DH has thrown a spanner into our future

[Strugglinglikemad]

Some perspective would be very welcome... my DH and I have been together for around 8 years and overall have a really good relationship. We both have good jobs, we've made a nice home etc. We each have children from our previous marriage who are now pretty much grown up and doing their own thing (none live with us). We've had a few minor scrapes over the years as most couples do but nothing terrible and things have got stronger with time. We're now at an age where we're starting to plan for our lives beyond work so we're overpaying our mortgage and contemplating our long term future which is lovely.

Unfortunately, last week though by accident I discovered that he had been using a webcam whilst I was at work (I won't share the grim details but I'm sure you can imagine). I feel totally betrayed and like our future has been jeopardised. He is adamant that this happened only 3 times so not a long term thing but...you know. He has apologised and answers my questions when I ask but honestly I can't work out what this even means for us. If I hadn't found out and challenged him, he would never have told me but we are so happy and have a great life in so many other ways. I'm struggling to get perspective on the way forward. Part of me wants to work it out, maybe go for counselling or something but part of me feels like I could never fully trust him again so separation would be the best option. Has anyone got any wisdom to share? Thank you.

I'm going to buck the trend here. I think its very easy to get sucked into these things. No pun intended. You start looking at mild stuff, get attracted by something else, and then you need more and different. Each new thing is exciting but after a while it becomes not quite enough. So I really can understand how it happens.

I would say, though, that it's addictive. We've all started diets and it's quite easy to control yourself at the beginning. But each stress and strain, each bit of boredom or frustration, gets you reaching for the biscuit barrel. And that works for other addictions too. It's not that it's not possible to stop. It's just that it's so easy to backslide. MN response to everything is to get counselling. But is he really doing it for any other reason that he likes it and enjoys it? And ultimately that's the problem.

I wouldn't say that it has to be a dealbreaker but I would question whether it's desirable to live with someone who has an addiction and the attendant uncertainty that makes you live with.

Theres no way I would throw away a loving relationship over this and theres no way I'd be considering him some kind of weird pervert either. Whether you like it or not this is today's porn scene. Hes not a deviant

I would be feeling hurt though. Very hurt.

Some very good points already made. For me, I don’t think I’d ever get over the rather sordid little image of him wanking away and getting his kicks in this way, it would simply kill any sexual desire I’d have for him, which would mean the relationship would be over anyway.

If he’s admitted to doing this 3 times you can add at least another dozen times to that OP. Not that it really matters -once, twice, 500 times, he’d still be cheating (because that’s what it is, and in your own home, in the most sleaziest of ways) on you now if you hadn’t of caught him. Why would you want to stay with someone who lies to you? Don’t you think you deserve more?

I really appreciate the variety of responses, that's why I posted really as I was stuck in hurt and couldn't get past that to organise myself to consider what happens next. He knows that we'll be talking again after the weekend and some of the points you've raised are great food for thought. He is usually a great man but he's trampled all over me and our relationship through this bad choice. It's not an easy one to seek support from in RL

Sorry to be intrusive but is your sex life good? Just wondering whether maybe he was looking for connection.

And yes, I do feel that I deserve better than to be lied to and 'cheated' on this way for those that have asked. I'm just desperately sad at the idea of watching my otherwise lovely DH pack his bags, taking our dreams for the future with him (I'll still make that happen though if I decide I can't live with what's happened).

I would not throw away my future over this.

Let him know you find it unacceptable and then move on.

@alienbaby

Sorry to be intrusive but is your sex life good? Just wondering whether maybe he was looking for connection.

I guess this is one of the most hurtful things, we have an active sex life that is really healthy. We are both open to try things together and it feels like this situation has pulled the rug from underneath that trusting and loving sexual side of our relationship which is really important to me.

I would hate the ida of this specifically, but it is really really common. For me it would make a difference if it were paying a person, which I would loathe, or an online interaction with a real person, which I would find less terrible.

What I would say is that I doubt you can sort this out in one conversation. Talk as much as you need to and don't be sacked into closing it down until you are ready.

Oh no 😔 That's very confusing. Have you ever discussed porn and what is "allowed"?
Maybe instead of making a decision on this by yourself now start by having a conversation with him today. Its hard but try and keep it as unemotional as possible and make the goal of the conversation to understand why he has done this and whether you think he will stop.

