Bad feeling about my earnings in marriage

[yellowpdfdocuments]

Can anyone help me think about this. When I met my husband I was on an average/low salary. He is a decade older and earnt more. I then had two kids and had a year of leave with each, then went back part time. Meanwhile his earnings have skyrocketed. Now, post pandemic I am left in a very uncertain position on a contract that soon ends while he is at his peak. The pandemic was hard for me: childcare, bereavement and serious illness. I am applying for jobs.

There’s a mood in the marriage that I’ve seriously let the side down with my career/earnings. That I am earning too little, that I’ve made us poor.

What do you think? I did choose to look after the kids part time (this has paid off massively in terms of how they are) and I am also just younger, less ambitious, less capable of stress and endurance jobs….

I’m trying to work out of my husband is being unfair making me feel like this. Thanks.

In my opinion he's obviously not happy shouldering the burden of being the main earner. He might have been before but he's entitled to change his mind. It's not going to work if one person is unhappy with the arrangement.

@over2021 is full of shit. I've only been able to get my career back properly when I split with my ex and he took 50/50 custody. When the kids were little and with no help and with him being away a lot, it was impossible to work. When I did go back and I had to do a few stints away, I got my mum to look after the kids. Having my mum do what I did was absolutely amazing. And it was piss easy doing my job when I didn't have to think or worry about home, kids and everything else. And I had already organised loads of stuff before I left.

He's never done it so doesn't have a clue. OP, leave him and have your own happy life. Don't put up with that pathetic arrogant bastard belittling you and your contribution.

That’s interesting @Sakurami, thanks

Its unfair the comments that hes a dickhead and it's all tthanks to you he has been allowed to flourish.
Not really. He was probably imagining you would both be working and would just pay for childcare since you can easily afford it.

If I had kids and was well able to afford childcare I would be resentful if my partner were staying home while I was having to go out and make sure all the bills were paid. I get where he is coming from but in fairness to you both there probably should have been an open conversation about this at the start.

@RandomMess, completely agree.

Op, how old are you now? If he is showing contempt for you it usually means the marriage won't survive and often because he is comparing you to someone else. It's also relevant that he has had a leap in salary as he might think he now "deserves" better.

@SusieSusieSoo

Exp had this sort of view of his marriage (he was long separated when we met). He felt very aggrieved that his exw hadn't earned very much as she worked term time only (they have 2 dc's).

When we unpicked it all, he had never taken a day off when dcs were ill. She did everything for and with dcs during the week. He could shoot off to the other end of the country at the drop of a hat because she was there to keep home going.

That meant she'd substantially contributed to his career success and their family but he earned more idiot couldn't see it. He has more time to contemplate that now given he has 2 exp's

An interesting point to consider here.

Also, no one should be made feel like some kind of lazy loser for staying home with their own children, especially part time, for fuck's sake. Did he want to pack them off to boarding school as well?

The more I think about it OP the more I think he’s setting up for an affair.
You’re looking for a FT job now and soon will be working full time. Your family finances haven been adversely impacted. What is he so angry about? Unless there’s something you’re not telling us it’s a strange point in your relationship to be telling you off

Your values are aligned. That's very difficult to change. If he doesn't value that you prioritised looking after children and thinks wrap around care would have been the same this is fundamentally incompatible. You need him to value what you did

And yet he decided to marry someone younger than him, on a very different career path and to have two children. I wonder why he didn't actually marry a women of a similar age and with a similar career path - because doing that would mean he couldn't concentrate fully on his career without paying out a significant amount of money on childcare. Oh, and he'd have to live with the possibility his wife might earn more. He's full of bull.

@doadeer

Your values are aligned. That's very difficult to change. If he doesn't value that you prioritised looking after children and thinks wrap around care would have been the same this is fundamentally incompatible. You need him to value what you did

Aren't **

Mumsnet generally makes a solid case for the “mental load” of managing a house and kids and how it’s unfair when that all falls to one person. I agree

However, there’s a lot less acceptance of the load attached to being the sole earner. It has stresses and responsibilities which can weigh really heavily and the general tone on here seem to be that dole (high) earners are loving it, even often using it to get out of family life

It can be tough as a sole earner. You feel responsible, under pressure, often very alone in that feeling. Jobs are not secure so you find yourself working hard, not for fun but for security. Please don’t dismiss that

But the OP's DH isn't the sole earner. He hasn't really ever been the sole earner. Apart from maternity leave, the OP has worked part-time and then made up to 'full-time' hours by doing childcare and housework. I fail to see how she hasn't been pulling her weight.

I see that
It was more of a general comment in reaction to some of the responses.

@RandomMess

My thoughts are exactly what Lollypop wrote. I also wonder if some high earning attractive single woman at work has caught his eye and now he wants that couple lifestyle and is starting the campaign against you so you feel too worthless to stand your ground to either call him out in his attitude or take your abs the DC share in divorce.

He is weaving his narrative good and proper.

This. Agree also with @Sakurami

I think there is a deeply unpleasant tone to your marriage and he clearly has zero interest in his family, nor values your contribution.

A complete mismatch.

You could continue to ponder it or you could prepare yourself for him exiting the marriage and shafting you in the process.

I suggest you get as many copies of deeds/payslips/pensions/investments together and somewhere safe.

