Serial cheat!

[FragileLikeABomb]

Hey everyone

I’ve started dating (dating being the operative word) a gentleman that has admitted to being unfaithful to his ex wife whilst they were married.

He says he cheated a lot, he wasn’t happy, wasn’t happy in his job, wasn’t happy in life or at home and used it as an outlet. He says he feels horrible for what he did, blah, blah.

My question is, could he change? I’m not putting all my eggs in one basket and have decided to date around, so hopefully won’t be caught up on him. But the dates we’ve had, I’ve enjoyed. And do like him. I just don’t like the idea of his past.

Thank you.

I’m gunna sound so naive, but why me? I didn’t give in to him straight away, he had to pursue me for 2ish months. It’s not like he saw me in his sights and thought “ooh, new target”

Nah he's just trying it on. I think with players it's almost like an gambing addiction. The thrill of the chase, can they win you round etc. If you turn him down he's lost this time but can start again with another woman.
He may even be doing the same thing with multiple women right now just to see who "bites"

You ask why you @FragileLikeABomb ? Well, you sound like a nice person from your posts. If the communication started over messaging then he would pick up on that.
Just an idea here but what if he's lost his 'wife' part of his life and is looking for a replacement? I put 'wife' like this because to him it would have been a label or a box since he clearly had no respect for her as his wife. If you got together he'd probably be faithful to you for a while and then revert to type. He can't revert to type unless he has the 'wife' box filled.
With regard to why he told you so soon of his cheating, this is because he knows you would find out if you went on to have a relationship with him. By telling you first he can then proclaim that he has 'always been honest with you'.
You need to find some way of speaking to the ex-wife if you want to pursue this relationship. Twenty years is a heck of a long time to be married.
I would want to know why he eventually confessed to her. I would imagine something happened and she found some evidence.

He is a "high risk investment".

And unlike most financial high risk investments he probably doesnt even have a high return.... unless there's something exceptional about him and his circumstances that you really really want.

If you are risk averse, don't like wasting your time/dont have time to waste, and don't fancy ending up upset, down, hurt etc with your confidence wrecked a while from now; probably best to swerve him.

My ex was very upfront early on about how he cheated on his ex wife and the reasons etc and that he was unhappy. I accepted his reasons and thought it was worth a chance. 4 years later I was the one being cheated and also the OW because she didn’t know I existed either

@mpz731play he said it became too much so that’s why he told her. He cheated away from home so said there was no way she could have found out.

@Allsortsofroses it’s not that I don’t have the time, I’m too young to be feeling this way. I’m 31, I don’t wanna be wasting my life worrying about what someone else is getting up to.

Oh and there is the most incredible (though not uncommon) level of entitlement behind his thinking & actions.

I'm in a monogamous marriage with a family, bit I'm not happy so I have a right to sex with other people behind my spouse's back. I have that right.

She can stick to the rules we agreed until such times as I choose to tell her, but I have have right to break them.

That is very fundamental, and crisis that cause (apparent) changes to personality often fade over time.

I’m 31, I don’t wanna be wasting my life worrying about what someone else is getting up to.

Imo you'd be throwing yourself away on this cheater/serial cheat who has trashed his marriage and family (in its previous form). Also sounds like he's had health problems.

Men like him are ten a penny, you encounter them all all time through your twenties onwards. He'll probably do the same to his next partner. I'd be very wary of his epiphany and compleyely changed character. All he had to.do if he was truly unhappy was tell his ex wife and leave with honesty dignity and decency. That's the exact opposite of what he did. In fact I bet he didn't even intend to leave; I bet he got caught. The "unhappy" narrative, after being caught, is part of the cheaters script.

I'd concentrate on other options.

@Allsortsofroses I asked why he didn’t just say he was unhappy and he said he knew that she would ask to try and he didn’t want that. Telling her he’d been unfaithful was a way he knew it could end. But I agree, I do think he should have been a lot more honest about how he felt. But that’s not on me, that’s on him.

The thing is, most 'sharks' are far more subtle than the example given.

& some swim right up to you & tell you they are going to bite your legs off. Yet still some women fall for the "But I'll change him!" schtick.

Not our OP though. Well done OP!

