Serial cheat!

[FragileLikeABomb]

Hey everyone

I’ve started dating (dating being the operative word) a gentleman that has admitted to being unfaithful to his ex wife whilst they were married.

He says he cheated a lot, he wasn’t happy, wasn’t happy in his job, wasn’t happy in life or at home and used it as an outlet. He says he feels horrible for what he did, blah, blah.

My question is, could he change? I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket and have decided to date around, so hopefully won’t be caught up on him. But the dates we’ve had, I’ve enjoyed. And do like him. I just don’t like the idea of his past.

Thank you.

I used to be a serial cheat and would never do it now, of course people can change.

I’d feel more happy with someone admitting this than pretending to be squeaky clean and not owning up to their past mistakes.

I value honesty above all else (these days!)

If you're 31 and he was married for 20 years, is he a bit older than you OP? Nothing wrong with age gaps but from your description of this man he could well be a person who is only sexually attracted to younger women. (Which could of course be the true reason for his cheating on his ex).

@rampitup yeah, he’s early 40s xx

Plus, you say they were ONS when he was away. He'd have to be an extreme casanova to be able to pick up random women in one day in order to cheat 'a lot'.

Yeah this is a good point too.

It's not actually all that easy to pick up available, single, up for sex in on night women repeatedly, multiple, different women.

Men always say ONS be a they thinkkot sounds less bad; impersonal, nearly anonymous, meaningless, not lying to the women or implying there's a relationship etc etc.

We've had posters who've been cheated on on here quite a few times being told it was ons, and later found out it was not.

Id have my doubts about that too. Ordinary men aren't usually getting a tonne of no strings sex unless they're paying for it or the women think they're dating, in a potential relationship etc.

So basically he's telling you in advance what he's going to do to you once you've been together a few years? Well at least he's giving you the red flag from the outset.

I've cheated in the past and it's one my my biggest mistakes ever. BUT I've never do it again. Difficult to know what I'd do in your situation but I probably woudn't risk it as I'd be constantly worrying about it.

I was a serial cheater. I'm not now.

For me it really was about finding the right person. I can't imagine cheating on DH. With my other partners there was always something missing from the relationship, I just couldn't always recognise it at the time.

If for whatever reason DH and I separated I'd be able to recognise a new relationship wasn't right and wouldn't cheat again.

@Arabelladrinkstea

I used to be a serial cheat and would never do it now, of course people can change.

I’d feel more happy with someone admitting this than pretending to be squeaky clean and not owning up to their past mistakes.

I value honesty above all else (these days!)

Agree with this tbh. He didn’t have to admit to any of it. I know that doesn’t exactly make him stunning and brave but it should count for something!

Not the same I know, but my DP told me he was shit in bed with his ex, was only ever really concerned about his own pleasure and never tried to do anything in particular for her, or previous exes. However with me he’s the total opposite, can’t do enough for me, always makes sure I come first and won’t accept a cheeky one-sided quickie as he doesn’t want to be ‘that guy’. People do change. I appreciate that in my example those women got the sex love they settled for, whereas with cheating you don’t actually know what you’re putting up with, but in terms of a fundamental attitude shift in relationships, I think it can happen.

Sex life

It’s so annoying. On one hand he’s all I’m looking for. He’s tall, good looking (in my opinion) and easy to get on with. The last date we had was so nice and we have things planned for December. But the seeds of doubt are already planted.

Read up about narcissists and mirroring.
psychcentral.com/lib/5-early-warning-signs-that-you-are-dealing-with-a-narcissist

Not saying he is a narcissist. But it's as well to be aware of the signs as you do not want that in your life.

My honest opinion is that women tend to cheat if unhappy and something is lacking (that doesn’t make it right of course) men cheating fall into both the unhappy camp and the perfectly happy but fancy a bit extra camp too. I think the fact he was honest is good- but I would just be on your guard , as he may be feeding you a pack of bullshit

You're only 31. Plenty of time to find someone who has no red flags and you really like to get together with and have a family (if that's what you want).

Personally I wouldnt settle for someone like that.

@Animood

You're only 31. Plenty of time to find someone who has no red flags and you really like to get together with and have a family (if that's what you want).

Personally I wouldnt settle for someone like that.

Yeah he may be tall and good looking but he's a serial cheat divorcee who trashed his marriage and broke up his family/his kids home (as it was).

He could have just left and said no as long as it took to his exs asking to try, but he didn't, he fuckrd other women behind her back repeatedly and only told her when he was sure he wanted out of the marriage.

