Serial cheat!

[FragileLikeABomb]

Hey everyone

I’ve started dating (dating being the operative word) a gentleman that has admitted to being unfaithful to his ex wife whilst they were married.

He says he cheated a lot, he wasn’t happy, wasn’t happy in his job, wasn’t happy in life or at home and used it as an outlet. He says he feels horrible for what he did, blah, blah.

My question is, could he change? I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket and have decided to date around, so hopefully won’t be caught up on him. But the dates we’ve had, I’ve enjoyed. And do like him. I just don’t like the idea of his past.

Thank you.

No, he can't change.

People will say run (and I agree) but if he has truly changed its a difficult one. If he lied to you about it (even lying by omission) and you found out years down the line, that's worse imo, and would be game over for me. That said, I think that people are either cheaters or not. Non cheaters leave if they're unhappy. Cheaters cheat.

People can make mistakes and regret them and not repeat them, but serial cheating is part of who this man is I think.

No. If that is an option when he is unhappy then he is able to justify it to himself. He will be able to do so again.

He will not change

Probably a compartmentaliser so nope.

Thank you everyone.

He went through a life altering event a few years ago and believes that has made him evaluate how he was and how he wants to be going forward. He says he didn’t cheat before her, and didn’t cheat for a few years. But I agree, as do a lot of my friends. He probably won’t change.

I'd save yourself potential heartache and run, he has told you who he is and even if he has changed and realised the error of his ways, he is still capable.

What was the life altering event?

@Pepsimax99 he nearly died. Like icu, last rites.

I wouldn’t trust him but I’m surprised he’s been honest about it, the cheaters I’ve known wouldn’t admit it unless they had to and would minimise.

@Theturnofthepoo

Probably a compartmentaliser so nope.

Could you explain what this is please?

@FragileLikeABomb Tust is important in any relationship. How long ago was this?

NEXT

@Pepsimax99 a couple of years ago.

@StressyWoman he volunteered the information himself. I mean he does sound like he didn’t like that life. He hates who he was and hates that he hurt her.

Been there. Heard that story, almost to a tee. Guess what? He went on to cheat on me too. Cut your losses

I personally wouldn't write him off over this.

People cheat often because they are so utterly unhappy and cannot see a way out of the situation they are in.

People on here are so black and white and judgey about others who have affairs - but it's such a complex matter - things are rarely so simple. It could be that his unhappiness was so profound the cheating was a horrific symptom.
That doesn't mean he cannot stay faithful to you.
Also as you stated life events change people. Make them reevaluate things.... what they want or don't want.

I know someone - a friend who had a horrible marriage that sucked the life out of him with a woman who did not care for him, only wanted him for his money and made him resigned to a celibate life with no joy. She was like a parasite, never worked, and drank herself stupid.

His sisters and his parents worried about him and watched how unhappy he was. When the marriage ended because he found someone to love, they said they all felt a sense of relief that he was going to start living again, and he did.
He is decent and kind. I think they decided he was not unfaithful since there was nothing going on at all. No love, no care - just money for her to spend.
Not everyone is the same

@Anordinarymum thank you for that. I don’t think she was a parasite, he earned the most so paid for more than she did. But he just said it was a life he wasn’t happy with, and when I asked if he’s happier now, he said he is (I don’t mean dating, I mean in how his life is)

You are welcome. Life is not cut and dried is it?

People will come on here and give reasons why they / someone else has good reasons to cheat.

But every reason to cheat is a reason to leave.

Men are very rarely “trapped “ in a marriage . Because they earn more , are much much less likely to be the SAHP and are much less likely to be abused.

People usually cheat because of their sense of entitlement.

@Anordinarymum nope, it’s really not.

@FragileLikeABomb it does sound like he has shared quiet a lot of information with you so far. Have you been dating long? Does he have children with his ex wife?

@Double3xposure I asked him why he didn’t end it before and he said he didn’t want to hurt her, but ended up doing so anyway.

@Pepsimax99 he was with her nearly 20 years and they have two children.

@Pepsimax99 sorry, I read that wrong. We’ve had two dates, but been talking since September.