My ex is stalking me at public events - and my dad is helping him do it

[Warrior93]

I got involved with a guy when I was not in a good place. He clearly had issues - controlling, manipulative, weird, but also obsessed with me. I FINALLY got rid of him this January, but he hasn’t left me alone since.

In the early months post breakup, he turned up at my house a couple of times, crying and begging, and called, messaged, emailed etc. Nothing abusive, just begging to speak to me. I blocked him on everything apart from emails. After a couple of months of this, I called the police and they were brilliant. They rang him and explained the legality of the situation and he stopped harassing me. For a while.

After a couple of months he started again, but worse. My dad and I compete in a sport, which is open to the public to attend (though in Covid you could only be there if you were a competitor). My ex has turned up to several of these events (don’t know how he got in) this year and accosted me, following me around asking to speak, staring at me all the time. I’ve ignored him. Most recently, at the last event he technically left me alone, but he spent the whole weekend lurking, staring. He would not take his eyes off me - he’d appear out of nowhere wherever I was. It was so creepy and of course very distracting. I ignored him completely, as I have done all year.

There is a very dark twist to this which I worry makes it impossible to get rid of him, and leaves me feeling quite desperate and conflicted. My dad, who is a complicated man, runs a small business. The entire time I was with my ex, he kept asking if he could recruit him to work for him. I kept saying no because I knew I would then never be able to break free from this man. The month before I ended it for good, my dad was in a desperate situation and couldn’t find anyone to do a 3 week job over Christmas. So I said yes. The 3 week job happened, ended, my ex went back to what he was doing before, and I broke up with him in the January.

The harassment happened, and shortly before I called the police, I found out through someone else that my dad had rehired my ex permanently, behind my back. He knew all about the stalking. He was even there with him when my ex got the call from the police. He made up an elaborate story to keep this from me - making up a fake name for my ex and even referring to him in conversations so I wouldn’t know who it was. 10 months on and they still work together. Closely together too - he drives all over the country with this man. I have begged, shouted, cried, at my dad to get him to sack my ex, but he just won’t. It’s ruined my relationship with my dad - I never want to call him because my ex might be there, and I cannot understand how he could be missing that very normal paternal instinct to protect his daughter.

So all these events that have happened this year, my ex has been able to turn up and chat to/hang out with my dad. The one last weekend, my dad been BROUGHT HIM to the event, in his car! Then acted all surprised when I was annoyed that he had effectively delivered my stalker to me. I even spoke to my dad and said that my ex was staring at me and intimidating me, and his response was to laugh and say ‘oh well’.

I know I can call the police again, but firstly blocking him on everything won’t stop him from turning up at these events, and secondly, my dad playing the role that he is makes it very difficult to deal with. It’s hard to explain to anyone, including the police, that my dad is at the heart of the problem.

Does anyone have any advice or knowledge of the law that could help me? Thanks so much in advance.

You need to speak to the police again and keep a log of all of this.

I do not understand your dad's behaviour at all, I can only think that he isn't taking it seriously or that your ex is a master manipulator.

It all sounds seriously creepy.

Do you have a good support network around you of friends and family you can also confide in, so they can look out for you and also help you through this.

Sounds like he needs a restraining order, I would cut your dad off even if just temporary. His behaviour is not okay.

Also maybe contact some support groups/charities for people who have gone through similar to see what advice they can give.

This must be awful for you, please go back to the police about it ASAP.

Just re-reading the thread I should also clarify that my ex works for cash (which I’m pretty sure is illegal). He definitely won’t have a contract, and I’m pretty sure he’s claiming benefits as well. I have considered dobbing him in to the authorities but worry that it would then make him angry and that’s not good. Would also annoy my dad but I’m much less worried about that.

I always think that when 2 dangerous people get together, it's then when they strike. Your pa seems to be enjoying your ex and Vice Versa. I believe your ex is enjoying his new found past time WITH YOUR DAD! He must be thrilled to have you where he wants you

Are you seriously putting your safety below some stupid sport? Sport may be your life but...there comes a point when you need to draw a line in the sand and say my life or my sport. This guy is stalking you, I don´t want to be more specific but you are not taking it seriously enough. And as to your dad, I´M lost for words. Cut him out and he can keep his damned money.

