Bad feeling about my earnings in marriage

[yellowpdfdocuments]

Can anyone help me think about this. When I met my husband I was on an average/low salary. He is a decade older and earnt more. I then had two kids and had a year of leave with each, then went back part time. Meanwhile his earnings have skyrocketed. Now, post pandemic I am left in a very uncertain position on a contract that soon ends while he is at his peak. The pandemic was hard for me: childcare, bereavement and serious illness. I am applying for jobs.

There’s a mood in the marriage that I’ve seriously let the side down with my career/earnings. That I am earning too little, that I’ve made us poor.

What do you think? I did choose to look after the kids part time (this has paid off massively in terms of how they are) and I am also just younger, less ambitious, less capable of stress and endurance jobs….

I’m trying to work out of my husband is being unfair making me feel like this. Thanks.

I would think most marriages have one that earns more than the other with the difference varying. Marriage should be a team and often the one earning more would not have been in the position to do so without the practical support of the other.

@Justbetweenus

The cost would have been the same as the childcare so we agreed it was fine. It’s not though is it? I hate this argument. The very short-term cost of childcare is the tip of the iceberg. The massive hidden cost is the impact on your career potential, future earnings, pension savings, etc.

Another myth spread by women to justify why men progress further than women in the workplace.

Childcare costs are an investment. No different to the cost of a degree.

I don’t like the sound of this op, not one bit. Make sure you fully understand his finances and maybe think about working more so you have options. I don’t think he is on your side.

Also, to those saying OP would be in a great position if she were to divorce. She'd be looking at 50% of the equity in their home/savings etc and pension if she's lucky (though with small kids they are probably young and therefore pensions may not be valuable), child maintenance, 80% of all parenting responsibilities and very likely she'd need to return to work full time to support her life as a single parent.

OP does not sound like she would be very happy with that life either!

@RandomMess

My thoughts are exactly what Lollypop wrote. I also wonder if some high earning attractive single woman at work has caught his eye and now he wants that couple lifestyle and is starting the campaign against you so you feel too worthless to stand your ground to either call him out in his attitude or take your abs the DC share in divorce.

He is weaving his narrative good and proper.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I would put money on someone turning his head, someone ambitious, who currently works full time and doesn't have children and has strong opinions about what women with children should do. Of course that may well change when she has children herself.

Oh I would be happy in ft now, it’s what I’m applying for

You still haven't really said in what context this discussion arose

The context was talking about money!

How? Did you ask him for more money..? Talking about money…?

@over2021 it's only an investment if you have a career. If you're on the minimum wage, it's a huge expense thst outweighs the benefits - plus you're knackered to boot. No doubt, with himself not pulling his weight at home because he earns more or works sn exyra 3 hours a week

OP, it sounds as if there is an unpleasant undertone in your marriage which is making you unhappy.

Life is too short to be unhappy. You and your DH should operate as a team. Like you said, part of the problem is that he doesn't seem to view you both as a team.

You have three options as far as I can see:
i) Talk to him, work out what he is unhappy about and discuss how you and he are going to promote your career going forward (with him doing his share of the childcare/domestic load so you can progress).
ii) Counselling.
iii) Leave.

You don't have to stay in this marriage to be belittled and have your confidence undermined. You are not lazy. You've worked around the kids and done almost all the childcare and housework.

@Gliderx

OP, it sounds as if there is an unpleasant undertone in your marriage which is making you unhappy.

Life is too short to be unhappy. You and your DH should operate as a team. Like you said, part of the problem is that he doesn't seem to view you both as a team.

You have three options as far as I can see:
i) Talk to him, work out what he is unhappy about and discuss how you and he are going to promote your career going forward (with him doing his share of the childcare/domestic load so you can progress).
ii) Counselling.
iii) Leave.

You don't have to stay in this marriage to be belittled and have your confidence undermined. You are not lazy. You've worked around the kids and done almost all the childcare and housework.

This. Best option for your mental health is leave.

The thing is if you had a baby quickly and unplanned then you decided you wished one lifestyle and him another, you’re simply incompatible,

He doesn’t respect what you are in terms of career and ambitions, and didn’t wish a low earning partner. He’s not going to change his mind on this, so either change to please him or end it.

