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Original poster

HELP me not to mess things up with this guy!

119 replies

liska5 · 21/11/2021 08:54

After a year and a half of online dating, I've met someone a really like. With many meaningless dates where either the person looks nothing like their pix, or lies about being single and only admit a month later he's actually living with his GF, or just simple incompatibility of values/likes and dislikes/whatever, this guy is someone I really see myself with. We both have 2 kids, we are both in our early 40s, in similar careers, both very career-oriented but also family-oriented, both like similar sports... But hey, we've only been on 2 dates and chatted for a couple of weeks. We've already agreed on the third date (a dinner in a pitch black restaurant) but in a week, as he's traveling all next week and then his daughter is visiting for the weekend. So here's the thing. I need community help here to make sure I don't screw things up so early on :) I know topics here quickly go to the bottom of the page as new ones are created, but I do hope if I keep updating it, people who have commented will still see it and comment. :) So the context now - he's clearly not a texter for texting sake (I am though... I am a writer, probably that's why). Yesterday he texted me good morning, I replied, then he only texted again in the early evening to say how his day was. Then we exchanged a few messages in real time chat, setting up the next date. He ended the chat first as it was 11pm. And this morning I texted him 'good morning, handsome! Have a wonderful day today!' So far, no reply, I try not to think much of it. So I just need some support to get through today and the next few days before the next date not to mess things up please. I'd love to talk on the phone at some point this week, but if he doesn't suggest it, should I? Or is it ok if days go by with no communication at all? I worry that since the next date is so far away, we'll both just get asked on some other dates from online dating and drift away - that's the sad reality here... I don't know if he likes me enough since it's only been two dates, and with online dating, everyone has become sort of more disposable, for lack of a better word. So how do I keep a positive attitude, not become all insecure and actually believe that this may lead to a relationship? Because I so want it to happen. He does seem like an amazing guy, and I really want to give it my best shot. Thank you!!

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/11/2021 08:56

You're putting way too much pressure on this two date situation
Chill out is all I can say

Crumblinginside · 21/11/2021 08:57

Just be yourself Flowers

alienbaby · 21/11/2021 08:58

Its normal for me not to text very much between dates as it keeps some tension which I personally like

niceupthedanceagain · 21/11/2021 09:01

I'd sack off the good morning and good night messages for a start if you've only been on 2 dates.

TopCatsTopHat · 21/11/2021 09:01

Just mirror his communication level, and test it like tennis, balls currently in his court. Anything else will just come across as needy. If he's going to drift off as easily as a leaf in a stream you can't keep him on the hook with a carefully curated collection of messages. If he's a keen a you are a week is nothing.

TopCatsTopHat · 21/11/2021 09:03

Test =treat

NewtoHolland · 21/11/2021 09:04

Be yourself, try try not to analyse it too much. I would be aware Sometimes not to be the one not to start the morning texts, let him chase you a little bit. Save up all the things you want to say for date 3 :)

SortingItOut · 21/11/2021 09:05

You carry on building the best life for you, and put him to the back of your mind until your next date.

Why are you feeling insecure?
A man should enhance your life and not be your life, you should not rely on a man to make yourself feel better.

You are enough and if things don't work out you are still enough

Yummypumpkin · 21/11/2021 09:13

Read up on attachment theory.

Use this time to assess his character. You do not know nearly enough to know how suitable he is.

Keep investing in yourself.

Text when you have something to say.

Remember that most relationships end at some point so this isn't your happy ending. It's an interlude in your life.

Therapy (not because there's something wrong with you, but asxaxwaybto understand how your unconscious beliefs drive your behaviour....help with which seems to be a theme of your post).

Lifewith · 21/11/2021 11:35

Turn it around in your head and think what can he do not to mess it up with you.
Its really hard when it's new and you don't really know each other, will take time.
Mirror back what he does. If he's keen, he'll keep in touch.

Beebyonthewold · 21/11/2021 16:56

I’m in a similar situation OP! He is also not much of a texter and I’m finding myself overanalysing every exchange. When I see him it’s great, but I’m wondering if a lovely date at the weekend is worth the subsequent week of anxiety and overthinking Grin It’s difficult isn’t it? I will be watching with interest!

ChargingBuck · 21/11/2021 17:08

Or is it ok if days go by with no communication at all?

YES.

And in the kindest sense - chill the fuck out!

At this stage, there isn't much you can do or not do to keep his interest - this is going somewhere for him, or it isn't, & keeping tabs on texting protocols isn't going to help move the relationship forward.

Some people just don't text much, or find it irritating, or are busy, or prefer to keep a little mystery & distance in the early stages.

Preserve your own mystery & distance.
Don't be too available. It's not very attractive, from either sex.
Keep busy doing what you usually do.
Don't text him chirpy "good mornings" when this appears not to be his style.

If you want to have a phone call, text & suggest one.
But be sparing with it.
It's also about you not over-investing, & creating a fantasy 'relationship' based on text messages. Much better to take it slowly, & observe how he treats you in person, how keen he is to set the next date, how warmly he reacts to you.

Keep it real, & lay off the messaging for a bit.
If he wants you, he'll let you know.
That may sound brutal, but it's a fact.
Good luck & I hope he is as keen as you are :)

Rosiiiiie · 21/11/2021 17:12

Oooh how exciting! I love the beginning of relationships! I would echo someone else who said that maybe the good morning/goodnight texts are a bit too much. Not my personal style (but then again, could be his!).

What do you think his love language is? Maybe you could ask him next time you see him?

