Today I really f’ing hate my husband

[Sleeplessem]

I’m 39+6 weeks pregnant aka due date tomorrow. Married with a nearly 26 month old, who has a dodgy tummy and today I hate my husband, would you if you were me?

I feel quite vulnerable today, so please be kind.

All fine until after dinner, DD has a dodgy tum has a really runny poop. I’m struggling movement wise due to some really lovely PGP that means I can’t bend down. Nappy change, DH does it, that’s fine. Explosive poop. Poop on vest. Husband gets angry because I was giving him a funny look during the nappy change, in his mind that was my accusing him of something untoward. He’d actually managed to get poop on her vest after taking it off, so if there was a look it was probably that mixed with a look of pain as I tried to move. No accusations. I said this to him. Just to be clear for the post so it doesn’t come across as anything else , I’ve never not even for one millisecond ever thought he’d do anything untoward. DHs worry of being accused of things like that comes from my mother unfortunately who used to accuse my dad of things like that (wrongly and with the sole purpose of being emotionally abusive, she’s also slyly but with enough wiggle room accused DH of being like that before we even had kids due to nothing except his cultural background).

He then went onto say ‘well you had sex with your dad’. Obviously not true. But so hurtful as my dad died 4 months ago (almost to the day) and suffered greatly. He was in ICU and it left me with really bad PTSD and flashbacks, and was the most harrowing moment of my life. My mother abused me as a teen when DF lived abroad and she always used to say things like that. DH knows it.

Outside of DH and DD I have no one. I know a lot of people say that but I have literally no one. No where to go, no one to turn to or talk to. I can’t believe he’d say that to me.

I said how disgusting he was and how hurtful that is, especially because my dad was always so kind to him and used to call him son and my son. I said don’t you remember how hard is was for me, and he just said ‘well you’re not the only person to have lost a parent’. I mean I know that but still come on, how heartless. I went off then to the loo to have a cry and he just accused me of ‘playing the victim like always’ and storms off.

The man’s meant to be my life partner and friend and says that to me, 4 months almost to the day of DF passing and the day before my due date?! Wtf

He sounds absolutely horrible. It's a really mean-spirited person that decides to throw possibly the most disgusting comment at you in the heat of a pretty ridiculous argument about a perceived 'look'.

I'm actually really quite upset for you.

Personally I think he needs some anger management therapy. That response is not normal and he needs to both understand that and work through it to not do it anymore.

Good luck with the new baby.

OP, I’d report this and ask mumsnet to move it to relationships so you do t have so many nasty comments!.
YANBU! Regardless of if he’s stressed about your mum he shouldn’t have said what he said.

This post is a bit confusing for me, but I will tell you several things OP.

First thing, I won't say to leave your husband but I will say that I truly think you need some marriage counseling after what he said to you. Tell DH that your marriage depends on him attending. Personally, I would leave a man who took my childhood trauma/abuse and used it against me. I would leave even if I was pregnant. I would not put up with the man who's supposed to love and cherish me treating me like that. But that's your decision and you have to reach your enough is enough point.

Next, if you haven't already done so, cut your mom out of your life. You don't need to keep someone around that abused you, doesn't matter who it is. Block her. Block anyone who takes her side and tries to guilt you. You're an adult and now have a choice about who is in your life. What will happen if you cut her off? Will the world end? I've cut family off and it's a great feeling. I feel at peace.

Next, make it clear to your husband that he is not to take anything out on you. Whatever your mom said to/about him is on her. You're not your mother and you won't tolerate him taking his anger about the situation out on you. He can either address it with her or he can speak to a therapist, but you won't ever tolerate him blaming you and saying bad things to you.

@Somebodylikeyew

Oh OP. My jaw just dropped reading all that.

Can i suggest a two pronged approach?

1. Do/say whatever will make the next month or so easier, to get you through the birth.
2. Start thinking seriously about your future and who you want in it. Do some research about your options.

I do think about leaving but because I have NO support network and no way of affording this mortgage by myself or truthfully affording rent in a place big enough whilst on SMP, i could only realistically leave when I’ve gone back to work and then I’d need a promotion.

