Agonising heartbreak over best friend(who I love deeply).. how can it get better?

[Tetratank]

This is a very complicated situation and I feel such agonising pain right now.
Briefly, me and my best friend were very close but when we drifted apart and didn’t have contact for about 5 years. He moved away and has been in a relationship that he’s not happy in for years. We happened to bump into each other on social media abd hit it off immediately. He claimed that there was no intimacy and he was unhappy in his relationship and also that he had already broken up with her once but then they tried to attempt things again. It got to the point where we would be in contact with me multiple times a day, he would call me on his way to work, during breaks etc and then in the evening he would wait for her to sleep and we would spend time together again. We both very quickly found ourselves in a deep emotional bond and he told me loved me. My heart jumped and id never felt such happiness before, I felt the same way so returned it. It got flirty abd it all came so naturally and whilst I’d never been so happy around someone, I felt an enormous amount of guilt. He even made serious plans to leave her because he felt he would be happier with me. I knew he felt guilty but at the same time he kept reassuring me that I’m not “the other girl”.
I understood the situation and knew that it was quite possible for him to pull back all of a sudden leaving me hurt.
That’s pretty much what happened.
He told me over text that he couldn’t handle how things are going, that he couldn’t give attention to two people and that he needed a little break from me and that he was at an all time low. I tried to be as understanding as possible without laying out all my feelings and make the situation worse and tried not to panic. I asked if he regretted getting “that way with me”. He says he doesn’t regret one bit but he wants to remain friends and tells me that I won’t lose him and he understands that I’m heartbroken. I don’t know what that means, nor do I know how long this “break” will be. Currently, it’s only been two days, which doesn’t sound like a long time but when we were in contact multiple times a day, to suddenly lose that out of the blue is hard. I feel so immobile and just want to sleep all the time. Truth is, I’m absolutely heartbroken, I feel rejected. I gave absolutely everything and fell deeply in love, and so did he. I didn’t want him to know that though. I reassured him that everything will be okay and that I will always be here. I have to desperately refrain from telling him how broken I am because I know that will push him further away. I do want to remain friends, I love him very much. Ultimately, he’s chosen his current girlfriend over me because it’s the easier move, even though he assured me otherwise. I don’t understand how men work. Does he love me or not, or am I just been taken for a fool on a puppet string? I feel absolutely dreadful but yet I’m still waiting for him to come back to me. We both developed feelings and now he wants to shut the door on that and I don’t understand why

So, OP, would you consider some professional therapy sessions? It could help you deal with this grief, but also more importantly help you make better decisions about who to get romantically involved with in the first place?

I'm really sorry, because it's crap for you, but he was lying when he gave you that spiel about having no intimacy etc. This is just another unfaithful man who wanted to have his cake and eat it. It's likely his partner has given him an ultimatum of some kind, hence him breaking it off.

It's may not console you now, but in years to come you will look back and be thankful you didn't waste any more time on him. This was never going anywhere for you.

Please block him. His partner has likely become suspicious that something's going on, so he's laying low to lull her back into a false sense of security.
He'll be back with "oh I missed you so much, I can't stop thinking about you" etc.
Don't let yourself be in a position to receive that kind of message. He's a cruel, unfaithful man. You (and definitely his partner) deserve better.

To paraphrase...

An old male friend spun you the 'we've actually broken up but we're still living together' line.

He made it reasonably clear that wasn't actually true by only ever contacting you when his partner wasn't there or was asleep.

He spun you the line about making serious plans to leave which you accepted without any actual evidence because the plans weren't real.

She found out/had suspicions that he was cheating so he decided he'd better cool it for a bit so gave you the cold shoulder but said 'let's stay friends' so he can pick you back up if he decides to in the future.

At which point he'll probably follow the exact same pattern again.

I'm not saying this to be mean but you really need to wake up and smell the coffee!

This is a textbook emotional affair.

And it does hurt, even physically. You're essentially going cold turkey from a drug.

