HELP me not to mess things up with this guy!

[liska5]

After a year and a half of online dating, I've met someone a really like. With many meaningless dates where either the person looks nothing like their pix, or lies about being single and only admit a month later he's actually living with his GF, or just simple incompatibility of values/likes and dislikes/whatever, this guy is someone I really see myself with. We both have 2 kids, we are both in our early 40s, in similar careers, both very career-oriented but also family-oriented, both like similar sports... But hey, we've only been on 2 dates and chatted for a couple of weeks. We've already agreed on the third date (a dinner in a pitch black restaurant) but in a week, as he's traveling all next week and then his daughter is visiting for the weekend. So here's the thing. I need community help here to make sure I don't screw things up so early on :) I know topics here quickly go to the bottom of the page as new ones are created, but I do hope if I keep updating it, people who have commented will still see it and comment. :) So the context now - he's clearly not a texter for texting sake (I am though... I am a writer, probably that's why). Yesterday he texted me good morning, I replied, then he only texted again in the early evening to say how his day was. Then we exchanged a few messages in real time chat, setting up the next date. He ended the chat first as it was 11pm. And this morning I texted him 'good morning, handsome! Have a wonderful day today!' So far, no reply, I try not to think much of it. So I just need some support to get through today and the next few days before the next date not to mess things up please. I'd love to talk on the phone at some point this week, but if he doesn't suggest it, should I? Or is it ok if days go by with no communication at all? I worry that since the next date is so far away, we'll both just get asked on some other dates from online dating and drift away - that's the sad reality here... I don't know if he likes me enough since it's only been two dates, and with online dating, everyone has become sort of more disposable, for lack of a better word. So how do I keep a positive attitude, not become all insecure and actually believe that this may lead to a relationship? Because I so want it to happen. He does seem like an amazing guy, and I really want to give it my best shot. Thank you!!

Hey OP
Sounds like it's going nicely, he is texting you with chit chat which means he is thinking of you. Great.

BUT. As a fellow over analyser, your posts on here scream of a teenage crush. I'm not being mean here, I do this myself and its fine to be like this but it's only been a few weeks... try hard not to get too excited, please. The fallout is so harsh if it goes belly up. I hope he feels the same way you do. Keep us posted

If being yourself messes it up, he's not the guy for you. Relax. Start looking at whether he's messing it up by not communicating as much as you'd like. This isn't a performance that you're putting on, where you have to get your lines right or you'll get chucked off stage. This is you looking for someone you can be utterly yourself with, and feel loved even when you're at your worst.

Stop performing. Your act will fail at some point; all acts do. Vet him, to make sure he doesn't mess things up, and relax. All you have o do is be yourself. If he doesn't like it, you haven't 'messed it up', you've been honest, and discovered that the two of you aren't compatible.

@sammylady37

What do you think his love language is? Maybe you could ask him next time you see him?

Omg don’t do this on a third date! I’d run a mile if someone asked me that so early on.

Help me out, what's "love language"?

And OP you will find out what's important to him as and when.

Don't bombard him with heavy stuff, the real deep down stuff gets exposed bit by bit over many moons.

Enjoy the light hearted butterfly stuff whilst it's there, it's all downhill after that!

Interesting post and some good advice! I do find that often (not exclusively) that men aren't so keen on texting unless there is a concrete reason and with the ones that are it's often quiet flirty and lots of 'banter' and it can feel a bit false.
I think I have a similar attachment style to you which is why I found your post and the advice interesting. Agree with those who say to keep your distance text wise, focus on your own life and don't give too much of yourself to this so early on.If he feels any neediness (not saying you are) or pressure on the relationship he'll retreat.
You saying that it's 8.40 on a Sunday morning and you have already texted him a cheery 'hello handsome' message I think is too much. Get on with your day, have your plans, give it some space.
That way you will know the other persons true feelings/messaging stuff ie when they have the space to show you. If you message first the whole time then you'll never know if he's replying because he wants to be in touch or just to be polite.
I'm currently single but thinking of OLD soon again so it's useful to read other's advice on here.
Agreed the love language concept / book is brilliant but I think definitely a discussion for 2 people to help understand each other once they are in a more established relationship. Good luck!

Brilliant advice @TheFoundations. I’m in the early stages of a relationship too and am trying very hard just to be myself and stop second-guessing myself and decide whether he’s right for me!

Help me out, what's "love language"?

A psychobabble term for how people express their love. So some msg be very expressive with gifts, others may ‘do’ things for you or take care of you and others may tell you all the time that they love you.

The most attractive thing you can do is just go on about your life as before you met him and not be so keen.

Keep talking to other guys online.
Plan things with your friends.

Why? Nobody would really be attracted to someone who appears to have nothing going on in their life except for waiting for the next text, call, date.

THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS

Good morning, handsome?

OTT.

If someone sent me a good morning beautiful after two meetings, it would freak me out.

@VirgilStarkwell

THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS

Oh no, what's happened here?

For the uninitiated (and it’s the right time of year too):

“Those aren’t pillows” scene from the fabulous Planes, Trains and Automobiles.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=u2pu0m9iTo4

Just play it cool, op

@Beebyonthewold

I’m in a similar situation OP! He is also not much of a texter and I’m finding myself overanalysing every exchange. When I see him it’s great, but I’m wondering if a lovely date at the weekend is worth the subsequent week of anxiety and overthinking It’s difficult isn’t it? I will be watching with interest!

