Bad feeling about my earnings in marriage

[yellowpdfdocuments]

Can anyone help me think about this. When I met my husband I was on an average/low salary. He is a decade older and earnt more. I then had two kids and had a year of leave with each, then went back part time. Meanwhile his earnings have skyrocketed. Now, post pandemic I am left in a very uncertain position on a contract that soon ends while he is at his peak. The pandemic was hard for me: childcare, bereavement and serious illness. I am applying for jobs.

There’s a mood in the marriage that I’ve seriously let the side down with my career/earnings. That I am earning too little, that I’ve made us poor.

What do you think? I did choose to look after the kids part time (this has paid off massively in terms of how they are) and I am also just younger, less ambitious, less capable of stress and endurance jobs….

I’m trying to work out of my husband is being unfair making me feel like this. Thanks.

@yellowpdfdocuments

Yes, maybe.

God the world’s unfair sometimes!

OP don't worry. You got to raise your kids and enjoy it. I feel that as hard as it was when the kids were small, I am grateful that I was there seeing them grow up and shaping them into the incredible beings they are now. I've gone back to my career and I'm loving that now too. And now that we're split, I have this enviable life of kids, work, free time, freedom to do things and go away with my boyfriend.

If you have access to money, now's the time to spend, spend, spend on childcare to get back to work. Not when assets have been split 50/50. Afterschool nanny, cleaner, babysitter... don't stint yourself.

Don't for a minute here think that your husband has supported you to work part time etc. The reality is YOU have supported HIM by providing free childcare which has enabled him to progress in his job. That means as his wife you're entitled to share equally in the family wealth, because you helped to build it.

It's a tough one isn't it

I'm the main earner by 4x DH ....do I resent him for not contributing more financially.....yes....sometimes if I'm honest. He could have been a STAHP but I said no as in all honesty the resentment would have killed our marriage. I suspect as we get older and my pension then supports us both in retirement then I'll also have similar feelings. I can't help it. But it is the truth

I suppose I'm more frustrated because he could be earning more and made more of a career but he also had no ambitions and just didn't want to work for it

So do i understand your DH feelings OP? Yes absolutely. Difference being I would never voice my feelings to my DH. I made the decision to make a life with him knowing I would always be the main earner and need to carry us financially.

@User4272946730203

Don't for a minute here think that your husband has supported you to work part time etc. The reality is YOU have supported HIM by providing free childcare which has enabled him to progress in his job. That means as his wife you're entitled to share equally in the family wealth, because you helped to build it.

That's not strictly true though is it? The OP wanted to stay home. Her DH could
More than have afforded the childcare but she decided she wanted to be a STAHM

She hasn't enabled his career at all. He had it before he met her

@Sakurami you sound so well adjusted and confident! Thanks for posting. Was it this issue or something else that caused you to split?

@yellowpdfdocuments

Recently (and especially as his career reaches astronomical levels) he’s started to say I have ‘taken him for a ride’ with reference to my staying at home with the kids/working pt

Fucking hell OP I am sorry you had to hear that from a man who is meant to love you & whose children you are raising FFS.

Are you tempted to show him what being taken for a ride might look like for him, should you decide you have had enough of his stingy unpleasant ways, c/o a shit hot lawyer?

Coyoacan

Raising children is valuable.

As women gained more rights and freedoms, leave it to the shitty men to twist the screws to make things more difficult. Some just believe we're inferior and are only good for sex and domestic duties.

Seems quite a few women these days who want children but not the burden of marriage and a selfish man, go it alone. I understand why.

@4amstarts

It's a tough one isn't it

I'm the main earner by 4x DH ....do I resent him for not contributing more financially.....yes....sometimes if I'm honest. He could have been a STAHP but I said no as in all honesty the resentment would have killed our marriage. I suspect as we get older and my pension then supports us both in retirement then I'll also have similar feelings. I can't help it. But it is the truth

I suppose I'm more frustrated because he could be earning more and made more of a career but he also had no ambitions and just didn't want to work for it

So do i understand your DH feelings OP? Yes absolutely. Difference being I would never voice my feelings to my DH. I made the decision to make a life with him knowing I would always be the main earner and need to carry us financially.

Good post and honestly acknowledges how resentment can happen, but also not be insurmountable.

A man posting this would get a rough ride, but I imagine it’s a view shared by a fair proportion of higher earners of both sexes

It's interesting because I'm the one in our family with the 'big' job. I feel nothing but immense gratitude, respect and love toward my husband for facilitating my career in this way at considerable personal cost (including on his own career prospects). I could not be where I am today without him having done so. We are a team. I struggle to understand how anyone can feel resentful in this situation.

That sounds nice @user1477249785

She hasn't enabled his career at all. He had it before he met her

Not with children though...a career when child free is entirely different to a career with children. She enabled his career WHEN the children arrived so last 10 years??

I've done the high earning career and if you don't have to worry about getting to the nursery before closing or in time to relieve the nanny it's easy to pursue a career.

@Fireflygal

She hasn't enabled his career at all. He had it before he met her

Not with children though...a career when child free is entirely different to a career with children. She enabled his career WHEN the children arrived so last 10 years??

I've done the high earning career and if you don't have to worry about getting to the nursery before closing or in time to relieve the nanny it's easy to pursue a career.

