@PleasantBirthday

And women do every day (to my intense frustration!). What concerns me is that you're apparently feeling like he deserves sympathy from you because this dreadful woman has forced him to abandon your relationship.
You are absolutely right. It was my concern all along and how it would hurt her, no matter what kind of person she is. I only trusted that he was genuine with his apparent feelings towards me and would do her the honest gesture of letting her go, which he promised. I wanted no part of ending their relationship, he convinced me that was going to happen without me even being in the picture. I wouldn’t have given it time of day if it wasn’t for the fact we knew each other for so long so it clouded my view of him.
OP posts:
HeartsAndClubs · 24/11/2021 18:28

TBH I can see how if you’ve always had a close relationship, have confided in each other etc things could become emotional and before you know it you’ve crossed a line.

That doesn’t make it right but it doesn’t automatically mean that he’s a player in the traditional sense of the word.

Having said that, once you’ve crossed a line there’s no going back, and that line has been crossed for both of you.

Regardless of what happens now, the friendship is over.

This is one of the pitfalls of getting involved with someone who was already a friend, even if it’s a relationship where you’re both single. Because if the relationship ends then so does the friendship, and the friendship you had which meant so much before you became emotionally involved is lost forever.

You need to put this bloke behind you and move on. And don’t get involved with your friends again, even if they’re single. The price to pay is too high when it doesn’t work out.

sandy354 · 24/11/2021 18:30

He's not staying with her cos she's the easier option, he's staying with her because he wants to.

They're not married and it doesn't sound like there are kids, so it would be easy for him to walk away if he wanted to.

And if she's truly as nasty as he's lead you to believe, he'd be able to leave guilt free as he's supposedly been treating him so badly

sandy354 · 24/11/2021 18:31

*she's been supposedly treating him so badly

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