If you ended up living together and he was il late on his laptop doing ‘work’ or watching a ‘film’ late at night as he couldn’t sleep- would you be peaceful and able to trust him? Secure in his loyalty?

Cheating men always seem to lure their OW in with the same old story.

Sadly he is a liar. Nothing he said to you is likely to be real. It was just a little ego boost for him at your expense.

Even if you ended up together, you'd be the girlfriend and he'd have another bit on the side, he won't change he will get bored and they'll be someone else before long. I feel sorry for his unsuspecting gf. Don't feed his ego.

He’s not your best friend. If he was your best friend he wouldnt have ever got into a romantic situation with you, because he would know that unless he was 100% into you, that there would be a huge risk of losing you as a friend, so he wouldn’t have gone there. He clearly was happy to risk that friendship. You couldn’t possibly go back to just being his friend. Your only option is to let go of any sort of relationship with him, block him and move on.

@Writerkelly

People are being very black and white on here and it’s too harsh and not real. I expect he does have real feelings for you but isn’t ready to leave his relationship for whatever reason. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel for you just that he’s not in a position to

He's not ready to leave his current relationship cos he doesn't want to. It's that simple

He didn't even want to meet her irl as online is 'easier'

Someone that treats you like that doesn't even care about you or they'd have more respect.

And yes I'm being blunt but op knew (to a certain extent) that she was having an EA with a married man and is on some level wanting it to continue or for him to leave his poor wife for her

It reads as though you see him as some sort of victim in this. Forced to stay with a woman he doesn't love. But you know that isn't the case. He wasn't forced to stay with her. He could have left her at any point if he'd wanted to.

If you were 'the one' and theirs was a bad relationship, why would he choose her? Because that's what he's done. He's had an emotional affair with you, and enjoyed all the excitement that entails, but has now realised he shouldn't do that to his gf and has finished it.

He may be fond of you, but that isn't relevant. He loves her more, and has chosen her.

He wants to keep you as a friend and that could be because he doesn't want to feel like the bad guy (and you staying friends will make him feel like what he did to you was OK) or because it feeds his ego to know you're hanging around for him, or because he likes to know you're there as backup if his gf ever leaves him.

It is even possible he wants to keep you as a friend because he liked having you as a friend.

But none of those reasons are good for you, and if you remain his friend you will just prolong your hurt, whilst showing him that he can play around, be unfaithful to his gf, lie to his OW then dump her, and loses nothing.

The best thing you can do for you is to walk away with dignity. Don't beg. Don't stay in touch. Make a life that doesn't need him in it.

Your post seems to spend too much time thinking about his feelings. They aren't your problem. He is spending all his time thinking of his own feelings - he can and is taking care of himself. You worry about you and what's best for you.

OP Another very real possibility is that you were being too full on about what it was.
From what he said this is the most likely scenario.

He wants you conveniently in his inbox to moan to but he had no intention of risking his actual relationship for you.

He wasn’t a friend - he just enjoyed the attention and kept it going to feed his ego. He just wants you to keep on being his own personal fan club. I have to agree with some posts above, if a man really likes you, he’ll stop at nothing to be with you. Words are just that - words…

@SilverBirchWithout

Just to add some further thought, an unresolved relationship that doesn’t develop in the normal way like this can trigger a whole raft of obsessive feelings and projection of love on an individual which feels like the deepest love you have ever experienced. You might find it helpful to research ‘Limerance’. I’ve been there!

Limerance, yes, nailed it! Limerance is not love. It is drug-like and you will need to "de-tox" OP but you can do it...if you are determined enough! The first thing to do is block him and forget the notion of being friends with him because he wasn't being a good friend to you whilst stringing you along like this, was he? Then , as another poster said, you need to find out why you choose men who are bad for you, and set about nurturing your self-worth so you stop choosing them! I did that and in the end, did meet a man who is good for me and genuinely loves me! All the best OP, stay strong and be kind to yourself from now on!

@BornIn78

You’ve willingly and knowingly been the other woman.

