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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Serial cheat!

115 replies

FragileLikeABomb · 23/11/2021 21:55

Hey everyone

I’ve started dating (dating being the operative word) a gentleman that has admitted to being unfaithful to his ex wife whilst they were married.

He says he cheated a lot, he wasn’t happy, wasn’t happy in his job, wasn’t happy in life or at home and used it as an outlet. He says he feels horrible for what he did, blah, blah.

My question is, could he change? I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket and have decided to date around, so hopefully won’t be caught up on him. But the dates we’ve had, I’ve enjoyed. And do like him. I just don’t like the idea of his past.

Thank you.

OP posts:
samesign · 23/11/2021 22:50

I would see it as a warning, I wouldn't risk it. Perhaps he has convinced himself for the moment he's changed but what if he finds himself unhappy again in future, would he find an excuse to cheat again, it's all about them as a person not who's driven them to it.

PicassoInAtoolbox · 23/11/2021 22:52

So if you go through a tough spell he'll cheat. He's basically told you that.

AsleepOnTheTrain · 23/11/2021 22:52

Men tell you how they are because when they do it again they will just say, "Well I did warn you"
My DH cheated on me 30 odd years ago and now is always telling the current gf "He will never leave her". But now he's 60 it's probably because he's too ugly and old Envy not envy

Original poster
FragileLikeABomb · 23/11/2021 22:54

@AsleepOnTheTrain I’ve heard that. Such a cliche

OP posts:
FreeElf · 23/11/2021 22:57

I wouldn’t generally judge someone on their history/past mistakes, i always base my opinions on how people treat me directly. In your situation I would enjoy the dates, take time to get to know him and judge him on the person he is now.

Pepsimax99 · 23/11/2021 22:57

@FragileLikeABomb You said he wasn't happy in his job either. Has he now changed jobs or careers? That's a lot of information to divulge after just 2 dates though, so can understand why you feel cautious.

thenewduchessofhastings · 23/11/2021 22:59

Run

Cheaters are also great liars and manipulators.

No doubt he lied to his wife about his whereabouts/behaviour and to his mistress to get her to sleep with him and continue the affair.

You don't want to potentially spend the rest of your life wondering if the man you're with is really going where he said he was,is not actually spending more time on his phone/being secretive or is he being just being really friendly with that woman you both know or if he fancies her and wants to have an affair.

Do you really want to be constantly looking over your shoulder checking on your man?

Original poster
FragileLikeABomb · 23/11/2021 23:02

@thenewduchessofhastings he didn’t have affairs, it was all ONS.

@Pepsimax99 we’ve been speaking for a few months so the information he gave was during that time, and yeah he has.

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 23/11/2021 23:03

he cheated a lot
This is what would put me off.
He is either telling the truth about his marriage, in which case he's a coward who chose to cheat "a lot" rather than fix his marriage
Or he's lying in which case he chose to cheat "a lot" because he wanted to.
Neither of those explanations are the kind of person I'd want to be in a relationship with.
I'd also be wondering if he told you so he could make you feel responsible for any future cheating he might do, by not keeping him happy enough.

It's very different to someone who had one "exit affair" imo

Original poster
FragileLikeABomb · 23/11/2021 23:05

@AdamRyan he’s admitted that he was a coward and weak. /:

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 23/11/2021 23:06

Do you want a relationship with a weak coward? Why?
Honestly I'd not be bothering. But then again my experience has borne out the mumsnet favourite, when someone tells you who they are listen.

Original poster
FragileLikeABomb · 23/11/2021 23:08

@AdamRyan we’re not in a relationship, it’s been two dates. But I ask myself the same thing. I don’t think I’d fully commit to him. My feelings matter more than his.

OP posts:
Pepsimax99 · 23/11/2021 23:09

@FragileLikeABomb Did he confess to his ex wife about his ONS or did she find out? How long ago did they get divorced?

Original poster
FragileLikeABomb · 23/11/2021 23:11

@Pepsimax99 yeah, he told her. And it was finalised a few months ago.

OP posts:
Finknottlesnewt · 23/11/2021 23:11

No I don't hold with that belief at all. All relationships are different . I cheated several times on my first husband... have been married 26 years to my second amd never cheated or even thought about it.

