Today I really f’ing hate my husband

[Sleeplessem]

I’m 39+6 weeks pregnant aka due date tomorrow. Married with a nearly 26 month old, who has a dodgy tummy and today I hate my husband, would you if you were me?

I feel quite vulnerable today, so please be kind.

All fine until after dinner, DD has a dodgy tum has a really runny poop. I’m struggling movement wise due to some really lovely PGP that means I can’t bend down. Nappy change, DH does it, that’s fine. Explosive poop. Poop on vest. Husband gets angry because I was giving him a funny look during the nappy change, in his mind that was my accusing him of something untoward. He’d actually managed to get poop on her vest after taking it off, so if there was a look it was probably that mixed with a look of pain as I tried to move. No accusations. I said this to him. Just to be clear for the post so it doesn’t come across as anything else , I’ve never not even for one millisecond ever thought he’d do anything untoward. DHs worry of being accused of things like that comes from my mother unfortunately who used to accuse my dad of things like that (wrongly and with the sole purpose of being emotionally abusive, she’s also slyly but with enough wiggle room accused DH of being like that before we even had kids due to nothing except his cultural background).

He then went onto say ‘well you had sex with your dad’. Obviously not true. But so hurtful as my dad died 4 months ago (almost to the day) and suffered greatly. He was in ICU and it left me with really bad PTSD and flashbacks, and was the most harrowing moment of my life. My mother abused me as a teen when DF lived abroad and she always used to say things like that. DH knows it.

Outside of DH and DD I have no one. I know a lot of people say that but I have literally no one. No where to go, no one to turn to or talk to. I can’t believe he’d say that to me.

I said how disgusting he was and how hurtful that is, especially because my dad was always so kind to him and used to call him son and my son. I said don’t you remember how hard is was for me, and he just said ‘well you’re not the only person to have lost a parent’. I mean I know that but still come on, how heartless. I went off then to the loo to have a cry and he just accused me of ‘playing the victim like always’ and storms off.

The man’s meant to be my life partner and friend and says that to me, 4 months almost to the day of DF passing and the day before my due date?! Wtf

So your mum was abusive to you as a child and has suggested your husband is a paedophile just due to his cultural background, which has made your husband very sensitive to any accusations of impropriety. He thought you were giving him a look suggesting he was doing something he shouldn't be when changing a nappy.

But where does the sex with your dad thing come in? That seems a bonkers and unhinged thing to say out of nowhere. I think my reaction would just be utter bafflement, not even anger, because it's totally mental.

Only just that he’s Asian and Muslim and my mums made some really hideous comments about this in relation to child abuse before so he’s petrified of her accusing him

Your mother is also actively racist towards your DH? You need to cut her from your life. Or she will succeed in sabotaging your marriage, if he doesn’t leave you first for being complicit in him being subjected to racist abuse from your mother.

DH changes nappy, something about OPs look made him think she was accusing him of child abuse, she obviously wasn't because nothing he did was untoward, DH makes very bizarre and hurtful comment to OP.

Is that correct?

Right. To cut out the odd stuff and long explanations

Your DH said something mean to you, in response to his thinking you gave him a critical look

It was "well you had sex with your dad" which is
A. a untrue
B. Bizarre and horrid thing to say. C. You're grieving, your dad died 4 months ago

And you're due date for baby is tomorrow so you are very very heavily pregnant

Yup yanbu . He's being a prick
Make sure you squeeze his arm and hand tight during baby's delivery 🤣
You can unleash some swear words at him too during labour "you're a fucking prick!" could be skipped in there without anyone batting an eye lid 🤣

Tbh if your husband says anything but 'yes dear no dear ... let me make you comfortable' to anything whilst you are about to pop his baby out, you can officially call on the 'help me bury him under the patio' MN brigade

@Myshitlife

I don’t understand why he would say that in the first place. You need to ask him why he said it.

He said it to hurt me, because my dad is gone and I miss him.