But I do want to make my marriage work but the thought of my children growing up in an environment like I did…no way. It terrifies me, my life and my relationship becoming that toxic

He does sometimes get v angry and lash out. He’s been better since my dad died, although he did get angry and mock how I walk and say I was putting it all on a few weeks ago. But he’s never said anything this vile before.

Oh OP I feel you’ve gone from one emotionally abusive relationship to another. I think most people would have gone NC with a mother like yours and most people wouldn’t have babies with a man like yours but you don’t know any better. Not very helpful for you to hear right now I know, but I do you think you need counselling and then when you feel strong enough you need to get the hell out of that marriage.

Awful for you Op. I agree he sounds mean. As does your mother. Why would she say that about your dad?

Regardless of his behaviour I am concerned you have no one to talk to more though. How did that happen?
Where are your old friends, the mum friends, the extended family or whatever? I’d get myself onto every NCT committee, toddler group and whatever hobby I liked pronto. Especially with your dad gone you need a team of support on your side.

He didn’t use to be like this… I can’t remember when everything changed.

It’s a horrible feeling having no one

@lightisnotwhite - I stayed In my uni town and uni friends in time moved on, distance+ pandemic+ kids, became isolating. My dad died and I lost some friends due to that too. I did go to nct classes with DD but stopped going after the first 2 sessions as I had pregnancy complications and there was a chance of still birth and I couldn’t face them anymore. No baby group friends as they all shut down after the first 1 or 2 things I went to due to the pandemic. All very isolating, I’m very alone. There’s no one I could tell about my mum, talk to about my dad or this convo with DH

Just throwing this out there -

You gave him a look that he felt was accusatory? He felt like you were looking at him as if he was sexually abusing your child. So was his remark, (a remark your mother used to make) thrown back at you, as a reminder of how hurtful it is to be accused of something you haven't done?

Moreover, what's the situation now?

I really feel for you OP. I know the pain, and tiredness you describe. But I think, if he felt accused of sexually assaulting his child, I can see how he might say something equally as awful and accusatory back.

So, if I were you, right now, go and find him in the house, explain sincerely that you weren't looking at him like that and ask him why he felt you were. When you've sorted that out, then explain how hurtful the comment he made to you was, and I'm sure he will apologise back.

Your Mum being the way she was, is the only reason why that particular comment got made and even how the situation occurred. Otherwise it just wouldn't cross anyones mind. Remember that. This is your Mum's fault and the after effects of damage she caused.

Go and sort it out with him. You have a baby due tomorrow, you and your husband need to get this fight put to bed.

Good luck with your labour!

@Kinko

Just throwing this out there -

You gave him a look that he felt was accusatory? He felt like you were looking at him as if he was sexually abusing your child. So was his remark, (a remark your mother used to make) thrown back at you, as a reminder of how hurtful it is to be accused of something you haven't done?

Moreover, what's the situation now?

I really feel for you OP. I know the pain, and tiredness you describe. But I think, if he felt accused of sexually assaulting his child, I can see how he might say something equally as awful and accusatory back.

So, if I were you, right now, go and find him in the house, explain sincerely that you weren't looking at him like that and ask him why he felt you were. When you've sorted that out, then explain how hurtful the comment he made to you was, and I'm sure he will apologise back.

Your Mum being the way she was, is the only reason why that particular comment got made and even how the situation occurred. Otherwise it just wouldn't cross anyones mind. Remember that. This is your Mum's fault and the after effects of damage she caused.

Go and sort it out with him. You have a baby due tomorrow, you and your husband need to get this fight put to bed.

Good luck with your labour!

This ^

What he said was totally unacceptable, but he (in his head) was retorting to the alleged accusation by throwing that back at you.

I do think, unfortunately, your mother has had a huge impact on your relationship.

Well, he knew where to hit you where it hurts, at your most vulnerable.

I can't see how he felt you were accusing him of sexually abusing your child???

He felt like you were looking at him as if he was sexually abusing your child.

How can you look at someone as if they’re sexually abusing someone? That’s not a thing.

