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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you feel if your partner called you...

123 replies

Notonthenewrug · 21/11/2021 17:49

Repulsive?

Bit of a back story (too much to go into). I'm 34, he's 52. Got a DC 2 years and both a child from previous marriage.

Partner not been particularly helpful and supportive in the past. Continually talks over me, addicted to his phone and interupts me to pick up his phone. If I raise any issues it ALWAYS ends up with him saying I have mental health issues and need therapy. It doesn't matter what the disagreement is.

I've stopped talking to him about life in general because he's not particularly interested (can't listen and interupts). If I try and raise an issue he always shout at me.

Had an argument last week. Basically he's constantly attached to his phone (plays a lot of games) and I was fed up of him more interested in his phone than me. Same when with our toddler. Also, he made a comment about being "stuck" here. He says things like that a lot- he's stuck here and it upset me.

I then said if he's messaging other women to be honest so I can move on because whoever is on his phone is evidently more interesting than I am. He went nuts that I could ever think he would cheat (his ex cheated and he says he never would). Shouting at me I'm mental and insecure and need help. I kept asking him to stop shouting, I was very calm and did not raise my voice. He proceeded to tell me I was mental because I was shouting- however I never did.

This is awful but our 2 year old was there, so I kept asking him not to shout at me and said we can have a discussion and resolve issues without shouting, as it's conducive. He kept shouting that if I didn't apologise for saying he's chatting, then he'd leave (said it around 10 times and didn't leave).

As he was raising his voice our son was shouting, I said please stop shouting DS does not like it. I then picked him.up and he said 'ypure just like my ex using our son as a human shield". I genuinely wasn't, I picked him up because he was upset, whilst calmly telling my partner not to shout at me.

He kept saying he can't believe how mental I am and he's fed up of me being a miserable bitch (basically he makes me feel shit and because I know I can't talk to him without being shouted at, I withdraw). He started shouting that I'm repulisve and I could stand naked in front of him.and he wouldn't care because I repulse him. I said that was an awful thing to say and I feel like he doesn't care and he said he doesn't care about me and I'm repulsive. Anyway I basically left the room and cried. He then came to hug me before he went to work but I told him to leave me alone and repeated he didn't mean to say he's stuck here, he just meant he's here because he has to be...made me feel no better.

He then went to have his son the weekend at his dad's (was always the plan) and I went to my mum's (as planned).
He sent messages but I barely replied. To be honest I feel so upset. It's one thing saying I'm a bitch but saying he doesn't care and I'm repulsive was so personal and I'd never speak to him that way.

He's due home in an hour and I just don't know what to say.

OP posts:
Sundancerintherain · 21/11/2021 20:20

You keep starting threads about him, he is a vile user.

MintLampShade · 21/11/2021 20:21

Whatever holds you captive to this horrible man is not love. What is there to love about him, OP? He emotionally tortures you fgs, in front of your son. He (your son) will soon start to remember these arguments. Do you want him to grow up like this? Because the arguments aren't going to stop, unless you remove yourself and your son from this toxic environment. He's going to have this gem of a man for a role model, treating women like absolute dirt.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 21/11/2021 20:23

Single. That's how I would feel. Fuck that for a life. No one needs that shit from people who are supposed to love them.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 21/11/2021 20:24

Hopefully he is messaging other women and someone will take him off your hands!
He's a nasty bully , I'd not want him any where near my child

sparklefarts · 21/11/2021 20:28

Get yourself and, more importantly, your child away from this man

ottocat · 21/11/2021 20:38

Raise your standards if not for yourself then for your son and other child.
No good can come of continuing this 'relationship'. He has repeatedly shown you he doesn't love you and you can't be a family unit with a man like this.

TheWomandestroyed · 21/11/2021 20:44

He sounds like a repulsive dick, Do you know why he was divorced from his ex wife?

