Don’t want exes new gf to meet my kids

[Away77]

Ex husband and I were together for 15 years, divorced for 3 now. He’s been dating a much younger woman for probably 8-9 months. We’re mid 40s, not exactly sure how old she is as he won’t say but I’m guessing around mid 20s. He hasn’t brought it up yet but I’m sure he will soon. I don’t want her to meet my kids. He’s mentioned that it’s not a fling but I just don’t think it will work and I don’t want them getting attached to her and then being upset when it ends. Am I being unfair? Thinking too far ahead?

Unfortunately this is not your decision to make.

You've been divorced for 3 years now and he has been in this relationship for 9 months without her meeting your kids so it could be much worse than this situation.

You're also judging this woman without even meeting her or knowing anything of her but her age. She might be a great addition to your kids lives.

It’s the second woman in a few years. And she’s young. The chances of it lasting are slim and I can understand OPs concerns for her children. They’ve seen their dad with 3 women over the last few years if we include their mum. It’s grim.

2 relationships in a few years after divorce isn't 'grim'?

I'm not sure why anyone would think it is

YABU

2 relationships in a few years after divorce isn't 'grim'?

Of course not. But the kids seeing their dad with different women, is. It’s unnecessary. He can shag s different woman every day he’s not with his kids if he wants. The kids don’t need to be introduced until it’s a very stable relationship. 9 months is no time at all.

@GodIsAVegan

2 relationships in a few years after divorce isn't 'grim'?

Of course not. But the kids seeing their dad with different women, is. It’s unnecessary. He can shag s different woman every day he’s not with his kids if he wants. The kids don’t need to be introduced until it’s a very stable relationship. 9 months is no time at all.

I think if the relationship is serious then 9 months can't really be described as 'no time at all'.

I mean some people aren't particularly serious 18 months into a relationship, so it's not really just about the numbers.

WorraLiberty

But he introduced the last woman too, it’s so unsettling for the kids. They just want dad to be dad. If he had the kids 100% of the time I could understand it more but theres just no need to rush into the kids and woman being part of each other’s lives when he has time without his kids to spend on his relationships with women.

I hear my friends talk about this happening in their childhoods and how they felt. I’ve talked to my niece when she’s cried about dad having another new girlfriend and all the emotions that brings. Kids do often struggle with it and parents need to think of their kids instead of themselves.... for 50/50 custody, often less, is that really does hard?

*so hard?

You can’t police this
And you wouldn’t like it if he did it to you either I suspect ?

I'm not sure why you need "life experience" to hang out with someone's kids from time to time. What is it you think she'll lack that she absolutely must have in order to meet your kids?

Loads of women have children themselves in their twenties, I did. I am and was a perfectly good mother despite my (according to you) lack of "life experience" in my mid twenties.

That's not to say she'll be a mother to your children but I'm really not getting the correlation between her being around children and requiring a certain amount of "life experience" to do so.

I think you might be overthinking it a little @GodIsAVegan, based on some of your friends and your niece.

I would agree if this parent had a different girlfriend every weekend, but that doesn't appear to be the case.

[quote Away77]**@neededafart* @Darkpheonix*
Actually, I’ve spoken to his sister who mentioned she was shocked because she’s very young (old enough to be his daughter young). But wouldn’t say how old. I didn’t pull the number out of thin air.[/quote]
I'd avoid getting to embroiled in conversations of this nature with his Sister. She sounds a bit of a stirrer.

She'll probably be saying this to you, but behind your back telling your ex that you're a crazy, jealous ex and he's best of without you.

People like this thrive on keeping a foot in each camp.

*too

I met my DSD after 6 months, we knew pretty quickly that it was the real deal. Her Mum couldn’t have been nicer or more supportive about it, she’s since remarried too and four years on we all co-parent brilliantly the majority of the time and my DSD thrives with so many people to love. Put your bitterness aside, it’s far better for your DC.

Also, you say she’s mid twenties with no life experience. At 25 I had two degrees which I got while working three jobs at a time, had travelled independently to 18 different countries (had never been abroad prior to my 18th birthday), was established in a professional career and owned a property which I bought independently. Some people at 50 have never worked or studied or left their own postcode. We should never equate age with experience.

I think you might be overthinking it a little @GodIsAVegan, based on some of your friends and your niece.

And I think most people don’t think enough about what’s best for their children.

I guess I’m also hurting a little still. It’s hard to see him happily move on after leaving me in an absolute state mentally/emotionally through years of narcissistic abuse.

So it's really not about her age or her 'life experience'. It's about the pain he put you through. It's about the fact that he happily skipped down the lane and left you with mental and emotional scars that you were and still are having to deal with.

