My ex is stalking me at public events - and my dad is helping him do it

[Warrior93]

I got involved with a guy when I was not in a good place. He clearly had issues - controlling, manipulative, weird, but also obsessed with me. I FINALLY got rid of him this January, but he hasn’t left me alone since.

In the early months post breakup, he turned up at my house a couple of times, crying and begging, and called, messaged, emailed etc. Nothing abusive, just begging to speak to me. I blocked him on everything apart from emails. After a couple of months of this, I called the police and they were brilliant. They rang him and explained the legality of the situation and he stopped harassing me. For a while.

After a couple of months he started again, but worse. My dad and I compete in a sport, which is open to the public to attend (though in Covid you could only be there if you were a competitor). My ex has turned up to several of these events (don’t know how he got in) this year and accosted me, following me around asking to speak, staring at me all the time. I’ve ignored him. Most recently, at the last event he technically left me alone, but he spent the whole weekend lurking, staring. He would not take his eyes off me - he’d appear out of nowhere wherever I was. It was so creepy and of course very distracting. I ignored him completely, as I have done all year.

There is a very dark twist to this which I worry makes it impossible to get rid of him, and leaves me feeling quite desperate and conflicted. My dad, who is a complicated man, runs a small business. The entire time I was with my ex, he kept asking if he could recruit him to work for him. I kept saying no because I knew I would then never be able to break free from this man. The month before I ended it for good, my dad was in a desperate situation and couldn’t find anyone to do a 3 week job over Christmas. So I said yes. The 3 week job happened, ended, my ex went back to what he was doing before, and I broke up with him in the January.

The harassment happened, and shortly before I called the police, I found out through someone else that my dad had rehired my ex permanently, behind my back. He knew all about the stalking. He was even there with him when my ex got the call from the police. He made up an elaborate story to keep this from me - making up a fake name for my ex and even referring to him in conversations so I wouldn’t know who it was. 10 months on and they still work together. Closely together too - he drives all over the country with this man. I have begged, shouted, cried, at my dad to get him to sack my ex, but he just won’t. It’s ruined my relationship with my dad - I never want to call him because my ex might be there, and I cannot understand how he could be missing that very normal paternal instinct to protect his daughter.

So all these events that have happened this year, my ex has been able to turn up and chat to/hang out with my dad. The one last weekend, my dad been BROUGHT HIM to the event, in his car! Then acted all surprised when I was annoyed that he had effectively delivered my stalker to me. I even spoke to my dad and said that my ex was staring at me and intimidating me, and his response was to laugh and say ‘oh well’.

I know I can call the police again, but firstly blocking him on everything won’t stop him from turning up at these events, and secondly, my dad playing the role that he is makes it very difficult to deal with. It’s hard to explain to anyone, including the police, that my dad is at the heart of the problem.

Does anyone have any advice or knowledge of the law that could help me? Thanks so much in advance.

Even if this stalker ex hadn’t appeared, your dad has shown that he is willing to use money to control you. So it was an unhealthy situation anyway.

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. Yes, my dad uses money to manipulate and control everyone, including the women in his life. And yes, of course it has affected my choice in men.

On the fear point, I do need to clarify that this man never laid a hand on me. I don’t know how I feel - somewhere between just freaked out, and also mindful that horrific crimes against victims start out this way, and it could end very badly. So there is part of me that thinks, maybe I’m overreacting, he hasn’t come over and tried to speak to me or turned up at my house or threatened me or anything. But then I think, what if I’m under reacting and this gets ugly? I’ll wish I’d done something. Of course my dad down playing it doesn’t help - it’s hard to believe your own inner voice when your own family are sort of saying get over it, y’know.

But yes, noted on the financial ties. I fund everything in my life other than that. I suppose from a shallow point of view, he’s been such a terrible father that I’ve tried to take what I can get and make the best of it - which is money. But it’s probably gone too far now.

You need to report him to the police again and ask for a restraining order.

However, you and your dad are both enabling his behaviour. What are you expecting others involved in the sport to do? You and your dad are not prepared to do the right thing - why should they do anything?

Your dad should sack him and tell him bluntly why - given how long he has been employed it should not be a problem. Your dad's behaviour is appalling.
You should stop accepting this financial support for your sport right now - you have let it compromise your actions in all of this. It also compromises your relationship with your dad.

Put your safety first.

@Warrior93

Thanks so much everyone for your advice. Yes, my dad uses money to manipulate and control everyone, including the women in his life. And yes, of course it has affected my choice in men.

