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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How would you feel if your partner called you...

123 replies

Notonthenewrug · 21/11/2021 17:49

Repulsive?

Bit of a back story (too much to go into). I'm 34, he's 52. Got a DC 2 years and both a child from previous marriage.

Partner not been particularly helpful and supportive in the past. Continually talks over me, addicted to his phone and interupts me to pick up his phone. If I raise any issues it ALWAYS ends up with him saying I have mental health issues and need therapy. It doesn't matter what the disagreement is.

I've stopped talking to him about life in general because he's not particularly interested (can't listen and interupts). If I try and raise an issue he always shout at me.

Had an argument last week. Basically he's constantly attached to his phone (plays a lot of games) and I was fed up of him more interested in his phone than me. Same when with our toddler. Also, he made a comment about being "stuck" here. He says things like that a lot- he's stuck here and it upset me.

I then said if he's messaging other women to be honest so I can move on because whoever is on his phone is evidently more interesting than I am. He went nuts that I could ever think he would cheat (his ex cheated and he says he never would). Shouting at me I'm mental and insecure and need help. I kept asking him to stop shouting, I was very calm and did not raise my voice. He proceeded to tell me I was mental because I was shouting- however I never did.

This is awful but our 2 year old was there, so I kept asking him not to shout at me and said we can have a discussion and resolve issues without shouting, as it's conducive. He kept shouting that if I didn't apologise for saying he's chatting, then he'd leave (said it around 10 times and didn't leave).

As he was raising his voice our son was shouting, I said please stop shouting DS does not like it. I then picked him.up and he said 'ypure just like my ex using our son as a human shield". I genuinely wasn't, I picked him up because he was upset, whilst calmly telling my partner not to shout at me.

He kept saying he can't believe how mental I am and he's fed up of me being a miserable bitch (basically he makes me feel shit and because I know I can't talk to him without being shouted at, I withdraw). He started shouting that I'm repulisve and I could stand naked in front of him.and he wouldn't care because I repulse him. I said that was an awful thing to say and I feel like he doesn't care and he said he doesn't care about me and I'm repulsive. Anyway I basically left the room and cried. He then came to hug me before he went to work but I told him to leave me alone and repeated he didn't mean to say he's stuck here, he just meant he's here because he has to be...made me feel no better.

He then went to have his son the weekend at his dad's (was always the plan) and I went to my mum's (as planned).
He sent messages but I barely replied. To be honest I feel so upset. It's one thing saying I'm a bitch but saying he doesn't care and I'm repulsive was so personal and I'd never speak to him that way.

He's due home in an hour and I just don't know what to say.

OP posts:
pantsandpringles · 21/11/2021 19:14

You and your son deserve to be rid of him. Or would you rather stay with an abusive, gaslighting prick who scares your son and calls you repulsive?

Gazelda · 21/11/2021 19:15

Do you respect him?

Do you feel respected?

How much of your relationship have you been happy?

Funnylittlefloozie · 21/11/2021 19:16

Dear God, he's a pathetic old man who managed to reel in a young girl. He doesn't love you, my lovely, noone would ever call someone they lived repulsive. Dont waste your life and your children's lives on this nasty old bastard.

MintMatchmaker · 21/11/2021 19:17

He will destroy your self esteem and will damage your child’s view of what a relationship should look like.

You need to separate, he’s not going to change. He knows he can say what he likes to you.

MadMadMadamMim · 21/11/2021 19:17

Oh get rid of him, for God's sake. Disgusting old man who is 20 years older than you.

He's putting you down constantly because he knows you can do a lot better than him.

Tell him to fuck off permanently.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 21/11/2021 19:19

Do you think it's fair on your son to grow up in this environment OP?

That may sound harsh but I feel like you need some tough love to snap you out of seeing this as anything close to a functioning family unit.

It's a toxic, abusive environment therefore not suitable for a child. You need to make plans to break up.

He keeps saying you need therapy. So let him pay for it or go halves, but use it to figure out why you're staying with such a toxic cunt and how you can leave him. He doesn't need to know that's what you're using the sessions for.

Libelula21 · 21/11/2021 19:20

My late partner was 16 years older than me, and treated me like a queen everyday.

I thought it was because I was younger that I was the one more likely to be glued to my phone. My partner barely picked his up.

He doesn’t sound very grateful for the youth and family and love and gaiety you are bringing into his middle-aged life. 💐

LitCrit · 21/11/2021 19:20

Unless you leave now you will be a shell of yourself in 10 years time, and your child likewise.

AsymQuestion · 21/11/2021 19:21

Abusive old man, trying to make you feel like you're insane when you process emotions normally. Of course you're upset and want to resolve it. Emotional abusers/narcissists don't want to discuss things in a fair way, because they have to omit guilt. They will shut you down over and over.

There is no family unit worth being a shell of a woman for your child in years to come. People on here are very valuable and knowledgeable on here, please listen to any advice they give you.

TheWeeDonkey · 21/11/2021 19:21

You do need counselling and you need to leave him.

You know this isn't right and it isn't normal, if you can't leave for yourself consider you're both training your son what a relationship is about and do it for him.

N0tfinished · 21/11/2021 19:22

@Notonthenewrug

It's stupid but I love him and want to be a family unit. He's daily trying to make me feel that I'm mentally unstable!
It's called gaslighting. He's actively trying to make you insecure and doubt yourself. He makes you miserable, he is no good to you or your child. Get rid!!
Mistymoors · 21/11/2021 19:24

I am nearer his age and I would be gone! Why waste your youth on a miserable man like him ?

