Don’t want exes new gf to meet my kids

[Away77]

Ex husband and I were together for 15 years, divorced for 3 now. He’s been dating a much younger woman for probably 8-9 months. We’re mid 40s, not exactly sure how old she is as he won’t say but I’m guessing around mid 20s. He hasn’t brought it up yet but I’m sure he will soon. I don’t want her to meet my kids. He’s mentioned that it’s not a fling but I just don’t think it will work and I don’t want them getting attached to her and then being upset when it ends. Am I being unfair? Thinking too far ahead?

[quote Away77]@MorningNinja
Yes I suppose her age is part of the problem for me. She’s still very young with not a lot of life experience[/quote]
That’s frightfully patronizing and condescending.

Also, it doesn’t sound like she’s that much younger than you were when you got together with your ex.

It’s clear that you’re very jealous and likely hurting, but he’s done nothing wrong here. 9 months is especially early to think about how to introduce his girlfriend to his children.

My ex had a partner with a similar age gap, she was so lovely and a real friend to my children, she did lots for them and they lived her very much

She did split from my ex in the end and it was tough, but it was nothing to do with the age difference and everything to do with my ex’s behaviour

You can’t forbid it, you just have to go with the flow

Some women here are quite harsh and nasty. You can give your opinions without being rude.

I guess I’m also hurting a little still. It’s hard to see him happily move on after leaving me in an absolute state mentally/emotionally through years of narcissistic abuse.

Im guessing mid 20s because she could pass for anything from 20-25.

After 8/9 months I would let them get on with it. I’d want a heads up just so I could prepare for a conversation with the kids about how they were feeling about it. That’s it.

I’d still be hurt on the inside but it is what it is.

Yes you're being unfair. A lot of young women are au pairs, mums themselves (my mum had 3 under 3 by that age), teachers, nursery nurses etc. I was very good with kids and enjoyed being with them since being young.

They've been together a fair while now, so don't see the problem. I appreciate my ex's new gf because she actually helps parent them when the kids are with him. It means they have a clean home, clean clothes, some food other than takeaways (ex will not cook so before she came in the scene they had takeaways or cereal or pot noodles).

It's not your decision to make and I would imagine you'd be rightfully annoyed if your ex tried to say you couldn't introduce a new partner to your children based on the fact it's only 9 months and he thinks badly of your new partner's age.

So it’s nothing to do with the children it’s about him and your feelings.
Have you ever had any counselling to recover from the abusive relationship?

[quote Away77]@MorningNinja
Yes I suppose her age is part of the problem for me. She’s still very young with not a lot of life experience[/quote]
What’s that got to do with it? How old were you when you had your children?

I find people are always a bit harsh on these type of threads.
It is gut wrenching and horrible when your kids meet the ow/new partner for the first time. It brings up all sorts of difficult emotions and plays on any insecurities you may have. I presume this is the first new partner they have met?
In the kindest way there is nothing you can do, other than remain a constant for your kids, be neutral (or positive, if you can manage it) about her. And be kind to yourself. It's a hard first step to get over.
I think it would be reasonable to request your ex let you know the first time they meet and whether she is introduced as a friend or girlfriend, so that you can be prepared for any questions that may come.

I’m sorry op. You need to do what’s best for your kids.

It’s ok to be jealous and bitter, but it’s not your decision who or when he introduces to both your children and it’s not your place to decide if it will work out or not. You don’t get to judge.

I think if after three years you’re still struggling so much maybe it’s time for therapy, but deciding his relationship won’t work and who he is and isn’t allowed to introduce to his own children isn’t ok,💐

I don’t want her to meet my kids.

But your ex wants her to meet his kids, so you need to get past this feeling.

I can understand your reluctance, but it's not up to you.
If you met someone you really liked, & eventually anted to introduce them to your DC, how would you feel if your ex tried to forbid you?

It is gut wrenching and horrible when your kids meet the ow/new partner for the first time.

The ‘ow/new partner’ in this sentence is telling. It’s been 3 years since the OP and her ex divorced (so they must have split up even further in the past). He’s been with his girlfriend for 9 months. It’s not even relevant to bring up the idea of an OW. She’s simply his now quite well established girlfriend.

Tbh, I think some first wives do operate as if they’re always the primary woman in a man’s life so any new partner is an ‘other woman’. Even when it’s been a decade since they split it whatever. This is especially the case where there are children from the first marriage.

life experience - _- she could have more experience than you in certain ways. she is an adult not a child and i think under 21 i could understand you feeling abit odd but mid 20s is perfectly reasonable and wtf does life experience have to do with it??

