Today I really f’ing hate my husband

[Sleeplessem]

I’m 39+6 weeks pregnant aka due date tomorrow. Married with a nearly 26 month old, who has a dodgy tummy and today I hate my husband, would you if you were me?

I feel quite vulnerable today, so please be kind.

All fine until after dinner, DD has a dodgy tum has a really runny poop. I’m struggling movement wise due to some really lovely PGP that means I can’t bend down. Nappy change, DH does it, that’s fine. Explosive poop. Poop on vest. Husband gets angry because I was giving him a funny look during the nappy change, in his mind that was my accusing him of something untoward. He’d actually managed to get poop on her vest after taking it off, so if there was a look it was probably that mixed with a look of pain as I tried to move. No accusations. I said this to him. Just to be clear for the post so it doesn’t come across as anything else , I’ve never not even for one millisecond ever thought he’d do anything untoward. DHs worry of being accused of things like that comes from my mother unfortunately who used to accuse my dad of things like that (wrongly and with the sole purpose of being emotionally abusive, she’s also slyly but with enough wiggle room accused DH of being like that before we even had kids due to nothing except his cultural background).

He then went onto say ‘well you had sex with your dad’. Obviously not true. But so hurtful as my dad died 4 months ago (almost to the day) and suffered greatly. He was in ICU and it left me with really bad PTSD and flashbacks, and was the most harrowing moment of my life. My mother abused me as a teen when DF lived abroad and she always used to say things like that. DH knows it.

Outside of DH and DD I have no one. I know a lot of people say that but I have literally no one. No where to go, no one to turn to or talk to. I can’t believe he’d say that to me.

I said how disgusting he was and how hurtful that is, especially because my dad was always so kind to him and used to call him son and my son. I said don’t you remember how hard is was for me, and he just said ‘well you’re not the only person to have lost a parent’. I mean I know that but still come on, how heartless. I went off then to the loo to have a cry and he just accused me of ‘playing the victim like always’ and storms off.

The man’s meant to be my life partner and friend and says that to me, 4 months almost to the day of DF passing and the day before my due date?! Wtf

To me it sounds as though it’s tit for tat where he says the most outrageous thing to hurt you because he’s resentful and feeling isolated. He’s clearly on edge because of your mother and for whatever reason doesn’t feel supported by you otherwise he wouldn’t think you’d ever feel the same way as her or even imply it with a look.

Just to note before I go on….what he said was fucking grim and not ok. I worry about his mental health saying shit like that but that’s probably another thread.

Your husband needs to feel supported so your mother needs to go. If my mum ever accused my DH in that way due to his religion and/or race she’d be cut off. By keeping her around, you’re not on his team but expecting him to be on yours, helping through your pregnancy and when you went away when your dad was poorly.

Are you being kind to one another? I know that sounds odd but sometimes my DH and I become very unkind when under stress in our actions and words. Do you offer to make him a cup of tea as he’s been taking care of DD and doing chores? Does he offer to run you a bath because you’ve been doing the hoovering for the afternoon? Sounds ridiculous but often it’s the small things that build. It often takes a sit down, chat and a reset to reestablish some care/kindness in the relationship.

@Hont1986

Was he saying it like "you're overly cautious about this because you were molested"? Because otherwise "you had sex with your dad" is just bizarre.

No he wasn’t @Hont1986 because I definitely was not molested. My mother just used to say those things because she was abusive. I’ve confided in DH that she said them and how much it hurt In light of DF passing. He basically threw it back In my face

YANBU!!
No matter how angry or upset you are with someone there’s certain things that you just don’t say.

He’s probably tired and nervous about the new baby especially if he thinks his MIL thinks he’s a peado but I’m not sure I forgive him for saying that.

It sounds like you have had a really difficult life, OP, with your mother normalising abusive behaviour from an early age. You’ve obviously got her number now but the effect on a young person of a parent being that horrible is incredibly pernicious and is perhaps still affecting your judgment of what’s acceptable and what’s not. Having said that, you clearly know that how your DH spoke to you was awful. Just really really unkind. I don’t know what your relationship is like in general and I know that in your current condition you’re not going to want to be making rash plans but I would spend any time you have off on mat leave coming up thinking seriously about the future and whether he (and your mum!) are in it. Do you want your kids growing up around this kind of toxicity? Courage.

Saying something like that would be an absolute dealbreaker to me, I couldn’t stay with someone who would say something so awful. If he can say something so abhorrent to you because he’s frustrated if he worried he will start emotionally abusing your children when they’re older by saying awful things to them, there is no excuse.

If he’s struggling then he needs to stop impregnating you.
Accusing you of incest is so far beyond acceptable, I don’t see how you could ever stand to have this man anywhere near you again. Can you understand quite how psychopathic the man is??

@Hont1986

Was he saying it like "you're overly cautious about this because you were molested"? Because otherwise "you had sex with your dad" is just bizarre.

I was thinking this

If he believed your mum that your dad had abused you, he should be supporting you, not putting you down

It doesn't sound as though your mum or husband deserve anything from you

Op, I'm so sorry. Your H felt hurt at a possible accusation and tried to find the nastiest thing he could say to hurt you.

Has he ever been like this before? How are you now? Is he is sulking?

So basically he tapped into the one thing that he KNEW would trigger and distress you and used it to deliberately cause you emotional pain.

This would be the end for me. You and your children sound as though you’d be better off without either him or your Mother in your lives.

We could be better @MrsMo21, I won’t lie.

I really do try and he does too, but sometimes like today he gets so angry and then storms off and I’m just left resenting and hating him and wondering what happened to us.

