Bad feeling about my earnings in marriage

[yellowpdfdocuments]

Can anyone help me think about this. When I met my husband I was on an average/low salary. He is a decade older and earnt more. I then had two kids and had a year of leave with each, then went back part time. Meanwhile his earnings have skyrocketed. Now, post pandemic I am left in a very uncertain position on a contract that soon ends while he is at his peak. The pandemic was hard for me: childcare, bereavement and serious illness. I am applying for jobs.

There’s a mood in the marriage that I’ve seriously let the side down with my career/earnings. That I am earning too little, that I’ve made us poor.

What do you think? I did choose to look after the kids part time (this has paid off massively in terms of how they are) and I am also just younger, less ambitious, less capable of stress and endurance jobs….

I’m trying to work out of my husband is being unfair making me feel like this. Thanks.

@Bellringer

He's an arse isn't he

Would seem so

DH earns 3.5 times what I do. Before we had kids we earnt the same. Then we had kids and I went part time and took low paid work as the hours fitted in around my looking after the kids etc. It’s only been the past couple of years or so I’ve started to get back a ‘career’ but I’ll always be 15 years behind DH in. My progression and it gets harder as you get older to be promoted etc!

Thankfully DH recognises that my contribution to our life isn’t just financial, I did childcare and house work and life admin and taking care of everyone. If I’d forced ahead with my career the kids would’ve have had the child hood they did.

If my husband made me feel like that he would have a firework blasted up his ass How dare your husband make you feel bad. Stand up for yourself and loudly spell out your contribution to your marriage, his earning potential and your value as a sham.
Remind him you are a team and he is letting YOU down with his stinking attitude.

I'd have more sympathy if you didn't come off so judgey towards those of us who have to be "one of those wraparound care couples who sometimes see their children"

Some of us have to pay our bills from two full time wages but that hasn't affected "how my children are" as you suggest...

Send him a bill for all the wifework and get your affairs in order. It will be expensive if you divorce him. Take him to the cleaners.

What a materialistic selfish person.

What are the good things in your marriage you sound profoundly not compatible.

I’m not @over2021- I explicitly said it was a job I wanted to do, not that it would have been in any way detrimental to the kids

Also, if the roles were revered in this scenario you'd be told your husband was a cock lodger. Mumsnet at its finest.

Go and talk to your husband rather than strangers on the internet replying to a post that's clearly biased toward your viewpoint!

Er no thanks @over2021- take your own advice. Just don’t reply if it doesn’t interest you?

You’ve taken him for a ride?!?!?

I earn nothing compared to my husband. He acknowledges half is mine, and he’d be coming home with loads of ££ each day to a cold empty unfurnished house with no children and no family. I’ve taken care of an entire side of his life that needed care, time, effort, sweat and tears in order for it to flourish. So have you.

What you have done for the family is of immense value. If he can’t see that value then he and you will be unhappy.

I have sort of similar, and I think men just forget how hard the early years are and the effort that it takes to be a sahm. I actually am back in a professional role after years off /working part time but earn half what he does and will never catch up. He seems to think I haven't pulled my weight which is really hurtful when I looked after the DC practically on my own for years while he dedicated himself to his career (and they are amazing so in my opinion it totally paid off!)

Also, you don’t sound remotely judgey to me (and we are at a stage of using wraparound so I feel qualified to say this)

You have taken him for a ride? By raising his children and keeping his home?

Men like this should be cursed with their penis falling off and balls shriveling up to raisins.

The audacity of a man who has been able to progress in his career because he has had childcare from his wife never ceases to amaze me.

Your husband sounds like an asshole.

It’s fairly common for one parent to focus on career and earning while the other is the main carer. Realistically it’s very hard to be ambitious and fully focused on career while you have young children unless your partner picks up the slack at home. That’s fine if you’re a team, both happy to contribute different things.

Does he want a role reversal, where he takes a cut in salary, hours and status for a better work life balance while you build up your career? That would make you worse off in the short term, but perhaps you can afford that.

