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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you feel if your partner called you...

123 replies

Notonthenewrug · 21/11/2021 17:49

Repulsive?

Bit of a back story (too much to go into). I'm 34, he's 52. Got a DC 2 years and both a child from previous marriage.

Partner not been particularly helpful and supportive in the past. Continually talks over me, addicted to his phone and interupts me to pick up his phone. If I raise any issues it ALWAYS ends up with him saying I have mental health issues and need therapy. It doesn't matter what the disagreement is.

I've stopped talking to him about life in general because he's not particularly interested (can't listen and interupts). If I try and raise an issue he always shout at me.

Had an argument last week. Basically he's constantly attached to his phone (plays a lot of games) and I was fed up of him more interested in his phone than me. Same when with our toddler. Also, he made a comment about being "stuck" here. He says things like that a lot- he's stuck here and it upset me.

I then said if he's messaging other women to be honest so I can move on because whoever is on his phone is evidently more interesting than I am. He went nuts that I could ever think he would cheat (his ex cheated and he says he never would). Shouting at me I'm mental and insecure and need help. I kept asking him to stop shouting, I was very calm and did not raise my voice. He proceeded to tell me I was mental because I was shouting- however I never did.

This is awful but our 2 year old was there, so I kept asking him not to shout at me and said we can have a discussion and resolve issues without shouting, as it's conducive. He kept shouting that if I didn't apologise for saying he's chatting, then he'd leave (said it around 10 times and didn't leave).

As he was raising his voice our son was shouting, I said please stop shouting DS does not like it. I then picked him.up and he said 'ypure just like my ex using our son as a human shield". I genuinely wasn't, I picked him up because he was upset, whilst calmly telling my partner not to shout at me.

He kept saying he can't believe how mental I am and he's fed up of me being a miserable bitch (basically he makes me feel shit and because I know I can't talk to him without being shouted at, I withdraw). He started shouting that I'm repulisve and I could stand naked in front of him.and he wouldn't care because I repulse him. I said that was an awful thing to say and I feel like he doesn't care and he said he doesn't care about me and I'm repulsive. Anyway I basically left the room and cried. He then came to hug me before he went to work but I told him to leave me alone and repeated he didn't mean to say he's stuck here, he just meant he's here because he has to be...made me feel no better.

He then went to have his son the weekend at his dad's (was always the plan) and I went to my mum's (as planned).
He sent messages but I barely replied. To be honest I feel so upset. It's one thing saying I'm a bitch but saying he doesn't care and I'm repulsive was so personal and I'd never speak to him that way.

He's due home in an hour and I just don't know what to say.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 21/11/2021 18:36

It doesn’t matter that you love him. He is being verbally and emotionally abusive, not just to you but it is being witnessed by your child.

It’s your job to protect your child and ensure they do not grow up witnessing this kind of behaviour. You need to separate.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/11/2021 18:39

@Notonthenewrug

It's stupid but I love him and want to be a family unit. He's daily trying to make me feel that I'm mentally unstable!
He doesn't love you. Your family unit is broken. Sorry.
TheAverageUser · 21/11/2021 18:40

Hes emotionally abusive and you'll be taking all of this on yourself, he's making you less than you could be. Leave and be yourself for your child, honestly he sounds appalling x

AgathaX · 21/11/2021 18:40

He's abusive. You need to leave. You need to get your DC away from him.
Please try to see this for what it is. Can you tell someone about it, your mum or family, or a friend? Get yourself some support and leave.

nomorefrogs · 21/11/2021 18:41

@Notonthenewrug

What annoys me is that he seems to sometimes make things up and play into my insecurities. For instance he'll make comments that I shouldn't be jealous about him going out. However I've never said I had an issue going out and I don't get anywhere if I question him. I'll literally say, when have I stopped you going out and he always says never! I'd he says he's in the house a lot and doesn't go anywhere, I'll ask how often he wants to be away but he just backtracks and bevr gives a response. He shouts at me and calls me insecure but he doesn't ever recognise that he has mostly made me this way. For instance, implying he doesn't want to be here, saying he's leaving, I'm repulsive, he doesn't care etc...how can he not see that these statements would make me insecure.
This is gaslighting and abuse.
Obsidiansphere · 21/11/2021 18:42

Have you posted about this abusive twunt before? Some details are very familiar and the overwhelming response was to LTB…you’re worth so much more than this waste of air.

katieg03 · 21/11/2021 18:44

You might love him but it doesn't sounds like he loves or respects you does it? If your son or daughter told you someone was treating them like this what advice would you give them?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/11/2021 18:44

@Notonthenewrug

It's stupid but I love him and want to be a family unit. He's daily trying to make me feel that I'm mentally unstable!
An abusive family unit? Because that's what your child is currently growing up in. Growing up watching their dad abuse their mum and their mum stay in the relationship. They are being taught this is what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. But it doesn't. Not by a long shot.
Mynextname · 21/11/2021 18:45