Alienbaby...we have always been clear about boundaries within our relationship and he knew this was not ok clearly. We have talked several times and I've tried to ask the questions that I need answers to but it's so hard not to want to scream or just dissolve in a puddle. He understands that it will take time for me to work out what happens next and that may mean that we have to end our relationship but he wants any chance possible to work things out. I just don't know if he's caused too much damage and shattered my trust

Like quite a few have mentioned try counselling first.I’m so sorry as I can imagine the hurt you feel-relate were so helpful for my marriage.If nothing else you can work out what you want to do.Give yourself lots of time.💐
Easy access to porn on the internet has led so many people down rabbit holes they wouldn’t have dreamt of doing before! In a way I wish we could turn back time.

Excuse my ignorance but how does this work? It is just him watching her or was it also her watching him? If the latter then what's to stop her making a video i.e. is there now blackmail material out there.

@Strugglinglikemad there are some excellent points on here. However, what stands out to me from your posts is that you deeply love this man and whilst you are hurting you aren't ready to end your marriage.

If this is the only thing that has happened that has made you reconsider your future then it is possible to work through it.

Trust can be rebuilt provided everyone is on the same page and realistic that it won't happen over night. It will take an immense amount if time. Talking and counselling etc.

I guess for me the thing I would need to understand is why he felt he needed to access that service. The answers to that would probably define my next move.

I don't think this would be a problem if it was historical before your relationship and he now wouldn't do that again (because he's in a committed relationship and sees the exploitative nature of it) but during your marriage is cheating to me.

In your shoes I would probably suggest counselling together to see where it takes you.

Why did his first marriage fail, was that due to cheating?

I think you both have to believe your relationship is over - your relationship as you knew it certainly is because you’ll never regain that unbroken trust, and you’ll always remember this.

If you can start from a position now that your marriage is over and talk about how to break up your lives, who gets what, what you tell your families (and tell him he needs to do the telling and be very honest about what he’s done) etc. the either the plan will give you the confidence to know you’ll be OK on your own or his grief, and actions, and raw honesty towards you and what he’s losing will show that he is truly contrite and be a big enough wake up call that he’ll never risk losing you again.

But you have to mean it, and he has to feel it.

I really don't think that stating 'this relationship is over' in the expectation that the other person will fight for it is realistic, though j see it a lot on MN. If I heard that from my partner I would believe them and would leave.

I think it's very fair to say 'we need to rebuild from.the ground up if this is going to work, what do you really want?' though.

I think a few people have a different meaning to the word kink/kinky and use it to mean anything sexual hence the confusion. Obviously anything sexual outside a monogamous relationship isn’t ok but doesn’t mean it’s kinky.

I agree with others about counselling. It’s something that can be overcome but it depends on whether you’re willing to give him another chance. If you think you can trust him.

I think that if you continue the relationship, you have to realistically accept he’s likely to do the same again.

Some women continue in relationships where they know the man cheats because they feel the good parts of the relationship outweigh the cheating. Presumably there’s a degree of openness between them (even if unspoken) such that she trusts he will cheat, but won’t leave.

I think it’s likely, if you continue, that he will cheat again, but try harder to keep it from you. Maybe that’s cynical, but I think if someone is a liar and a cheat, that’s probably who they are. Obviously he doesn’t consider it morally wrong and if you hadn’t found out, he would still be doing it.

Saying that trust can be rebuilt is somewhat false, I think. You will never feel quite the same way again as you did. Even if you go years and begin to feel safe again, it would only take something tiny to make you suspicious.

So I think that’s your choice. I’m not sure what I would do in your position. Your relationship has changed now permanently. Are you willing to accept the new normal, or is it a dealbreaker for you?

It would be a deal breaker for me, he’d have been gone by now.
I think there’s a big difference between looking at a picture or film, and doing the live web cam.
I’m assuming from your description that this woman at the other end has had to watch him him wank while she performs ? Grim.
And he’s used your joint money to pay for it.

@Strugglinglikemad I am currently going through this exact same scenario - involving spending large sums of money on webcams which we don't have spare as well. It's really difficult as from the outside it is so clear cut - this is unacceptable you should go but from the inside it is hard to actually do that. Feel free to DM me if you like

I think that if you even have a tiny doubt about whether to split or not (which it sounds like you do) then relationship counselling would be a good idea. You may decide to split anyway (fair enough) but it'll give you a space to get some answers and at least if you do separate you'll have the peace of mind that comes from knowing you made a considered decision. I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

Only you can decide
You don’t have to rush into making up your mind, take some time.
As other op have pointed out, they are sorry often for being caught - not sorry for what they did to break the trust