DH has thrown a spanner into our future

[Strugglinglikemad]

Some perspective would be very welcome... my DH and I have been together for around 8 years and overall have a really good relationship. We both have good jobs, we've made a nice home etc. We each have children from our previous marriage who are now pretty much grown up and doing their own thing (none live with us). We've had a few minor scrapes over the years as most couples do but nothing terrible and things have got stronger with time. We're now at an age where we're starting to plan for our lives beyond work so we're overpaying our mortgage and contemplating our long term future which is lovely.

Unfortunately, last week though by accident I discovered that he had been using a webcam whilst I was at work (I won't share the grim details but I'm sure you can imagine). I feel totally betrayed and like our future has been jeopardised. He is adamant that this happened only 3 times so not a long term thing but...you know. He has apologised and answers my questions when I ask but honestly I can't work out what this even means for us. If I hadn't found out and challenged him, he would never have told me but we are so happy and have a great life in so many other ways. I'm struggling to get perspective on the way forward. Part of me wants to work it out, maybe go for counselling or something but part of me feels like I could never fully trust him again so separation would be the best option. Has anyone got any wisdom to share? Thank you.

I would feel hurt and betrayed but wouldn’t consider it cheating

Hmm I wouldn’t be hasty, the internet is dreadful and and I can see how people end up here (doesn’t make it acceptable).

Get to the root cause as to why, it won’t work just on a commitment to stop you need to really understand why it appealed to him and really these things have almost be normalised

I'm going to buck the trend here. I think its very easy to get sucked into these things. No pun intended

It is odd that it is mainly men that get "sucked into" these things, isn't it?

OP I think ItsLateHumpty gave some good advice. I would add though that I think you have to ultimately decide whether you can make peace with living with someone who does this sort of thing because it is really unlikely that he will stop. It is also really unlikely that it has happened only three times.

Oh I meant to add I am sorry this has happened to you.

Was it an account paying for girls to do things on cam girls or was it for meeting other women maybe local etc? Which could lead to an affair.

Sorry none of it is great is it and I’m not sure if any of it matters. But truthfully it’s your decision on what you are comfortable with. Can you forgive and put it behind you? Can you trust him on a computer again or will you always be looking over your shoulder?

It is technically cheating but it is nowhere on the same scale as physical cheating with a real woman he knows or even an EA. It’s more like he’s fallen too far down the slippery porn slope. Not cool, and I’d be angry as hell, but I could work through this in a way I couldn’t with other types of interactions.

I think along with the concern as to how he viewed your relationship I'd be concerned about the money side of things. To my understanding this is not a cheap habit either. If you're meant to be aiming for retirement together this makes it seem like a double whammy in terms of how it may impact your relationship.

You have to think about how you will feel going forward. I once stayed with a guy who had been talking to other women online. I thought I could forgive him. But every time he picked up his phone, or if I went somewhere overnight or whatever, I’d be wondering what he was up to. Was he talking to someone new, had he taken it further and gone and met her etc. I tortured myself. The trust was gone and it wasn’t coming back.

For that reason, if something like that ever happened to me again, it would be over. I never want to feel that way again.

I think that because the rest of your relationship is good you will probably try and work through this. However, you won't be able to stop thinking of his betrayal, you will always wonder if he is doing it again and when it comes to your sex life, that will suffer hugely because you will remember what he did. In your bedroom.

I feel very sorry for you, as you say, you were dreaming together of a rosy future but I fear this man has indeed put too much of a spanner in the works.

Maybe it is best to think that although you thought this man was lovely, there is a side to him that you didn't know and now you know this, perhaps you don't think he's that great after all .

For me it would be the same as visiting a prostitute 3 times - how would you react to that OP?

My ex h was doing similar & it turned out he spent rather a large chunk of our savings on his pursuits. If you have shared money, please check this.
My exH did also cheat on me in RL, but the online stuff hurt me the most.
I'm glad I moved on, as our relationship was crap & this was the icing.
However, relationships therapy will be very helpful to you in making a very difficult decision 💐

I always taught my kids two the mantra's.
Firstly "make the decision you would make, if you weren't afraid"
Missing out on your planned future seems to figure highly in your decision logic, for what to do. It may be a good idea to try and remove this fear aspect from your decision process.

Secondly "decide on your boundaries and stick to them rigidly"
What are your boundaries re: your DH's activities on paying, sex webcams etc?

Put the two together and your decision should be obvious.

Take all the time you need Op. In the meantime, don't let him start to minimise what he did.

As pp have said, how would he would react if you were masturbating online with another man while he was at work?

It is grotty behaviour, and I don't think I would ever get over it. I know it's really hard when you've built a life together and have shared plans and dreams. But if you stay together, expect this to be there in the background for a long time, possibly always. Your sex life won't feel so special. You won't trust him as much. You will have a lower opinion of him, as someone who has breached boundaries he knew were there, and has cheated on you (and would still be doing so if you hadn't caught him).

I'm so sorry.

This would be the end for me, personally, OP. It's such a breach of trust, I don't think I could feel/want to be intimate with him again. Plus I have a real horror of men who think it's okay to buy and sell women's bodies. I would find it unforgiveable.

But it sounds like it's not so clear cut for you right now. It's understandable you'll be confused and a big part of you must hope for a way through this. So maybe some counselling is a good idea - by which I mean, counselling for you, to help you work out what you think and want. And following that, maybe relationship counselling so that you can start to work this out with your partner, if that's what you decide to do.