If and when it got serious between you two
You'd have to be a step mum to his kids, who've had their home broken up .... not always an easy or pleasant task.

And if you have kids of your own his income is already down by child maintenance and all the many many other demands on it from raising kids; that's your kids standard of living affected. Not to mention they share their dad with their half siblings. And blended families ard often stressful and very hard work.

(And his position/salary might look good but keep in mind he's ten years ahead of you and your peers, it should be!).

Why subject yourself and your future kids to that when you're only 31 and you can meet someone without all these complications, let alone the history of cheating on a wife.

.

How long was he cheating on her incidentally?

If it wasnt until the latter years, he was perfectly happy for quute a long term with her; he just got bored with the repetitive humdrum of longterm monogamy and family life, abd maybe her (also) hitting her 40s and becoming pre menopausal.

There's a type of man who always dumps women when they approach menopause, including wives of decades standing. The only reason they stop (and some of them don't stop) replacing wifey at around 50, is because they can't or because, even if she's approaching 40, they are now significantly older than her/she's still significantly younger than them and she'll do, or because it looks bad, or because of financial reasons etc.

I wouldn't be taking the risk he'd be cheating on me when he becomes "unhappy" or is bored by the humdrumness and strains of every day family life (when I had my kids with him and become juggling, hassled, frazzled mum & worker, as opposed to sexy young singleton) or likewise dumping me when I approach menopause for someone younger.

He's quite a risk to take.

Abd even if he weren't, your life as step parent, blended family member etc would be much more complicated (and potentially less well off) than you and a different bloke marrying and having kids together etc without all this.

He's punching with you, tall & attractive or not.

I bet you're attractive too, else his type wouldn't be entertaining you.

*replacing wife at around 40

On one hand he’s all I’m looking for. He’s tall, good looking (in my opinion) and easy to get on with.

While being attracted to someone is very important (likewise getting on with them, though in the early stages wasy yo get on with just means theyre personable/affable, which actually means nothing).....

Character is also extremely important.

Integrity being a crucial point.

Look out for that.

(He's already shown you he lacks it, and I wouldn't be relying on his epiphany to change him and keep him changed).

How someone treats someone when when no longer want them is very telling; he could've left his marriage and said a compassionate but firm.no to his exs attempts to "try" he didn't.... he repeatedly ("a lot") had sex wity other womennbehind her back and then came home to her abd their children together and said nothing, acted normal etc.

You couldn't trust this man.

Now you've said he's tall good looking, and personable I'm understanding more how he'd get so many sexual encounters; but i still doubt that they were all no strings attached, upfront, honest encounters; I'd bet he wasn't straight about his marital status or his complete lack of intention to have anything but casual sex.

I dated a serial cheater/womanizer once and thought he'd changed now he'd met me, because that's what he said. Newsflash: he didn't. He cheated.

I cheated because I was unhappy = if I tell you I don't like your behaviour you need to change it or I'll cheat on you and it'll be your fault

You'll never know the truth about his cheating during his marriage (nor will his wife, I suspect); heard the women he involved himself with a the only ones who do .... and I'd put a tidy sum of money on it not all being ONS's with zero strings and zero deceit.

*He and the women ....

No he should have the decency to end one relationship before starting another. He's not akin to this in the past so why would he change?

girlmom21
I agree.
This is damaging and provides the cheater with a 'get out' clause. The cheater is at fault yet so often the betrayed is the spouse focused on fixing the relationship/marriage convinced they played a part in the infidelity. Of course, the cheater is only too happy to watch their spouse tie themselves in knots to be a 'better' person whether appearance or personality wise. It gives the cheater the upper hand in a sense almost as though they are hanging the betrayed like a puppet.

I blamed myself and had a breakdown as a result.

I gave my tall, good looking, great in bed now ex the benefit of the doubt when I first met him - as he had cheated on his wife & she found out and divorced him. Boy was I gullible. Believed it was a one off, he’d learned from the pain he’d caused etc etc… nope! The wanker was on swinging sites for the first 6 months of our (love of his life) relationship, and saw escorts. Discovered it 2.5 years later when he’d returned to the swingers site. Tall, good looking, entitled, no integrity, no compassion. I’d rather have someone I could trust and who had integrity now. They don’t change and have plenty of opportunity to cheat if tall & good looking plus they know ALL the tricks to hide their deceit. I’d never ever think I would be the one to change a man again. It was hell.

I’m not putting my eggs in one basket and won’t be getting caught up on him. Like I said, I’m 31 and want to enjoy my life.