HELP me not to mess things up with this guy!

[liska5]

After a year and a half of online dating, I've met someone a really like. With many meaningless dates where either the person looks nothing like their pix, or lies about being single and only admit a month later he's actually living with his GF, or just simple incompatibility of values/likes and dislikes/whatever, this guy is someone I really see myself with. We both have 2 kids, we are both in our early 40s, in similar careers, both very career-oriented but also family-oriented, both like similar sports... But hey, we've only been on 2 dates and chatted for a couple of weeks. We've already agreed on the third date (a dinner in a pitch black restaurant) but in a week, as he's traveling all next week and then his daughter is visiting for the weekend. So here's the thing. I need community help here to make sure I don't screw things up so early on :) I know topics here quickly go to the bottom of the page as new ones are created, but I do hope if I keep updating it, people who have commented will still see it and comment. :) So the context now - he's clearly not a texter for texting sake (I am though... I am a writer, probably that's why). Yesterday he texted me good morning, I replied, then he only texted again in the early evening to say how his day was. Then we exchanged a few messages in real time chat, setting up the next date. He ended the chat first as it was 11pm. And this morning I texted him 'good morning, handsome! Have a wonderful day today!' So far, no reply, I try not to think much of it. So I just need some support to get through today and the next few days before the next date not to mess things up please. I'd love to talk on the phone at some point this week, but if he doesn't suggest it, should I? Or is it ok if days go by with no communication at all? I worry that since the next date is so far away, we'll both just get asked on some other dates from online dating and drift away - that's the sad reality here... I don't know if he likes me enough since it's only been two dates, and with online dating, everyone has become sort of more disposable, for lack of a better word. So how do I keep a positive attitude, not become all insecure and actually believe that this may lead to a relationship? Because I so want it to happen. He does seem like an amazing guy, and I really want to give it my best shot. Thank you!!

If his communication style doesn't match yours, what makes you think you need to change, not him? What about if his frequency of meeting doesn't match yours, will you settle for his terms? I know you've had some bad experiences and by comparison he seems 'perfect' but I guarantee he won't be. The things you think are so fantastic are absolutely the bare minimum you should expect, and don't forget that you're offering a lot in return. There's people who will come on here and tell you you're needy, controlling and insecure for wanting pretty much anything out of a relationship, but the fact is, unless you're getting it, you won't be happy. Obviously there are compromises, but please don't think they need to be all on your part. Be authentic and open and work on getting what you want rather than wanting what you get.

@niceupthedanceagain

I'd sack off the good morning and good night messages for a start if you've only been on 2 dates.

Definitely. I don't do that with a partner of three years.

@ChargingBuck

How do I share about myself and also talk about stuff that he likes?

How do you talk to your mates? Do that.

Imagining you need some special kind of tactic to use just because he's a man you are dating is ... horribly close to putting this guy on a pedestal.

As is viewing the week between now & your 3rd date as "looooong".
Brace up OP! - you are not a teenager. Fill your week up with all the business & work & enjoyment you usually have, & look on this date as a nice-to-have extra.

Sorry to nag, but you are in danger of seriously over-investing your emotions in some random dude you've actually only met twice. This should be at the "pleasant dalliance" stage. A few butterflies are nice, but ...

Very well said.

It's just a nice extra; it shouldn't dominate your mental space.

It’s so early in the relationship and I really do want it to work out

It’s not ‘early in the relationship’, it’s early in dating him. It’s been 2 dates, for goodness sake. It’s not a relationship. You’re being way too intense about this.

You’re overanalysing this and worrying about how things ‘should be’ instead of focusing on growing a connection with him. Have you read Bridget Jones’ Diary? (Book not film) Lots of good parody in there of how a good relationship can fail because the girl is so busy trying to be mysterious/alluring / analysing him with her friends instead of just being herself.

@liska5

Yes, for sure. And I’ll try to see how it develops if I do something I normally don’t do - meaning constantly texting first. It’s so early in the relationship and I really do want it to work out.

As for the comments about just being myself - I agree but also disagree a bit. I tend to think about it similarly to people’s behaviour at work. I mean, if I’m trying to succeed, I won’t just do what I normally do - say, procrastinate - but will push myself to behave differently because of the motivation to succeed. Here it’s similar. I want this to succeed - and no, I don’t want to play games and pretend I’m someone I’m not, but I’d rather push myself to grow and behave less needy, less insecure. I know I get attached easily so this is another area I’m working on. It’s about me, but it doesn’t mean I just want to be myself in that way. I’ve done it before and ruined one of the best blooming relationships I had, after dating for a year, because of my insecurities and constant expectations…

What you can keep up at work won't be necessarily sustainable 24/7. Just be yourself. If you fake who you are and can't do so in times of stress, you'll waste all that time.