He’s chosen his girlfriend, for now. He’ll probably be back. He won’t be back free and single though, because he knows you’re waiting, and he also knows you’re willing to be his side piece. He’ll be in touch when he’s bored or needs an ego stroke or whatever.

Get used to how you’re feeling right now, because this will happen again and again. Good luck.

This is so true 👆

He sounds like a manipulative creep.

Find someone who
a) is single
b) doesn't treat women like shit

And life will be much happier for you.

It sounds like it has been very intense, and so it is going to really hurt and leave a bit of a hole not having contact. I think when things are just online/on the phone we can get caught up in them and lose perspective especially if they are only conducted between two people secretly and not out in the real world.
But ime the intensity of missing him will pass sooner than you think

Some people do just get very intense and then it sort of burns out, this might have been what happened for him. Or maybe the guilt got the better of him.

It’s sad you’ve lost a friend but time to move on and learn from it. Do block him, don’t fall back into it as an ego stroke for him. You are worth more.

You have been played online . He's enjoyed the thrill and the rush . Block him - it will be much easier when you know that he cannot get to you with a message . I know it is hard to do but once you have done it you will be relieved .

I can’t accept the hurt or the fact that he would do that to me

He did it to his girlfriend. Then he did it to you.

That's just who he is. A cheat & a liar. Untrustworthy.
And YES - you've been played like a puppet, as you put it.
He gave you the oldest lines in the book & you swallowed them wholesale.
He was "unhappy", there was "no intimacy", he "wants to stay friends" (ie Hoover you in & out whenever he feels like it) & the absolute belter - "you're not the other woman".

Why did you believe his words, when all his actions showed that he was still with his g/f? How on earth could you have seen yourself as anything except "the other woman"?

This man is not your friend.
You didn't know him. I don't think you made a serious attempt to - because it was easier to swallow his bullshit than observe his actions. To accept that he had a g/f, who he was cheating on, with you, his affair partner.

Time will heal - & next time, don't accept any man who isn't free & single. Stop accepting words, & start observing behaviours.

He's lied about everything.

Block him.

And don't get involved with men who're already in a relationship again.

Men like him need the attention from women.

When their main relationship gets stale (which is bound to happen) they seek out old contacts who they can flirt with. This gives them validation and an ego boost. They can be extremely convincing as long as the affair is on their terms. Once the OW starts to demand more or the ego boost reduces they will fade OW. However they say all the right stuff as they want to maintain the image of good guy.

The reason you dropped contact a few years back was because he was happy in his relationship. Does he have children?

OP, it’s only the fact that you regarded him as a friend for many years in the past that’s letting you delude yourself into this being anything other than a textbook ‘lazy attached man’s emotional affair’ scenario — I say lazy because it didn’t exactly involve him stirring himself to do anything that involved him exerting himself, just phone stuff around his actual life.

Reread your own posts — you keep inflating his role in this. You talk about ‘spending time together’ and ‘falling deeply in love’, but it was just a lot of phone calls he fitted in around his actual relationship and job (but which unfortunately took up centre stage in your life). You call him your ‘best friend’, when in fact he’s just someone you used to know who’s inveigled into into to being his online affair partner with a lot of ‘poor me, my GF doesn’t understand me’ and promises.

I get that you’re hurt, but I think that deluding yourself into regarding this as a star-crossed lovers thing isn’t helping. You hurt because you’re coming off a drug cold-turkey. That doesn’t mean either of you was ‘in love’. Time get angry with him, and strict with yourself. Block and move on, keep busy, and maybe try therapy to figure out if your life is lacking something that made you this susceptible to this kind of cliché.

Of course he doesn’t regret it. He got a bit on the side an ego boost and didn’t even get found out.
The situation isn’t complicated at all. He lied to you, he lied to her. Why on earth does anyone believe the ‘we don’t even have sex’ line.

He’s treated you badly, I would move on.

OP - Would you be happy for your family, friends and colleagues to know about your lack of self-respect? And lack of morals?