Don’t want exes new gf to meet my kids

[Away77]

Ex husband and I were together for 15 years, divorced for 3 now. He’s been dating a much younger woman for probably 8-9 months. We’re mid 40s, not exactly sure how old she is as he won’t say but I’m guessing around mid 20s. He hasn’t brought it up yet but I’m sure he will soon. I don’t want her to meet my kids. He’s mentioned that it’s not a fling but I just don’t think it will work and I don’t want them getting attached to her and then being upset when it ends. Am I being unfair? Thinking too far ahead?

OP - at least he is being somewhat se sensible and not introduced her right away. My Ex did - within 2 months of dating.

Regardless how you feel about it though - you don’t have any power to not allow it. He is a parent, just like you and doesn’t need your approval.

Just because his bits helped create the children, doesn't mean he knows what's best for them!

Unnecessarly derogatory, and you do know that mothers don't have the monopoly on knowing what's best for their children don't you?

I wouldn't be allowing it either

You don't get the choice. He is their father. Their parent, just as much as their mother is. He gets an equal say in how they are brought up. He can make decisions without asking their mother's opinion (and vice versa of course).

Although the Op has suggested he was abusive (which is of course a whole other issue, but not the one being considered here), there is nothing about his new relationship that suggests he's not being sensible. They appear to be serious, but not rushing meeting the children. Her age shouldn't be relevant.

It might be hard, and hurtful, but we don't get to choose who our ex dates or when the children meet them.

@Almostmenopausal how would you propose to stop him him introducing her?

I wouldn't be allowing it either.

Good grief. & how do you imagine your big talk would play out in real life @Almostmenopausal?

Would you have enough money put aside to fight a parental alienation case against you?
Enjoy having police at your door because you are refusing to let the children get picked up by their dad?
Social Services intervention & mandatory Court appearances for obstructing your children's rights to see their dad?

Fucksake.

Also, OP has mentioned that he was abusive & a narcissist but of course the virtue signallers have quietly ignored that

Wrong again. OP isn't bothered about that. She's allowed contact ever since they split. It's only now the new g/f is on the scene that she's jealous objecting.

@Almostmenopausal you wouldn't get a choice as to whether or not they were introduced. When parents split, you can't decide who they introduce and see in their spare time. The father has as much right as the mother.

I don't understand the nastiness at all tbh.

It's hard to have an ex's new partner around your kids. Doesn't matter what the new partner is, like what age they are, how over the relationship you are, it's tough. Really tough.

In my experience I was 100% over my ex but it was the new "mother figure" in my DDs life I really struggled with. I'd have struggled no matter who she was tbh.

But in answer to your question, you can't stop it. And not only that, you need to suck it up and put a brave face on it for your DC and hide your hurt, jealousy etc.

So while I completely understand your feelings and wanted to let you know as far as I'm concerned, it's a natural reaction, you don't have much choice in it

@ChargingBuck
Of course I have. Even though he’s terrible with me, he’s still a good dad.

@sandy354
So much nastiness and assumptions!

Thank you all, I’ve realised I just need to let it go. I think someone mentioned looking at it as an extra person loving the girls and I think that’s the best way to look at it.

When my husband and I split up he introduced a new girlfriend and her children to our daughter within about 6 weeks. I couldn’t stop this but I did ask him if he honestly thought it was in our child’s best interests (it wasn’t, she should’ve been spending quality time with her father and processing the breakup, not being expected to play happy families). They broke up not long after and he’s living with a new partner and her children now. Not ideal, but we obviously have different ideas of what’s best for our child, and I can live with it.

As others have pointed out, they’ve been together a while and must’ve been quite decent about it if she’s not met the children yet. It’s perhaps bringing up unresolved feelings for you, I think that’s entirely natural. It might be painful at first but you’ll get over it (meant in the nicest of ways).

Thank you all, I’ve realised I just need to let it go. I think someone mentioned looking at it as an extra person loving the girls and I think that’s the best way to look at it.

I’d feel how you do OP, but I’m glad you’ve managed to feel a bit better about it as unfortunately it’s out of your control. I think your girls will be ok, it sounds like they’ve got a lovely mum to look out for them.

@ChargingBuck

I wouldn't be allowing it either.

Good grief. & how do you imagine your big talk would play out in real life @Almostmenopausal?

Would you have enough money put aside to fight a parental alienation case against you?
Enjoy having police at your door because you are refusing to let the children get picked up by their dad?
Social Services intervention & mandatory Court appearances for obstructing your children's rights to see their dad?

Fucksake.

As I've already said it's not a situation I'm in and will ever be in so your comments about me being prosecuted are null & void!

@ChargingBuck My DC won't ever have a step mum which is something to be thankful for in my opinion. Why are you so angry? I'm entitled to share my opinion respectfully, as are you. Why get so wound up that somebody else has a differing opinion to you?!

It isn't easy but you don't know her and you are judging her based on a few general details you know. But I completely understand that having another woman in your Children's lives isn't easy. However it does become the norm. I'm a step mom and my partners ex was a nightmare which is sad really because I have all the best intentions for her children and being a mom myself I know the boundaries.

Don't be that difficult ex, the kids will pick up on it, it leads to them having divided loyalties, which could potentially screw their relationships with all concerned. Let it happen, if she oversteps the mark. Talk to your ex about it.

One day you might be in a similar position also and you want the transition to be as smooth as possible.

My ex introduced our dc to his girlfriend of I'd imagine 3ish months. A couple of weeks later, they tried to play happy families with her dc too. I wasn't told or informed, I worked it out when my ds was refusing to go to his dads. This then became my problem

So the knock on effects can be far reaching.
Op, ask to meet her first.