I confided in DH that my mum used to say that about us because it really hurt me that she said it and it was so psychologically damaging. The implication was that it was the only way I could get someone to love me. I still resent her for it. She’s never passed on those concerns to DH, they were never concerns it was just her abuse. The same way she’d call me a ‘whore’ and fat and say the only person who’d f me would f an animal’. It was just her. No concerns, just to hurt. DF wasn’t ever on the same continent

I don't understand why he would think your look was accusing him of something?
I can see why he would feel that way if it was your mother giving him a look (after her previous accusations), but why from you?
Your mother is having an awful effect on your family and you should be putting on a united front against her.
I hope you sort things out. It's a stressful time and you must be exhausted. I know my miserable face causes many an argument with my OH and I'm not even pregnant!

@KurtWildesChristmasNamechange

DH changes nappy, something about OPs look made him think she was accusing him of child abuse, she obviously wasn't because nothing he did was untoward, DH makes very bizarre and hurtful comment to OP.

Is that correct?

Yes, entirely so!

Sorry I should have been clearer, thought i was lol, probably a bit too emotional to be typing haha

NC with your mother would probably be a good idea, OP. She sounds vile.

It’s not odd to say 26 mths at all - there’s a huge difference between a 2 year old who has just turned 2 and one who is almost 3. Development wise they are like night and day

It is and it always derails a thread because it is. Especially with an OP who's distressed.

It would be game over if my husband said that to me OP. It sounds as if you need to remove the toxic people in your life.

Your mother is clearly causing some real issues, and has been for much of your life. If it’s affected your husband to the point he’s paranoid you’re going to accuse him of child sex abuse, I really don’t see how you can maintain much contact with her and expect to have a happy family life.

That doesn’t justify what your husband said, though. He was clearly feeling attacked and lashed out as a form of defence, but it’s an abhorrent thing to say. Low blow doesn’t even cover it. And the fact you are heavily pregnant only makes it worse.

It’s hard to know where to start, honestly. Could you afford couples therapy? It seems like you’d both benefit from talking to a professional if at all possible.

@gamerchick

It’s not odd to say 26 mths at all - there’s a huge difference between a 2 year old who has just turned 2 and one who is almost 3. Development wise they are like night and day

It is and it always derails a thread because it is. Especially with an OP who's distressed.

It would be game over if my husband said that to me OP. It sounds as if you need to remove the toxic people in your life.

Everyone knows what 26 months means. If people decide to derail a serious thread being fussy about how a toddler’s age is written that’s their issue.

There is so many things not right here OP.

Is there a huge backstory about the state of your relationship? It's such an over reaction from 'one (slightly) funny look' to an inference that you think he is abusing your daughter for him to then make disgusting accusations of incest or sexual abuse between you and your recently deceased dad. And then shouting at you for understandably getting upset.

He sounds very angry and like he is trying to hurt you as much as he can. This just doesn't happen from one look in isolation. People get snippy when they are stressed and tired but not to that extent.

I'm guessing you have replaced one abusive relationship with your mum, with another with your husband, and that him saying horrible things to hurt you then blame you for getting upset, isnt a one off?

@Starcaller

So your mum was abusive to you as a child and has suggested your husband is a paedophile just due to his cultural background, which has made your husband very sensitive to any accusations of impropriety. He thought you were giving him a look suggesting he was doing something he shouldn't be when changing a nappy.

But where does the sex with your dad thing come in? That seems a bonkers and unhinged thing to say out of nowhere. I think my reaction would just be utter bafflement, not even anger, because it's totally mental.

He knows it was something that my mum used to say, we’d spoke about it not that long ago as part of my ongoing therapy. He basically threw it back in my face.

But my dad was so nice to him when he was alive, he was so proud of him, always wanted to hear about his qualifications and how he was doing at work. It really upset he said that about him even if just to hurt me.

I don’t think AIBU is the right place for you. You’ll get lots of people going “you what? Eh?” when what you might need is some more gentle support to unpick your abusive relationship with your mother, and possibly your husband.

