Today I really f’ing hate my husband

[Sleeplessem]

I’m 39+6 weeks pregnant aka due date tomorrow. Married with a nearly 26 month old, who has a dodgy tummy and today I hate my husband, would you if you were me?

I feel quite vulnerable today, so please be kind.

All fine until after dinner, DD has a dodgy tum has a really runny poop. I’m struggling movement wise due to some really lovely PGP that means I can’t bend down. Nappy change, DH does it, that’s fine. Explosive poop. Poop on vest. Husband gets angry because I was giving him a funny look during the nappy change, in his mind that was my accusing him of something untoward. He’d actually managed to get poop on her vest after taking it off, so if there was a look it was probably that mixed with a look of pain as I tried to move. No accusations. I said this to him. Just to be clear for the post so it doesn’t come across as anything else , I’ve never not even for one millisecond ever thought he’d do anything untoward. DHs worry of being accused of things like that comes from my mother unfortunately who used to accuse my dad of things like that (wrongly and with the sole purpose of being emotionally abusive, she’s also slyly but with enough wiggle room accused DH of being like that before we even had kids due to nothing except his cultural background).

He then went onto say ‘well you had sex with your dad’. Obviously not true. But so hurtful as my dad died 4 months ago (almost to the day) and suffered greatly. He was in ICU and it left me with really bad PTSD and flashbacks, and was the most harrowing moment of my life. My mother abused me as a teen when DF lived abroad and she always used to say things like that. DH knows it.

Outside of DH and DD I have no one. I know a lot of people say that but I have literally no one. No where to go, no one to turn to or talk to. I can’t believe he’d say that to me.

I said how disgusting he was and how hurtful that is, especially because my dad was always so kind to him and used to call him son and my son. I said don’t you remember how hard is was for me, and he just said ‘well you’re not the only person to have lost a parent’. I mean I know that but still come on, how heartless. I went off then to the loo to have a cry and he just accused me of ‘playing the victim like always’ and storms off.

The man’s meant to be my life partner and friend and says that to me, 4 months almost to the day of DF passing and the day before my due date?! Wtf

What aren’t people understanding about the op??

He’s awful @Sleeplessem, completely unforgivable. You are married to an arsehole.

forget your mum for now your dh was being cruel to use that against you-just because he heard it from you when youre grieving doesnt mean it should be used against you

horrid man

You need to stop all contact with your dm, op. She sounds evil and vindictive. Your relationship with your dh sounds quite toxic too. He is choosing to exploit your vulnerabilities even though he knows how traumatised you have been. Challenge him and don’t let him screw with your head.

@MoverCat

Why on earth does your DM equate being Muslim with being a paedophile?! What?!

To put it very lightly she’s not a very nice person. Classic narc and a racist- again I’m putting it v v lightly.

I’m extremely LC with her, although with xmas around the corner she’s been trying to get in contact more. Maybe this is what got under DHs skin? I dunno, kinda think it doesn’t matter. What he said and how he reacted after was awful

@DeeCeeCherry

I lost my Dad 1 year ago and Im still devastated. I had a lump in my throat reading your post OP.

Your man doesnt like you.

Im so sorry💐

You say you have no-one. You don't need to stay around a man like that just to have someone. It wont end well and you have a lot of upset and tears ahead of you in life if you're with a callous man

THIS ^^

The OP is really not that difficult to understand!

Does your DH normally lash out at you and make comments to deliberately hurt you? Because this comment is a doozy - even if it's a one off. lol there are some things that just NEVER get said by anyone with even a hint of scruples. He's so far over the line that he's left the bloody country.

Are you still in contact with your mother? Because if you are you need to stop it. She is going to drop poison into everything you do, and every relationship you have, including with your DC.

But your 'D'H sounds like an utter prick, regardless of what poison your mother has spread to this relationship.

YADNBU. You poor woman.
Your mother is evil and I don't think you should have any further contact with her.
Your husband was incredibly cruel. What a disgusting thing to say.
Whatever your mother is like, he has zero excuse for that vile statement. I honestly don't think I could accept an apology after that. He's massively crossed a line. You're his wife ffs!
I'm so sad for you struggling with all this when you're about to give birth.
I'd ring the midwife asap and ask what support she can give you.

Oh my goodness you poor thing! Your mum was obviously terrified that you loved your dad more than her so said nasty and cruel things to undermine that relationship. That is seriously fucked up. And very bad of your H to repeat it. Unless your mum has changed 180 degrees you really need to cut her out of your life. Honestly, what a cruel and twisted accusation

@Regularsizedrudy

This is all really alarming and you have written in a a way that seems like you don’t realise how abnormal this is. Why would he take your look as an implication of suspected abuse? That may be something your mother thinks but why on earth would he think YOU think it? I can imagine a situation where he might have misread your look as criticism but as a suspicion of abuse is really really bizarre. It sounds like he didn’t actually think you were suggesting that at all - he just wanted to hurt you. And then hurt you further with the other comment. Was he resentful of having to change the nappy? He is really not sounding like a normal partner from your post.

Yes to this

Op so so sorry

This man should have never ever uttered these words

Awful human being

Oh OP they both sound awful and I'm really sorry about your dad. You need to dump BOTH your mother and your husband. They are abusive, toxic, and just plain weird.