It's such a tricky emotion to deal with this because up until now, you've no doubt been able to govern who is in your DC lives and now your ex will be able to make that decision without your input and vice versa and it's quite hard to swallow when all your parental instincts are screaming at you to vet the new person.

The bottom line is, factually, you don't have a say in it. You can try and make nice and be all friends together (been there, it didn't work, ex new wife hated both me and moreso DD and tried to alienate ex from DD - they're divorced now). ex and now DH are on good terms but I think men can more easily do this stuff, for women, you are sending off the fruit of your loins to be either loved or resented by another mother figure and it's a scary thought. You want them to be nice enough that your children are ok but not so nice that you feel pushed out of their affections. Honesty about your feelings is fine here. Divorce and co-parenting are bloody hard.

I absolutely get where you’re coming from op. Only those who’ve been through a marriage break up will understand your feelings. I felt the same, and whilst I knew i had to let it go, and trust him to deal with the introductions in a sensitive way, it still eats you up. I think probably because we mums are very territorial when it comes to our DCs. We don’t want another woman, who we don’t know, helping make decisions about the children when they’re away from us. It’s about our lack of control, and our inability to protect them from the unknown. Hopefully when the time comes, if it comes, you will be more prepared mentally having had time to get used to the idea.

And be aware op that some of the comments on here are possibly coming from the girl friends or second wife’s who’ve come through it at the other side of the coin to you, so will obviously be projecting that through their posts.

[quote Almostmenopausal]@ChargingBuck My DC won't ever have a step mum which is something to be thankful for in my opinion. Why are you so angry? I'm entitled to share my opinion respectfully, as are you. Why get so wound up that somebody else has a differing opinion to you?! [/quote]
But the OPS children are in this position.

So you assertion that you wouldn't allow it isn't running helpful, doesn't make sense and is untrue.

For people in the ops position with children in that position there is no way you can stop it.

It’s very condescending of you to judge her on her age when you know nothing about her. It’s also for your ex to make the decision about timings.

From what you’ve said, you should be relieved rather than sad, if he was that much of a narcissist. The best thing you can do is be welcoming to her. Harmony is what will keep your children happy and prevent them from stepping on eggshells around their contact with their dad and his partner, and feeling like they have to be careful what they tell you. Don’t make an issue, you children will thank you for it when they’re older.

@30whatacrock

‘From what you’ve said…’
If you’ve read what I said you’ll know that I’ve already come to a solution, but thanks

Op, your feelings are natural and those who are not understanding don't have empathy.

However there is little you can or should do to stop contact with new gf. In some ways it might help as currently your ex is in a bubble and having 2 children will bring the reality home to their relationship.

I think the age difference is worrying, for her, if she is 20 years younger as there will be a power imbalance. She might not have the experience to be aware of this and just sees maturity of an older man compared to men her age. If I was her mum I would be advising her it isn't a good idea and warn of the pitfalls of a relationship with an older man who already has children. I suspect in time you'll feel sorry for her.

Let them crack on...hopefully she will see sense at some stage. Your children will cope if Dad has multiple girlfriends as long as you provide the stability. They will wake up to who he is and you can't protect them from that reality.

I was once the new partner in this scenario and eventually had a great relationship with the child and her mother.

[quote Almostmenopausal]**@Away77 I'm obviously in the minority here but I fully agree with you, OP. I wouldn't be allowing it either. If he can date somebody young enough to be his child then he's clearly not thinking straight/sensibly so no, I wouldn't be trusting his judgement. Just because his bits helped create the children, doesn't mean he knows what's best for them! None of us know him - Only OP does. There's obviously something causing the doubt in OP's mind that is niggling and as their mother, this should be respected. Also, OP has mentioned that he was abusive & a narcissist but of course the virtue signallers have quietly ignored that.....

Thankfully I'll never be in this position with my DC. However if I was, I'd fully agree with OP's position on this. It always shocks me how some mothers are expected to blindly trust some woman their ex chose to be in their lives - even if that man was abusive! And yes, of course same applies both ways..... [/quote]
@Almostmenopausal you're forgetting that the children are not possessions that @Away77 owns. The children are just as much his as they are hers and she's the one who freely chose to have kids with him. Whether it's wrong or right that he introduces them to the girlfriend is irrelevant because it's not her decision to make. I bet she's not going to be asking her ex when she can introduce a boyfriend into their children's lives if she starts dating again in the future!

Divorce is understandably painful for the OP and she sounds jealous that he's with a much younger woman. Most women certainly wouldn't like a new woman in their children's lives but if you choose to divorce you've got to face the consequences that come with destroying your original family unit. It's horribly unfair of her to use the kids in this way.

She has to act like an adult and not start this drama because at the end of the day it only damages the children themselves because they'll be able to sense the stirring up of animosity she will create with their dad (and this woman).

Children will feel horrible because they will get entangled into an adult's emotions (hers) and start to feel responsible for it. They have no control over who their dad dates and despite his apparent bad behaviour, will naturally love their dad and want to spend time with him without worrying how to manage the bad atmosphere their mum is creating for them. The divorce isn't their fault and the poor kids have suffered enough.

[quote Away77]@MorningNinja
Yes I suppose her age is part of the problem for me. She’s still very young with not a lot of life experience[/quote]
Which also means she will not be bringing in any preconceived ideas of parenting that she may try to impose on your children; and presumably (or you may have mentioned it) has no children of her own to add the difficulties of blended families to the mix. So perhaps not a bad thing?

@Away77

Some women here are quite harsh and nasty. You can give your opinions without being rude.

I guess I’m also hurting a little still. It’s hard to see him happily move on after leaving me in an absolute state mentally/emotionally through years of narcissistic abuse.

Im guessing mid 20s because she could pass for anything from 20-25.

You shouldn’t use your children as pawns because you’re bitter. It’s really unfair