Have you always had full access to a joint account or has your frugal lifestyle been because he has been financially abusive?

You would be very wise to believe his snide dismissal of you and your children and not wait for him to spring anything on you.

I would also suggest you seek out a good solicitor that is recommended.

This is not a man who sees you as a long term partner IMO.

Being prepared is the best thing you could do.

@over2021

Also, if the roles were revered in this scenario you'd be told your husband was a cock lodger. Mumsnet at its finest.

Go and talk to your husband rather than strangers on the internet replying to a post that's clearly biased toward your viewpoint!

Nice bit of projecting there.

How could she be a cocklodger when she was at home raising her children.

@yellowpdfdocuments Don’t feel bad about your decision to stay home and look after your children, you’ve done the best job any mother can do for their children.

@JollyJoon

Its unfair the comments that hes a dickhead and it's all tthanks to you he has been allowed to flourish. Not really. He was probably imagining you would both be working and would just pay for childcare since you can easily afford it.

If I had kids and was well able to afford childcare I would be resentful if my partner were staying home while I was having to go out and make sure all the bills were paid. I get where he is coming from but in fairness to you both there probably should have been an open conversation about this at the start.

You would be resentful because their mother wanted to look after them herself rather than pay someone else to look after them? Wow!!

Thanks everyone. Don't worry, I wasn't trying to do down anyone else's choices.

There's more to it than just providing childcare.

Men in this situation are able to get up shower and leave for work and not have to think about anything else. They want to stay and have drinks after work or go on 2-hour bike rides, they just do it.
They don't have to arrange anything or ask permission.

They come home to a hot meal they didn't have to prepare, clean clothes in the closet, fridge full, house clean. They don't have to give any of it a single thought.
School isn't ringing them about a sick child. They don't have to think about getting children dressed, fed school, homework, activities.

They want to spend weekends playing football or golf. They just do it.

Having a wife who stays at home provides them a lifestyle where they can just think about their job and then whatever they want to do is much more than having a nanny.

They can reap the benefits and praise for having the family in nice photos on his desk. He picks up DC from school or goes to watch them play a sport a few times, he's given so much praise, he's practically a saint of a father.

I used to go away with work 2-5 days. I loved it, was like a mini holiday.

DH was home still working dealing with all the domestic and DC stuff all I had to do was phone up and say night. Got to eat out, work, sleep, socialise a bit. Sure I missed the DC and DH but I loved not having to share the load whilst I was away.

@RandomMess the first time I went away for work and like I said had my mum look after the kids, it was like a holiday (and I was working non stop). Getting up and having breakfast made, coming back to the hotel and having my bed made. Going out for dinner and eating a meal I didn't need to think about, shop for, cook, clean up after. I didn't have to worry about the kids after school activities, laundry, tidying, fights etc. It really brought home how easy my ex's life was. Our relationship finished soon after. And when we split and even now, just having them 50% of the time and even with working still seems like a holiday. I can't believe the bastard watched me struggle and didn't lift a finger or get domestic help (which he could easily afford) whilst I struggled, often on my own with 4 kids close in age.

RantyAunty

That is the thing. A friend of mine is a university professor but her career didn't really progress in the same way as her male colleagues until her children had flown the coup.

Nowadays women seem to be expected to do all the child-minding and housework as well as earning loads in a full-time job.

The right to work and the right to have an abortion have now been turned on us and we see women being told that they should have an abortion or, if she didn't have an abortion, the man should be able to just walk away from his responsabilities because it is all her fault.

On this very thread we are being told that any mother that wants to raise her own children is the equivalent of a cocklodger.

I'm the higher earner, by quite a margin, and DH works very part-time. I'm delighted with our set up - I get what men have always had, the chance to have a serious career and a family life without driving myself mad trying to juggle everything. I wouldn't be where I am if I'd had to do 50% of the child and house stuff when DD was small. I do more at home than most men with a SAHP do, but far, far less than any of my female friends.

I don't think your dh is being fair - we went from both being career driven to juggling whether I worked ft, pt, or had breaks due to issues with the kids and problems with the quality of the childcare available and our marriage has absorbed it because often your prior beliefs do have to change when tested by experience.

As you have a dh that doesn't value you @yellowpdfdocuments you need to value yourself and have a good think about what you want to do with the rest of your life, assuming you might be on your own, and what kind of shared care arrangement you're looking for if you split.

Tbh with some of these one hour a week parents like your oh, shared care would give you a hell of a lot of free time to invest in a job you liked.

You can't force someone to appreciate you, even if they're wrong.

@yellowpdfdocuments

Yes, the change is his work has recently gone astronomical and he’s having a great time, while I am exhausted/run down/worried about my next career move

This quote smacks of him on an ego boost of "look at me and how amazing I am, look at how I am at the top of my career"...."oh, you....woman at home...why aren't you as ambitious as the amazing women I work with who are career focused, interesting, up for a laugh on work social evenings....you there, at home when I really wanted a career wife"

Now he is a very big earner he will be re evaluating his whole life right now. Be very careful. I would start getting back to FT work as you have said. Watch him like a hawk....you may start to see gaslighting going on, more derogatory comments may appear and he will be at work more often. Both of you rushed into your relationship and never stopped to discuss your options and align yourselves to your future plans together. He is now starting to resent.

Yes, maybe.

God the world’s unfair sometimes!