Oh bless you. There's a lot to unpack here.

Firstly, the way he's using something knowingly very emotional and traumatic against you isn't kind and it isn't "normal". All couples argue but the way he's treating you is emotionally abusive. Talking about that should be a no-go subject for him, whether he's feeling hurt/angry or not.

It sounds like you had quite a dysfunctional family life, no wonder it's transferring to your adulthood (and especially as your mum is still on the scene - or has been).

Have you had counselling? I think you and your partner need it. You to process how this sexual abuse narrative has come to still be prominent in your adult life and process the effect this had on you growing up. But for your partner to move on from it too. It will affect your child if she hears this kind of thing and you don't want her having this issue.

Can I ask why you don't have anyone except your partner and your child? Why don't you have a friend? I think this needs to become your priority going forwards. It's not healthy to depend on one person and leaves you quite vulnerable.

You do have your midwife and health visitor. If you feel you need their help, reach out.

@Sleeplessem

It really was an indefensible thing for your husband to say, however much your mum’s comments have got to him.

I think it makes a big difference whether he recognises this and apologised profusely, or if he tries to brush it off. Also if using existing painful things from your life as a weapon is something he’s done before. If it’s a pattern, or if he fails to sincerely apologise, it does seem pretty emotionally abusive.

Ah I see, it makes more sense now. So it wasn't out of nowhere - he knows it's something that would hurt you.

It sounds like there's a lot unresolved between your mum and your husband and also between you and your mum. It's a lot to unpick. Is this the first time he's said something like this? Obviously it's nasty, but it sounds like there's a lot of history to get to this point. YANBU to be upset but it's obviously deeper than just this one incident

Also re the 26 months thing, I don’t know it’s habit from pregnancy they ask how old in months kids would be apart so I’m in the habit of saying oh you know 26/27 months apart.

She’s also not potty trained yet so I didn’t want that to appear as an issue. Anecdotally we’re almost there but the dodgy tum is setting us back

Why on earth does your DM equate being Muslim with being a paedophile?! What?!

She’s never passed on those concerns to DH

Are you sure about this? She has passed on her racist views about his ethnicity to him. How would you know that she has never mentioned your DF and her delusions? It’s obvious to me your mother actively hates you and you would do well to get away from her. I’m so sorry about that by the way, it’s very hard to cope with a mother that doesn’t love you. You definitely need that therapy, and couples therapy suggested upthread would be a good idea.

I lost my Dad 1 year ago and Im still devastated. I had a lump in my throat reading your post OP.

Your man doesnt like you.

Im so sorry💐

You say you have no-one. You don't need to stay around a man like that just to have someone. It wont end well and you have a lot of upset and tears ahead of you in life if you're with a callous man

This is all really alarming and you have written in a a way that seems like you don’t realise how abnormal this is.
Why would he take your look as an implication of suspected abuse? That may be something your mother thinks but why on earth would he think YOU think it? I can imagine a situation where he might have misread your look as criticism but as a suspicion of abuse is really really bizarre. It sounds like he didn’t actually think you were suggesting that at all - he just wanted to hurt you. And then hurt you further with the other comment. Was he resentful of having to change the nappy? He is really not sounding like a normal partner from your post.

& You need to be away from both him and your Mum.

@WheelieBinPrincess

It’s odd to say 26 months.

There’s a lot to unpack here but who not just say 2? How long will you go on saying the age in months?

That's your biggest concern from this post?? 😂😂

@HireStarter I have ‘friends’ I guess but no one I could count on to be perfectly honest with you.
I met DH at Uni, and we stayed where we went to Uni (he’s from here anyway) my other Uni friends eventually moved on and away, distance made friendships drift. Some of my other friends don’t have children so don’t quite get why I couldn’t go ‘out out’ when DD was 4 months old and waking in the night and ebf. Then the pandemic with a baby and then falling pregnant again, i just became more isolated. Others, distanced themselves when my dad died, grief and death clearly made them uncomfortable, guess you could say fair weather friends.