@Kinko that was pretty much his rationale and to hurt me. It’s not just that one isolated comment though that’s upset me, it was how much of a colossal douche he was after too. To turn around and say ‘you’re not the first person to lose their parent’ is so cold. I mean obviously I’m not and I’m not the last but it’s beyond heartless, and then when he kept on repeating it because he didn’t ‘understand’ why it was upsetting and then when I asked him to leave me alone and started crying he stormed off claiming I was playing the victim.

He’s now gone to sleep In the spare room.

Safe to say oxytocin is at an all time low

YANBU.

Your mum's an abusive racist and your DH is acting like a prat. What he said was completely uncalled for, no matter how stressed he is - it sounds like it was said to hurt you about a very sensitive topic.

Hopefully, once things have calmed down, he can realise that what he said in response to a perceived issue was disproportionate and hurtful, and you can have a talk about how to move forward supporting each other.

It might be worth building a bit more of a support network for yourself, as it sounds like you're quite isolated at the moment? Maybe look into a mother and baby class or group, for once your baby is born, and/or a toddler activity for you and DD? And if your DH is similarly a bit isolated, maybe encourage him to try to expand his own social support network. That could help decompress some of the tension that can come with being isolated together?

@WheelieBinPrincess

It’s odd to say 26 months.

There’s a lot to unpack here but who not just say 2? How long will you go on saying the age in months?

Oh come on. FFS 🙄

His comment about you 'not being the only one to lose a parent' makes me wonder could he be quite resentful about the impact his relationship with you has had with his own parents? You say his mum and entire family have been unkind to you so obviously things can't be great between him and them since he married you. Do you think you losing your dad has made him more sensitive about this? I could be totally off the mark here of course.

Its a very difficult, trying and exhausting time for you both and hopefully you can talk and work things out. Nothing excuses his shitty behaviour towards you though.

He sounds very unkind using something your narcissistic mother said to try to hurt you. It’s not ok, he sounds abusive as well- you should look for some counselling and think about how you can leave him

OP, this is an abusive situation and you have little choice but to leave for the protection of your children.

Interested to know which nationality is supposed to be full of sex predators

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, I find this very disingenuous. It doesn’t take Sherlock to work out when OP refers to “things up north”, which group of people OP’s mother is labelling.

So, if I were you, right now, go and find him in the house, explain sincerely that you weren't looking at him like that and ask him why he felt you were. When you've sorted that out, then explain how hurtful the comment he made to you was, and I'm sure he will apologise back.

Yes, yes, go and play nice with the man who accused you of having sex with your father, makes incredibly hurtful comments about the death of your father, and reacts to you being upset by saying “playing the victim like always” Bless the poor wee thing is just angry about something he misconstrued, you can’t blame him for saying such malicious and calculated things.

Fuck me, it never ceases to amaze me what people think women should put up with in a relationship.

Fucking hell.
So he went on the attack and used something you told him your mum used to say that was incredibly hurtful because you… looked at him funny?

Personally I would be out of there. But if you want to give him another chance, I’d tell him that the next time anything that disgusting comes out of his mouth, you’re done. And mean it.

He really went for the jugular there didn’t he, all because he had to change a nappy. You deserve better than this. Don’t be with someone who defends his own ego by hurting you in the worst way possible and tells you your feelings don’t matter. Disgusting man. Don’t wait. Move out now. Get on benefits.

I think hes pissed off that ‘he’s doing everything’.

Oh poor him having to change a few nappies and do a few bedtimes when you've been heavily pregnant, hospitalised and grieving your dad...

He's actually disgusting and I would also reconsider the whole relationship if he has form for aggression/lashing out.

I don't understand why you have any contact at all with your mother tbh.

@WheelieBinPrincess

It’s odd to say 26 months.

There’s a lot to unpack here but who not just say 2? How long will you go on saying the age in months?

That's what you got from her post? 🤦🏼‍♀️

If I had anywhere else to go and wasn’t 40 weeks pregnant things would be very different. As it stands, I’d struggle to look after DD alone and have no childcare to look after her if I go into labour. Benefit wise, the only thing I’m entitled to is child benefit. I don’t know if you’re entitled to anything when you’re on SMP? I did one of those calculators online to see what/ if I can claim and it came out with nothing (except tax free childcare and child benefit).

He is a good dad to DD, but as a PP said it’s me I don’t think he likes, but he’s never said anything to me.