Maybe I am a bit numb to all of it now - hard to take your own problems seriously when your own dad isn’t bothered I suppose.

There is also a part of me that thinks that if he’s going to hurt me, he wouldn’t do it at an event anyway. He’d come to my home, which he knows the location of, where I live alone. While the staring and lurking is creepy, we’re surrounded by people and that does make me feel fundamentally safe. The issue I suppose is whether seeing him at those events is feeding the fire, and of course what information my dad is telling him. But frankly the fact that he knows where I live is probably enough!

Incidentally, spoke to a lawyer. Haven’t got into specifics yet but £2-3k plus VAT to pursue a restraining order.

I’ve removed my dad from social media in the meantime and haven’t answered his calls for now.

@SVRT19674 no, she isn't. The "stupid sport" is out of season now, giving OP enough time to consider other sources of finance & get events documented with relevant authorities before coming back next year, without her father's sponsorship.

Besides, what would giving up her beloved sport do to ensure her safety? These are crowded events where OP is surrounded by friends & friendly officials. Ex is hardly going to get physical in front of witnesses, is he?

The time she needs to be careful are at home, & when she is alone.
Giving up her sport just hands him control over her life.

I had a stalker.
He did more than glower - it was months of death threats.
Was I maybe Not The Right Kind Of Victim, because I refused to cower at home, nervously kneading a lace hankie? I'm convinced that many PP are putting this vibe on OP - that she ought to be presenting a more fearful, stereotypically 'feminine' response, & they are going to Tone Police her until she does.

This guy is not going to kill her at her sporting events. She never has to be alone at them, she can walk to her car in company when it's time to go home, she will be safe in her car if she follows sensible precautions.

Just like I was safe-enough out & about under death threats - because I refused to fucking kowtow & thereby hand my stalker the control he craved.

I had teams of people either side of the border letting me know which country he was presently in, a hotline to the local cop shop (& some VERY unimpressed cops who memorised his car & number plate), & followed all the safety protocols about parking/shopping/socialising etc taught to me by a self-defence & martial arts expert.
THAT is what kept me alive - not cowering at home. Being at home was the scariest part of the whole experience in fact. Being out meant other people, so far easier to keep safe.

Incidentally, spoke to a lawyer. Haven’t got into specifics yet but £2-3k plus VAT to pursue a restraining order.

Sounds good value OP.

Mine was approx £3k, around 15 years ago, & included 1 day of Barrister time.

Best £3k I ever spent. Especially as Barrister got the costs awarded to The Other Party .

I hope you seriously consider getting an injunction or R/O against your dad too. He is aiding & abetting, it's a crime. Ask your lawyer, & good luck!

I’ve removed my dad from social media in the meantime and haven’t answered his calls for now.

"For now"????
You know you never have to communicate with that arsehole again, don'tcha?

National Domestic Violence Helpline will take you through applying for a restraining order for free with just a few hundred £ for the court fees. Please actually call them and get their expert advice.

RandomMess, I have tried to call them, yesterday and today. They have a huge call queue so I looked into a private solicitor to get things moving. I will try them again obviously

ChargingBuck, thanks for all your advice. Sounds like you had a horrific experience. Was a restraining order enough to get rid of that man for good?

There are charities that can help you with the restraining order without such a expense, contact WomansAid, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

My Dad stuck up for my ex and stalker once. I let him back into my life, partly because he helped me financially.

Years later when I was in another abusive relationship, guess what! He did it again. We are now no contact.

My Dad does not think he has done anything wrong. He would probably describe me as 'over sensitive' and a bit of a drama llama. Both those men tried to kill me.

It makes absolutely zero sense to me, but now I have stopped trying to make sense of it. What kind of father enables the abuse of their child? I'm sorry you have asked these questions too of your Dad.

