DH has thrown a spanner into our future

[Strugglinglikemad]

Some perspective would be very welcome... my DH and I have been together for around 8 years and overall have a really good relationship. We both have good jobs, we've made a nice home etc. We each have children from our previous marriage who are now pretty much grown up and doing their own thing (none live with us). We've had a few minor scrapes over the years as most couples do but nothing terrible and things have got stronger with time. We're now at an age where we're starting to plan for our lives beyond work so we're overpaying our mortgage and contemplating our long term future which is lovely.

Unfortunately, last week though by accident I discovered that he had been using a webcam whilst I was at work (I won't share the grim details but I'm sure you can imagine). I feel totally betrayed and like our future has been jeopardised. He is adamant that this happened only 3 times so not a long term thing but...you know. He has apologised and answers my questions when I ask but honestly I can't work out what this even means for us. If I hadn't found out and challenged him, he would never have told me but we are so happy and have a great life in so many other ways. I'm struggling to get perspective on the way forward. Part of me wants to work it out, maybe go for counselling or something but part of me feels like I could never fully trust him again so separation would be the best option. Has anyone got any wisdom to share? Thank you.

Aldi's he only stop because you caught him? That would be my worry

How do you know it's only 3 times? Can you see evidence on his account or has he told you this? He could be lying?

I take it he has had to pay for this service?

Did he tell you why he did it? Do you still have a sexual relationship?

Definitely look into couples counseling. It'll help you both properly talk things through and work out what you both want.

The trust is gone, like dropping a glass vase you can’t fix it sorry he’s not the man he sold to you, I I’m so sorry. Perhaps consider counselling for yourself to dig through how you feel and what it means

@LocalHobo

We all get curious about things we can access online. I know I have googled a few unsavoury terms, interested in what they meant. If you had been married for a very long time - say 20+ years- and this was a one off I would advise lots of talking, maybe with a professional, and then quite possibly, moving on together. With your relationship still being fairly new I would find it hard to accept that he would not explore seedy situations again. Only he knows if he can resist.

A fairly new relationship? 8 years.

Curiosity? Watching a woman wank on camera live, on demand, as per his instructions, while he wanks too.

Raise your bar!

OP, you must be shocked to the core. Your H has been paying sex workers for interactive experiences….unless it is he who has been performing for payment.

Either way, he has cheated by pursuing/receiving transactional sexual gratification. He unilaterally redefined the parameters of your marriage, and assumed he could keep you in the dark forever.

For me, this is a dealbreaker. My trust and respect would have plummeted to zero.

For me - it won’t be black and white. I know you feel hurt, and it’s natural. But at the same time - so is being human and making a mistake.
Actual physical cheating - at least for me - would be a lot harder to forgive. Wanking to an image on a screen - a lot less so.
Sure - in a way its a life person. But also - not really.
I can see how waning to regular porn, can someone easily turn to this. The pop ups and ease of access when one is already aroused is meant to entice - is a strong draw.

So - as I said - for me it’d depend on so many factors. How strong is your relationship otherwise? Are you happy? Dos he make you feel loved? And, related to that - how has the physical side been lately and in general?
Since you seem to have been happily planning your retirement together - I think you do have a lot going for the relationship.
Doesn’t it deserve for you both to at least attempt to save it?
You may be in shock now. How about giving it a little time and then figuring out what you want?
I’d say some counselling and open communication about your relationship, fears, needs, concerns, issues - is needed here.

I think there are few unforgivable acts in life. I am not sure this qualifies. I do think people can make a mistake and be forgiven.

Hi, OP.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's a huge shock to say the least.

While I did not witness my ex dh doing that, I did see him talking to a woman over the phone very late at night. I was heavily pregnant and couldn't sleep, saw he was in the lounge but just stood outside the door and heard him. So I I opened the door and he said he was talking to a guy friend from work. He thought I was very stupid I guess.

Other nights his phone would buzz and I saw random women saying they miss him on Skype. It wasn't spam, they were genuine messages.

I realised this is only what I saw and he must have been doing more behind my back. I couldn't trust him after that, he was cheating on me.

Please decide whether you can fully trust your dh again. Respect, love and trust are the foundations for a happy marriage. I find that your dh doesn't respect you and has broken your faith in him. It hurts.

I hope you are OK, hugs

@Lolojojonesi

You are worth more than this. It's 'only' three times? It's really grim, disrespectful and is cheating. Don't let him persuade you that you are over-reacting if you decide you cannot go on with the relationship. You will have a better life without a horrid little man masturbating in your bedroom to young women he's paid with your shared money. Ewk.

100% this! I couldn’t move on from this. I’d be done with the relationship and move on.

@Strugglinglikemad

He was engaging in sexual activity on the webcam but not fetish based. He's ashamed and I checked that the account he was using had been closed as he had claimed (and it had) so that was something I guess but he still deceived me, crossed the line and did something sexual outside of our marriage. I was definitely not prepared for that spanner in the works.

You're ok with sexual activity that is not fetish?

Seriously he is feeding you this line? Would most people be happy that their other half's are having sexual acitivity online? Not me. And I would suggest not a lot of of other people who aren't trying to appear cool or woke.