Listen, I don't blame you for feeling anger and resentment. But it's not the fault of this young woman who is now enmeshing her life with this narcissistic jerk. Narc men are infamous for being able to lie and manipulate their victims. TBH I'd feel nothing but pity for her.

There isn't anything you can do to stop him introducing the children to her. Just play it cool and keep open ears to your children's remarks as far as what their father says to them about their relationship with her (ie 'new or step mum', 'doesn't she do YY better than your mum' etc). Tackle that if it happens, otherwise leave it be as long as she treats your children nicely and doesn't overstep.

And when/if the relationship ends, you comfort your children as you would if they had a friend move away: "I know you liked XXX, but sometimes people move away and we don't see them anymore. It's sad, but there are always new friends out there to be found".

Some people introduce their partners really early.

My DBs ex introduced her new bf and moved him in the day my DB moved out - she was having an affair.

In the last 5 years she’s introduced my niece to at least 12 men.
I’m sure she thinks each one is going to last forever but I think it’s very irresponsible.

Unfortunately there is literally nothing you can do.

The age whilst is your issue, understandably, isn't an issue. They have been together for 8 months, he sees it as a committed relationship even if you don't. If there are no safety risks then you don't get to dictate who he introduces them to- that's his choice as a parent and as much as it sucks you need to respect that, the same as he has to respect your decisions when the children are in your care.

You need to make peace with the fact that you have zero say in this at all. It's not up to you if he introduces her to his children.

Also, just wanted to add something for those (new young girlfriends) who believe that introducing a girlfriend to kids after 9 months necessarily means it's serious in the man's mind: sorry, but men are also motivated by the possibility of seeing the person they sleep with the same weekend they look after their kids - killing two birds with one stone, so to speak.

[quote Away77]@MorningNinja
Yes I suppose her age is part of the problem for me. She’s still very young with not a lot of life experience[/quote]
To be fair to her you have absolutely no way of knowing what her life experiences have been, you're not even sure exactly how old she is. It's really none of your business but I appreciate it must be difficult.

@whatagloriousthingtobe

I was only 23 when I met my partners daughter. No experience of kids what so ever but that didn't stop me being a good person to his daughter. His ex was absolutely vile towards me and it really rubbed off on his daughter. 8 years later we're still together with our own ds and a great relationship with sd. Don't be that ex. I understand the fear of being replaced but she will never ever replace you and I'm sure she wouldn't want too anyway, you're her one and only mom.

Don't be that ex.

This line really stood out to me.

If you are separated or divorced men move on quite quickly. One of the reasons I would advise people to think twice and work on the marriage if it is worth it. However, you mentioned he left you and is abusive so thank god you are separated. I would be feeling sorry for that young gf in your shoes if that is the case. Try to move on and enjoy the freedom. Seek therapy if necessary. You are having a great chance for a fresh start and should not care about your ex anymore.

I’m a new partner (well I was once). You have to trust your ex’es judgement and hope all will be well.

You may need to do some biting your tongue with the kids who, depending on their age, may be a bit full of their dad’s new young hip fun (whatever) girlfriend. As a previous poster recommended - bite your tongue then later apply wine and vent with your friends! Good luck - there may be an age gap but hopefully she will be kind and considerate.

I think you have to consider who's feelings you are trying to protect here. I've never been in your situation so I'm not going to call you selfish and all the rest of it because I honestly think if I was in your situation I'd be terribly hurt and find it really difficult.

9months seems well established to me , I would much rather my children feel comfortable with the new partner before their relationship starts taking the next steps (moving in etc)

It's important to remember that the new partner will never be you but an extra person loving your children is never a bad thing , you have to trust his judgement and after waiting 9 months I don't think he's taking it lightly.

Your attitude towards this is just as important when it comes to how the children deal with this, my parents where always incredibly bitter and nasty about each other's new partners and it definitely affected myself and my siblings.

@Away77 I'm obviously in the minority here but I fully agree with you, OP. I wouldn't be allowing it either. If he can date somebody young enough to be his child then he's clearly not thinking straight/sensibly so no, I wouldn't be trusting his judgement. Just because his bits helped create the children, doesn't mean he knows what's best for them! None of us know him - Only OP does. There's obviously something causing the doubt in OP's mind that is niggling and as their mother, this should be respected. Also, OP has mentioned that he was abusive & a narcissist but of course the virtue signallers have quietly ignored that.....

Thankfully I'll never be in this position with my DC. However if I was, I'd fully agree with OP's position on this. It always shocks me how some mothers are expected to blindly trust some woman their ex chose to be in their lives - even if that man was abusive! And yes, of course same applies both ways.....