HELP me not to mess things up with this guy!

[liska5]

After a year and a half of online dating, I've met someone a really like. With many meaningless dates where either the person looks nothing like their pix, or lies about being single and only admit a month later he's actually living with his GF, or just simple incompatibility of values/likes and dislikes/whatever, this guy is someone I really see myself with. We both have 2 kids, we are both in our early 40s, in similar careers, both very career-oriented but also family-oriented, both like similar sports... But hey, we've only been on 2 dates and chatted for a couple of weeks. We've already agreed on the third date (a dinner in a pitch black restaurant) but in a week, as he's traveling all next week and then his daughter is visiting for the weekend. So here's the thing. I need community help here to make sure I don't screw things up so early on :) I know topics here quickly go to the bottom of the page as new ones are created, but I do hope if I keep updating it, people who have commented will still see it and comment. :) So the context now - he's clearly not a texter for texting sake (I am though... I am a writer, probably that's why). Yesterday he texted me good morning, I replied, then he only texted again in the early evening to say how his day was. Then we exchanged a few messages in real time chat, setting up the next date. He ended the chat first as it was 11pm. And this morning I texted him 'good morning, handsome! Have a wonderful day today!' So far, no reply, I try not to think much of it. So I just need some support to get through today and the next few days before the next date not to mess things up please. I'd love to talk on the phone at some point this week, but if he doesn't suggest it, should I? Or is it ok if days go by with no communication at all? I worry that since the next date is so far away, we'll both just get asked on some other dates from online dating and drift away - that's the sad reality here... I don't know if he likes me enough since it's only been two dates, and with online dating, everyone has become sort of more disposable, for lack of a better word. So how do I keep a positive attitude, not become all insecure and actually believe that this may lead to a relationship? Because I so want it to happen. He does seem like an amazing guy, and I really want to give it my best shot. Thank you!!

[quote Eesha]@liska5 I definitely get that you like this guy. Sometimes when you find a diamond in the rough, it's easy to want to just to grab on tightly. However as previous posters say, early on, it's a bit of game playing in that you let him do a bit of chasing, then start maybe messaging first occasionally. Sometimes you can be too accommodating and it's not appealing. I'm definitely like this and have sat on my hands with my latest date and let him come to me. We are both busy during the day and he will text or call me in the evenings (and we are only meeting later this week). OK it's a lot but it shows me he is keen. I'll put money on if I started contacting him a lot more, he would get turned off. Just sit on your hands and let things play out. When you reply, be yourself and friendly/flirty but try not to chase more dates etc.[/quote]
Thanks for your comment! Definitely a lot of good advice. So he came back from his work trip last night… today his daughter is coming to visit him for the weekend. Still, he’s told me several times that maybe there’s a way we will see each other this weekend, if his daughter is busy with her friends. But I really don’t think it’ll happen - and I won’t ask him that, of course. Anyway, we have a date scheduled on Tue, but my question is - should I ask him, for ex, how his daughter is? Or is it too personal too early? Better just stay casual, and continue to make flirty jokes till we meet on Tue? It just really looks like some meaningless interaction for now… Thank you!!

@Eesha

Op I'm really happy for you, hope it all continues. I still think keep your cards close if you can.

Thanks!! Will do. He connected with me on Instagram, so he now knows what I’m up to (I post fairly regularly, about my kids mostly). So I’m trying to play it cool but I really would love to have more meaningful exchanges with him tbh… This morning he messaged that he started reading the book I wrote that he ordered online and it just arrived (I’m a writer). So that was sweet and impressive. And I guess means that he’s interested… but now it’s the weekend, we haven’t seen each other for a week, it’s hard to play it cool…

I am pleased for you that he is still in contact...But I am beginning to wonder what you have learnt by peoples responses on this thread?
As you have only been on 2 dates 'meaningless interaction' in your words is fine. Countless times you have been told to keep it light, yet you are over analyzing yet again.
Tbh I originally missed your age i your initial post, I assumed you were much younger.
Enjoy it for what it is at the moment.

I'm not going to be on your case as I think we are too quite different types.

Things that are not playing it cool:
Sharing the name of your novel
Sharing your Insta handle
Connecting on social
Being available for a date in the next 48 hours if he can squeeze it in
Analysing whether asking if someone you've never met is well is playing it cool

My point isn't to be mean, but to say, my dear, you aren't playing it cool. And if playing it cool isn't you then you know what...don't. Be you. You're not crazy, bad or mad to know....so why this need to pretend to have a communication style or attitude to him that you don't.

I think the advice on here is be cool. Like actually give less of a shit.

But if you're all bowled over you may as well ask how his daughter is. He so knows you're into him.

@liska5

Ok everyone - update for all those assuming I’ve already ruined it all. He’s messaging me A LOT, sending pictures, saying good morning, wishing me a good day, yesterday asked again about the date on Monday AND said that he’d love to see me on the weekend as well. So I don’t think my good morning texts or whatever have made him run :)

Read up on love bombing. This is not necessarily a good sign.

