Today I really f’ing hate my husband

[Sleeplessem]

I’m 39+6 weeks pregnant aka due date tomorrow. Married with a nearly 26 month old, who has a dodgy tummy and today I hate my husband, would you if you were me?

I feel quite vulnerable today, so please be kind.

All fine until after dinner, DD has a dodgy tum has a really runny poop. I’m struggling movement wise due to some really lovely PGP that means I can’t bend down. Nappy change, DH does it, that’s fine. Explosive poop. Poop on vest. Husband gets angry because I was giving him a funny look during the nappy change, in his mind that was my accusing him of something untoward. He’d actually managed to get poop on her vest after taking it off, so if there was a look it was probably that mixed with a look of pain as I tried to move. No accusations. I said this to him. Just to be clear for the post so it doesn’t come across as anything else , I’ve never not even for one millisecond ever thought he’d do anything untoward. DHs worry of being accused of things like that comes from my mother unfortunately who used to accuse my dad of things like that (wrongly and with the sole purpose of being emotionally abusive, she’s also slyly but with enough wiggle room accused DH of being like that before we even had kids due to nothing except his cultural background).

He then went onto say ‘well you had sex with your dad’. Obviously not true. But so hurtful as my dad died 4 months ago (almost to the day) and suffered greatly. He was in ICU and it left me with really bad PTSD and flashbacks, and was the most harrowing moment of my life. My mother abused me as a teen when DF lived abroad and she always used to say things like that. DH knows it.

Outside of DH and DD I have no one. I know a lot of people say that but I have literally no one. No where to go, no one to turn to or talk to. I can’t believe he’d say that to me.

I said how disgusting he was and how hurtful that is, especially because my dad was always so kind to him and used to call him son and my son. I said don’t you remember how hard is was for me, and he just said ‘well you’re not the only person to have lost a parent’. I mean I know that but still come on, how heartless. I went off then to the loo to have a cry and he just accused me of ‘playing the victim like always’ and storms off.

The man’s meant to be my life partner and friend and says that to me, 4 months almost to the day of DF passing and the day before my due date?! Wtf

@TwentinQuarantino

His comment about you 'not being the only one to lose a parent' makes me wonder could he be quite resentful about the impact his relationship with you has had with his own parents? You say his mum and entire family have been unkind to you so obviously things can't be great between him and them since he married you. Do you think you losing your dad has made him more sensitive about this? I could be totally off the mark here of course.

Its a very difficult, trying and exhausting time for you both and hopefully you can talk and work things out. Nothing excuses his shitty behaviour towards you though.

He’s never had a brilliant relationship with his father but I think marrying me and having kids with me has put extra tension with his mum. She’s said some v unkind things about me (gold digger, no family values) played some emotional games (like ignoring, pretending to be ill etc) and just being v critical. I went NC with her until I had kids and then she’s back to her critical ways about parenting but she’s the only person DD really doesn’t like and is clearly v distressed by. She used to look after her whilst we wfh but DD was do distressed by her (she also broke my trust in several instances that to me are just not acceptable) we had to stop it. I drove this more than him. Probably has something to do with it? Maybe?

The wider family, i don’t know. Most won’t actively say they don’t accept me because I’m of another cultural background, it’s mainly gossip and rumours that do the rounds. Think a lot of it has come through his mums manipulation. Some of the stuff that’s happened, mithering and some of the views have caused me to lose my cool on one or two instances.

Good luck with your labour and new arrival. 💐
All I can advise is that when you are up and about again, put a lot of effort into building up your social network.
Once you are back at work, concentrate on promotion and increasing your earning potential. Lack of money and friends seems to be the number one driver in keeping women in abusive relationships.

I don't get the lack of understanding of your initial posts; they were fairly clear.

Im sorry but your h sounds fucked up.

Firstly, because of your mum's opinions (which you presumably have never agreed with in any way) he's permanently thinking you are suspecting him of child molestation. So you can't even have an uncomfortable look on your face due to being heavily pregnant (or a wtf look because he's appears to be making such s hash of a nappy change & getting shit everywhere) without him thinking you're silently accusing him of child molestation, and then (!!) lashing out at you with crazy, apparently completely untrue allegations against your father (though in fact the accusation was termed more against you).

He presumably knows your mum had a screw loose, that her behavior was/I actually abusive but instead if acknowledging that, and being a teenager with you, he's using her unfounded malicious allegations to abuse you.

It's just completely fucked up.
She's abused you, and now he's abusing you.

It's especially abusive/awful given you've lost your Dad.

He seems like a very weird character indeed.

