DH has thrown a spanner into our future

[Strugglinglikemad]

Some perspective would be very welcome... my DH and I have been together for around 8 years and overall have a really good relationship. We both have good jobs, we've made a nice home etc. We each have children from our previous marriage who are now pretty much grown up and doing their own thing (none live with us). We've had a few minor scrapes over the years as most couples do but nothing terrible and things have got stronger with time. We're now at an age where we're starting to plan for our lives beyond work so we're overpaying our mortgage and contemplating our long term future which is lovely.

Unfortunately, last week though by accident I discovered that he had been using a webcam whilst I was at work (I won't share the grim details but I'm sure you can imagine). I feel totally betrayed and like our future has been jeopardised. He is adamant that this happened only 3 times so not a long term thing but...you know. He has apologised and answers my questions when I ask but honestly I can't work out what this even means for us. If I hadn't found out and challenged him, he would never have told me but we are so happy and have a great life in so many other ways. I'm struggling to get perspective on the way forward. Part of me wants to work it out, maybe go for counselling or something but part of me feels like I could never fully trust him again so separation would be the best option. Has anyone got any wisdom to share? Thank you.

To be fair, @youvegottenminuteslynn is right. I’ve worked almost exclusively with men for more than 25 years. Some of the shite I’ve heard from them is mind blowing (and I’ve always tried to correct their opinions) BUT, the single most effect I’ve ever been able to create? Asking them what they thought said 20 yr old extremely glamorous stripper/cam girl etc thought about them as a punter? About the sad, chubby 40/50/60 year old (who reminds them of their dad) who is wanking over them? The answer is…she thinks absolutely NOTHING! They are just sad old men…a means to pay her bills, feed her kids…once they understand that, the desire to do it disappears!

If he was single, it would be perfectly acceptable sexual behaviour.

Wtaf.

It's a form of prostitution.

Unless the women (or same woman three times) is someone doing it for kicks, completely free (?)

Which is not the likely scenario.

Op I wish I could say something easier on you but to me me cheating, and it's a crossed line ... abd I don't think for one second the men who do it don't think it is, to some extent or other. If it was OK, they wouldn't hide it.

Abd if you had done this with a male prostitute/escort (though I doubt there are many who dont just serve the gay market), I'd be interested to know long long he'd hang around, and what his own behaviour would be like if he did. I'm betting he wouldn't or if he did he's only stay ve sure he now considered it open season to do what he liked sexually).

*he'd only stay because

The bottom line is that he thought (still thinks really, he's just not saying that cause he knows knows won't help his case) it's OK for him to use sex workers online via Web cam behind your back.

That was within his range of acceptable behaviour/values.

He thought you wouldn't find out.

He's only stopped abd is only sorry because you found put. It may "only" be (provably) three times but you don't know for sure it wasn't more, and you certainly don't know for sure that he wouldn't have happily done it again.

As others have said, aside from the infidelity and the sex industry involvement (Even if it is the lighter end), that's probably your joint money he's spunking away. Why exactly should your money be in the bank account of a random sex worker somewhere. What have you gained from it other than pain when you found out.

He's a loser.

It’s classed as adultery in divorce now if it’s interactive.
Just give yourself some time to think about what you want to do.

We've had a few minor scrapes over the years as most couples do but nothing terrible

What does this mean?

Im wondering because you describe him being caught using (presumably) sex workers online at least 3 times as a scanner in your relationship/future.

Has dh 2 been a level 5 or 6 bastard which looked good compared to dh 1 if he was a level 8?!

*spanner

It would be the end for me, no excuses from him just bye bye. But that’s just me. Do what you feel is best for you.

It’s classed as adultery in divorce now if it’s interactive.

Take it that is that when cited under unreasonable behaviour?

Because adultery as a grounds for divorce always had to be intercourse I think, and had to be proven, which meant people were advised to just put it under unreasonable behaviour.

@Allsortsofroses

It’s classed as adultery in divorce now if it’s interactive.

Take it that is that when cited under unreasonable behaviour?

Because adultery as a grounds for divorce always had to be intercourse I think, and had to be proven, which meant people were advised to just put it under unreasonable behaviour.

Oh sorry I think I got that wrong!

Having had a similar experience although in his case not paying and no one on ones, just looking at that kind of camsite , all I will say is I think once they get a taste for this kind of real life stuff they don’t tend to stop, they just get way sneakier. VPNs, burner phones , just being a lot more conscious of cleared history, incognito etc. My H was mortified I knew, incredibly upset that he had upset me , did he stop- no he didn’t and we are in the same age bracket as yourself. I just happen to be a sharp cookie technically, so made sure I knew what was going through our router day to day when he was at home and I was out. Is this good, no- it’s lousy for your mental health but I felt I had to know the score . I’m not going through his phone or computer I’m simply looking if stuff I have said I can’t accept is still happening , i pay for internet, so my right to check. Whilst others may say if trust is broken then it’s not worth staying then I’m with you—I simply can’t feel the same and I have tried, but I need to put myself in a better position financially first for various reasons as we work together and I’m
Likely to have to put 6 months plus rent down. It’s important you think about this, could you get over this if it wasn’t a one off episode of a few times— if it had have been, I think I could have , but it wasn’t quite clearly in my case and this shit comes on top of other stuff I no longer feel 100% about. You on the other hand seem to feel this is the only issue, so all I say is think on whether you feel it’s something you could ‘turn a blind eye’ to ongoing- because that is the more likely scenario OP. If you couldn’t— I think you should insist on a 6 month separation and then see how you feel— because it may be that will put the frighteners on him sufficiently. I didn’t do that- but I wish now I had.