Thanks!! Will do. He connected with me on Instagram, so he now knows what I’m up to (I post fairly regularly, about my kids mostly). So I’m trying to play it cool but I really would love to have more meaningful exchanges with him tbh… This morning he messaged that he started reading the book I wrote that he ordered online and it just arrived (I’m a writer). So that was sweet and impressive. And I guess means that he’s interested… but now it’s the weekend, we haven’t seen each other for a week, it’s hard to play it cool…

This is still the same guy whom you have seen TWICE...???

And you think this is great?

Oh dear...

Seriously: you need to not only 'play it cool' but cool it. Please keep your wits about you. There is a very real risk that this will end in tears.

I hope it won't, but not holding my breath.

Hello OP,
I feel for you as I’m exactly the same as you. I got adhd and sure I’m Borderline too. And emotions got high and I get attached straight away too.
I met a guy last Thursday, he lives far away from me (me in Scotland, him in England) and I’m mad about him dreaming far far away about us even if I only met him once and by pure luck lol

@Yummypumpkin

I'm not going to be on your case as I think we are too quite different types.

Things that are not playing it cool:
Sharing the name of your novel
Sharing your Insta handle
Connecting on social
Being available for a date in the next 48 hours if he can squeeze it in
Analysing whether asking if someone you've never met is well is playing it cool

My point isn't to be mean, but to say, my dear, you aren't playing it cool. And if playing it cool isn't you then you know what...don't. Be you. You're not crazy, bad or mad to know....so why this need to pretend to have a communication style or attitude to him that you don't.

I think the advice on here is be cool. Like actually give less of a shit.

But if you're all bowled over you may as well ask how his daughter is. He so knows you're into him.

I get what you mean about being yourself @Yummypumpkin but I don't think it has to be Rules-style playing it cool. Just a bit of self-protection, and not losing yourself instantly in another person and making contact with them the centre of your being. I think it's possible to find a healthy balance and still be true to yourself.

How old are you, OP? And whereabouts are you from? If you’ve already said, I apologise that I have missed it.

You seem extremely sweet, but very young. And I’m sensing that English isn’t your first language, so wondering if there’s cultural context we’re missing.

Yes,lay off the texting stuff, I think a lot of men do not like all this habitual texting. It's not really necessary,if you are going to see someone in a few days,or a week or so.

Hi op. I used to be very very anxious just like this until I spent a year in therapy which helped me understand what insecure attachment style is. You unfortunately are basing your idea of self worth and wellbeing st the moment on a man who is a total stranger to you

I admire you starting your thread here to see if you can change this. I think firstly you need to alter thr idea that being yourself is just the right thing to do. Lots of people have unhealthy patterns in relationships and actually we need to look at changing that not just saying oh well I'm being myself.

A few things ring alarm bells for me here. Wanting a call with him when on a work trip...anxiously counting minutes between texts and already wishing you could text again...sharing your Instagram! That is so personal and you really really don't know this guy.

I honestly recommend you read about how our childhood upbringing establishes our needs as adults ...you need to be much clearer that you don't need this man. The idea that the texting and constantly reminding him you exist is the only thing that will ensure he doesn't forget you is just so far from a healthy approach

As someone said. This will work if it is right. You don't need to be a performing seal constantly trying to get his attention.

Have you as a child learnt the belief that unless you are constantly clinging to someone they will leave you ? Do you believe you are not worthy of love and are always on a cliff edge terrified your relationships will end ?

It's interesting that you said you want to be yourself and text him constantly like you do with family. It's a really important emotional tool to see the difference between people we know and trust and people we barely know

You are imprinting your need for family style love and security onto a stranger and that is a sign of poor boundaries. This man is not your saviour on a white horse.

You need to reduce your dependence emotionally on this man who you should be just gently getting to know with very few needs from him at this point.

If you go on the Bacp website you could find a good counsellor near you and explore all of this

You could reframe the idea of playing it cool which sounds forced. And think of being realistic about someone you barely know and should not be emotionally dependent on.

You are entangled your emotions so heavily with this man its making you very vulnerable and you need to see its a reflection of your inner pain and neediness not anything really about him

What a great post, @waterrat - especially the point that being yourself isn’t always the best way. That’s definitely something to think about (and not just in dating situations 😄)

@waterrat

Wow. Bloody marvellous post, which I'm sure several PP & many lurkers are also applauding.

Thank you.

This lurker definitely applauding @waterrat - excellent point!

Ah thanks guys . I managed to change my life and relationships so hugely by engaging with all this and understanding what drove my unhealthy reactions and anxieties so I always want people to know its possible.

I had so many disastrous relationships and now am very happily married....I know if I could change so much anyone can.

I like your post also waterrat

It’s very through provoking
And the bad habits etc
I’ve definitely seen some not so healthy behaviour
In my part since embarking into dating again
And it’s taken me aback
So yes

And I’m totally sitting on my hands with my fella
(And checking hourly but anyway 🙄)

That way you will know the other persons true feelings/messaging stuff ie when they have the space to show you. If you message first the whole time then you'll never know if he's replying because he wants to be in touch or just to be polite.

Good advice.

thanks waterrat really helpful. And really pleased for you.