*being a team with you

I mean, it sounds like your Mum is an extremely challenging person to have around (in fact her behaviour would suggest that low contact or no contact would be a good idea, though I understand you feel you already have a real lack of family and social support so at this time you may not want to go low or no.contact with your remaining parent) ... she's clearly not right and the head, dishonest, malicious, twisted etc. Sges either Racist, incredibly simple minded (can't see that there are different types of people within all races (does the pitcairn island case mean all Caucasian men are also child abusers, and if so why not?), and prepared tk go as low as she could possibly go to deny yourself and your dad a relationship. In fact that could have gone to SS or into the criminal justice system, and you're saying her allegations had no basis whatsoever. Incredibly damaging to you as a young, vulnerable woman in your formative years... you couldn't even have a relationship with your dad without being paranoid she'd portray it as sexual or inappropriate.

She's an abuser, through and through.

But instead of seeing through her, dismissing her, and forming a team with you Adam so her craziness; your h seemd so immature, poorly adjusted etc that he's perpetually paranoid (that's one thing and not entirely his fault given your mum's previous allegations) but what is his fault is that he's repeating extremely offensive allegations (which you clearly said were untrue and malicious) at you.

That's not the behaviour of a decent person.

Sorry, I've rambled.

You have a crazy, malicious, abusive mother .. and instead of being on your side/team, he's goading you (actually stating them
like they're fact) with her pretty outrageous, false allegations, and about the Dad you've lost.

Using your mum's abuse to further abuse you.

And while you're heavily pregnant with his child .....

I can't say I think this guy is going to change or shape up.

Whether you decide to get rid of this guy or not, I do have to say that your mother is not going to ever be a positive factor in your life. She's always going to cause problems for you, your partner, your family.

(Do you want someone as unhinged and abusive influencing your kids?)

You could probably do with counselling if you haven't had any.

I don’t know if you’re entitled to anything when you’re on SMP? I did one of those calculators online to see what/ if I can claim and it came out with nothing (except tax free childcare and child benefit).

Not sure aboit smp, but later if your salary was low enough (eg part-time) youd get UC, 75% childcare paid child maintenance off hmm child benefit etc . Citizens advice is good for going through all this.

It's really dark & troubling that your DH would accuse uou of having sex with your own father (even as a joke or insult) - whether it was 4 months to the day he died or not, stuff like that just shouldn't be said. It's horrific. AND that he would think you giving him an 'odd look' was implying he might molest his own two year old daughter.

Sorry to sound harsh but none of that is in realms of normality. It's so unhealthy and twisted that I would really urge you to speak to a professional about what is going on here. I'm sure there is no fact in either accusation but to have these thoughts/accusations flying around is so extreme. People have fights and toxic relationships (I sure do and am posting about my annoying DH on another thread) BUT - to talk about molesting your own daughter or having sex with your father is really really out there OP

I'm not judging at all. I really hope you're OK. But I think you need to see a specialist therapist to try and work out why your family have a history of saying this kind of thing.

I think your problem is your vile Mother. She accused you of having a sexual relationship in with your Dad then accused your DH of sexually abusing your dd with no evidence in either case. You dh is sharing childcare by changing nappies but probably has words your M said ringing in his ears. Cut your toxic Mum put your life and try to get put to make new friends. Once baby is born you could take kids to soft play and chat to other young Mums. You have to make an effort to make a friend or two.

Having processed this a bit more I think that

A. Your mum was never going to be happy or nice about whoever you married, she was always going to be highly critical , bitchy etc. There was always going to be something wrong with them. In this case she had a field day with him being of Asian origin; latching onto that case involving some men of Asian origin etc.

B. It must be very unsettling, worrying and stressful indeed to have a mil who thinks all men of your race are child molesters, to be pertepually worried she'll accuse you of child abuse (whether based on something she's seen or anything her daughter could say inadvertently). Even more so because he knows she has past form for this. That she actually made allegations against her ex partner (even if she didn't make them official).

You would feel v worried and aware of the fact that if she made any sort of allegatuon at all, even if disproven (which can be difficult) that shit sticks and your reputation could be affected for life.

Not a nice position to be in, understatement.

Perhaps he is mentally preparing his defence, which includes that his partner's mother has accused her father of sexually abusing her; that their family is "fucked etc.

It still does make it right at all; he's further abusing you instead of teaming with you.

I don’t think my salary would be low enough to qualify and it’s an FTE contract too, so I could compress my hours (if the company accepts, they probably would) but I don’t think I could reduce them, at least not permanently. I think I fall in that really awkward space where you earn ‘too much’ to get any help yet ‘not enough’ to not really need it. I’ll call CAB though, nothing to lose and I might be pleasantly surprised.

Also just to be 100% Crystal clear @SoGross, I didn’t accuse him of molestation and I never would, his assumption of it actually threw me because it was so left field, but then I remembered it was something my mother used to use against him as to why we shouldn’t get married/ have kids because she claimed men from his ‘background’ were ‘prone’ to that sort of thing. It genuinely wouldn’t cross my mind to accuse someone of that.

