HELP me not to mess things up with this guy!

[liska5]

After a year and a half of online dating, I've met someone a really like. With many meaningless dates where either the person looks nothing like their pix, or lies about being single and only admit a month later he's actually living with his GF, or just simple incompatibility of values/likes and dislikes/whatever, this guy is someone I really see myself with. We both have 2 kids, we are both in our early 40s, in similar careers, both very career-oriented but also family-oriented, both like similar sports... But hey, we've only been on 2 dates and chatted for a couple of weeks. We've already agreed on the third date (a dinner in a pitch black restaurant) but in a week, as he's traveling all next week and then his daughter is visiting for the weekend. So here's the thing. I need community help here to make sure I don't screw things up so early on :) I know topics here quickly go to the bottom of the page as new ones are created, but I do hope if I keep updating it, people who have commented will still see it and comment. :) So the context now - he's clearly not a texter for texting sake (I am though... I am a writer, probably that's why). Yesterday he texted me good morning, I replied, then he only texted again in the early evening to say how his day was. Then we exchanged a few messages in real time chat, setting up the next date. He ended the chat first as it was 11pm. And this morning I texted him 'good morning, handsome! Have a wonderful day today!' So far, no reply, I try not to think much of it. So I just need some support to get through today and the next few days before the next date not to mess things up please. I'd love to talk on the phone at some point this week, but if he doesn't suggest it, should I? Or is it ok if days go by with no communication at all? I worry that since the next date is so far away, we'll both just get asked on some other dates from online dating and drift away - that's the sad reality here... I don't know if he likes me enough since it's only been two dates, and with online dating, everyone has become sort of more disposable, for lack of a better word. So how do I keep a positive attitude, not become all insecure and actually believe that this may lead to a relationship? Because I so want it to happen. He does seem like an amazing guy, and I really want to give it my best shot. Thank you!!

This is making me feel all suffocated just reading it. Like a horribly hot claustrophobic blanket

It's also got disaster written all over it - unless you just STOP all this overthinking and metaphorical hand wringing

2 dates. TWO! And already chat about mirroring him and counting hours between messages and psychoanalysing him

Honestly, please just stop. For your own sake.

Sorry op but if I was a man and you were behaving like this after 2 dates I would run a mile. You are obsessed with someone you have met twice and tbh I cringe at the text 'good morning handsome'.
You will drive him away before it has begun.
It would appear you have learnt nothing from your past behaviour and this cycle you have of wanting constant communication.
You are the prize, let him chase you.

@crimsonlake

Sorry op but if I was a man and you were behaving like this after 2 dates I would run a mile. You are obsessed with someone you have met twice and tbh I cringe at the text 'good morning handsome'. You will drive him away before it has begun. It would appear you have learnt nothing from your past behaviour and this cycle you have of wanting constant communication. You are the prize, let him chase you.

Yes, but that would mean you were the wrong man for OP. You cannot speak for all men. There will be people out there who would welcome 'Good morning handsome' after date 2.

OP needs to realise that meeting a nice bloke she's not compatible with isn't 'screwing it up with this guy', and to walk away if it's not working, with her head held high. Not that she's obsessive and doing it wrong in a way that will put all men off.

Obsessing stops when you start being able to walk away. Not because it's told to stop.

Well, to all those who think that I shouldn’t overanalyse and just live my life and chill - I don’t totally agree. Yes, it’s only been two dates. But if I just do nothing and then out of the blue the guy asks me on another date - why would he? If we are not interacting, not talking, if I constantly just let him initiate texts - I’m pretty sure he will just think I’m not interested and/or move on to someone else in his online dating profile. I think people should show interest equally and it’s not about playing games.

Yes, but if you're having to think carefully about who is contacting who and when and how often, that means that the natural flow is broken. ie he's not meeting your requirements or you're worried you're not meeting his.

'Not overanalysing' and 'chilling' doesn't mean 'do nothing'. It means do what comes naturally. So if you feel like hearing from him first, wait to hear from him first. It's that simple. No thinking required. You feel like responding rather than initiating, and that's fine. If he's the guy for you, then he'll welcome that, along with all the rest of the stuff you do naturally, without thinking.