@Away77

Ex husband and I were together for 15 years, divorced for 3 now. He’s been dating a much younger woman for probably 8-9 months. We’re mid 40s, not exactly sure how old she is as he won’t say but I’m guessing around mid 20s. He hasn’t brought it up yet but I’m sure he will soon. I don’t want her to meet my kids. He’s mentioned that it’s not a fling but I just don’t think it will work and I don’t want them getting attached to her and then being upset when it ends. Am I being unfair? Thinking too far ahead?

Are you being unfair? Reverse the roles then ask yourself that. What would happen if he told you he didn't want his kids to meet your new bf of 8-9 month? You'd tell him to piss off and mind his own business right? Yeah, that's what I thought..

life experience - _- she could have more experience than you in certain ways.

She clearly hasn't had enough life experience to recognise a narcissistic abuser.

Which is v likely part of the reason he's going younger for a psrtner.

Poor girl.

Op, you can't stop it unless she does something illegal/inappropriate etc.

Just explain to your kids as best you can that gfs and bfs sometimes last, sometimes don't. As long as she I decent to them, that's the main thing.

As to him moving on .... he's not changed. This relationship will only last along as it takes for him to return to form and for her to recognise what he he like and get out (though that could take years, and she'll possibly be stuck with more kids of his by then.

@Soontobe60
35&36 when I had them.

@AMalTiempoBuenaCara
This would be the second girlfriend they’d meet.

@BeyondOurReef
Sorry, we separated 3 years ago and have only officially been divorced 1 year.

@Away77

Some women here are quite harsh and nasty. You can give your opinions without being rude.

I guess I’m also hurting a little still. It’s hard to see him happily move on after leaving me in an absolute state mentally/emotionally through years of narcissistic abuse.

Im guessing mid 20s because she could pass for anything from 20-25.

Don’t get embroiled in the life of a narcissist who abused you. Just comply with the CAO.

OP - I can understand that it’s difficult and you are hurting but just a food for thought. My ex’s ex also did not want me to meet his children, actually she banned them from having any contact with me. I left after a few years as it was impossible to move forward with that relationship, he had 50% custody of the kids and was petrified of challenging his ex.
What do you want your children to learn about relationships and life?

I don’t think there’s a anything you can do, although I agree, I wouldn’t like what he’s doing around my kids. This is the second girlfriend they’ll be introduced to, why can’t he just keep his girlfriends and his kids separate until he knows it’s going to be long term?

On the plus side, if she’s only 20 ish, it wasn’t too long ago she was their age, she might relate well to them. I think men who are old enough to be the father of the women they date are ridiculous. One of my kids friends dad did this and he’s completely embarrassed of his dad. It’s really affected how he’s sees his dad.
Be glad you’re rid of him. Give your children stability when they’re with you and accept you have no control over your ex.

Sadly it seems to be out of your hands really.I think some of these responses are harsh . It is always very difficult to see your ex with someone else .I am guessing you havent met anyone else yet .Maybe if he does broach the subject ,suggest just a short meeting first of all .If she is in her 20s then she may be more like a big Sister to them as above PP says .

I don't think meeting two partners in three years is a big deal.

As PP have said, it's understandable to be a little upset about it, but they've been together for nine months now so it's not like it's a fling or anything like that.

It's his decision who he has around his DC, just as it's your decision who they spend time with when they're with you. I doubt you'd like it if he tried to ban you from introducing the children to your friends or partners.

I think you are being both unreasonable and unrealistic.

8-9 months is not a new thing.

There's not much you can do about it. So why not save yourself the negativity and just let it be.

So if your kids are 7-10 ish and she looks like
she’s young enough to be early 20s then one advantage from your point of view is that she’s not going to get mistaken for their mother when out and about with the kids. If she’s ever on her own with them people will assume babysister/nanny and if she’s with your ex and your kids people will correctly guess that she’s dad’s younger gf.

I would be thankful he’s waited 9 months already.

Are you friendly with him?
You could make a pact to not introduce new partners until after 12months but ultimately it’s completely his choice just like it will be your choice when you meet someone.

I get that you’re hurting and I would be too but her age is irrelevant. I think I would have made an excellent step mum at that age. It’s not the age that determines whether someone will be a good person, I know 50 year olds that I’d never want my DC around.

My dds father is manipulative, not a month goes by where I dont have to deal with him somehow. Its been 4 years....the first thing is you dont have the right however its stacked. If he's not going to listen theres no legal way to stop it. Id also say that I wish my ex would meet someone. It might actually distract hin from being a total arse and provide some grounding on his side of the fence. I would hold her age against her. My friends ex has a 20 something year old gf and she's lovely with her kids. Better than their father.