I don’t think my salary would be low enough to qualify and it’s an FTE contract too, so I could compress my hours (if the company accepts, they probably would) but I don’t think I could reduce them, at least not permanently. I think I fall in that really awkward space where you earn ‘too much’ to get any help yet ‘not enough’ to not really need it. I’ll call CAB though, nothing to lose and I might be pleasantly surprised.

Also just to be 100% Crystal clear @SoGross, I didn’t accuse him of molestation and I never would, his assumption of it actually threw me because it was so left field, but then I remembered it was something my mother used to use against him as to why we shouldn’t get married/ have kids because she claimed men from his ‘background’ were ‘prone’ to that sort of thing. It genuinely wouldn’t cross my mind to accuse someone of that.

The way he said it though ... it's not "us against her", it's me against you", accusing you of outrageous shit you've said is not true at all (and even if it were, it wouldn't be "you had sex with your Dad", it would be "your Dad sexually abused you".

No wonder you'd find this impossible to get past op.

I think I fall in that really awkward space where you earn ‘too much’ to get any help yet ‘not enough’ to not really need it.

It might be "wrong" but sometimes it's worth reducing hours for a few yrs because you are no better off/worse off. I know some sun mums who work part-time for that reason.

OP from your many other threads, this is yet another instance of abusive behaviour from your husband. From your previous postings he's been talking to you like dirt, and treating you like dirt too.
You can't carry on like this really can you?

With very little support you're going to find yourself getting deeper and deeper into these situations. I think you need to really have a long hard think about your life going forward. None of this is going to ever ease I think you know that.

Your children are going to end up leading dysfunctional lives if things don't stop. I'd try and get some advice and counselling to make constructive decisions moving forward. I hope you manage to find some way through this, it won't be easy, but things can't carry on this way.

Can't even make sense of this...why would he say you had sex with your dad? So random and odd? What do you mean by untoward?!

Sorry- didn't read thread. Ignore me

Yeah sorry @shushits1am I didn’t really want to say paedo in the opening thread…

You’re not wrong @GertietheGherkin, obviously he’s not like it all the time these incidents are ‘rare’ (poor turn of phrase because I’m not excusing his behaviour) but they f’ing suck. He looked at anger management resources for a while and then lost interest, he improved after my dad but let’s be honest that was only 4 months ago (hardly a life time). The thought of history repeating itself makes me feel physically sick.

As pp said I need a network around me and to be in a better position financially. Don’t get me wrong my salary is ok and ‘above’ the national average but still I’d struggle to support 3 people where we live.

I had PND after my first child was born, largely due to lack of sleep actually and I’m having some counselling for anxiety and child abuse issues, could he use these against me to take the children? Especially because I have no support network?

this...why would he say you had sex with your dad? So random and odd?

Ops moth accused her Dad of having an I appropriate, sexusl relationship with her.

(In fact by the sound of op's mother, she accused them both of having an I appropriate, sexual relationship with each other, even though op was a teenager).

This seems to have been wrapped up in ops mother denying her father contact with her.

Since op has saud this I entirely untrue, her h is being abusive by raising it/repeating it.

As op has said it's even more abusive/awful because she's recently lost her Dad.

Maybe your abusive mother has messed up your boundaries & perspectives so much growing up op, that you've ended up with an abusive partner (?)

Best of luck with the labour and new arrival 💐

@Sleeplessem

Yeah sorry *@shushits1am* I didn’t really want to say paedo in the opening thread…

You’re not wrong @GertietheGherkin, obviously he’s not like it all the time these incidents are ‘rare’ (poor turn of phrase because I’m not excusing his behaviour) but they f’ing suck. He looked at anger management resources for a while and then lost interest, he improved after my dad but let’s be honest that was only 4 months ago (hardly a life time). The thought of history repeating itself makes me feel physically sick.

As pp said I need a network around me and to be in a better position financially. Don’t get me wrong my salary is ok and ‘above’ the national average but still I’d struggle to support 3 people where we live.

I had PND after my first child was born, largely due to lack of sleep actually and I’m having some counselling for anxiety and child abuse issues, could he use these against me to take the children? Especially because I have no support network?

No way

It sounds like you are doing so well considering all of this shit

In my shoes
I contacted outside agencies to help deal with my abusive ex
Woman's aid were great

Also for me when it went to court there was proof of the need for agencies to support me

Sorry that you are going through this

Thanks for all the support. I’m just so sad, I can’t believe that this is my life- it’s embarrassing. I’m so ashamed. All I wanted is to be happy and loved, but guess it’s not meant for everyone

@Sleeplessem he is the one who should be feeling ashamed, not you. You deserve so much better than how he and your mother are treating you. You don’t have to put up with this from either of them.