Wow Namechangellama, sounds like our dads would get on well! That’s exactly what my dad’s narrative would be I think. I remember him saying ‘ohh he wouldn’t hurt you!’ And ‘aww he’s all loved up’ (when he wouldn’t leave me alone). They just don’t get it. Someone earlier said about him being deeply misogynistic and I think that hits the nail on the head. Annoyingly if I go no contact, I don’t think it will teach him any kind of lesson. He’ll see himself as a victim of his daughter disowning him after all that he’s done for her. Does your family still have contact with him?

He is a brilliant gas lighter so pretends to have no idea why we aren't talking. I am done explaining myself to anyone really because they don't all see it and make lots of excuses from him. I know am doing what is right to protect me and my children and I've made my peace with that. Funnily enough the police, child protective services, everyone else these two men (my ex's) come into contact with know them as abusive men and they now both have custodial criminal records for abusing women. My Dad thought I should stay with them because then they would pay for me. I realised that he believes that women cannot be financially independent. Of course I now no longer have contact with him, including any financial ties. I'm sure in his head I must be getting money from men somewhere. He is a man who never swears, raises his voice, never violent or threatening in anyway. But he is passive aggressive, a gas lighter, an enabler of abuse, a victim blamer, etc, etc. It's subtle but he emotionally abused and financially manipulated me for many years, and when I released myself from that I realised that this damaging effect on my self esteem was part of the reason I ended up in bad relationships in the first place. That my whole life I what I had thought was 'love' from my Dad was actually emotional abuse and financial coercion, so when I met other emotionally abusive and coercive individuals I misunderstood their emotion as love and not abuse. I was constantly undermining my own 'warning system' in that relationship which meant I no longer listened to it, my intuition, that gut instinct that I need to keep me safe I kept ignoring. I won't do that again.

It is hard because it's your Dad. It took me many years to shut that door conclusively, and there are moments when doubt creeps in. But I won't give in to that feeling of obligation anymore. Just because somebody is called 'Dad' does not mean they get a place in your life. Somebody said to be "if this person was not your Dad would you put up with this behaviour?" I realised that I absolutely wouldn't. Would you accept this behaviour from anyone else or would it be a deal breaker? You need to see this as a person and not their relationship to you, IYSWIM

@Warrior93

ChargingBuck, thanks for all your advice. Sounds like you had a horrific experience. Was a restraining order enough to get rid of that man for good?

No my love, I had an Injunction.

And not for good - it was limited until the marital home was sold, as it was designed to keep me safe there, hanging on to my sanity & income stream by a thread, while conducting viewings etc & doing the sad business of dismantling the apparatus & assets of the marriage.

However, 5 months later despite "not able to live without you", Hoovering, love bombing, drone drone blah blah, he shacked up with his Next Bird & I kinda knew I was safe now. (New source of Supply, you get it?)

He had previously wanted to squat in the annexe to "begin the process of recovery" following his 4 "suicide attempts" (all staged on the same night btw) - i.e. put off all buyers & harrass & terrify me as he would "rather see you bleeding in a gutter than taking any of the money you brought to our relationship with you".
This was the man who would repeatedly declare, when drunk, that he would "kill you if you ever leave me."

I decided - literally in these words one day, stamping around the frosty hills with m'beloved hound - "death or freedom". Felt the fear & did it anyway ...
I lucked out though, with a lawyer who understood coercive control, 15 years ago. Without her, I may not have survived, & certainly would not have thrived. Please make sure your lawyer is feckin' top notch, & is absolutely FOR you Warrior.

xx

And keep fucking trucking. I mean motor sports. Don't let that abusive arsehole control your access to the thing that makes you tick. And I include your dad in that. xx

I just thought I’d update everyone as it may help someone else.

To be honest, I’ve not gotten anywhere. Went to a solicitor about a non-mol and they directed me to a local charity providing free legal advice on domestic violence issues. Spoke to them and they said go to the police again and get the police to take out the non-mol on my behalf. The police were shockingly bad - they googled ‘get a restraining order’ while I was on the phone and told me to do the same and fill in the form myself.