He told her because it 'became too much' ??!

Ooh I would be on high alert. He's lying of course. But playing devil's advocate, if it became 'too much' for him, what does he mean? The guilt? Not much of a man if he has to offload guilt. He could just have stopped what he was doing and kept quiet.

She definitely found him out.

Plus, you say they were ONS when he was away. He'd have to be an extreme casanova to be able to pick up random women in one day in order to cheat 'a lot'. Red, red flags.

He cheated away from home so said there was no way she could have found out.

For the sake of argument people have been caught cheating g away from home.

And women tend to have instincts about these things, even without evidence.

Anyway, we're setting a pretty low bar, if a bloke feigning to tell his wife he'd been cheating on her after repeatedly cheating on her, is seen as a plus point in his character.

*deigning

@FragileLikeABomb

I’m gunna sound so naive, but why me? I didn’t give in to him straight away, he had to pursue me for 2ish months. It’s not like he saw me in his sights and thought “ooh, new target”

Maybe he sensed your boundaries & liked the challenge. You know - see if he could fool or break a strong intelligent woman. The other suggestions PP have made make sense too.

[quote FragileLikeABomb]@Allsortsofroses I asked why he didn’t just say he was unhappy and he said he knew that she would ask to try and he didn’t want that. Telling her he’d been unfaithful was a way he knew it could end. But I agree, I do think he should have been a lot more honest about how he felt. But that’s not on me, that’s on him.[/quote]
Sorry @FragileLikeABomb but it gets worse with each post.
So he didn't have the guts to finish it, but let her finish it so that he could tell everyone that she finished it?
Jeez.
You are being played.

Personally to me it would not be worth the risk.
Yes he has been honest with you and many prospective men anyone meets could lie about reasons for breakups, but I would guard my heart.

I’m so grateful to you all. 💓

@mpz731play I agree. I wouldnt allow myself to cheat that many times if I was unhappy, I’d end the relationship. He does say that he takes the blame for the marriage ending. (Well, it wasn’t anyone else)

I cheated in a long term abusive relationship near the end , I absolutely hated that man he deserved no respect . The guy I had the affair with is now my partner . Together 5 years I would never cheat on him , he’s treated me with so much love and kindness i couldn’t do it to him . Ex partner I hope I live to see him dead before me

Haha, nope.

He's even justifying it in the smae breath. He was unhappy, bad job, the cat was sick, it was raining...

That tells you all you need to know.

People don't change!

Good of him to take the blame for the marriage ending! What an arsehole.
Men like that make me so angry. They take good women like you, women who are trusting and open to giving someone a chance, and they just use and abuse.

he said it became too much so that’s why he told her. He cheated away from home so said there was no way she could have found out.

Ah right. That'll be a lie, by the way. It will have been that someone saw him or he slipped up with messaging etc.

Just bin!

..asked why he didn’t just say he was unhappy and he said he knew that she would ask to try and he didn’t want that. Telling her he’d been unfaithful was a way he knew it could end.

Hold on just a cotton picking minute here...

That is am explanation if why he chose to finally tell his wife he'd been cheating on her.

Not an explanation of why he decided yo cheat on hef repeatedly in the first place rather than just walking out; abd noine in this world, including hos ex wife, can force him to stay in a relationship and "try" if he duesbt want to. If she kept asking to try when he walked out, simple answer "I dont want to, I dont think ot would work, it won't chabfe things for me, I'm not in love anymore .... No". On repeat, if necessary.

Ot is he saying, he knew his wife would keep wanting to try and he could never be assertive eniygh to say no; so he purposefully repeatedly cheated on her, so when he told her, he could leave without her saying she wanted try???

And in he process causing massive pain etc to his wife, making the breakup as acrimonious and messy as possible, and leaving that as something that could come out to his kids at some point etc etc ???

If the case (its not), that would indicate a rather severe lack of rational thinking, as well as decency and "bravery".

Sorry about all the typos.

He does say that he takes the blame for the marriage ending

What a martyr.

He's a billy liar.
If you want to know the truth, speak to the ex-wife.

A side question: have you broached the topic of STD's? If he was having one night stands then going home to have sex with his wife he might have an irresponsible attitude to the dangers of STDs.