I'm also currently over analysing the early stages of dating and am struggling with the lack of communication which I am experiencing as rejection. I keep reminding myself that it may well not be rejection, just a busy guy with a life beyond dating me.

As hard as it is, the best thing we can do is just get on with our lives and remember that 'what's for you won't pass you' as hard as that is when you're an over analyser.

I'll sit on this bench with you ans hope it gets a little more comfortable as time passes

@liska5

And will try to mirror him in our interactions

Please, please don't do this !

Why on earth would you try to mirror his style of communication instead of simply doing what feels natural to you ??

It's this kind of 'thinking' that ends up causing so much grief further down the 'relationship' road ! Simply because you're already trying to 'become' his idea of a 'perfect' partner !!

Be YOU !

ALWAYS be yourself !

You can never meet the 'perfect' guy if you're always tying yourself in bloody knots trying to be his 'preferred' version of you !!

I

I am watching this with avid interest because so am seeing someone who only messages with specific information.
I'm also currently over analysing the early stages of dating and am struggling with the lack of communication which I am experiencing as rejection. I keep reminding myself that it may well not be rejection, just a busy guy with a life beyond dating me
This is me.

Op, I also get pretty invested but I really try to sit back and watch whether that person's messaging style actually works for me. If they are taking ages to reply, then that isn't great in my eyes as well as not organising dates equally. I would personally sit on my hands a bit when messaging if you can. Also I think the good morning thing gets boring quickly so I would try and drop that and swap that to something more fun.

Yes, for sure. And I’ll try to see how it develops if I do something I normally don’t do - meaning constantly texting first. It’s so early in the relationship and I really do want it to work out.

As for the comments about just being myself - I agree but also disagree a bit. I tend to think about it similarly to people’s behaviour at work. I mean, if I’m trying to succeed, I won’t just do what I normally do - say, procrastinate - but will push myself to behave differently because of the motivation to succeed. Here it’s similar. I want this to succeed - and no, I don’t want to play games and pretend I’m someone I’m not, but I’d rather push myself to grow and behave less needy, less insecure. I know I get attached easily so this is another area I’m working on. It’s about me, but it doesn’t mean I just want to be myself in that way. I’ve done it before and ruined one of the best blooming relationships I had, after dating for a year, because of my insecurities and constant expectations…

@liska5

Yes, for sure. And I’ll try to see how it develops if I do something I normally don’t do - meaning constantly texting first. It’s so early in the relationship and I really do want it to work out.

As for the comments about just being myself - I agree but also disagree a bit. I tend to think about it similarly to people’s behaviour at work. I mean, if I’m trying to succeed, I won’t just do what I normally do - say, procrastinate - but will push myself to behave differently because of the motivation to succeed. Here it’s similar. I want this to succeed - and no, I don’t want to play games and pretend I’m someone I’m not, but I’d rather push myself to grow and behave less needy, less insecure. I know I get attached easily so this is another area I’m working on. It’s about me, but it doesn’t mean I just want to be myself in that way. I’ve done it before and ruined one of the best blooming relationships I had, after dating for a year, because of my insecurities and constant expectations…

This is just like me OP, let's try not to over analyse together

I would have run a mile if a man had asked me what my 'love language' was on the 3rd, 4th date or anywhere in the first few months.

The best thing you can possibly do at this point is to fill your days with things you love, fun stuff, interesting stuff. Spend time with friends /family and without your phone. Stop measuring your days by contact from him.

Book yourself some fun things for the next 6 weeks or so, and something fun to look forward to in the new year.

[quote updownroundandround]@liska5

And will try to mirror him in our interactions

Please, please don't do this !

Why on earth would you try to mirror his style of communication instead of simply doing what feels natural to you ??

It's this kind of 'thinking' that ends up causing so much grief further down the 'relationship' road ! Simply because you're already trying to 'become' his idea of a 'perfect' partner !!

Be YOU !

ALWAYS be yourself !

You can never meet the 'perfect' guy if you're always tying yourself in bloody knots trying to be his 'preferred' version of you !![/quote]
Because being op is texting ‘good morning handsome’ every day sometimes you need to reign yourself in especially in those early days! Not lay it all on a plate , as much to protect yourself as to not be over keen before you know the other person’s feeling it too

I’ve been online dating on and off for a couple of years. I’m seeing someone now, but what I found worked best for me to quell any anxiety was to pretty much never message them first once we’d started chatting. I hated the wait for the reply! So I decided to never instigate conversation. Also treat every man as as if it probably won’t work out - let him prove he’s not a dud until he proves otherwise. I’ve met a lot of duds and in the early days got too invested early on only to find out he’s a twat and I’d wasted my time.
Do not under any circumstances do the love language thing on him - it’s cringey at this point.
Honestly, not messaging first has worked for me, it showed me a) how keen they were b) stopped me thinking about when they were going to reply and c) made me seem a bit more mysterious and unattainable!
I also never read or replied to them straight away…. I’d leave it an hour or so!

Man's love is of man's life a part; it is a woman's whole existence. In her first passion, a woman loves her lover, in all the others all she loves is love.

OP, you are in danger of living by Lord Byron's verse...... Can you try to focus less on this man, whom you barely know, and instead put more effort into creating a whole and satisfying life, with or without 'a man'

“The most attractive thing you can do is just go on about your life as before you met him and not be so keen.

Keep talking to other guys online.
Plan things with your friends.

Why? Nobody would really be attracted to someone who appears to have nothing going on in their life except for waiting for the next text, call, date.”

This with bells on.