So… today he left on his work trip. Texted me in the morning that he got to the airport on time and is about to take off. I replied ‘have a great trip!’ And suggested to have a phone call in the evening if he had time. And after that - nothing. It’s now many hours later, I think he will message me but probably way too late for any call. Was I wrong to suggest a call? He texted me first. It was just a suggestion… I’m over analysing it all again!

Please try not to seem overexcited about this. I know it's hard but that may really put him off. Lay off on the texts. Let him put the effort into texting you. Don't be too available. Signed, old but wise mom

Hey Liska - you're over-analysing again!

When a man sends you a random text, just 'cos he wants to, 'cos he's thinking about you at the airport (aaaaw!), take it as the lovely natural gesture it is & THEN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

If he wants to set up a phone call, he will. He he doesn't feel like it, he won't. What I would love you to get into your head is that THIS SAYS NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT THE PROSPECTS OF ANY POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP. It just says something about whether he feels like a phone call or not.
Got it?

It really is that simple.
This will work out, or not. You will be compatible, or not. No amount of thinking is going to affect that. (Unless you persist in over-thinking & start acting unnaturally because of it. People tend to gravitate toward natural people, because we instinctively feel what is genuine & honest.)

2 dates ago, before you met this guy, what did you occupy your time with? What made you happy, content, amused, engaged?
Do lots of that. Spending a week obsessed with how looooooooong it is until you see him again is unhealthy & counter-productive, You are not Bridget Jones. You are a grown-ass woman with a life to lead. Live it! - this guy (& the signs seem good) is a bonus, that might fall into your lap, & might not. None of us know how it will pan out - INCLUDING HIM - so stop setting him up as the arbiter of your happiness, lose the romance industry fairytale bullshit, & make yourself the centre of your own life.

Phew.
Apologies if that has come over as a rant or a lecture! - but you've touched something in me OP ... I'm an old bag now, & hate to see lovely bright young women pining over this whole will he/won't he schtick. It's YOUR life! YOU have agency! HE is simply a nice-to-have. Maybe a very nice-to-have who may become an essential, but until then ... chill your boots, & let him text willy-nilly, without analysing it on a spreadsheet

@SortingItOut

You carry on building the best life for you, and put him to the back of your mind until your next date.

Why are you feeling insecure?
A man should enhance your life and not be your life, you should not rely on a man to make yourself feel better.

You are enough and if things don't work out you are still enough

This - with bells on

@liska5

So… today he left on his work trip. Texted me in the morning that he got to the airport on time and is about to take off. I replied ‘have a great trip!’ And suggested to have a phone call in the evening if he had time. And after that - nothing. It’s now many hours later, I think he will message me but probably way too late for any call. Was I wrong to suggest a call? He texted me first. It was just a suggestion… I’m over analysing it all again!

Please please chill out. Just keep busy and don't expect him to call. If he has had a busy day he will probably get a shower and dinner at hotel and work/crash out or gym. You need to not be expect anything. Do nothing . He is busy at work and will drop you a message tonight or tomorrow. If he manages a call treat it as a bonus. I often don't manage to call home on business trips . You have just met. Let things breathe

Thanks for all my input. However - some are saying ‘be yourself,’ and others - ‘focus on your life.’ Being myself would mean texting him at some point during the day even if he hasn’t yet texted since this morning. I one that it means being needy etc, so I’m not doing it. But that effectively what I typically do - with my family and friends. But I know that when dating, it’s a no no. And it’s not easy. Not texting him all day is not easy - and yes, it’s making me wonder. He will eventually text, I’m sure - but what do I do then? Also only reply several hours later, like tomorrow? That’s playing silly games though…

If, and it's a big if, but if he says "sorry I didn't call" if he doesn't call be chill and say something along the lines of "it was just an offer if you found yourself at a loose end in your hotel room as work trips can sometimes be a bit lonely in the evenings no Biggie" AND LEAVE IT at that sort of level.

Chill.

You don't know him well enough to be able to send messages about things you think he would be interested in. Anything else is just you checking whether he will answer, which is needy and unattractive. Be patient. If he likes you, he will keep your date. If you constantly contact him for no reason, it could put him off. Stop pinning everything on this and try to focus on other things.