I then went back to the legal charity and spoke to the solicitor again and she said I had a weak case for a non-mol or injunction because my ex isn’t doing anything other than turning up at these events. And that nothing can be done about my dad (which I sort of knew).

What I will say is that the process is exhausting and everyone tells you something different. The same solicitor gave me different advice in the two calls I had with her. I dread to think what it must be like when someone is threatening to kill you or being physically violent etc.

I have actually had another conversation with my dad after blocking him for about 3 weeks. I explained everything again and he said he promises not to bring him to events next year, and that he will ‘tell him it’s probably best he doesn’t go to any events I’ll be at’. But he won’t fire him or anything. And doesn’t understand my position. And doesn’t think my ex would harm me. He also didn’t apologise or show any remorse for lying or empathy for the position he’s put me in. The whole experience has definitely changed my relationship with my dad for good.

So despite all the encouragement from everyone on here, it doesn’t seem like there is anything I can do after all.

You’re all right about my dad though, he’s a complete misogynist who only cares about himself.

I am still thinking of what to do about the next season of racing. Maybe just keep turning up but film/take photos of my ex every time he appears near me? Might ward him off?

OP, I'm sorry to read your update - how horribly frustrating.

I too compete in a sport (albeit at amateur level) that I am passionate about - when I was younger, I was very, VERY good and and it really would have been like ripping part of my heart out to stop doing it, but you MUST get away from your horrible, controlling father.

Can you use the off-season to go into overdrive to find a sponsor and alternative sources of funds? You don't mention what sort of motorsports you compete in (and I shan't ask), but - with the possible exception of rallying - most fields are still male-dominated enough that a top amateur woman driver will surely be niche enough to attract interest?

Drum up every contact you have and keep chipping away - I am not from a wealthy background and my sport is EXCEPTIONALLY expensive (probably up there with motorsports and yachting!). I don't compete at top level any more, but when I was younger and still competing at top level, I used to market myself relentlessly. Be your own brand.

I don't have any experience of stalkers so can't offer any specific advice on that front, but I'd also put time and energy into improving your home security as much as possible - I believe you can get private security companies to come and do assessments and make recommendations (as others have suggested, the Suzy Lamplugh Trust may be a good source of advice on this).

I hope you can find a resolution without having to give up the thing you love.

Warrior93

The police won't think in terms of restraining orders most likely. But harassment is a criminal offence under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 and you can also ask them to apply for a stalking protection order for you. Google Stalking Protection Orders Home Office guidance January 2021.

You need to make it clear to the police that you are in fear of your personal safety, that it is interfering with your peace of mind - and therefore your rights under Article 8 European Convention on Human Rights (the right to private and family life). You need to make it very clear to the police that you cannot /will not give up your hobby because (a) that would be a further interference with your Article 8 rights and (b) you are safer doing that hobby than in your own home.

Oh, and cut off contact with your father. He cannot consent to your being stalked, so that is not my concern, but he is a grade-A arsehole and for as long as he is in your life you are at risk from misogynistic and manipulative men

Drop the sport. Pick up a new hobby. Girl, your very life is at stake and you are worrying about a damn sport??? Are you kidding me right now? This guy is a loony toon and your dad is one as well. STOP COMPETING. Do something else for awhile where you are out of the public eye. Move. Close all your social media accounts and go dark. Change your phone number and do not give it to your parents. Call them from a Google phone number you have hooked up to your phone. Give them THAT number which you can change at will and they will never have your new phone number. Do not go visit your dad. Do not allow him to visit you. He needs to be cut off for obviously doing all he can to put you are risk and in danger behind this guy. I swear if it were me I would think my dad and this guy were lovers, the way he is acting towards you. Like you are competition he wants to get out of the way.

You are not taking this seriously at all. This guy is DANGEROUS and so is your father. If you could leave the country and go elsewhere that is what I would recommend. You can get a job to pay for you to move there, and you can pick your sport up again when you are thousands of miles away from them both.