Monr0e · 21/11/2021 20:48

How old is your other dc? Do they live with you?
Try and think how your dc's must feel living with this abusive arsehole and how much better their life would be without living in this toxic environment. And then, please make arrangements to leave him, for their sakes.

spanishquestion · 21/11/2021 20:54

This sounds awful. Usually I think MN jumps to LTB far too quickly and I'm all for trying to keep a family together. But in this case, he sound absolutely awful and it's a toxic environment for DC

nomorefrogs · 21/11/2021 21:08

I guess the real question op is how you feel about how he treats you?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/11/2021 21:18

yes, separated parents and an alcoholic father who used to threaten to kill himself.

Every family which has come out of abuse needs a circuit breaker. A person who decides that enough is enough and there won't be another generation of scared, traumatised children who turn into another set of abused or abusive people. You can decide to be that for you and your child. Or not.

Do realise that staying or going is a choice and one you're making for your child too.

ChargingBuck · 21/11/2021 21:20

He's home and just acting as normal. He does this all the time..just 'forgets' arguements. Apparently its because he isn't like me and can forget the bad things, where as I dwell on everything due to my crazy ways. If I bring up that I'm upset he called me repulsive his response will be "I knew you'd dwell on that, you're so insecure. If I was to dwell on everything like you, I'd always be unhappy'. You need counselling

Textbook gaslighting.

You don't love him OP. He's foul to you - why would you love a foul man?

You have a trauma bond, which can feel like love, but certainly isn't.
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding#signs

I urge you to start planning how to get yourself & DC away from this vile man.

Queenie6655 · 21/11/2021 21:29

Of course you need to not go back

Also be careful with letting him have access to the chikd unsupervised

Vile vile man

Peace43 · 21/11/2021 21:31

I’d feel single and happily so!

Notonthenewrug · 21/11/2021 21:32

The worse thing is that before he came back I made an extra effort to do my hair and make up and put on a nice dress- because I didn't want him to find me repulsive!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/11/2021 21:34

@Notonthenewrug

The worse thing is that before he came back I made an extra effort to do my hair and make up and put on a nice dress- because I didn't want him to find me repulsive!
No. The worst thing was your child hearing his father abuse his mother.
youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/11/2021 21:42

No. The worst thing was your child hearing his father abuse his mother.

This. OP. You've posted a number of times about this nasty piece of work and while I sympathise with you as a victim of his, your son is also a victim of this abusive and toxic household.

Except he has no choice but to live there for as long as you do 😞

user1471442488 · 21/11/2021 21:48

Oh ffs, he’s an abusive, gaslighting piece of shit. What’s to love about him? Put your child first and leave.

AD3000 · 21/11/2021 21:56

The "family unit" you are so keen to create is abusive and deeply damaging not only to you but to your DC too. You should leave.

Tallisimo · 21/11/2021 21:59

You don’t need to put up with this, you know. It’s not a normal, happy, balanced relationship you’re describing. Why are you with him?

PieMistee · 21/11/2021 22:04

We all want to be loved to make ourselves feel happier. He does not love you nor make you happier. Life is MUCH too short.

timeisnotaline · 21/11/2021 22:04

STOP just stop! Stop making an effort for him, stop trying to be a family unit, he’s a horrible horrible person and everything you write about what he says is just him trying to make you feel terrible about yourself. Look at your child and think instead I will keep you safe from growing up with this. Look in the mirror and think i know im not repulsive, and I will be even happier when rid of this man. Let him grow old alone, he doesn’t deserve you. Leave and set up a happy home for yourself.

nomorefrogs · 21/11/2021 22:05

Did he comment on your appearance tonight? No doubt he loved pulling your strings and making you feel worried about your appearance. The last think I would have done is made an effort and dressed up for a vile man like that!

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/11/2021 22:07

You’re not a family unit. You’re a family car crash. A family fuck up.

There’s nothing to do but leave.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/11/2021 22:09

@Notonthenewrug

You say you 'want to be part of a family unit'. Well, you may be 'people living in the same house', but you are in no way a 'family unit'. A real family unit treats each other with respect and honesty. They don't gaslight each other or say things to degrade each other. They lift each other up and support each other. They don't subject their children to hearing shouting and vile words being said.

So now that you know that, what are you going to do?