Take your time and talk to everyone you trust about this. It will help to talk it all through and to have some real life support.

@DrMorbius

I always taught my kids two the mantra's. Firstly "make the decision you would make, if you weren't afraid" Missing out on your planned future seems to figure highly in your decision logic, for what to do. It may be a good idea to try and remove this fear aspect from your decision process.

Secondly "decide on your boundaries and stick to them rigidly"
What are your boundaries re: your DH's activities on paying, sex webcams etc?

Put the two together and your decision should be obvious.

This brilliant post from DrMorbius

Your life with him was like a smooth piece of paper. He has screwed it up into a ball and no amount of smoothing it out or ironing is ever going to get the creases out.

You will always see the creases and not the small remaining smooth bits in between.

Put another way. This level of ick would be hard to get past for the majority of us I suspect. Certainly for me.

@TerraNovaTwo

I'm not exactly vanilla... but I couldn't be with a pervert. It would make me constantly question everything else in the relationship and the continuum of this behaviour.

Pervert?

Don't be daft. There's nothing perverted about wanking & using visual stimulation to get there. Nothing.

It's up to the OP whether this visual stimulation is something she can accept happened (make it clear it's unacceptable) & get past or not. But his behaviour is not perverted.

If he was single, it would be perfectly acceptable sexual behaviour.

@crumpet

Some very good points already made. For me, I don’t think I’d ever get over the rather sordid little image of him wanking away and getting his kicks in this way, it would simply kill any sexual desire I’d have for him, which would mean the relationship would be over anyway.

Do you always find your partner wanking sordid?

Maybe worth some counselling sessions before chucking in the towel and your future so he truly understands how serious and repellant his behaviour is. Id want to see some serious remorse.
I kept putting off the divorce because I was in my 50s and stood to lose a big chunk of my life savings in a divorce but Im afraid I Iost all respect for him and could not bear to touch him any more.
I did end up losing my lovely home and downsizing considerably and whilst I'm happy enough and still have my pension Im really angry the happy future we'd planned together has been flushed down the drain because of his seedy behavior but I could not get over my disgust.
A few years later I dont have the future I planned and I'm still angry.
He is living in a crappy bedsit he rents. I'm furious with him.
Id probably want to have a go at saving it before ditching him but its going to take a lot of work.

I'd just be so worried that if I stayed with him that it's not such a massive leap to meeting up with hookers in real life.

He obviously has the view that paying for web-cam women behind your back is ok.

I'm not sure I could trust someone in a relationship that has used prostitutes.
I definitely couldn't resume a sex life with them, it would just give me the ick.

I'm not judging you op you have to make the decision for yourself (what would you advise a daughter or a sister if you had one?) but I do judge your husband, I would throw him back in the sea myself.
An empty marriage is a very unhappy place to be, no matter how materially comfortable your life is.

It is odd that it is mainly men that get "sucked into" these things, isn't it?

Regarding the internet I think that men can get sucked into porn and women into the perfect "Instagram/influencer" life - they both exploit the sexes basest instincts.

Obviously the former is more damaging.

I would be royally pissed off, but i’m not sure it would be a deal breaker, if everything else in the relationship was good. In my experience, lots of men view things like this in very black and white terms….they aren’t ACTUALLY shagging anyone else, so, although they know you won’t like it, to them it’s almost “harmless”. Obviously, that is a massively flawed view, because they bloody wouldn’t like it if you were doing it, but that doesn’t seem to cross their mind? I don’t view it as perverted though. I would go for counselling to see if you can find a way forward. Not a popular opinion here on MN, but, In my experience, the vast majority of men utilise some kind of porn (I think they’ve got no bloody imagination so they have to actually have the visual!) Personally, I’ve got no issue with general porn but I would draw the line at the type with personal interactions, even on webcam. So he’d need to agree to stop that moving forward. Only you can know if he will do that and if you would feel the need to constantly “police” him. Good luck op, it does sound like this has thrown you massively and I hope you find a positive way forward, whatever you decide xx

Thank you everyone for your candid and varied opinions. I have been so confused and frustrated because its so difficult to make sense of the shit behaviour from an otherwise lovely and caring man. I'm using your thoughts to help me consider all aspects before we talk again. I dont know what the outcome will be but I appreciate your input ❤

It's gutting because lovely men who respect their partners, and women in general, don't pay to watch another woman wank on camera while they wank along. Or do so without payment. Either way it's grim as fuck. Shows a total lack of respect for women. An inability to control himself. And it's just pathetic. Wanking away while a woman on the other end of the screen pretends she's having an orgasm while she's thinking about her shopping list and waiting for the next pathetic punter who thinks she's genuinely enjoying herself.

Ugh. I could never look at him the same again. It's ok if you can't too. It would fundamentally change the way I thought of him.

It’s not cheating in my book though I would feel hurt

Caming is prostitution as the women get paid of it. Most if not all are not free. Loads do cam work on adult works along with being a prostitute in their own place or a rented place. Very grim.

That for me would be the end of it

Ask your questions of him ask loads of questions
Scream if it helps cry too

Watch for him to get annoyed though as he’ll want you to shut up about it very soon.

Only you know if this is a dealbreaker and he got caught so he wouldn’t of stopped till then. He’s feeling guilt because he got caught/found out.