In law has uninvited me

[Realitea]

One of my in laws really wanted to have dd10 overnight in a few weeks, she has some amazing stuff planned for them to do. Dd currently has anxiety and would rather I stay with her, or Dh or preferably both. Dh said that’s fine we’ll all go and we planned a day out ourselves and dd was happy. We’d all be together in the evening.
Now the relative has said they didn’t know about this arrangement (well done Dh 🙄) and would rather it was just dd but considering she’s anxious just dh can stay. He will have nothing to do all day!

I’m feeling a bit miffed about this. She has form for excluding me from things. I had booked the day off and was looking forward to it.
Is it out of order of the in law or am I being over the top? The reason for why I can’t go is that ‘dd won’t really interact with the relative if I’m around’ but we had separate plans anyway, I would just be sleeping there.

See, miscommunication. Enjoy your lovely day to yourself 😁

Ooo tricky! Hosting one vs three is much more hard work. I’d let your DH and DD go and enjoy your day

I’m going to have a take away, watch a film and enjoy the rarity that is peace and quiet. I’m really looking forward to it now!

@SpideySenseTingles

Your in law invited their grandchild. You and DH have invited yourselves without asking the in law! If the in law is comfortable to host grandchild and DH as a compromise I would graciously accept that and plan a nice weekend for myself whilst they are away.

You can't demand your in law to have all three of you over. It's their home.

This, from the first page. Yes, I know you have now agreed, but can't believe some of the replies to your original post.

If I had planned a lovely time with DN but then suddenly had to put up, and entertain, DP’s as well it would ruin my plans tbh -and I like all my family & in-laws.
I’d rather they just say DN will give it a miss until another time.

This ^ 100%
I've had my nephews over for sleep overs, and have planned things for them. I like my SiL and BiL a lot, and would happily go out with them as a couple, individually, or as a whole family, but I would not be impressed if I had offered to have a child for the weekend, to find that the parents had invited themselves along without even discussing it with me.

All that said - fair play to you OP for taking on board other points of view.

@Realitea

I’ve spoken to Dh now. I kind of get it and it’s as others have said here, sil had this whole thing planned for ages and had no idea we would be going too. Dh going is damage limitation and will just be in the background for dd whereas if I were there too it would change the whole feel of it. I think the miscommunication is the issue. What Dh didn’t tell me is that they had a big talk about what to do and sil really wanted me to know that she wasn’t excluding me on purpose and didn’t want me to feel hurt by it. Dh didn’t tell me that. Just knowing she has thought of how I might feel has made me feel a lot better.

What’s your DH role in the family - is he usually trying to placate his DSis?

Not sure that I believe his recent version that SIL was insisting not to offend you when:

a) he didn’t mention that to you first off
b) she has form for excluding you

Seems that your DH is messing things up because in his attempt to keep everyone happy and avoid any risk of conflict he inadvertently makes a pigs ear of it all.

I would log all of the exclusion incidents so that you can consolidate and see the patterns and totality. I don’t think this is the incident to call it but I would be taking clear action if you discover that you are being disrespected / excluded and your DH is passively colluding with this.

Don’t let anyone treat you like this, call it out.

They don’t get to divide and conquer your family unit - it appears that she has hived off your DH - next it will be the three of them sloping off on holidays and excluding you.

@Momijin

Mmm, it's gone from inviting a child to having to cater for 2 adults and 1 child. Your DH is family and your daughter is a child so maybe easier if it's just them? I would let them go and enjoy it and you enjoy your weekend doing whatever you want.

this ^

let themhave a weekend together and you can stick your feet up or have a lovely spa day!?

I would be embarrassed to foist myself as a guest somewhere I am so obviously not wanted. There would be no question or discussion about me going.

@Realitea

I have thought of it that way too *@SpideySenseTingles* I feel very mixed up I wouldn’t even mind a quiet weekend to myself it just doesn’t sit right with me

Why? What doesn’t ‘sit right’? Your DD has said she’s Ok with just her dad going, so just send him!

Not sure that I believe his recent version that SIL was insisting not to offend you

Oh give over @ESGdance. You don't know what happened so why try to make trouble here? OP has it sorted and is comfortable with the whole thing. Why try to stir things up again?

I find it entirely believable that OP's DH missed out the whole sensitive and tactful bit initially. I hate generalisations, but even the loveliest men in my life are sometimes prone to focusing on communicating the practical stuff and omitting the emotional or considerate bits of the message they were supposed to relay.

I'm glad it's sorted OP. I hope you all have a lovely time in your own ways.

@Skeumorph

Your DH needs to make the point, very firmly, that you're a family. He needs to not only have your back, but to show MIL relative that he does - to be pissed off with their rudeness and attempt to exclude his wife.

That's the first thing.

The second thing is that it is made clear that you make the rules, and if you've made a rule, there's no discussion because it will be a rule for a reason. So no. DD wants YOU there, she won't be comfortable otherwise, that's the end of it. MIL's Their choice as to whether DD still goes.

The point could also be made that if she wants to be close to your DD, this really, really isn't the way to try and go about it, and any undermining attempts will simply see them out in the cold... not you!

Hang on, only DD was invited to spend time with her grandparents. They haven’t been told about her anxiety. The parents have invited themselves, DH hadn’t explained the circumstances beforehand.