On the fear point, I do need to clarify that this man never laid a hand on me. I don’t know how I feel - somewhere between just freaked out, and also mindful that horrific crimes against victims start out this way, and it could end very badly. So there is part of me that thinks, maybe I’m overreacting, he hasn’t come over and tried to speak to me or turned up at my house or threatened me or anything. But then I think, what if I’m under reacting and this gets ugly? I’ll wish I’d done something. Of course my dad down playing it doesn’t help - it’s hard to believe your own inner voice when your own family are sort of saying get over it, y’know.

But yes, noted on the financial ties. I fund everything in my life other than that. I suppose from a shallow point of view, he’s been such a terrible father that I’ve tried to take what I can get and make the best of it - which is money. But it’s probably gone too far now.

Sadly I think you may be right. It may no longer be worth what enjoyment you are getting from it for the added stress it comes with. I have a feeling you may find once you start going deeper into this, the issue with the ex may be more of a surface distraction to the real issue which I suspect may be more about your dad. Use your contacts to reduce your dependancy as it will open up new streams of funding to you.

And even if your dad sacks him, he may well still turn up without the restraining order. It can't be hard to find out where these events are. Your dad will have told him all kinds of things during their chats at work- about his life and yours.

It's disappointing but sometimes parents can be a bit rubbish at consideration.

The problem with trying for a restraining order is - what if he decides to challenge it? Acting as devil's advocate, his defence would have a field day with the fact that your father has no problem with him, and is taking him to events where you will be present - and that you are continuing to go to those events despite that. That makes it all the more important to tell your Dad that you are going to have to stop going to these events if he keeps taking your ex, and to ensure that he isn't able to tell your ex anything about your movements.

I know, I probably should cut ties with my dad. I love him so much. He clearly has psychological issues because he genuinely does not understand the problem. At all.

Similarly to @MultiStorey I don't think it's that your dad doesn't understand the issue. He is clearly deeply deeply misogynist and completely comfortable with the concept that a man's thoughts, feelings and desires should be prioritised over a woman's, even if that woman is his daughter. I have seen similar with PIL who consistently took BIL's side against their own daughter because they have a deep, instinctive belief that she was not acting sufficiently "feminine" and that's why the relationship does not work.

Restraining order.
NC with your dad.

I'm so angry at your Dad on your behalf! How dare he. I don't see a way for you to be in contact with him in this situation.

It sounds to me like your Dad is being manipulated by your stalker. Your stalker then has more access to you. It sounds really horrible and dangerous for you. I'd take a step back and consider your options. Talk to the Police, Women's aid or another DV specialist. Get some advice on your risk level. Then you can make the best choice to keep yourself safe. I'm really sorry it's so awful for you.

Log all incidents of harassment (or make a list with times and dates).

Speak to a lawyer. Get a court order against the ex so he can be arrested if he comes within X metres of you. Make sure your Dad is aware of the order, I’d suggest your lawyer or police write to your Dad re warning him not to facilitate a crime.

Stop relying on your Dad’s funding for the sport. If you can’t afford to do it without him, stop doing the sport until you can. Your Dad is using his money to control you and that is creepy beyond belief. To be honest it sounds like your Dad and your ex are very similar people: both are obsessed with you but have no respect for you, neither care about your feelings, both liars, neither have any integrity, both into the same sport… Your Dad sees himself in your ex and has ALREADY chosen the ex over you.

Very sorry, this all really sucks.

I don’t know how I feel - somewhere between just freaked out, and also mindful that horrific crimes against victims start out this way, and it could end very badly.

Op, a close friend of mine was one of the latter. She had an ex that stalked her for months. He then broke into her home and murdered her.

It was the end of an escalating path that had never involved physical violence until it did. Before that, he'd been showing up places, messaging her, contacting her friends and family, leaving 'romantic presents' at her door. Each isolated incident seemed relatively small and easy to write off, but the overall picture was terrifying. Obviously I don't know your ex's intentions nor what kind of person he is, and I don't want to scare you unduly, but decent, stable people don't act like this.

You know his behaviour is wrong. You know this is serious. Please, please don't let yourself be persuaded to ignore your gut.

In addition to the non-mol order route, the police may give him a PIN for harassment - not worth a huge amount but better than nothing. Please keep reporting.

