In law has uninvited me

[Realitea]

One of my in laws really wanted to have dd10 overnight in a few weeks, she has some amazing stuff planned for them to do. Dd currently has anxiety and would rather I stay with her, or Dh or preferably both. Dh said that’s fine we’ll all go and we planned a day out ourselves and dd was happy. We’d all be together in the evening.
Now the relative has said they didn’t know about this arrangement (well done Dh 🙄) and would rather it was just dd but considering she’s anxious just dh can stay. He will have nothing to do all day!

I’m feeling a bit miffed about this. She has form for excluding me from things. I had booked the day off and was looking forward to it.
Is it out of order of the in law or am I being over the top? The reason for why I can’t go is that ‘dd won’t really interact with the relative if I’m around’ but we had separate plans anyway, I would just be sleeping there.

I’d be pretty miffed if I planned to spend the day with my DN and before I knew it it then whole family expected to stay over!

I don't think the sil is necessarily being unreasonable. You've invited yourselves to her house to stay, when she asked if she could have your dd, and then didn't think to tell her. You've put her out. As soon as DD said she felt anxious about staying without one or both of her parents you should have spoken to sil and explained the situation and allowed her to make a choice that worked. Wether that be just taking dd for the day, or allowing you all to stay.
She may not have the space to house you all, or the money to feed you all etc. So no you haven't been uninvited. You were never invited in the first place. She then invited your DH to make the situation more comfortable for your daughter and you're throwing your toys out of the pram now because you're own invitation was declined.

It does come across like this is such a huge thing to you op. It’s concerning anyone would think ti invite themselves to someone’s house and not tell them. It’s incredibly rude. And then to decide you’re being excluded without even speaking to the person ans then they have to play peacemaker to settle you all down and on top of this you’re all concerned about being apart for a day.

It’s really poor behaviour.

Go with your daughter, your dh stays behind.

You'll make your point without fuss.

I would put it to her that she's much more likely to get time alone with DD if you both go. Otherwise DH is going to have nothing to do and may want to tag along on their outing!

Actually when I read the issue I got the impression you and your husband were divorced and that was why your communication with your sister in law was so poor. If she is planning activities with your daughter, how come she isn´t discussing them with you both, her PARENTS. Then she would know about the anxiety, about the request that one of you be there and your plans to come over and spend the day on a couple outing. Pretty weird dynamics.

@SVRT19674

Actually when I read the issue I got the impression you and your husband were divorced and that was why your communication with your sister in law was so poor. If she is planning activities with your daughter, how come she isn´t discussing them with you both, her PARENTS. Then she would know about the anxiety, about the request that one of you be there and your plans to come over and spend the day on a couple outing. Pretty weird dynamics.

If my sisters want to see my child they ask me. It doesn't have to be a whole family discussion. I will relay the information to my husband if I think it's relevant. Such as 'sister 1 has asked for dd for a sleepover on x date' Same with if my husbands family were to ask, they'd usually just message him first. Of course they can message me, as my family can message dh, however we both talk to our own families more than we do the other so it's just natural to ask your family member.

@Realitea

I’ve spoken to Dh now. I kind of get it and it’s as others have said here, sil had this whole thing planned for ages and had no idea we would be going too. Dh going is damage limitation and will just be in the background for dd whereas if I were there too it would change the whole feel of it. I think the miscommunication is the issue. What Dh didn’t tell me is that they had a big talk about what to do and sil really wanted me to know that she wasn’t excluding me on purpose and didn’t want me to feel hurt by it. Dh didn’t tell me that. Just knowing she has thought of how I might feel has made me feel a lot better.

Your DH is really at the centre of all of this mess isn't he?

@AndSoFinally

I would put it to her that she's much more likely to get time alone with DD if you both go. Otherwise DH is going to have nothing to do and may want to tag along on their outing!

Yes, that’s right, try to emotionally blackmail her so you can all go.

She often goes away with Dh and has never asked me along. If this was the only thing that’s ever happened I wouldn’t mind so much but there’s a pattern here

You have a DH problem. He’s happy to have you excluded-again-because he often goes away with your dh. Why don’t you get to go?

@Cherrysoup

She often goes away with Dh and has never asked me along. If this was the only thing that’s ever happened I wouldn’t mind so much but there’s a pattern here

You have a DH problem. He’s happy to have you excluded-again-because he often goes away with your dh. Why don’t you get to go?

Yes and that pattern looks to be evolving …. where your DD will be encouraged to go away on trips as a three with you excluded, I suspect.

Dh has always said he wants us all to be one big family and I’ve quite enjoyed this as I never had that with my family

Yes but being one big family doesn’t mean you can never do things apart and need to be invited to everything,