It's easier said than done isn't it the just leave comments. I will say this though and hopefully it will stick and help one day when you are strong enough be that today or in another 10 or 20 or 30 years time, time soon flies. Forget his behaviour, you are disrespecting yourself by staying. Your child is learning to disrespect themselves too. The way he makes you feel, that will do emotional damage that can never be undone. This time you have spent building your family up that you don't want to waste because you want to be a unit, well you are about to lose so much more time that you will never get back. Time you will never have to build a shared life experience with someone else that respects you and makes you feel loved. The world feels like a better place when the relationships in your life are good. So when you are on your death bed one day make sure you are in a relationship where the world feels like a good enough place to hang on to. I hope you get there one day, preferably sooner rather than later. I'm sorry you're in this situation x

MaryStuart · 21/11/2021 18:47

He's due home in an hour and I just don't know what to say

Fuck off and don’t return

MerryChristmasToYou · 21/11/2021 18:48

You don't love him, you love an ideal version of him that doesn't exist.
For your sake and for your children's sakes, leave him

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/11/2021 18:49

Op, was he quite different before you got pregnant / gave birth?

This type often reel you in by pretending to be loving and caring, lots of love bombing like "ice never felt this way about anyone", want to move the relationship at breakneck speed eg moving in within months of meeting... Then once they've got you "trapped" the mask slowly slips. Because it's an act, one he can't keep up for long.

The man you fell in love with doesn't exist. This is the REAL him - an angry, spiteful, childish bully.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 21/11/2021 18:49

It's stupid but I love him and want to be a family unit. He's daily trying to make me feel that I'm mentally unstable!

You may feel like you love him but he does not love you. Whatever he says when he is not being vile. He won't stop. It will just get worse and this family unit is teaching your children that it is ok to treat you like piece of shit and that abusing people is ok. He might not be physically striking you but the type of psychological and verbal abuse you are reporting is much more damaging. Did you meet him when you were feeling vulnerable? Because it sure sounds like he picked you so he can get away with this crap. Please for your own sake, call and end to this. Better to be alone and healthy than in this situation.

Katela18 · 21/11/2021 18:55

You are being emotionally abused and gaslighted.

Any one of the things you mentioned in the post (calling you mental or unstable, threatening to leave, calling you names, refusing to listen and have a constructive conversation when you raise issues) would be enough reason to leave.

Please see you are worth so much more than this 'man'. As is your child

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/11/2021 18:55

Let me guess, abusive and/or absent father?

Leave and then have counselling.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 21/11/2021 18:59

He's absolutely awful. That would be a line in the sand for me.

Take him up on his repeated offers to leave and get shot of the horrible baby man-child. He sounds emotionally immature. Are you sure he's 52? What a shit example to set his dc.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 21/11/2021 19:01

What exactly do you love about him?

Why do you feel this is all you deserve?? I'd have binned him by now. You can't have a conversation with him! Any hint of criticism, he shouts!

You and your dc deserve much more. This is the example of a relationship you're showing them, remember.

Georgeskitchen · 21/11/2021 19:04

Having been in a similar situation with a narcissistic partner I finally cracked and threw him out. It was difficult at first with 3 young children and zero financial support from the narcissist but I was so much happier and never had any regrets about ditching him. Good luck and stay strong x

limerencelarry · 21/11/2021 19:07

Why are you even with him? How miserable.

LowlandLucky · 21/11/2021 19:09

What is there to love, he sounds vile and nasty. How do you think your Son will feel growing up with a man that ignores him would rather play games on his phone. Don't ruin your Sons life by staying with this poor excuse for a Father

Notonthenewrug · 21/11/2021 19:10

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation no, he wasn't particularly better before pregnancy! I think I literally just wanted to be loved. I mean, it wasn't the same as it is now- the name calling and calling me mental didn't happen
however in the early days I never stood up for myself and just wanted to run around after him so he wouldn't leave. He's always been a bit odd and when I was pregnant, he was no support at all.

@MrsTerryPratchett yes, separated parents and an alcoholic father who used to threaten to kill himself.

He's home and just acting as normal. He does this all the time..just 'forgets' arguements. Apparently its because he isn't like me and can forget the bad things, where as I dwell on everything due to my crazy ways. If I bring up that I'm upset he called me repulsive his response will be "I knew you'd dwell on that, you're so insecure. If I was to dwell on everything like you, I'd always be unhappy'. You need counselling

OP posts:
AnImposter · 21/11/2021 19:11

You're 34! You might still be in the first third of your life! Don't waste your best years on this, Jesus!

Mumoblue · 21/11/2021 19:11

Tell him to pack his shit as he no longer “needs” to be there.
He does not respect you. It will not get better, it will just get worse. He seems very comfortable insulting and belittling you.

You need to choose what you’re willing to accept. You might be sad for the idea of the family you wanted, but the reality is that he’s a dickhead.

Libertaire · 21/11/2021 19:11

@Notonthenewrug

It's stupid but I love him and want to be a family unit. He's daily trying to make me feel that I'm mentally unstable!
He doesn’t love you.

He doesn’t even like you.

He will never give you what you want, because he is a prick, so dump him.

nomorefrogs · 21/11/2021 19:14

Okay op so he has come home and is minimising his behaviour and gaslighting you by suggesting you are overreacting and too sensitive. What do you want?

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