In respect of your dad, it isn't a case of 'probably' needing to cut him out. If he is unwilling to acknowledge or incapable of understanding/caring that he is putting your physical safety and your mental health at risk, then you need him out of your life to protect yourself, at the very least until the situation with your stalker is resolved.

@MultiStorey

I know, I probably should cut ties with my dad. I love him so much. He clearly has psychological issues because he genuinely does not understand the problem. At all.

Have you considered that your Dad understands perfectly well the desire of a man to control a female he “loves” by whatever means necessary given that your father controls you by using your love of this sport and the financial dependency it has created?
Have you considered that your Dad and this absolute fucking nut-job have the same mindset, and that’s why they are buddying up.
Is it even possible that the dynamic attracted you to the nut-job?

Call the police. Cut your Dad off, get sponsors or find a cheaper sport that doesn’t endanger your physical and mental health in this way.

Your dad will likely remember Jill Dando. Journalist murdered by her stalker in 1999. I would calmly tell him you have no intention of ending up like her and you are putting your safety above him and what he wants. Then cut him off.

Please read and reread this post. Your dad is not a good man. Get a non mol order against his new buddy.

Your safety is worth more than money. I have the same issue with my brother. My mother totally denies he is violent with me and a danger. Even though she has seen him threaten me and push me over. I am disabled.

Tell your Dad to watch this. Molly's killer also had someone that enabled his stalking.
www.itv.com/hub/social-media-murders/10a1749a0001

Men like your ex - they don't lay a finger on you, until they do.

Prioritise your safety, from the ex, and your father. Worry about your sport after you're safe.

I understand why you haven't cut him off, it makes perfect sense, you've been groomed your whole life to put men's wants over your welfare. It's time to stop that now, the stakes are too high.

If they both know where you're going to be, unfortunately, you'll have to stop being there. Can you move to a different but similar sport, something like motorbike racing instead? Just a thought, I know nothing about the logistics.

I disagree that your dad is being manipulated by your ex. I think he's deliberately allowing this, it's a kind of controlling by proxy. He's taunting you like a cat with a mouse, first by the constant threat of giving him a job, then actually doing it, and now this. You have to cut the financial ties, as difficult as that may be, because this will not end well. They are like minded, and they are both enjoying this.

Work out how much you need to continue your sport. Draw up a budget to approach potential sponsors. Talk to your mechanic about the situation - they may have ideas for sponsors. Go round the pit lane/paddock, talk to everybody. Put big stickers on vehicle, transport etc - seeking sponsors. Have all your races and results on a printout to give to everybody to show achievements, explain your ambition. Swap to one of the other types of motorsports if necessary for a while - you might be equally good at that. Eg if you are doing stage rallying, do endurance rallies for a season. Make sure you are in control of your sport, not your dad ASAP. Good luck.

Additionally, no sponsor needs the ins and outs of why you need sponsorship. Everybody in motorsports needs money! What is important to a sponsor is what they get in return eg your dedication and results, and exposure for their brand.

Ok, well your in a position. You either cut contact with your dad and loose the sport, or you find that whilst the ex is a stalker he hasn’t done anything but be there and stare (I know that this is enough) so you decide what you want to do.

I would continue with my dad and the sport and ignore the ex if I loved the sport that much, but if I thought for a second I was in mortal danger, then no, a sport is not worth the your life.

Maybe you could put it to your dad along the lines of....

'Dad can we look at the schedule for the motorsport next year ASAP.
Can you let me know the dates that EX plans to be there as then I can avoid. The police have advised me to get a restraining order as it freaks me out when he just turns up with everything that's gone on but if he's coming with you that makes it awkward for everyone so probably easier if I don't go'.

His reply will give you your answer.

If you have a restraining order, ex cannot harrass you via a 3rd party either (your dad). If ex does, they can both be arrested. Get the restraining order.

I think giving up a sport is a small price to pay for peace in your life.

I bet you anything that if you remove your dad from your life this man will lose all interest in working for him.

National Domestic Violence Helpline will assist you applying for a non-restraining order and how to press for charges/collate stalking evidence.

Second everyone.

Report to the police and tell your dad in explicit terms he is enabling your stalker and harasser and as an enabler you will no longer have contact.

Does this guy (your ex) have some sort of hold over your Dad - does your Dad owe him money, does he have some knowledge he could use to blackmail your Dad. It's completely baffling from what you've said why you Dad would do this.

I would (1) log every incident (2) go to the police (3) cut ties with your Dad completely (4) try to get sponsorship for the sport or give it up. Nothing is worth that amount of scariness.