If you’re responding to his texts and being upbeat etc then he’ll want to see you on dates and you can show even more of your lovely self on those dates. You don’t have to text him constantly and tell him he’s handsome every day. It’s just obvious you’re very into him and it becomes a turn off for 99% people so early on. There’s no wondering does she like me or not ? Which is the fun and exciting part of dating.
Being busy in between dates is attractive and shows you don’t drop life for a guy and hang onto their every text. You’ll also have a lot more to talk about on dates.
Of course, in time, when he says he likes/loves you then you know how he feels and it’s safe territory to just do you.
These early days are a bit of a game in reality. It protects you from getting too involved when he can just ghost / end it. I mean you just wrote a whole thread after 2 dates , you’re too involved and intense already.
Most of the people on here have given similar advice. It’s just experience speaking and there’s a lot of experience of dating on here I imagine! I have years of OLD under my belt and really feel I understand how dating works, having done it wrongly and rightly.
Best of luck op and keep us updated 🤞

There’s no wondering does she like me or not? Which is the fun and exciting part of dating

Unhealthy. A worthy partner will demonstrate clearly and consistently from the start that they like you. 'Maybe they don't like me..?' isn't fun.

@liska5

Well, to all those who think that I shouldn’t overanalyse and just live my life and chill - I don’t totally agree. Yes, it’s only been two dates. But if I just do nothing and then out of the blue the guy asks me on another date - why would he? If we are not interacting, not talking, if I constantly just let him initiate texts - I’m pretty sure he will just think I’m not interested and/or move on to someone else in his online dating profile. I think people should show interest equally and it’s not about playing games.

You're being disingenuous. No one's saying you should blank him now. Just don't behave like a puppy.

Seriously you need to get a grip. You've only been on two dates with him, it's good you're excited but you should only be excited about getting to know him a bit more on the next date.

Assume the next date is happening and get busy with your own life between now and then. Why would you be so keen to hand your free time over to this man?

I would not have suggested that phonecall. He's busy with work stuff. Presumably you are busy with your own life. Get on with it.

@TheFoundations

There’s no wondering does she like me or not? Which is the fun and exciting part of dating

Unhealthy. A worthy partner will demonstrate clearly and consistently from the start that they like you. 'Maybe they don't like me..?' isn't fun.

Not really, I demonstrated interest but was seeing other people . I think most people multi date until exclusive, especially OLD. Until exclusive, don’t lay it all on a plate, it’s not healthy, off putting and likely to leave you hurt as over exposed

@liska5 I definitely get that you like this guy. Sometimes when you find a diamond in the rough, it's easy to want to just to grab on tightly. However as previous posters say, early on, it's a bit of game playing in that you let him do a bit of chasing, then start maybe messaging first occasionally. Sometimes you can be too accommodating and it's not appealing. I'm definitely like this and have sat on my hands with my latest date and let him come to me. We are both busy during the day and he will text or call me in the evenings (and we are only meeting later this week). OK it's a lot but it shows me he is keen. I'll put money on if I started contacting him a lot more, he would get turned off. Just sit on your hands and let things play out. When you reply, be yourself and friendly/flirty but try not to chase more dates etc.

Hi op. You don't know this guy yet, you're getting to know him. His level of communication seems great and normal. You seem obsessed. I agree with being yourself but I'm sure you're not like this normally. Just enjoy getting to know him and don't overthink his communication as it won't make any difference anyway. Messaging him constantly won't make him any more likely to continue dating him.

So OP you've met this guy, you've discussed your work and are both career driven. You've also both got 2 kids, you've probably got a similar liking for a thing or two....

So if that's what you've built up so far, why are you this hand wringing, overanalysing, wound up, insecure person now?
With all of that going on, where are you finding time for all of this insecurity?
He's seen you twice! He's got a job that involves being focused, he's travelling which requires focus, he's got kids and a whole load of things going on in his life that require focus... He's getting on with his life and pleasing himself and he's OLD he's probably texting, meeting, dating others.
He's met you TWICE!!! You're sitting around anxiously waiting for him to text, your suggesting telephone calls knowing he's had an early airport start, travelling and quite possibly focusing on his trip. Surely he's not going to want a telephone with a virtual stranger he's met twice, and exchanged a few texts with. He's probably caught up with his kids, been out for a nice meal and just wanting to chill and enjoy his evening. He's probably thinking you're doing the same, and that would be normal thinking from him.

You said you feel you destroyed one of the best relationships you ever had due to your insecurities. Think about that a little more. You thought it was the best thing you'd ever had, they obviously ended it because they found it to be something they didn't want or felt very uncomfortable in. Also if it was the best relationship you'd ever had, why were you insecure?