It might sound stupid but it wasn’t until after I had DD that I realised my mother was abusive, i thought it was because I deserved it and she basically gaslights me into thinking I’m wrong and misinterpreting things or creating problems. I’ve always called her out on the toxic things she says but for instance she never flat out said ‘DH is a paedo’ she’s ‘merely’ made references to how a lot of men from that culture are etc… I know both are sick. I’m now severely LC with her because of the things she says, written comms only for an audit trail and I’m working with a counsellor to help me figure out how to manage the relationship, and how to get out of the FOG.

Christ this is so fucked up. Your mother is evil and your DH sounds as though he isn’t much better! Your poor dad Has your DH ever said anything like this before to you OP.

First, you’ve got a lot on your plate. New baby due, little daughter not 100% well and she’s two so can’t foresee what a new baby in the family will be like etc.. add in your mother dropping unbelievably horrible poison—— this is going to fester and cause problems big time.
Understand that your mother has a huge problem, has had since you had more attachment to your father than to her. That is her problem, not yours.
For now I think it would help to apologise to your husband and he apologise to you — you have to be a united front right now for yourselves, your DD and your new baby.
After the birth talk with your GP, midwife, other professional you trust and arrange counselling. I think this will help you both separate out the poison and move forward.
I hope the birth goes well.

He’s gone to bed now.

Oh he knows for a fact that there was nothing abhorrent going on between DF and I. He even said it after in a half arsed apology which was followed by ‘you’re not the first person in the world to have lost a parent…. I’ll lose mine one day’

@NowEvenBetter

If he’s struggling then he needs to stop impregnating you. Accusing you of incest is so far beyond acceptable, I don’t see how you could ever stand to have this man anywhere near you again. Can you understand quite how psychopathic the man is??

I agree with this. Unfortunately OP I think you're so used to emotional abuse from your mum that you can't see the glaring warning signs coming from your DH.

Using the traumatic and disgusting things said to you during some severe emotional abuse by your primary caregiver as a throwaway line designed to hurt you as much as possible, while you're emotionally and physically vulnerable due to pregnancy and your recent bereavement is fucking disgusting. Absolutely vile behaviour, and I really need you to know how horrifying that is.

He also doesn't get to complain about having to do basic childcare when he is equally responsible for pregnancy that currently incapacitating you physically and landing you in hospital. The fact that he's sulking about parenting while his unwell wife is incubating his child is also grim.

And while I assume it's largely your poisonous mother's fault that he assumes you'd be wary of him assaulting your child, I find it very concerning that he thinks you should be punished for that.

This is all really sad. I hope you and your babies are okay and safe with this man and that this is a horrifying one off, but I doubt it. Please keep posting here - there are some amazing, supportive, knowledgeable women who will be there day and night to help you talk things through.

Sorry, your last post crossed with mine. So glad you’re seeing a counsellor. Give yourself time and I hope it all works out.

@PinkSyCo

Christ this is so fucked up. Your mother is evil and your DH sounds as though he isn’t much better! Your poor dad Has your DH ever said anything like this before to you OP.

He does sometimes get v angry and lash out. He’s been better since my dad died, although he did get angry and mock how I walk and say I was putting it all on a few weeks ago. But he’s never said anything this vile before.

@PromisesMeanNothingSue

I’m going to report your thread, *@Sleeplessem*, to get them to move it to Relationships - hopefully you’ll get much more supportive responses there than the idiots in AIBU who think it’s clever to pick on the irrelevant details in a post and gloss over the unforgivable and despicable thing your husband said to you.

Has he ever been this cruel and disgusting to you before? Has he ever thrown things back in your face like this before, or deliberately hurt you or put you down?

I hope you no longer have anything to do with your abusive mother.

Agree with @PromisesMeanNothingSue @Sleeplessem get this moved to Relationships

@Sleeplessem

Well, in my opinion, you have a few options:

1. Prepare to leave him. He’s clearly not in control of his anger and unfortunately, seems to have behaviour patterns similar to your Mum. E.g: gets so upset with your perceived actions against them that they say vile things to you to make you doubt your reality or weaken your treasured relationships.

1. Cut your mother out completely and try to reestablish some mutual kindness and respect within your relationship. I recommend Relate to support you through this.

1. Do nothing (nothing is always an option) but ultimately you risk your children growing up in an environment similar to yours.

Just don’t be a victim anymore to emotional bullies, you’re a grown up now, a mother to boot and you CAN have control in situations like this. You have got the power to govern your own life and reality now.

Oh OP. My jaw just dropped reading all that.

Can i suggest a two pronged approach?

1. Do/say whatever will make the next month or so easier, to get you through the birth.
2. Start thinking seriously about your future and who you want in it. Do some research about your options.

^Ohpulltheotherone

WheelieBinPrincess
It’s odd to say 26 months.

There’s a lot to unpack here but who not just say 2? How long will you go on saying the age in months?
It’s not odd to say 26 mths at all - there’s a huge difference between a 2 year old who has just turned 2 and one who is almost 3. Development wise they are like night and day.^

….then surely it’s only relevant when talking about a child’s development. When else would it be relevant?

OP he sounds vile and DEEPLY insecure. It shows a total lack of respect that he tried to hurt you so deliberately. I’d be asking him to leave for some space if you weren’t about to pop but I’d be telling him exactly that and having a frank discussion about it. Good luck with your labour

You said your father died 4 months ago, do you think DH is jealous of how much you loved your him and lashed out?
I mean, totally inexcusable.
DH has a lot of apologizing to do.

He mocks you too? Oh love, you deserve so much better. Please talk to women’s aid? .

If a partner made a comment about me having sex with my (now deceased) father I would fuck them off without a second glance. Sick bastard.