@yellowpdfdocuments

The context was talking about money!

Why were you Talking about money, can you give context?

with him doing his share of the childcare/domestic load so you can progress

These things are easily outsourced in the large if you have the funds,

You can “catch up” if you want to (google Nikki King from Isuzu). But that will mean putting yourself first. He needs to be aware that if he wants you to prioritise your career then that means you can no longer prioritise his or indeed him. He will need to find & pay people to do all the things you’re doing now. I remember seeing a calculation years ago that employing people to cover the tasks a SAHP does would be around £65k per annum. I’d imagine it would be over £100k now. Just as well his career has taken off eh?

These things are easily outsourced in the large if you have the funds

Very true. But you still need to manage them, even if you're not doing them. So tidy for the cleaner coming, organise cover for the afterschool nanny, remember to order a costume for world book day or whatever, organise playdates and parties, take time off for sick days or a Covid-positive child. Having paid help doesn't mean you get to opt out completely.

@MilitantFawcett

You can “catch up” if you want to (google Nikki King from Isuzu). But that will mean putting yourself first. He needs to be aware that if he wants you to prioritise your career then that means you can no longer prioritise his or indeed him. He will need to find & pay people to do all the things you’re doing now. I remember seeing a calculation years ago that employing people to cover the tasks a SAHP does would be around £65k per annum. I’d imagine it would be over £100k now. Just as well his career has taken off eh?

For goodness sake.

Wrap around Childcare and a cleaner won’t cost that, I’m sure he can manage the rest. Why do folks quote these numbers like the bloke can’t cook a meal. Sigh, and needs to hire a personal chef.

Over, I don't what kind of chip you have on your shoulder, but the OP would be a lot better off without a man who only runs her down.

@RandomMess

My thoughts are exactly what Lollypop wrote. I also wonder if some high earning attractive single woman at work has caught his eye and now he wants that couple lifestyle and is starting the campaign against you so you feel too worthless to stand your ground to either call him out in his attitude or take your abs the DC share in divorce.

He is weaving his narrative good and proper.

Yes I was thinking the same.

He’s cheating on you ( or thinking about it ) and constructing a story in his own mind ( and for OW) that allows him to justify it and portray himself as the victim.

This story will involve things like you getting yourself pregnant ( by magic ) , refusing to “ contribute “ ( because carrying his children, giving birth to them and caring for them is a worthless activity ) and your not thing him enough time / attention / sex because you are too busy caring for the children and put him first.

It might progress to sly comments about “ letting yourself go “ ( = your body being affected by pregnancy and breast feeding ) or your clothes / hair / make up. Anything that involves putting you down.

If you were my friend I’d advise getting your ducks in a row urgently . Especially getting details of his income / bonuses/ savings / pension .

And I don’t think he’s working all the long hours that he says he is. He’s cheating and / or family life dodging.

Sorry to be so negative but forewarned is forearmed.

Exp had this sort of view of his marriage (he was long separated when we met). He felt very aggrieved that his exw hadn't earned very much as she worked term time only (they have 2 dc's).

When we unpicked it all, he had never taken a day off when dcs were ill. She did everything for and with dcs during the week. He could shoot off to the other end of the country at the drop of a hat because she was there to keep home going.

That meant she'd substantially contributed to his career success and their family but he earned more idiot couldn't see it. He has more time to contemplate that now given he has 2 exp's

I am definitely sensing an affair. Why the hell would he be so bothered about you having a part time job if you have 2 children and a home to look after and he earns plenty of money doing a job he loves and never seems to be at home and likes it that way?? Hes lying. You need to be on your guard from now on. Something is going on.

@SusieSusieSoo What do you think it is driving this type of opinion? Misogyny in general, or something else?

You sound completely incompatible. In many significant ways. Is it just now? Or have you always been and it's only now it's dawned on you? .

Are you from the UK? Would you say you were emotionally open and able to read other people. Do you come from a loving home? It's just that this level of unawareness emotionally is rare.