I'm not surprised ( and I mean this in the nicest way possible) that you picked a man that would think he's allowed to say shit like that, you've learnt from a young age through your mother that it's okay for the people that love you the deepest to say the worst things possible. The bottom line is that NO you are NOT being unreasonable. He's being disgusting and abusive. Leave him and enjoy your life OP, you have the power in you to raise your children in a safe and sane environment.

You are allowed to stand your round. Even at your most vulnerable. Do you have any trusted friends you can talk to about this? Are you working currently/ on maternity and planning to go back? Much love OP, he sounds horrid. xx

I’m going to report your thread, @Sleeplessem, to get them to move it to Relationships - hopefully you’ll get much more supportive responses there than the idiots in AIBU who think it’s clever to pick on the irrelevant details in a post and gloss over the unforgivable and despicable thing your husband said to you.

Has he ever been this cruel and disgusting to you before? Has he ever thrown things back in your face like this before, or deliberately hurt you or put you down?

I hope you no longer have anything to do with your abusive mother.

I think he was resentful of changing the nappy, because it’s not just the one. I’m really struggling with movement right now, especially if I’ve been sat on the ground or sat/ laid down, it’s painful to get up and down. My hips have also been going, like waves of pain and getting weak. I’ve been hospitalised a few times this pregnancy (about 4/5) I was in again this weekend and then away for a while when my dad died, plus really bad morning sickness in the beginning- I think hes pissed off that ‘he’s doing everything’.

He does all the heavy lifting and tidying housework wise, i just can’t bend down and collect toys, i get DD to tidy tidy as we go but let’s face it she’s 2.

I don’t just sit on my arse though, I do the vacuuming, the tidying of our stuff, the dusting, cleaning the bathrooms and mopping just things I don’t have to bend down for.

What your husband said is absolutely disgusting. But it is also disgusting that you expect him to put up with your racist mum accusing accusing him of being a sex offender . You two need to start caring more about each other if you want to continue in this relationship. If it was your MIL being racist towards you and accusing you then everyone on here would be saying you had a husband problem and should ltb.

OP, this is so awful.

Your husband is sensitive because of your horrible, racist mother.

But what he's done in the face of that is to agree with your horrible mother, not about himself (which he knows not to be true) but about you, despite both knowing that it isn't true and knowing how much it hurts to be accused of things that aren't true.

In other words, he's saying the exact same things that your mother says.

And it comes from a place of trying to hurt you, and hurt you specifically. To make that grotesque, appalling statement, and then to follow it up by being cruel about your grief, is the antithesis of being a good partner or husband.

He sounds spiteful, unsupportive, sensitive, and cruel.

Be safe.

@PRsecrets I have what you’d probably term as fair weather friends, you know the ones that are around for the good times.

DD was 5 months when lockdown came in so I never went to baby/ toddler groups as they’d all stopped before. Before that I had quite bad pnd so just wasn’t up to it.

I still live In my Uni town, got a job here most of my Uni friends have no moved away and just distance+ baby+ pandemic I feel quite isolated.

On top of that, those that I do have distanced themselves when my dad died, death makes people uncomfortable i suppose

This thread is ridiculous, Jesus Christ.

Your mother is undoubtedly awful and you need to cut her out of your life completely.

I think that your husband has behaved like an abusive arsehole. I don’t say LTB lightly, but I think you should be seriously considering your future with him. If he felt paranoid that he was going to be accused of abuse, then surely he should be calmly discussing his feelings with you and asking you why you were looking at him like that, so you could tell him it was partly in annoyance he got poo on the vest and partly because you’re in pain. Instead, he has picked on the thing that would hurt you more than anything else and has used it as a weapon to cause you pain. And when you’ve reacted accordingly, he’s resentful of it.

OP, this is not a nice man. I think you may have jumped away from your mother so quickly that you may not have noticed where you were landing.

@user1471457751

What your husband said is absolutely disgusting. But it is also disgusting that you expect him to put up with your racist mum accusing accusing him of being a sex offender . You two need to start caring more about each other if you want to continue in this relationship. If it was your MIL being racist towards you and accusing you then everyone on here would be saying you had a husband problem and should ltb.

Oh his mum is towards me too don’t worry lol, his whole family is.

I don’t and never will expect him or anyone to tolerate abuse from any member of my family. We’re severely LC as a result of what she says. Communication is text and email only.

Was he saying it like "you're overly cautious about this because you were molested"? Because otherwise "you had sex with your dad" is just bizarre.

I want to be clear that your husband's sensitivity is entirely justified.

He is the subject to serious, racist, constant attacks. And I hope you have made all the moves to stand up for your husband, to support him, and to cut ties with your mother.

His defensiveness about his relationship with his daughter is also entirely justified.

His cruelty to you (that you had an incestuous relationship with your father; that you don't deserve to grieve) is in no way justified.

I can't really tell how mad your DH is because I can't tell how much of it is a response to your mad mother and how much is just him.

But I wouldn't want to be married to someone who talks like that regardless of your mother, whom should be erased from your life.

Good grief, I cant process this level of fucked up.

Seriously this toxic shitstorm makes my lot sound normal. Leave, or seek counselling. But ffs do something. 😬😳