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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you feel if your partner called you...

123 replies

Notonthenewrug · 21/11/2021 17:49

Repulsive?

Bit of a back story (too much to go into). I'm 34, he's 52. Got a DC 2 years and both a child from previous marriage.

Partner not been particularly helpful and supportive in the past. Continually talks over me, addicted to his phone and interupts me to pick up his phone. If I raise any issues it ALWAYS ends up with him saying I have mental health issues and need therapy. It doesn't matter what the disagreement is.

I've stopped talking to him about life in general because he's not particularly interested (can't listen and interupts). If I try and raise an issue he always shout at me.

Had an argument last week. Basically he's constantly attached to his phone (plays a lot of games) and I was fed up of him more interested in his phone than me. Same when with our toddler. Also, he made a comment about being "stuck" here. He says things like that a lot- he's stuck here and it upset me.

I then said if he's messaging other women to be honest so I can move on because whoever is on his phone is evidently more interesting than I am. He went nuts that I could ever think he would cheat (his ex cheated and he says he never would). Shouting at me I'm mental and insecure and need help. I kept asking him to stop shouting, I was very calm and did not raise my voice. He proceeded to tell me I was mental because I was shouting- however I never did.

This is awful but our 2 year old was there, so I kept asking him not to shout at me and said we can have a discussion and resolve issues without shouting, as it's conducive. He kept shouting that if I didn't apologise for saying he's chatting, then he'd leave (said it around 10 times and didn't leave).

As he was raising his voice our son was shouting, I said please stop shouting DS does not like it. I then picked him.up and he said 'ypure just like my ex using our son as a human shield". I genuinely wasn't, I picked him up because he was upset, whilst calmly telling my partner not to shout at me.

He kept saying he can't believe how mental I am and he's fed up of me being a miserable bitch (basically he makes me feel shit and because I know I can't talk to him without being shouted at, I withdraw). He started shouting that I'm repulisve and I could stand naked in front of him.and he wouldn't care because I repulse him. I said that was an awful thing to say and I feel like he doesn't care and he said he doesn't care about me and I'm repulsive. Anyway I basically left the room and cried. He then came to hug me before he went to work but I told him to leave me alone and repeated he didn't mean to say he's stuck here, he just meant he's here because he has to be...made me feel no better.

He then went to have his son the weekend at his dad's (was always the plan) and I went to my mum's (as planned).
He sent messages but I barely replied. To be honest I feel so upset. It's one thing saying I'm a bitch but saying he doesn't care and I'm repulsive was so personal and I'd never speak to him that way.

He's due home in an hour and I just don't know what to say.

OP posts:
Notonthenewrug · 21/11/2021 17:50

By arguement last week I mean friday

OP posts:
Notonthenewrug · 21/11/2021 17:51

Cheating, not chatting!

OP posts:
maslinpan · 21/11/2021 17:52

He is a vile individual. Get shot of him as fast as you can.

IknowwhatIneed · 21/11/2021 17:52

Well, if you’re so repulsive he won’t mind if you leave his abusive arse.

ErrolTheDragon · 21/11/2021 17:54

I'd feel that this man was in no way a 'partner'.

He doesn't seem to treat you as an equal or due any respect.

Branleuse · 21/11/2021 17:54

Theres no coming back from that. He is absolutely vile.

whereisthekey · 21/11/2021 17:55

I'd feel it was about time I had some self respect and left him .. struggling to see why you're choosing to be with him?

TheCreamCaker · 21/11/2021 17:56

He's a bastard, and an old bastard at that. If you continue with this relationship, it won't get any better.

GoodnightGrandma · 21/11/2021 17:57

Can you and your child live at your mum’s for a bit if he won’t leave ?

Lordamighty · 21/11/2021 18:01

He’s due home in an hour and I don’t know what to say.

“Goodbye, it’s not working”, is what you need to say.

RaisedByPangolins · 21/11/2021 18:06

He's due home in an hour and I just don't know what to say.

Say “I’ve packed the rest of your things, they’ll be on the doorstep when you get back from your dad’s. Will be in touch re contact for DS”

RaisedByPangolins · 21/11/2021 18:07

And I’d bet my house he’s cheating.

GoodnightGrandma · 21/11/2021 18:09

Do you own or rent, if you rent whose name is on the agreement ?

nomorefrogs · 21/11/2021 18:09

I don't think you have to say anything. I would treat him as though he repulses you to. Live as separately as you can and line your ducks up to leave.

Notonthenewrug · 21/11/2021 18:19

What annoys me is that he seems to sometimes make things up and play into my insecurities. For instance he'll make comments that I shouldn't be jealous about him going out. However I've never said I had an issue going out and I don't get anywhere if I question him. I'll literally say, when have I stopped you going out and he always says never!
I'd he says he's in the house a lot and doesn't go anywhere, I'll ask how often he wants to be away but he just backtracks and bevr gives a response.
He shouts at me and calls me insecure but he doesn't ever recognise that he has mostly made me this way. For instance, implying he doesn't want to be here, saying he's leaving, I'm repulsive, he doesn't care etc...how can he not see that these statements would make me insecure.

OP posts:
whereisthekey · 21/11/2021 18:21

just leave him! honestly why on earth would you want to be around someone like this. do you not want to be with someone nice who actually makes u happy?

HollowTalk · 21/11/2021 18:25

He's absolutely disgusting. He's done a real number on you to make you even question whether you're right here. Leave him as soon as you can.

ballstoit · 21/11/2021 18:27

If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your DC. If he continues to watch his father treat you in this way, he will believe that is how relationships work.

Notonthenewrug · 21/11/2021 18:28

It's stupid but I love him and want to be a family unit. He's daily trying to make me feel that I'm mentally unstable!

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonslastnerve · 21/11/2021 18:28

Just leave. Jesus.

freeatlast2021 · 21/11/2021 18:29

I know you have a young child and leaving does not seem like an option, but OP you cannot stay with this man. Time will not make it better, only worse. You have to leave while you are young and have a chance to start a new life, weather alone with your DS or with another man who will actually love you and care for you because this one obviously does not.

whereisthekey · 21/11/2021 18:30

@Notonthenewrug what do you love about him?

Cowpad · 21/11/2021 18:32

What a vile old man.you need to leave him today!can you stay with your family/friends?

FatHat · 21/11/2021 18:33

Let him leave. Ask him why he hasn't left yet, since he loves to threaten you with it.

Being alone is far better than being treated like this.

Concestor · 21/11/2021 18:35

He's abusive. Leave him. If you stay then it's abusing your child. Please phone women's aid and get out

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