When you don’t text he will be thinking about you and wondering what you’re up to - just like you are now. If he knows you’ll text every day , he knows you think about him daily .
In the early days, until you know he likes you enough, you need to keep chill and busy - to stop yourself getting over invested more than anything

I think if he feels right , then try and see what happens and be open and optimistic
Hahaha !

I’d definitely sit in your hands a bit , as it’s very early days and some guys (and women ) don’t like the endless chit chat texts
But also focus on do you like HIM rather than does he like ME
And be cool on the texts

Also maybe cool down on the apps whilst you see how it goes ?

You are way too into the texts
Texts (if you are going to see him) mean nothing
Back off the texts !

It always amazes me how any of us maintained a relationship in the days before text. I suspect we were much more chilled and far less neurotic
.

@liska5 - you are thinking, and at risk of behaving, as if you were in an established relationship

This is a guy you've met TWICE !!!

Right now you are peripheral to his life. An option he may or may not want to pursue.

So why are you twisting and pretzeling yourself to try and be his ideal girlfriend?

You need to take a huge step back and focus on other aspects of your life.

Yeah. You are all absolutely right. Taking a huge step back and focusing on everything that’s going on in my life right now, and that’s a lot… thank you.

@ChargingBuck

Hey Liska - you're over-analysing again!

When a man sends you a random text, just 'cos he wants to, 'cos he's thinking about you at the airport (aaaaw!), take it as the lovely natural gesture it is & THEN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

If he wants to set up a phone call, he will. He he doesn't feel like it, he won't. What I would love you to get into your head is that THIS SAYS NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT THE PROSPECTS OF ANY POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP. It just says something about whether he feels like a phone call or not.
Got it?

It really is that simple.
This will work out, or not. You will be compatible, or not. No amount of thinking is going to affect that. (Unless you persist in over-thinking & start acting unnaturally because of it. People tend to gravitate toward natural people, because we instinctively feel what is genuine & honest.)

2 dates ago, before you met this guy, what did you occupy your time with? What made you happy, content, amused, engaged?
Do lots of that. Spending a week obsessed with how looooooooong it is until you see him again is unhealthy & counter-productive, You are not Bridget Jones. You are a grown-ass woman with a life to lead. Live it! - this guy (& the signs seem good) is a bonus, that might fall into your lap, & might not. None of us know how it will pan out - INCLUDING HIM - so stop setting him up as the arbiter of your happiness, lose the romance industry fairytale bullshit, & make yourself the centre of your own life.

Phew.
Apologies if that has come over as a rant or a lecture! - but you've touched something in me OP ... I'm an old bag now, & hate to see lovely bright young women pining over this whole will he/won't he schtick. It's YOUR life! YOU have agency! HE is simply a nice-to-have. Maybe a very nice-to-have who may become an essential, but until then ... chill your boots, & let him text willy-nilly, without analysing it on a spreadsheet

As someone in a similar position to the OP, I love this advice! I will definitely take this on board (I need it)

@liska5

Thanks for all my input. However - some are saying ‘be yourself,’ and others - ‘focus on your life.’ Being myself would mean texting him at some point during the day even if he hasn’t yet texted since this morning. I one that it means being needy etc, so I’m not doing it. But that effectively what I typically do - with my family and friends. But I know that when dating, it’s a no no. And it’s not easy. Not texting him all day is not easy - and yes, it’s making me wonder. He will eventually text, I’m sure - but what do I do then? Also only reply several hours later, like tomorrow? That’s playing silly games though…

If you made a new platonic acquaintance, would you text them every day and get twisted up about response time?

Would you expect the same level of communication you have with family and long-established friends? That would be absurd, right?

Because that's all it is now. A person with a tiny connection to you, so far platonic. Give them space. Don't assume or force instant intimacy.

Loving this thread and the super advice!

OP, with kindness, you need to try and rein it in. If he gets an idea of how invested you are already it may well scare him off. Take a step back. You’ve met him twice. You don’t know him at all. At this stage it’s too early to know if you want a relationship with him. Maybe he has some views you hate or some disgusting habits that he hasn’t shown you? Maybe he has not been forthcoming or truthful about certain things. Maybe he is a habitual dater and a situation like this isn’t unusual for him. It’s far too early to tell. You’re getting way ahead of yourself and no good will come of that. He will reply to your messages only when/if he wants to and you can’t do anything other than get on with your life and try to focus on something else.

His level of communication sounds absolutely normal to me; I wouldn't describe him as "not a texter". He is sharing information, pictures, jokes...

I mean this nicely when I say I think you need to sit on your hands for a bit