Or does he expect to carry on as exactly as before while you start to work longer hours and earn more? If it’s the second one, thats not realistic.

Go away for the weekend and see how he gets on. What a wanker

That gave me a laugh @MarshmallowSwede.

From the outside, it sounds like you are a good team. He is a very high earner, so the family lives well. You have done the bulk of the childcare - without which he's career may have suffered - and also work. Where is the problem?

If you had prioritised your career as he seems to have wanted, chances are you still wouldn't match (or come close to) his salary anyway. This isn't a reflection on you (and may be wrong anyway), just a statement of fact that most people aren't very high earners. There's no shame in this; you can't judge a person's worth or contribution solely by their salary. Some people have the skills, personal attributes, connections, ambition and just plain luck to earn very highly, most don't. Jobs have different pay rates, which doesn't necessarily reflect their importance or value to society. Surely your husband understands this.

I wonder if there is something else he is dissatisfied with, and the career / earning issue is a smokescreen. Because as he earns very well the family should live well, and a second high salary isn't going to make that much difference (law of diminishing returns, once you have a lot, more doesn't make much difference).

@yellowpdfdocuments

I also should say he LOVES work and voluntarily works every spare moment for no extra pay just because it interests him. It’s his passion.

Is this true? Genuinely?

Whenever someone tries to justify why they have taken a back seat in the earnings department, it is somehow because the higher earner just loves being the sole breadwinner. No pressure on sole breadwinner of course, none whatsoever.

Listen, you have contributed financial and emotional value to your family unit. If your husband cannot recognise and appreciate that, that’s his problem. You did not ask that he earns what he earns or works as much as he does - those were his choices based on what he (apparently) values in life. I would say your values are incompatible or at least currently at odds with each other, but it sounds like more than that. He sounds bitter and unhappy about something to be saying such disparaging things to you about your values and choices. Happy people do not speak to or view their partners this way.

He wanted a partner who is similar to him. Likes nice (expensive) things, to socialise with other similar work oriented people. The kids are secondary- he would have got wrap around care or a nanny and just kissed them hood morning and goodnight. He got a mother to his children, who is happy at home and doesn’t need a Gucci handbag to be happy. Nothing wrong with either position , but it’s a mismatch. You need to look after yourself financially as if this goes wrong, he will firmly believe he earned all the money and you are ripping him off. Nothing will convince him that you being at home meant he could focus on his career so is now only earning what he does because you were at home. Make sure you know what he earns/savings/pension etc

Genuinely he does love work. He has a passion career, and did when we met. I earn half a normal salary, as I work pt

I'm a woman OP and I put earn my husband by a similar margin to your husband and you.

Like fuck has he helped me progress in my career so I don't buy the argument that you have helped him simply by providing childcare. I've worked bloody hard for it and if he went part time then tried to convince me it was doing me a favour I'd bin him.

That view is outdated and it's frustrating to hear women spouting terms like 'wife work' in 2021. Bowing out now.

@Lollypop701

He wanted a partner who is similar to him. Likes nice (expensive) things, to socialise with other similar work oriented people. The kids are secondary- he would have got wrap around care or a nanny and just kissed them hood morning and goodnight. He got a mother to his children, who is happy at home and doesn’t need a Gucci handbag to be happy. Nothing wrong with either position , but it’s a mismatch. You need to look after yourself financially as if this goes wrong, he will firmly believe he earned all the money and you are ripping him off. Nothing will convince him that you being at home meant he could focus on his career so is now only earning what he does because you were at home. Make sure you know what he earns/savings/pension etc

This is the truest reply, I worry.

I’m not asking you to be me @over2021 or ‘agree’ with my choices. Sorry things are such a pain for you.

This is really pissing me off. I am seeing more and more guys who not only expect their wives to take time off with the kids, arrange their work around the kids and take all of the responsibility for managing the house and family - and have the bloody nerve to imply their wives should earn more too. Against a background of women STILL being paid less on average than men. It is like all the messages of equality have completely been misunderstood and they can carry on with incredibly sexist views but also feel justified in telling you you should earn more.