In law has uninvited me

[Realitea]

One of my in laws really wanted to have dd10 overnight in a few weeks, she has some amazing stuff planned for them to do. Dd currently has anxiety and would rather I stay with her, or Dh or preferably both. Dh said that’s fine we’ll all go and we planned a day out ourselves and dd was happy. We’d all be together in the evening.
Now the relative has said they didn’t know about this arrangement (well done Dh 🙄) and would rather it was just dd but considering she’s anxious just dh can stay. He will have nothing to do all day!

I’m feeling a bit miffed about this. She has form for excluding me from things. I had booked the day off and was looking forward to it.
Is it out of order of the in law or am I being over the top? The reason for why I can’t go is that ‘dd won’t really interact with the relative if I’m around’ but we had separate plans anyway, I would just be sleeping there.

@Realitea

Yes I think that’s what it is *@PerfectlyUnsuitable* But also if I were her and realised we’d made plans around staying (as we were made to think she knew) I would be a bit more hospitable and say of course we can both go Surely she realises it’ll be crap for me and Dh now? Both in different cities with not much to do

It's been badly handled all round. Especially by your DH.

SiL offered to have her for a fun day. Your DH did not explain DD wouldn't like it therefore you would invite yourselves along. She's now been told this. Understandably she's not happy as the whole dynamic will change. And just because you've now 'made plans' she doesn't have to go along with them. She's made a concession with letting her brother stay.

Am I the only one that thinks this is very rude? Your DH should have told her from the get-go that it might be a problem

How old is DD?

Did the invitation arrive via MiL?

I feel for you OP.

Because of poor communication, you're going to look really petty if you cancel / make a fuss but as someone who is also regularly excluded from In Law events (they arrange family holidays when they know I can't get time off work), it's also crap that they think they can openly tell you to do one like you're some second class citizen.

If your DD is happy, let her go with your DH. But set boundaries from this point on so you're not dismissed like this again. Because of the poor communication, this isn't the battle worth fighting because you'll look petty.

It's unfair in you though. Your feelings are totally valid.

Such different responses to the thread where the six year old was being left with the maternal grandmother whilst the parents went to New York on holiday. The six year old was very worried and anxious about being left and was pleading with her mother not to leave her.
Most posters were along the lines of she will get over it. Mothers have a right to a week off. Not a smidgeon about boundaries or going low contact.

Yeah, the miscommunication is the issue. She had no idea you were ever supposed to be coming.

I can’t imagine saying a similar thing (about only one parent being allowed to stay) in her situation, though. Even if I feel a bit grumbly about the situation. You and your husband have said you are planning to be out all the house the whole time so her reason makes no sense.

You say she often excludes you from things, like holidays? That’s pretty odd on the face of it and unless you’re leaving out some relevant details, not something I’d ever accept myself.

It’s not healthy and I have the school and doctor involved. It’s been quite upsetting seeing the change in her. I had anxiety at her age and I know what makes it worse/better. When she’s ready and knows how to cope I will gently try to get her to do these things by herself. Meanwhile I want to make her feel safe and comfortable. She is reasonably ok with Dh going with her for the night and having the day with sil. She did have a bit of a cry when I said I couldn’t go.
Dh should never have assumed sil knew the arrangements without speaking to sil first. Mil seems to be the one that goes between them all and as she made it sound like that was the plan and that sil knew about it, Dh went along with it.
That’s the first problem I have.
When he realised it was a problem about us staying he should’ve spoken to me and we decide what to do. And possibly asked dd. However the decision was made that I stay at home. I’m just annoyed I’m excluded. I agree I was never invited and the title of my op is crap.
Dh has always said he wants us all to be one big family and I’ve quite enjoyed this as I never had that with my family. So when I am left out (and this isn’t the first time from sil) it really upsets me.

@godmum56

so basically your husband screwed up? but....I'd be a bit concerned about the "she won't interract with me if you are there" because that sounds a tiny bit to me like coercion.

I think that might have just been badly worded as I can kind of relate to it. DH and I don’t have children, aren’t used to being around children and would maybe be slightly self conscious about interacting with children (something a parent might not understand). If the parent were around I would probably stay on the sideline and let them do their usual parenting. There would definitely be a different dynamic between me and niece / nephew if the parent was there as well, I think SIL could have meant that.

as we were made to think she knew

You weren't made to think this though. Unless you're suggesting Mil engineered this whole situation deliberately?!

The first thing that should have happened is that your DH has a conversation with Sil saying look we need to come too, DD is too anxious. Then Sil would have a chance to say yes or no.

So that conversation didn't happen. Because DH was avoiding a difficult convo, perhaps? Only you know if he has form for that.

Then the second thing that should have happened, is when Mil told your DH "oh I hear you all going to Sil's next month for a sleepover" he should be thinking "wait a minute, how does she know?" Instead it's like he's gone "Ohhhh... OK.... SIL must have gotten it from my head by telepathy. Cool!"

Your DH has buried his head in the sand here and as a result you are feeling upset and excluded, and I don't blame you.

On this ONE ocassion, as it sounds like DD is so looking forward to it, I'd just let dd and dh go alone and plan something nice for yourself. But I'd not put myself out in any way for that family again. From now on DH manages the relationship - that means he does all Xmas cards, birthday cards, all gifts, all facilitation of cousin play dates etc. If he drops the ball, that's his lookout.

@godmum56

so basically your husband screwed up? but....I'd be a bit concerned about the "she won't interract with me if you are there" because that sounds a tiny bit to me like coercion.