@Realitea

My Dh did tell her though that we’d do our own thing in the day and night and just sleep there so dd is less anxious. There wouldn’t be any extra looking after of us involved. Dh would still need the spare bed whether I was there or not. I’m not sure whether to be more cross with Dh for not arranging properly/communicating or sil for not including me aswell as dh! I don’t even want to stay there now after all this. It’s obvious I’m not welcome. I’m just tired of being excluded. She often goes away with Dh and has never asked me along. If this was the only thing that’s ever happened I wouldn’t mind so much but there’s a pattern here

Maybe she just doesn’t like you. It’s not the end of the world - you clearly don’t like her! We can’t all be best friends with our in laws.

@frozendaisy

I would accept she's a witch but take full advantage of the night free and either indulge in a rom-com session or hit the town with willing females.

Leave SIL to her power games drama as long as DD is ok.

I would make sure DH in future communicates via message so no one can say you didn't tell me on the phone etc. Put it all in writing. To avoid any future confusion.

See how that pans out.

If SIL thinks you are having much more fun not being there you will soon be dragged along as an emotional punching bag.

Bloody hell, that’s a stretch! Why the misogynistic name-calling? Of a woman you don’t know, have never and will never meet? Just awful.

Crikey.Just enjoy your evening in peace and quiet! Am sure many people would consider it a treat !

@Realitea

It’s not healthy and I have the school and doctor involved. It’s been quite upsetting seeing the change in her. I had anxiety at her age and I know what makes it worse/better. When she’s ready and knows how to cope I will gently try to get her to do these things by herself. Meanwhile I want to make her feel safe and comfortable. She is reasonably ok with Dh going with her for the night and having the day with sil. She did have a bit of a cry when I said I couldn’t go. Dh should never have assumed sil knew the arrangements without speaking to sil first. Mil seems to be the one that goes between them all and as she made it sound like that was the plan and that sil knew about it, Dh went along with it. That’s the first problem I have. When he realised it was a problem about us staying he should’ve spoken to me and we decide what to do. And possibly asked dd. However the decision was made that I stay at home. I’m just annoyed I’m excluded. I agree I was never invited and the title of my op is crap. Dh has always said he wants us all to be one big family and I’ve quite enjoyed this as I never had that with my family. So when I am left out (and this isn’t the first time from sil) it really upsets me.

YOU HAVE NOT BEEN LEFT OUT!

Dd was invited to a sleepover, with activities planned. You then INVITED YOURSELF and DH without actually asking the host if that was OK. So, as neither of you were invited in the first place, neither of you have been uninvited.
Telling your DD you ‘couldn’t go’ is a pretty poor thing to do. When DD expressed some concerns about being without you or her dad overnight, you should have said that you’d see if dad could stay with her, and that you’d have things to do at home.
I hope she had a lovely time at her Aunts house, and you don’t act in a way that’ll make her feel bad about going.

How far away is it? Could you still have your day out with DH while your DD does whatever DSIL has planned, then you go home and your DH stays over?

@Lougle and @Soontobe60 at least read OP's update. It's sorted. It was a miscommunication.

I wouldn't tolerate being excluded or told I can't attend anything with my own child. I'd cancel the event if she said I couldn't go.

[quote saraclara]**@Lougle* and @Soontobe60* at least read OP's update. It's sorted. It was a miscommunication.[/quote]
I was suggesting an alternative. The OP is free to disregard.

What H'a family needs is a group chat to communicate without relying on the mother as a go between.

You sound like a nice person OP. I am pleased that it is now sorted and you are happier.
Some horrible posts on here from people who see an opportunity for some MIL and SIL bashing. They disregard the OP's own updates or profess not to believe them(!) and have a massive go at a sister looking forward to seeing her brother. I just know that would not be the case if it was a woman wanting to see her sister without her husband.
Misogyny is ´hatred and contempt for women'. It is so horrible to see the hatred and contempt for MILs and SILs bubble over on MN. Some posters write their own version of the original thread to allow them to vent their hatred on line. It is not nice reading.
So pleased your problem is sorted to your satisfaction OP

@Realitea

I’m going to have a take away, watch a film and enjoy the rarity that is peace and quiet. I’m really looking forward to it now!

Great outcome and hopefully will be a step toward your DD overcoming some of her anxiety.

From the other side, I know mil enjoyed having dn to stay for a night. Dn was quite an anxious girl, but the Pil would spoil her for a day, take her out, and she’d have a nice time.

Sil did not approve. Mil said sil would ring up all the time, including for ages at bedtime, and tell mil how dn needed her, when dn was fine with the Pil. Sil would pull the “we’re a family” thing and in fact now bil is never allowed out of her sight….

Im probably going to get flamed for this but what is it with all these anxious kids on mn? Genuine question.

I have a lot of kids and I know a lot of kids and its just not something I see in rl.

@givethatbabyaname

You're upset that you're being excluded from something, that's all.

You know your DD will be fine.

You know your DH is happy with the arrangement.

You are taking exception to being singled out. It's about your SIL rejecting you, specifically.

Just move on. Let your DD have her nice weekend. Life is too short to be wasting energy on unproductive emotions.

This

You and your husband can spend a day apart. Your reactions indicate an underlying issue, Ie potential anxiety, and it’s appalling your husband agreed for you both going to stay at your sister in laws and not even asking her if it was ok. Then you deciding it was malicious without even talking to her and then how it will be bad for both of you if you’re not together.

I don’t think your sil is the issue.