@Strugglinglikemad

There's definitely no justifying or excusing his behaviour on my part. I'm simply trying to explain and get some perspective without totally losing my shit. You have to remember that my whole future is on the line here...

Yes, and he put it there. Losing your shit is entirely appropriate.

For me there would be a lot more questions.

Was he watching poem and had pop ups or was he on a dating site, did he go looking forward local women? Were they women or men?

Did he close the account befire it after you found out? When did he open it? When did he 'do it'?

Does he seem genuinely sorry to have hurt you or just sorry he's been caught & risks losing you?

Why did he do it? Curious? Horny & you weren't home? Or did he say he wasn't getting enough at home? Quite a different vibe depending on why! (For me).

Humans are visually stimulated, just because he was wanking to porn/live cams/whatever, does not make him some sexual deviant as some are claiming. Doing something sexual outside your relationship - yep. Deviant/creep/dirty - no.

It's ok for this to be something you can accept happened and choose to move on from it, it's also ok to choose that, for you, this is a deal breaker. Just don't be forced (either way) to act in a certain way because of the responses here.

As you get older I think you realise that there's more to life than the mistakes you make. It's all very well at 20 to say 'Nah I'm
Out of here - next!' It's not the same at 50 & many of us want to enjoy our retirement with our partners.

It's not black & white, it's simply which option do you think will make you happiest in the long run (out of the available options! Obviously him not having done it would have been the much better option 💐)

Have you ever been cheated on (that you know if anyway) before? I have & I don't think it would seem/feel the same (depending on some of the answers) but if it did he'd be gone because I'd never put myself through trying to get over it again. But I think wanking over done woman online is totally different, but if it was someone local where the intention was to actually meet up, that's different.

Big Hug. Listen your heart & your feelings. No one elses!!

Honestly I don’t think I could move past this. It’s live vs a video and he was an active participant. I’m not sure he would stop using them he’d just be more careful covering his tracks

Not enough info to provide much perspective, but I'd say go with your gut - how much does this bother you? Does it significantly change the way you feel about him longterm, even if you believe him when he says he won't do this specific thing again? Will you be able to trust him? Is he willing to deal with your not trusting him, unless and until he's able to regain your trust? You mentioned that he'd never have told you about this if you hadn't discovered it yourself - will you always be wondering what else he's hiding?

For me personally, I'd need to know exactly what was going on - I don't mean the sex acts, but the relationship/arrangements. If he's been engaging in - mutual video masturbation? - with someone he knows IRL, I'd treat it like an affair. Only you know whether you want to/can give him another chance, if he's willing to try couples counseling or something like that. If it's consensual (not paid) with a stranger he met on line, I'd need to know how and why this came about. If he's being paid for his activities, I'd try to talk to him about how and why he's doing this and if he needs help getting out of the situation. If he's paying for it, I'd leave him because I'd realise that I didn't really know him at all and we are ethically incompatible.

It wouldn't necessarily mean the end of things for me.
I think I could get past it and move on.

Ask him if he's ok with you doing it just three times.

Along with others, I doubt he is sorry, just sorry he was caught. This is something he researched, planned and executed. He put effort and time into it. He is going to want to do it again. Next time he'll be careful to hide it from you.

soontobe - I wouldn't call it a kink either, but that doesn't mean it's ok of course.

It's entirely up to you OP. None of us know you or him or anything about you at all.

All anyone can do is put themselves in that position and think what would I do.

Also it's not other posters lives. What anyone would do in theory is way easier to be definite than IRL.

Remember that.

For me. I would be deeply angry and pissed off.

Big part of that would be the fact if not found out would have kept at it.

And there's a big step between watching porn and interacting with a real person 1-1. IMO that is a big step and not a natural easy one for many men to cross.

Whatever your views on porn etc. It's your boundaries. And your situation.

Obvious knee jerk ltb for sure. It is way way totally utterly out of line obv and you're in no way unreasonable to feel that. Also remember. He WILL lie. About everything to minimise as much as poss.

What do you think that it tells him if you let this go and carry on as normal.
It tells him you're prepared to let him get away with sexual promiscuity from your marriage. What is next, the brothel? Drive by pick ups. It won't be far from his mind if he had the nerve to do webcams. Slippery slope.

Cut your losses.

I would be upset that it happened in a happy relationship. If you were having problems then you could work on them and get through it, but ykh can’t work through being happy to come out the other side.

I also believe that anything that you forgive you are almost saying you accept

A long happy marriage at your stage of life shouldn't just be thrown away. Pay for some counselling and explore what's going on . People make mistakes . You haven't mentioned how your sex life is . Menopause can kill your sex life and maybe this is his answer , rather than talking to you about how is is feeling. If it was me, I would be so hurt but would want to seek counselling before making any decisions . Good luck

I would be deeply hurt. Idk if it would be a deal breaker. It would perhaps depend on how he acted from now on. But I’m not you and I have been with my dh for more than half my life. You’ve been together for 8 years, have assumedly had at least on previous long term relationship so you know what it is to breakup, what is is to be single and (unlike me) presume have your health.

I think the point I’m making is don’t get caught up in the sunk cost fallacy, especially when you know what life is like without him.

I'm not exactly vanilla... but I couldn't be with a pervert. It would make me constantly question everything else in the relationship and the continuum of this behaviour.

Three times before he got caught.