I don't necessarily think so, my nieces are very different when their mum is present as they are slightly guarded and look to her for permission a lot, but when she isn't there they are freer to express themselves and yes be a little extra cheeky and fun.

However the decision was made that I stay at home.

Who made that decision?
Your DH? SIL? SIL and DH together?

I’m starting to wonder if the ‘being pushed aside’ is coming from your DH rather than SIL.

You are being unreasonable.

Well as sil has done it so much to me in the past I assume it’s come from her. Especially as Dh was looking forward to me as him having a good day out.
The reason given was that if I was there, dd would spend all her time with me. But that doesn’t make sense as I’d be out with dh.
Sil is trying to get to know dd on a more personal level maybe, without me there all the time with her

This doesn’t make sense.

Your DH is bullshitting his way out if that. Why I don’t know.

If your DH has been clear that you intended to BOTH to be out for the day, why would SIL be worried of the impact on the day for her and your dd?
And more importantly , why would he accept that as an answer when it would be clear to him that this is not the situation?

I suspect there is something else going on between your DH and his Dsis. Something that explains why he doesn’t talk to her but uses MIL as an intermediate. Something that would explain why he didn’t seem able to say that you would be out anyway.

I think you need to have a chat with your DH.

Why don't you and DH spend the day together as planned.
He goes on to Dil and you either go out with your friends or have a nice quiet night in.

She is his sister I take it? I wonder what would the take on it be if you were going to spend time with your sister and didn't invite your husband along. Would he accuse your sister of trying to have time alone with you and her niece. Would MN decide it was controlling if your husband said you could not visit your sister without him being present?

I still think it's INCREDIBLY cheeky to invite yourself along. Imagine it was one of her school friends who had invited her for a sleepover - would you invite yourself as she's anxious or would you say 'thanks for the invite but dd is very nervous so we'll pick her up at 10'. Just send her for the day or not at all. Or ask SIL very nicely if she'd mind dh / you coming. Why you even debated tagging along without checking first is beyond me.

Bonkers you still think you're reasonable. Regardless of the crap communication of your dh's family.

If its important for your daughter that she goes, can you book into a hotel and meet DH once he's dropped DD? You get your day out, then go back and have a chilled night in your own

If this was the only thing that’s ever happened I wouldn’t mind so much but there’s a pattern here

Why cant DH pick up the phone and explain all this. The fault is with him doing a to and fro dance between your SIL and your MIL. Are you staying with MIL? what is her actual involvement.

Its rotten that the only option is to oust you on the grounds that you would be there interfering when you've plainly explained that you won't be. Also if your DD is anxious about staying, that's the way it is. She cried when she heard you weren't coming?
If this is a pattern, what is that saying to your DD? Why are you having to graciously accept this happening and how will that stop it happening again?
Why don't you all three stay at a travel lodge or something. She gets her day out with SIL, you get your evening out together and DD gets to stay with you.

I don't see why SIL gets to call the shots. If she wants to arrange an outing like this, she should arrange it with both parents and come up with something that suits everyone and not arbitrarily decide to exclude you and not do it via MIL who has complicated the whole thing.
Its not right for DH to watch an arrangement evolve that has been hurtful to you. Its unnecessary and he needs to be more of an adult about this.
As you seem to be bowing out, it will happen again because it sets a precedent and he's clearly someone who likes to take the path of least resistance, which in this case is you.

@titchy

So your SIL did a really nice thing and invited your dd for a sleepover and made arrangements to do some enjoyable activities? Your dd is rather anxious about it, so rather than tell your SIL that she's nervous about staying over and therefore she'll just come for the day if that's ok, you've decided to foist yourself upon SIL overnight?

Yeah I'd be pissed if I was your SIL too! If she wanted you and her brother there she'd have invited you.

Absolutely. I can't imagine planning for a nice weekend with my niece, and then suddenly finding (late) I had to accommodate and feed her parents too! Apart from the extra work and hosting involved (you being out most of the day makes little difference - she still has to prepare a bedroom and feed you breakfast and dinner) the whole tone of the weekend is different.

You don't seem to be seeing it from her point of view at all. She feels totally taken for granted. And she probably also knows that if you're there, as mum, your DD is likely to be more focused on you, so the auntie and niece weekend will feel very different.

Your DH owes her a huge apology (you don't leave a change in arrangements to osmosis, you actually tell the person) and you just enjoy having a weekend to yourself.

SIL is the one who's been wronged here, not you.

Yeah sorry op but I think SIL hasn’t done much wrong here.

Your DH needs to buck up

I don't necessarily think so, my nieces are very different when their mum is present as they are slightly guarded and look to her for permission a lot, but when she isn't there they are freer to express themselves and yes be a little extra cheeky and fun.

Yes, it's more fun for both parties when they don't have to be constantly checking in to see what mum/dad (but it's almost always mum) thinks.

yeah you invited yourselves you don't really have an argument here. how can she uninvite you when you weren't invited

So your SIL excludes you? No further info needed, I would not be letting DD stay unsupervised anywhere with SIL.

I’ve spoken to Dh now. I kind of get it and it’s as others have said here, sil had this whole thing planned for ages and had no idea we would be going too. Dh going is damage limitation and will just be in the background for dd whereas if I were there too it would change the whole feel of it.
I think the miscommunication is the issue.
What Dh didn’t tell me is that they had a big talk about what to do and sil really wanted me to know that she wasn’t excluding me on purpose and didn’t want me to feel hurt by it. Dh didn’t tell me that. Just knowing she has thought of how I might feel has made me feel a lot better.

FWIW my DH is the same. WhatsApp groups can really help in this situation.