I would go with face value personally. Rather than MN platitudes.

gonnabeok · 23/11/2021 23:16

Run for the hills. You're probably getting a warped rundown of the actual truth, which is what a lot of cheaters do. I think you'll find if you spoke to the ex, there would be a completely different version. Leopard and spots......

Pepsimax99 · 23/11/2021 23:21

@FragileLikeABomb I recently dated someone very similar but he cheated on his ex wife 10 years ago, so I did put it to one side as it was in the past. He also had a life changing event but it was connected to his MH. We are no longer seeing each other not because of the previous cheating but because deeper feelings did not develop on either side.

rampitup · 23/11/2021 23:21

These ONS - were they paid for?

Animood · 24/11/2021 00:51

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

And he has shown you exactly who he is. Run.

ChargingBuck · 24/11/2021 00:56

Can he change?
The question isn't "can he?" but "will he?"

And I guarantee that he will not.

In telling you about his cheating, & banging on about he only did it cos He Was Unhappy etc, he is boundary-testing.
he wants you to accept his bullshit, so that when he inevitably cheats on you, it will be YOUR FAULT because He Was Unhappy.

So not only will you be on tenterhooks waiting for him to cheat, you'll be walking on eggshells, trying to Make Him Happy.

Have a read of this, & give Mr I'll Cheat If You Don't Make Me Happy a miss.
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

TacCat49 · 24/11/2021 05:14

Crikey, I wonder how many women there where if they where all ONS. This is one of those situations when I would love to talk to the ExW.

Lovinglife45 · 24/11/2021 06:14

It is interesting that he has volunteered this information after only a few dates. He could have hidden this from you.

I have been unsettled by a few posters comments regarding men they have known of being so incredibly unhappy with their wives that they turned to other women in desperation to escape.

Not all men who cheat are being abused or ill treated by their wives. Not all men who cheat are unhappy at home. Some simply see the opportunity and take it.

My stbxh was a serial cheat and whilst there were challenging times in our marriage, he did not once try to seek a counsellor or talk to me about being unhappy.

I could not reconcile as I would be constantly anxious that when the going got tough again, if I did not sleep with him enough or if I nagged him too much he would seek out women elsewhere. I would become responsible for being his keeper. I would see every other woman as a threat, whether colleague, friend or family member. If he cheated again I would inevitably blame myself for not creating a home environment in which he would not choose to cheat. I would constantly be on edge waiting for him to cheat. Even if he did not, it would not matter.

This is no way to live.

PermanentTemporary · 24/11/2021 06:22

I've been with a player, and the trouble with him was his general behaviour towards me, rather than the cheating - I had no idea until years afterwards,.although with hindsight it was obvious. I'd imagine though that it's difficult to cheat on someone and treat them exactly the same as before.

I think people's behaviour is a bit more situational than we like to think - it is very very easy to cheat now and people don't get thrown out of jobs or social life for doing it. But also he clearly does have it in him to cheat - I have it too - and there are people who genuinely don't have it in them. Those people may have other issues of course.

Original poster
FragileLikeABomb · 24/11/2021 08:07

Thanks everyone. Yeah, I think I’m gunna end it. My thoughts aren’t “oh, he’s so handsome” it’s “I wonder what he’s up to” “god, he’s been online ages and it’s not me he’s talking to” I shouldn’t be feeling like that in the first few weeks of dating. It should be fun.

Thanks for the input.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 24/11/2021 08:29

[quote ChargingBuck]Can he change?
The question isn't "can he?" but "will he?"

And I guarantee that he will not.

In telling you about his cheating, & banging on about he only did it cos He Was Unhappy etc, he is boundary-testing.
he wants you to accept his bullshit, so that when he inevitably cheats on you, it will be YOUR FAULT because He Was Unhappy.

So not only will you be on tenterhooks waiting for him to cheat, you'll be walking on eggshells, trying to Make Him Happy.

Have a read of this, & give Mr I'll Cheat If You Don't Make Me Happy a miss.
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/[/quote]
The thing is, most 'sharks' are far more subtle than the example given.

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