Don’t be daft. Paid Child care is a thing, plenty of dual working families have successful careers. This silly game of pretend that you can only be successful if you’ve a little wife at home has to stop,

Look. The bottom line is that it is UNQUESTIONABLY easier to be successful in work if you are not stressing about nursery pick up and drop off, who will cover sick data and the gazillion mental load issues that tend to fall to a stay at home parent. Please let's not pretend that that doesn't free you up enormously to concentrate on work. It does

plenty of dual working families have successful careers

Don't be silly...childcare can only be outsourced to a degree..nurseries open & close at certain times. It needs both parents to pull their weight around childcare. I know what a full on career takes, do you? We're not talking about middle management working in the council 9-5pm. These are big jobs with global responsibilities- teams in multiple timezones so hours can't workaround standard childcare.

Who takes care of the children when you get the call from nursery, who's career take precedence when both have to travel. I've been there.. it's only doable if
1.childcare is split evenly

1. one parent steps down
2. Both parents have more 9-5 jobs

All the high earning family men, know that their lives are only possible because someone else is picking up the slack. To pretend otherwise is daft

To provide the same service as a SAHP, you'd need a day nanny, a night nanny and a full-time housekeeper. Then both parents can enjoy the 'housewife at home' lifestyle not having to worry about chores and children.

The pay-off of women stepping up at work was meant to be men stepping up at home. This is the bit we haven't got quite right as a society yet. As a result, there are many women who work full-time and then come home and do a 'second shift' of housework and childcare without much help from their partners.

The OP's choices weren't full-time work and someone else deals with the chores and kids (like her husband had). It was full-time work AND deal with the chores and kids. That's the difference for many women and it's silly to deny it.

Tale as old as time.

I wish more women realised this before marriage and babies.

Women and men need to make informed decisions on careers and parental leave. Leaving every aspect, years after birth and ebf have ended, for one person is just unfair.

What happens when the kids are sick? Who looks after them?

My stbxh told me recently that I selfishly went part time after dc meaning that I never contributed enough financially (which he is using to try and manipulate into giving him a better divorce settlement than he deserves). I'm furious. I have held this family together. I have done everything re childcare, housework, cooking, mental load for 17 years and he says this! I am about to compose an email detailing what his life would have been like if I hadn't been the childcare/cook/cleaner/ chauffeur/admin for the family. Luckily the divorce courts don't see part time working mothers in the same way as he does. Dick.

@Mmmmdanone, write the email but I'm not sure sending it will achieve anything.

If he hasn't been able to see your contribution to family life then an email won't change his opinion. It's in his selfish interests to have a narrative that he is more deserving, simply so he gets more of the financial pot.

Men like him are misogynists. I don't blame women who believed they were working in partnership - they are only guilty of trusting the father of their children. Not all men behave like this though as I know men who value the input of women/mothers.

That's the point - even if you can pay for a cracking nanny (Mary poppins is hard to find, I've tried), they will usually work 8-6 unless you're paying royal family rates.

My children did not do well at full time nursery at all and my dh was very appreciative when I gave up work for a bit to concentrate on them.

Not all men are unappreciative. Not all high earners don't see the non financial value of care by a family member. It's sad for @yellowpdfdocuments that she does have one of those men who likely goes into work and idealises women who seem to be doing it all.

OP. Your husband would not have been able to progress in his career if he’d had to cover childcare. No late night meetings. No trips away to business meetings. Having to have last minute days/weeks off to cover if kids are sick. If you had been full time working away building up your career then who would have been at home with the kids during lockdown homeschooling? Who’s staying at home during the summer holidays? You’ve enabled him to progress at the expense of your career. Is he now doing all of the washing, cooking, school pick ups, illness, play dates etc to allow you to work 8-8? If not then there’s your answer

Me and DH have recently fallen in to similar whereas he earns a very good full time wage with long hours and I'm stil part time on a modest wage whilst DD has just started school. I had concerns but my DH reassured, it's fine the flexibility I have helps out immensely during school holidays and the time I have off during the week means I can get on top of stuff at home leaving the weekends free for quality time. We don't need two high earners and it works for us. Sounds like your DH is been unreasonable and lacks insight on how much you really do for the family

As @Fireflygal mentioned I gave up my job when my DS was a year old, I returned to work and put him in nursery but he didn’t settle, it was a private nursery which was close to my work and very expensive, if my Mum didn’t help with childcare on two of the days, we would not have benefited from working financially and I would have in effect been working for free whilst paying someone else to look after my child.

I would like a situation similar in places like Sweden with excellent gender equality this is not an issue as there is full shared parental leave plus preschool opens at 6:30am with provision for babies so both parents just work with no excuses really available as to why not.

This is why I can't marry and risk funding the lifestyle of someone else. For me a very high earner I could easily have paid for childcare so they could work similar hours with similar effort and focus on their career. I could manage 50% of childcare responsibilities. Marriage doesn't taking into account someone who coasts once they are in it or decides to take less paid employment or spends money instead of putting in their pension.

I would like to see the law changed in two ways. Firstly both parties are responsible for 50% of the childcare. they can either sub contract it out but not to the other party (unless a formal nanny job) this way nobody is giving free childcare. And secondly marriage should be an enforceable contract including what should happen if someone chooses to give up work or reduce hours. So people know what they expect from their marriage partner. Breaking of the contract would the affect asset splitting.