Original poster
liska5 · 21/11/2021 18:37

@Rosiiiiie

Oooh how exciting! I love the beginning of relationships! I would echo someone else who said that maybe the good morning/goodnight texts are a bit too much. Not my personal style (but then again, could be his!).

What do you think his love language is? Maybe you could ask him next time you see him?

Great idea, I’ll ask him if the third date actually happens :) So an update for today - he sent me a couple of pictures of beautiful nature where he was, then we exchanged a couple of lighthearted jokes. That was it. I’m not going to send another message to him or a good night text, and will try to chill 😂
OP posts:
Original poster
liska5 · 21/11/2021 18:39

@ChargingBuck

Or is it ok if days go by with no communication at all?

YES.

And in the kindest sense - chill the fuck out!

At this stage, there isn't much you can do or not do to keep his interest - this is going somewhere for him, or it isn't, & keeping tabs on texting protocols isn't going to help move the relationship forward.

Some people just don't text much, or find it irritating, or are busy, or prefer to keep a little mystery & distance in the early stages.

Preserve your own mystery & distance.
Don't be too available. It's not very attractive, from either sex.
Keep busy doing what you usually do.
Don't text him chirpy "good mornings" when this appears not to be his style.

If you want to have a phone call, text & suggest one.
But be sparing with it.
It's also about you not over-investing, & creating a fantasy 'relationship' based on text messages. Much better to take it slowly, & observe how he treats you in person, how keen he is to set the next date, how warmly he reacts to you.

Keep it real, & lay off the messaging for a bit.
If he wants you, he'll let you know.
That may sound brutal, but it's a fact.
Good luck & I hope he is as keen as you are :)

Indeed - will try to be mysterious haha. I really do hope it will work out! And will try to mirror him in our interactions.

One thing I wonder about: I’d love to talk to him about what’s important to him but wouldn’t that be one-sided? How do I share about myself and also talk about stuff that he likes?

OP posts:
sammylady37 · 21/11/2021 18:39

What do you think his love language is? Maybe you could ask him next time you see him?

Omg don’t do this on a third date! I’d run a mile if someone asked me that so early on.

ChargingBuck · 21/11/2021 18:40

hey OP, wasn't it waaaaay nicer for you to receive a couple of unsolicited texts, than waiting & worrying about text volume? Grea that he was thinking about you while he was out on his nature walk.

Don't ask him what "his love language is" though.
If somebody asked me that, especially on just the 3rd date, I'd think they were a colossal tosser. It's just so ... artificial & cringeworthy!

HollowTalk · 21/11/2021 18:41

Agree - please don't ask him what his love language is!

Original poster
liska5 · 21/11/2021 18:53

Indeed - yeah, way too early to ask about his love language! Won’t do that.

Let’s see when he gets in touch next. Waiting a whole week for date 3 though is loooong…

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 21/11/2021 19:20

How do I share about myself and also talk about stuff that he likes?

How do you talk to your mates? Do that.

Imagining you need some special kind of tactic to use just because he's a man you are dating is ... horribly close to putting this guy on a pedestal.

As is viewing the week between now & your 3rd date as "looooong".
Brace up OP! - you are not a teenager. Fill your week up with all the business & work & enjoyment you usually have, & look on this date as a nice-to-have extra.

Sorry to nag, but you are in danger of seriously over-investing your emotions in some random dude you've actually only met twice. This should be at the "pleasant dalliance" stage. A few butterflies are nice, but ...

Rosiiiiie · 21/11/2021 19:23

I don’t think it’s too early for a love language question? It’s just general chat over a glass of wine. Depends how you approach it I guess. It personally wouldn’t scare me off 😊

WakeuptoCake · 21/11/2021 19:25

Keep busy si when you meet he doesn’t think you’ve done nothing all week ( everyone likes someone with friends and interests) plus you’ll have more to chat about.
Don’t chase with texts etc and play it cool. When you’re busy you won’t be thinking about texting him every five minutes either! Just like you wonder and think about him intensely when you text and he doesn’t rely for ages, the same will likely be happening for him

WakeuptoCake · 21/11/2021 19:26

@Rosiiiiie

I don’t think it’s too early for a love language question? It’s just general chat over a glass of wine. Depends how you approach it I guess. It personally wouldn’t scare me off 😊
I think it smacks of someone reading books about love and relationships tbh , I would find it weird to be asked that and I wouldn’t even know the answer!
samesign · 21/11/2021 19:33

I think just be yourself, don't try and conform to what what you'll think he'll like in regards of communication, if you want to message just do it, if he doesn't like messaging then maybe he isn't the one for you, it should be effortless if you have a good connection.

Also don't wait on him until you're in a exclusive connection, you'll less likely to be hurt hoping he is the one when early days of dating are likely to fizzle out with most.
Good luck though I hope he is!

Original poster
liska5 · 21/11/2021 21:30

@samesign

I think just be yourself, don't try and conform to what what you'll think he'll like in regards of communication, if you want to message just do it, if he doesn't like messaging then maybe he isn't the one for you, it should be effortless if you have a good connection.

Also don't wait on him until you're in a exclusive connection, you'll less likely to be hurt hoping he is the one when early days of dating are likely to fizzle out with most.
Good luck though I hope he is!

He just messaged me himself, and we joke-chatted for a few minutes 😊 He made a confession - he loves many pillows 😂 So great to just exchange lighthearted messages that make you smile! I’m really looking forward to getting to know him better, he does seem like a great, funny, clever guy!
OP posts: