In law has uninvited me

[Realitea]

One of my in laws really wanted to have dd10 overnight in a few weeks, she has some amazing stuff planned for them to do. Dd currently has anxiety and would rather I stay with her, or Dh or preferably both. Dh said that’s fine we’ll all go and we planned a day out ourselves and dd was happy. We’d all be together in the evening.
Now the relative has said they didn’t know about this arrangement (well done Dh 🙄) and would rather it was just dd but considering she’s anxious just dh can stay. He will have nothing to do all day!

I’m feeling a bit miffed about this. She has form for excluding me from things. I had booked the day off and was looking forward to it.
Is it out of order of the in law or am I being over the top? The reason for why I can’t go is that ‘dd won’t really interact with the relative if I’m around’ but we had separate plans anyway, I would just be sleeping there.

Can you just say it's at DD's request.

I would put boundaries in that you are a family take it or leave it. DD wants her mum there. This isn't your problem to sort out as such.

But can you just message and say DD has asked I come, we won't interfere in the day but she needs to know we are around at the moment. Hopefully her anxiety will subside but we are where we are at the moment.

And gently point out that really it shouldn't be this complicated.

Your DH has to tell his family member to grow up. You will do what is best for your child and excluding a parent doesn't meet that basic standard.

"DD would prefer if I'm there with her overnight. DH and I will be out all day so won't get in the way but we're not comfortable with her being without me overnight if she's not happy with that. If that doesn't work for you we can do it another time."

Nope that wouldn't be happening if she was my DD
Stick to your arangements and if she is not happy DD doesn't go.
All or none

No I wouldn’t let that stand.

Your DD wants you specifically, I’d do as PP suggested, say you’re going on DD’s request. If this doesn’t work for IL, then you can perhaps revisit the sleepover later.

I wouldn’t let someone purposely shove me aside when my child wants me there.

Your DH needs to get back to them and explain it’s all of you, or none of you.

When did you plan to tell her you and your husband would be staying too?

This is MIL, isn't it?

What does your dh want to do? I think your relative sounds rude.

What's DH's take on it? If he's ok with that plan, I'd hit the roof. If he's got your back get, him to deal with it.

Dd isn’t too concerned it’s just Dh going. She was a bit upset but as long as she has one of us at night she doesn’t mind too much I don’t think.
I think the first problem is that Dh didn’t tell the in law that we were all going and that dd had anxiety. He assumed she’d been told by another of his family. Bad communication!

Your in law invited their grandchild. You and DH have invited yourselves without asking the in law! If the in law is comfortable to host grandchild and DH as a compromise I would graciously accept that and plan a nice weekend for myself whilst they are away.

You can't demand your in law to have all three of you over. It's their home.

Can you and Dh not stay in a hotel nearby

I have thought of it that way too @SpideySenseTingles
I feel very mixed up
I wouldn’t even mind a quiet weekend to myself it just doesn’t sit right with me

Your DH needs to make the point, very firmly, that you're a family. He needs to not only have your back, but to show MIL relative that he does - to be pissed off with their rudeness and attempt to exclude his wife.

That's the first thing.

The second thing is that it is made clear that you make the rules, and if you've made a rule, there's no discussion because it will be a rule for a reason. So no. DD wants YOU there, she won't be comfortable otherwise, that's the end of it. MIL's Their choice as to whether DD still goes.

The point could also be made that if she wants to be close to your DD, this really, really isn't the way to try and go about it, and any undermining attempts will simply see them out in the cold... not you!

I think it is a bit rude if you & DH to arrange to stay without asking. It would have been better to have the conversation first and put the options to your relative.

They haven't uninvited you, you invited yourself 😂

It's a different dynamic you being there and not what the in law was planning. They'll feel like they have to play host. This doesn't mean they don't like you. Don't take offence and plan something nice for yourself to do.

@Realitea

I have thought of it that way too *@SpideySenseTingles* I feel very mixed up I wouldn’t even mind a quiet weekend to myself it just doesn’t sit right with me

I think you just have offer your relative the same kind of understanding and accommodation you offer to DD. Lots of people suffer from anxiety so just be respectful of people's boundaries and limits

Your relative might feel anxious about hosting all three of you or be anxious about changing plans when they've put thought into the weekend.

YABU @Realitea. Your in-law didn't uninvited you, you were never invited in the first place. Wish your daughter and husband well and take full advantage of your day off.

Ok this is about SIL. Dh had spoken to MIL about it a few times and she confused things by saying we were all staying so Dh assumed SIL knew.
I suspect dd must have told MIL that we were all going because that’s what she wanted.
I’m torn really. Dh should’ve organised it properly, and SIL shouldn’t be excluding me as I’ll hardly be there anyway. Also dd is really ok with Dh going alone so it’s not like it’s upsetting dd too much. It’s bloody upsetting me though!

I'd cancel the whole thing and just have a nice day with DH and DD.

That's blatant disrespect from SIL.

Don't let yourself be excluded.

This is your daughter, you set the rules.

Mmm, it's gone from inviting a child to having to cater for 2 adults and 1 child. Your DH is family and your daughter is a child so maybe easier if it's just them? I would let them go and enjoy it and you enjoy your weekend doing whatever you want.

My Dh did tell her though that we’d do our own thing in the day and night and just sleep there so dd is less anxious. There wouldn’t be any extra looking after of us involved. Dh would still need the spare bed whether I was there or not.
I’m not sure whether to be more cross with Dh for not arranging properly/communicating or sil for not including me aswell as dh!
I don’t even want to stay there now after all this. It’s obvious I’m not welcome. I’m just tired of being excluded. She often goes away with Dh and has never asked me along. If this was the only thing that’s ever happened I wouldn’t mind so much but there’s a pattern here