Agonising heartbreak over best friend(who I love deeply).. how can it get better?

[Tetratank]

This is a very complicated situation and I feel such agonising pain right now.
Briefly, me and my best friend were very close but when we drifted apart and didn’t have contact for about 5 years. He moved away and has been in a relationship that he’s not happy in for years. We happened to bump into each other on social media abd hit it off immediately. He claimed that there was no intimacy and he was unhappy in his relationship and also that he had already broken up with her once but then they tried to attempt things again. It got to the point where we would be in contact with me multiple times a day, he would call me on his way to work, during breaks etc and then in the evening he would wait for her to sleep and we would spend time together again. We both very quickly found ourselves in a deep emotional bond and he told me loved me. My heart jumped and id never felt such happiness before, I felt the same way so returned it. It got flirty abd it all came so naturally and whilst I’d never been so happy around someone, I felt an enormous amount of guilt. He even made serious plans to leave her because he felt he would be happier with me. I knew he felt guilty but at the same time he kept reassuring me that I’m not “the other girl”.
I understood the situation and knew that it was quite possible for him to pull back all of a sudden leaving me hurt.
That’s pretty much what happened.
He told me over text that he couldn’t handle how things are going, that he couldn’t give attention to two people and that he needed a little break from me and that he was at an all time low. I tried to be as understanding as possible without laying out all my feelings and make the situation worse and tried not to panic. I asked if he regretted getting “that way with me”. He says he doesn’t regret one bit but he wants to remain friends and tells me that I won’t lose him and he understands that I’m heartbroken. I don’t know what that means, nor do I know how long this “break” will be. Currently, it’s only been two days, which doesn’t sound like a long time but when we were in contact multiple times a day, to suddenly lose that out of the blue is hard. I feel so immobile and just want to sleep all the time. Truth is, I’m absolutely heartbroken, I feel rejected. I gave absolutely everything and fell deeply in love, and so did he. I didn’t want him to know that though. I reassured him that everything will be okay and that I will always be here. I have to desperately refrain from telling him how broken I am because I know that will push him further away. I do want to remain friends, I love him very much. Ultimately, he’s chosen his current girlfriend over me because it’s the easier move, even though he assured me otherwise. I don’t understand how men work. Does he love me or not, or am I just been taken for a fool on a puppet string? I feel absolutely dreadful but yet I’m still waiting for him to come back to me. We both developed feelings and now he wants to shut the door on that and I don’t understand why

I had a very toxic relationship a few years ago. We talked about this and he has been supportive..

This stands out above everything to me. He got in touch and then heard all about how badly hurt you had been in a previous relationship.

And instead of being actually supportive, he used your vulnerability to hurt you more

What type of man sees hurt, distress, pain & vulnerability and proceeds to exploit and worsen it?

Regardless of any friendship in the past he has identified you as vulnerable and preyed upon you.

Bolster your self esteem and work out your vulnerabilities because if you know your ‘weak spots’ you can better protect yourself when the next man (or the same one) tries to manipulate you again.

Because it will happen again, abusers know what they are looking for, and women who don’t have the same vulnerabilities may not understand or even be scathing at your ‘stupidity’ so abusers feel further justified..

“This woman is already abused so it won’t matter if I abuse her further”

And unabused women often seem to agree because why wouldn’t they? If he’s abusing them he’s not abusing us

So the abused get further abused by men, shunned by women and left feeling they don't deserve to be loved ‘properly’ and so accept more abusive behaviour and on and on.

Break the cycle in your life Tetra and recognise that in the absence of total, public, honesty and reparations, he is neither your bf or friend.

He’s just another loser trying to escape his own self-loathing by damaging and abusing you (& his gf)

You can’t fix him, but you can learn about and care for yourself and work on building your own life into something that brings you joy.

All he’ll bring you is more heartache.

Hello, just wanted to add my thoughts. I’m going through similar. Someone from my childhood noticed I’d become single and “pounced”, getting in touch with tales of shared experiences and wanting to “save” me, despite having a partner. He did his best to get me in his space (lives abroad) or get into mine. I was very wary but in my mind, it developed into a fantasy of happy-ever-after. Crucially, I didn’t show this to him, instead kept my boundary even when he started texting sexual things. I didn’t respond in the same vein. But in my head… OMG…

Ok. So fast forward and he has “dumped” me. No texts or communication. I wonder if his gf found out & was upset, or if he had a crisis of conscience. He will always be in my life (family is involved) but this “thing” had to end and I’m making my peace with it.

Things that help:

• give him clay feet. Find the hate. What kind of person does this? He’s no friend of yours

• open social circle and distract yourself

• keep boundaries strong & reinforce that in your mind

• stop romanticising. I had to delete playlists and photos

• concentrate on a healthier future with positive and fruitful friendships

Good luck! I’ll be reading on for support for myself, too.