In law has uninvited me

[Realitea]

One of my in laws really wanted to have dd10 overnight in a few weeks, she has some amazing stuff planned for them to do. Dd currently has anxiety and would rather I stay with her, or Dh or preferably both. Dh said that’s fine we’ll all go and we planned a day out ourselves and dd was happy. We’d all be together in the evening.
Now the relative has said they didn’t know about this arrangement (well done Dh 🙄) and would rather it was just dd but considering she’s anxious just dh can stay. He will have nothing to do all day!

I’m feeling a bit miffed about this. She has form for excluding me from things. I had booked the day off and was looking forward to it.
Is it out of order of the in law or am I being over the top? The reason for why I can’t go is that ‘dd won’t really interact with the relative if I’m around’ but we had separate plans anyway, I would just be sleeping there.

I would let dd go.

I wouod also let Dh go and be bored because he doesn’t have anything to do. Maybe next time, he’ll get more organised and actually TALK to his dsis (or SIL?) rather than assumed MIL had talked to her.

I also think one of the issue is that your SIL is probably not aware at all of your plans (just like she wasn’t aware of your dd anxiety) so assumed that everyone would be spending the day together rather than you and DH being there just for the night.

Tbh I think the whole mess has been created by your DH and of you are angry at someone, it should be him.

If this is a pattern then you, and your husband, need to stop it happening.

Set a boundary and hold it. What are you letting your daughter see is acceptable?

Send dd and h off. Plan a nice weekend and fuck that spiteful family off in the future. I'd be low contact after this.

I think if they want to spend time with DD they should not have planned it. I do think its a bit over the top you both going.

Xpost

I don’t think its an issue with your DH being invited but not you.

From your SIL pov, it’s probably nit being able to get away with less than having your DH there.
She was looking forward to spend the WE with her niece and now she has to contend with the parent(s) too. She might well be going down the ‘damage limitation’ route by having only one of you there. That being your DH just makes more sense to her.

Btw she is right that the dynamics are totally different when the parents are there vs just aunt & niece together.

Yes I think that’s what it is @PerfectlyUnsuitable
But also if I were her and realised we’d made plans around staying (as we were made to think she knew) I would be a bit more hospitable and say of course we can both go
Surely she realises it’ll be crap for me and Dh now? Both in different cities with not much to do

I thought that SIL and OP's DD were doing something, OP and her DH were doing something, just the pair of them and they were all meeting later. So SIL would still be having a day with her niece.

I would accept she's a witch but take full advantage of the night free and either indulge in a rom-com session or hit the town with willing females.

Leave SIL to her power games drama as long as DD is ok.

I would make sure DH in future communicates via message so no one can say you didn't tell me on the phone etc. Put it all in writing. To avoid any future confusion.

See how that pans out.

If SIL thinks you are having much more fun not being there you will soon be dragged along as an emotional punching bag.

I can kind of see SIL's point.

She was planning a lovely aunt/ niece special weekend treat and suddenly she discovers indirectly that instead she's going to be hosting both dd's parents without any discussion. It's pretty rude to assume that was ok and telling your dd it was happening without running it by SIL first.

@Realitea maybe she is pissed off that your DH/you planned all this wo talking to her though.
Why should she make an effort for people who don’t even bother to contact her and see if she is happy with the arrangements?

Playing the devil advocate there. But unless there is a big history of your SIL being unkind, then I can see why she doesn’t feel she should make a big effort to make it easier for you…

@SpideySenseTingles

Your in law invited their grandchild. You and DH have invited yourselves without asking the in law! If the in law is comfortable to host grandchild and DH as a compromise I would graciously accept that and plan a nice weekend for myself whilst they are away.

You can't demand your in law to have all three of you over. It's their home.

I agree. If I had planned a lovely time with DN but then suddenly had to put up, and entertain, DP’s as well it would ruin my plans tbh -and I like all my family & in-laws.

I’d rather they just say DN will give it a miss until another time.

So your SIL did a really nice thing and invited your dd for a sleepover and made arrangements to do some enjoyable activities? Your dd is rather anxious about it, so rather than tell your SIL that she's nervous about staying over and therefore she'll just come for the day if that's ok, you've decided to foist yourself upon SIL overnight?

Yeah I'd be pissed if I was your SIL too! If she wanted you and her brother there she'd have invited you.

They invited your daughter over and you and your husband invited yourselves. If your daughter didn’t want to go in her own, then the appropriate thing to do would be to decline that particular invitation, not invite yourself and not even bother telling them. Having a family including two adults over requires a fair bit more planning than having a child over.

You're upset that you're being excluded from something, that's all.

You know your DD will be fine.

You know your DH is happy with the arrangement.

You are taking exception to being singled out. It's about your SIL rejecting you, specifically.

Just move on. Let your DD have her nice weekend. Life is too short to be wasting energy on unproductive emotions.

I think if I were the auntie I'd be fed up with this too. She's planning something nice for niece, nobody tells her about the anxiety and she discovers third hand that mum and dad want to stay as well. It's not that she's excluding you it's the principle of the thing. If your DH is good enough for your DD surely that's fine?
And - gently - are you anxious as well by any chance?

@titchy

So your SIL did a really nice thing and invited your dd for a sleepover and made arrangements to do some enjoyable activities? Your dd is rather anxious about it, so rather than tell your SIL that she's nervous about staying over and therefore she'll just come for the day if that's ok, you've decided to foist yourself upon SIL overnight?

Yeah I'd be pissed if I was your SIL too! If she wanted you and her brother there she'd have invited you.

This^

And you haven’t been uninvited, as you never were invited....

And the prize for the most misleading thread title goes to ………..

Well done OP it’s you.

You can't he uninvited to something you weren't invited to in the first place.

If your D's anxiety is so bad maybe not let her go.
Or actually talk to the person that invited your DC rather than Mil.

I agree that it's a bit cheeky to invite yourself along. If you'd rather be around, then invite your SIL to yours.

Have you suggested that you go instead of DH?

YABU
you shouldnt have assumed SIL knew, when neither u nor ur husband talked to her
you shouldnt have invited yourself to someones house without talking to them
while its not nice to feel excluded, this is not your SIL's doing, its your husbands for not talking to her. just because you are a family unit it doesnt mean that u have to be inseperable. take the opportunity of being child and husband free and do a hobby or see friends

Maybe you all should go but you need to work with your dd with this anxiety issue and interaction with other people, it doesn’t sound very healthy.

Thanks

so basically your husband screwed up?
but....I'd be a bit concerned about the "she won't interract with me if you are there" because that sounds a tiny bit to me like coercion.