Serial cheat!

[FragileLikeABomb]

Hey everyone

I’ve started dating (dating being the operative word) a gentleman that has admitted to being unfaithful to his ex wife whilst they were married.

He says he cheated a lot, he wasn’t happy, wasn’t happy in his job, wasn’t happy in life or at home and used it as an outlet. He says he feels horrible for what he did, blah, blah.

My question is, could he change? I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket and have decided to date around, so hopefully won’t be caught up on him. But the dates we’ve had, I’ve enjoyed. And do like him. I just don’t like the idea of his past.

Thank you.

On one hand he’s all I’m looking for. He’s tall, good looking (in my opinion) and easy to get on with.

That's a pretty low bar to set, OP.
There are PLENTY of other tall, good looking guys who are easy to get along with.

Why settle for one with this amount of baggage & mindfuckery?

@ChargingBuck I’m asking myself the same thing.

@girlmom21

I cheated because I was unhappy = if I tell you I don't like your behaviour you need to change it or I'll cheat on you and it'll be your fault

This.

And sometimes, this:

I cheated because I was unhappy = that's news to me, says the wife, who was never, ever told that he was unhappy, nor saw any signs that he was unhappy!

Op I wouldnt even get further involved; because you'll get pulled in and catch feelings, very easily; especially if you have any sexual contact with him.

Well done op at 31, recognising what a red flag this is; many another young woman not would have, they'd have swallowed his epiphany story, and focused on his excuses (not happy) and thought "he didn't love or like or fancy his wife anymore; he likes and fancies me, I'm younger, hotter"
etc (and delude themselves about the possibility of that never happening with them too).

You're 31! That's brilliant - you can avoid this man with all his awful baggage and hang ups and find a young man like yourself with no failed marriage/ children/affairs/near death experience.

Honestly you are too young to have to put up with all that. I know shit happens, but you really don't have to take on people with all that baggage. It's a choice.

I like older men. But I appreciate there will be older men that haven’t cheated on their wives.

I’ve PM’d you because this sounds incredibly similar to my ex.

@Crazyxapparently I’ve PM’d you back. (:

I’d probably move on but it seems these days that 50% of men and women have cheated on a partner at some stage in their lives so you have 50/50 chance of not meeting a cheat.

May as well date one you like!

IMO - people who have had ONS are extremely likely to continue or do it again.

Those who have had affairs are less likely to cheat again.

@FragileLikeABomb

I like older men. But I appreciate there will be older men that haven’t cheated on their wives.

Older men are likely to have baggage, for lack of a nice phrase... never underestimate the negative complications of baggage.

Honestly, I've been there, and I'd say - if you can marry and have a family with someone who hasn't done it before and things are simple & straightforward; go for that any day.

[quote FragileLikeABomb]@ChargingBuck I’m asking myself the same thing.[/quote]
Good for you. Seriously. See PP point above congratulating you for spotting this at a young age (the age when, i.m.o. osetrogen production allows women to manage intensely stressful child-producing years without committing infanticide, but has the unfortunate side-effect of making them tolerate toxic male bullshit).

Chuck this one back OP, & hold out for one who you think a crusty old bag could tolerate. Because preferably, you want to grow old with a decent man whose values align with your own, & who won't abuse you c/o patriarchal tropes.

This guy is not that guy.

I don't subscribe to the 'once a cheat, always a cheat' theory because I'm not aware of any evidence of this, and because it can depend on circumstances. Eg someone who cheats on their bf when they are a young adult isn't necessarily going to be a lifetime cheat. Another person may be faithful for 20 years and then cheat with one person after being mistreated by their DH. I'm not defending cheating, but there is a world of difference between someone who does it serially and without conscience, and someone who does it once and it's against their normal nature.

In his case he says he was unfaithful with numerous people, on his wife of many years, in circumstances where he could have left and been honest. So I can see why that would bother you.

He may have changed, everyone of us is capable of change, but why take the risk.

Of course there is the possibility that he feels so guilty about hurting his wife that he currently believes that he would never put anyone else through that again. Perhaps he genuinely wants to be the good guy and he can be that with a new woman. Perhaps that is where his head is at right now.
Whether he would keep to that is another matter.

Hi OP - sounds exactly like my ex. He went onto cheat on me too. Does his name start with C?