I'll be honest you're being very, very intense already. You're monitoring and over analysing every text and interaction. As much as you think you're hiding those traits, he'll pick up on it, the over keeness, the taking a light-hearted exchange about a nature photo and wanting to text moving onto another subject or a line of questioning about himself. As it is, he's arranged another date with you.

Between now and that date he's getting on with life, and has just taken it he'll see you when you've arranged. You're sprinting off and mapping out a future with him. You've got it into your head you're going to be the one he sails off into the sunset with, he maybe seeing you again to see if you're a good fit in his life. He may see you on date 3 and decide you're not for him. You've got to slow down and keep this in prospective. He's keeping contact measured because he's met you twice, if the 3 rd date makes him realise you're not a good fit, he'll move on. He'll think the same of you after such a short time. You really shouldn't by that point of made such a mark in each others lives. It's been two dates and the odd text. You may think that's harsh, but it's the reality.

You messaged him at 8.54am and were anxious about why he hadn't contacted you back...

????

Ok everyone - update for all those assuming I’ve already ruined it all. He’s messaging me A LOT, sending pictures, saying good morning, wishing me a good day, yesterday asked again about the date on Monday AND said that he’d love to see me on the weekend as well. So I don’t think my good morning texts or whatever have made him run :)

@liska5

Ok everyone - update for all those assuming I’ve already ruined it all. He’s messaging me A LOT, sending pictures, saying good morning, wishing me a good day, yesterday asked again about the date on Monday AND said that he’d love to see me on the weekend as well. So I don’t think my good morning texts or whatever have made him run :)

Oh well, folks tried 😂

Good news & update OP :)

How about you enjoy this for exactly what it is - a nice chap making time for you & doing all the right things - & allow EACH of you to communicate as frequently or infrequently as each day takes you ... without obsessing over it?

Have fun on your next date!

That’s exactly what I’m gonna do!! And thanks for all the valuable advice!!

@liska5

Ok everyone - update for all those assuming I’ve already ruined it all. He’s messaging me A LOT, sending pictures, saying good morning, wishing me a good day, yesterday asked again about the date on Monday AND said that he’d love to see me on the weekend as well. So I don’t think my good morning texts or whatever have made him run :)

To be fair it was your concerns. Take it steady though op.

Op I'm really happy for you, hope it all continues. I still think keep your cards close if you can.

Honestly? I think your best shot is to cool right down. You sound too invested in something that has hardly begun. To attract a man, you want to be, and feel independent, confident, happy in your life, with goals and interests so you have something to offer. You don't want to come across as someone who will do anything and become anything just to fill the man-shaped gap in her life.

If I were you I'd go out a few times, doing interesting things - go to the cinema or theatre or a gig or comedy show with friends, to a talk or a workshop. Do some fitness classes or some training towards a fitness challenge. Sort out an aspect of your house. Do some fun things with your DC - craft or days out. Read the news, get involved with some local charity for Christmas. Then when you meet up, you'll have things to talk about that reflect the fulfilling life you lead. And if it fizzles out, you will have rebooted your life anyway and started living in a more fulfilling way.

Don't call him for a while. Don't immediately answer texts. Ideally, genuinely be too busy and absorbed in life to answer until a few hours later.

Have you still been messaging him loads or have you cooled it recently?

Sounds exhausting. Analysing the texts of some bloke you’ve met twice, reading peoples replies here and posting his inane texts for us to help analyse. I don’t understand what’s enjoyable about this?

I’ve never been messaging that much - hence the post, to help me not to, that was the idea, as I know I tend to overdo it sometimes :)

Hi all - not sure if anyone will see this update as the thread has now moved down quite a bit. But I hope some of you lovely ladies will and will also comment. I just wanted to say that all the advice on her has really helped me a lot to calm down and not to text too much. I think it’s a life-long learning process. For some, ignoring a guy we like and sitting on your hands is easier than to others. To me, it definitely isn’t. Even though I know what I should and shouldn’t do, emotions are not always easy to deal with. So writing on here and reading people’s advice has helped immensely - thank you!!

Now he’s back from his travels. Last night, he texted me good night. I’ll see him on Tue for dinner at this pitch black restaurant where you eat in complete darkness. Maybe we will also meet this weekend but it’s unlikely. I hope date 3 will be fun and amazing. Do share any tips you have for date 3 please! :)