DH has thrown a spanner into our future

[Strugglinglikemad]

Some perspective would be very welcome... my DH and I have been together for around 8 years and overall have a really good relationship. We both have good jobs, we've made a nice home etc. We each have children from our previous marriage who are now pretty much grown up and doing their own thing (none live with us). We've had a few minor scrapes over the years as most couples do but nothing terrible and things have got stronger with time. We're now at an age where we're starting to plan for our lives beyond work so we're overpaying our mortgage and contemplating our long term future which is lovely.

Unfortunately, last week though by accident I discovered that he had been using a webcam whilst I was at work (I won't share the grim details but I'm sure you can imagine). I feel totally betrayed and like our future has been jeopardised. He is adamant that this happened only 3 times so not a long term thing but...you know. He has apologised and answers my questions when I ask but honestly I can't work out what this even means for us. If I hadn't found out and challenged him, he would never have told me but we are so happy and have a great life in so many other ways. I'm struggling to get perspective on the way forward. Part of me wants to work it out, maybe go for counselling or something but part of me feels like I could never fully trust him again so separation would be the best option. Has anyone got any wisdom to share? Thank you.

Well I can't give any proper advice really except experience.
My exH of 20 years turned out to be going out and dressing up in gimp gear behind my back. I assumed it was a mid life crisis and decided to ignore it in the hopes things would settle down but the last 5 years of our marriage saw this escalate to the point where I almost had a breakdown, fetish clubs, weird friends, the whole life style and I realised enough was enough. I was a wreck.
They are always "sorry" and regretful although they are never sorry and regretful before they are found out.
Only you can decide if he's worth it but I couldn't get past this. I don't want to live with someone who thinks its ok to watch live sex shows and talk to these girls.

It's cheating and it would be a deal breaker for me. Who knows what else he's gotten up to.

I don't want to live with someone who thinks its ok to watch live sex shows and talk to these girls.

Exactly. Men like this are just sleazy, pathetic arseholes.

Only you can decide if you want to remain married. For me once trust has been broken it is too difficult to rebuild.

There's too much tempting stuff out there.

If a man's only reason not to participate is the fear of getting caught....then he's going to participate.

No amount of counselling is going to change his core values at this age.

Sorry.

Thank you for your replies. I don't think it has got to anything kinky...I have been digging and that doesn't seem to be it. My issue is that he's crossed the line in a 'live' situation where there are other people and I dong know how to work through it, if we can or if I want to.

Don't rather than dong...but that's ironically funny!

Sorry...if it isn't something kinky, what has he been doing with the webcam? I thought that's what you meant but now wondering if he's just secretly joined the parish Council???

I wish he had joined the parish Council! I'm sorry that it probably wasn't clear in my op. It wasn't him just watching webcam, he was actively participating from his side too.....does that make more sense? Nothing kinky but a total betrayal of trust.

You are worth more than this. It's 'only' three times? It's really grim, disrespectful and is cheating. Don't let him persuade you that you are over-reacting if you decide you cannot go on with the relationship. You will have a better life without a horrid little man masturbating in your bedroom to young women he's paid with your shared money. Ewk.

Ugh what an absolute arsehole he is.

Would he genuinely be ok with you paying another man to wank on camera while you wanked along too? Would he fuck.

He's a vile, sexist pig who has no respect for you or women in general.

Please tell me you don't want to spend your life with someone like that?

if hes hooking up with people on webcam its probably kinky

I'm confused OP, what do you think he's been doing whilst on the webcam?

I was confused too but I think when she says "it's not kinky", OP means its not a kink or fetish....but is presumably sexual.

If he’s exposing himself on a webcam that’s so creepy. Way worse than porn.

He was engaging in sexual activity on the webcam but not fetish based. He's ashamed and I checked that the account he was using had been closed as he had claimed (and it had) so that was something I guess but he still deceived me, crossed the line and did something sexual outside of our marriage. I was definitely not prepared for that spanner in the works.

Ask him this: Would he genuinely be ok with you paying another man to wank on camera while you wanked along too?

Of course he fucking wouldn't. Because it's an obscenely vile breach of trust and disrespectful to everyone involved. Other than him. He's just vile.

Was he paying a woman to perform on camera or did he "meet" random women online for cam sex?

What a dirty twat.

How can you even try to make excuses or try and justify his disgusting behaviour dirty dirty just utter dirt

@Strugglinglikemad

I wish he had joined the parish Council! I'm sorry that it probably wasn't clear in my op. It wasn't him just watching webcam, he was actively participating from his side too.....does that make more sense? Nothing kinky but a total betrayal of trust.

If you don’t think it’s a kink, why would it bother you? Of course it’s a kink. He gets his thrills by participating in online sex with strangers. That’s not something many people do.

Yes you can get past this but it will take time and some boundaries in place. Don't be too hasty, take your time and decided what you want.

We all get curious about things we can access online. I know I have googled a few unsavoury terms, interested in what they meant. If you had been married for a very long time - say 20+ years- and this was a one off I would advise lots of talking, maybe with a professional, and then quite possibly, moving on together. With your relationship still being fairly new I would find it hard to accept that he would not explore seedy situations again.
Only he knows if he can resist.

Only 3 times? Literal wanker.

There's definitely no justifying or excusing his behaviour on my part. I'm simply trying to explain and get some perspective without totally losing my shit. You have to remember that my whole future is on the line here...