AnyFucker · 21/11/2021 19:24

It's stupid but I love him and want to be a family unit

Then there is nothing we can say. To me, this is not a “family unit” this is where your dc are learning how to either accept abuse or dole out abuse.

Stay if you want, but don’t fool yourself this is healthy for your children.

ThirdTimeIucky · 21/11/2021 19:26

Personally I found name calling to be a slippery downward slope. First he started to call me delusional. We always had a very close to the mark sense of humour. In hindsight that was on his part not mine. He'd take the piss out of things I loved, people I loved, things I loved doing, and then right it off as a joke. It spiraled. You give and inch and they take a mile. In the end he was calling me a cunt and a narcissist in front of our daughter. Was physically threatening, verbally abusive and all over an arsehole. Its emotional abuse I'm afraid, and by pretending he isn't being rude, he's gaslighting you.

Gettingthereslowly2020 · 21/11/2021 19:29

Get rid of the disgusting old man and get a sexy young man in his 30s who adores you. You deserve better than that scrote. Don't settle.

Mumoftwo1990 · 21/11/2021 19:32

@Notonthenewrug

Repulsive?

Bit of a back story (too much to go into). I'm 34, he's 52. Got a DC 2 years and both a child from previous marriage.

Partner not been particularly helpful and supportive in the past. Continually talks over me, addicted to his phone and interupts me to pick up his phone. If I raise any issues it ALWAYS ends up with him saying I have mental health issues and need therapy. It doesn't matter what the disagreement is.

I've stopped talking to him about life in general because he's not particularly interested (can't listen and interupts). If I try and raise an issue he always shout at me.

Had an argument last week. Basically he's constantly attached to his phone (plays a lot of games) and I was fed up of him more interested in his phone than me. Same when with our toddler. Also, he made a comment about being "stuck" here. He says things like that a lot- he's stuck here and it upset me.

I then said if he's messaging other women to be honest so I can move on because whoever is on his phone is evidently more interesting than I am. He went nuts that I could ever think he would cheat (his ex cheated and he says he never would). Shouting at me I'm mental and insecure and need help. I kept asking him to stop shouting, I was very calm and did not raise my voice. He proceeded to tell me I was mental because I was shouting- however I never did.

This is awful but our 2 year old was there, so I kept asking him not to shout at me and said we can have a discussion and resolve issues without shouting, as it's conducive. He kept shouting that if I didn't apologise for saying he's chatting, then he'd leave (said it around 10 times and didn't leave).

As he was raising his voice our son was shouting, I said please stop shouting DS does not like it. I then picked him.up and he said 'ypure just like my ex using our son as a human shield". I genuinely wasn't, I picked him up because he was upset, whilst calmly telling my partner not to shout at me.

He kept saying he can't believe how mental I am and he's fed up of me being a miserable bitch (basically he makes me feel shit and because I know I can't talk to him without being shouted at, I withdraw). He started shouting that I'm repulisve and I could stand naked in front of him.and he wouldn't care because I repulse him. I said that was an awful thing to say and I feel like he doesn't care and he said he doesn't care about me and I'm repulsive. Anyway I basically left the room and cried. He then came to hug me before he went to work but I told him to leave me alone and repeated he didn't mean to say he's stuck here, he just meant he's here because he has to be...made me feel no better.

He then went to have his son the weekend at his dad's (was always the plan) and I went to my mum's (as planned).
He sent messages but I barely replied. To be honest I feel so upset. It's one thing saying I'm a bitch but saying he doesn't care and I'm repulsive was so personal and I'd never speak to him that way.

He's due home in an hour and I just don't know what to say.

It's easy for me to say but see what your options are for separating because my mum and dad went through virtually identical as to what you've said except the roles were reversed. She did he to hurt him and break him down basically, I heard all the arguments. They were together on and off for 10 years and it was awful. I refuse to shout if my DP and I disagree on something as it really triggers me, I shut down.

Consider what's best for you and your children at the end of the day, it took me a long time to learn what a healthy relationship looks like and I'm still learning now 10 years on in our relationship.

Kanfuzed123 · 21/11/2021 19:40

And he’s 52?! Christ he sounds immature!

Are there good points to this relationship OP?

I know you say you love him and just want to be loved, but I just wanted to point out that not all ‘love’ is good love and this sounds like this may well be the case here!

All of the names he’s calling you are unacceptable and abysmal. You are not repulsive or a bitch or ‘mental’. Calling women mental is a classic misogynist way of silencing women.

GroovesintheHeart · 21/11/2021 19:51

Life is too short & he won’t change.

Please leave him. If not for you, for your child.

MondayYogurt · 21/11/2021 19:58

Read Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That. It will show you the patterns of abusive control.

Your son deserves to live in a house without witnessing his mother being verbally abused.

Regularsizedrudy · 21/11/2021 20:01

Why the fuck are you with this horrible old man?

girafferafferaffe · 21/11/2021 20:04

How old were you when you got together? How did you meet?

nachocheese · 21/11/2021 20:15

How you can love someone who shows nothing but contempt for you is beyond me. He will never give you the stable family unit you are looking for. He will just continue to abuse and gaslight you until you don't even recognise yourself any more. And all the while your child is learning that this is what to expect from a relationship when they are older.

If a friend of yours came to you saying this is how their husband treats them, what advice would you give?! Are you not worth more than this? (Spoiler - yes you are.)

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 21/11/2021 20:19

He is abusive. Dont choose to raise a child in a home with an abuser. It will damage the child.

cakecakecheese · 21/11/2021 20:19

Leave. He will only continue to erode your self steem. This is not a healthy environment for a child. They notice and it affects them.

Vbree · 21/11/2021 20:20

Please leave this horrible abusive man. You can't bring up your children around this man.