Too high expectations or am I an idiot?

[ScorpioTwinkle1]

Hi Fellow Mumsnetters

I've been contemplating posting this but just feel so low.

I have been seeing someone who is 37 and still lives at home.
I am 36, live on my own and self sufficient.
Whilst I am somewhat ok that he still lives at home (maybe I've convinced myself I am), he has some emotional, mental issues I think, but I'm not sure exactly as he has not been forthcoming about this.

I have noticed the following:

1. He cannot talk about any sensitive subjects such as the future or having kids etc. He gets anxiety and then starts crying about any subject too serious. Which means the convo has to be kept light all the time or nothing about moving a relationship forward.
2. If he doesn't like something I say, he gets really arsy and shouts at me and then gives me the silent treatment for weeks until I make contact even though I haven't done anything wrong.
3. We can't go out because he only likes eating certain basic things and I like Michelin star dining

I feel so low right now because friends tell me I'm always settling for less than I deserve when I'm successful, intelligent and attractive(been told) but I feel like always such an idiot for constantly going for these types and I don't know why?

Am I expecting too much? What am I doing???

You're not expecting too much. He sounds hard work.

This person is absolutely covered in red flag bunting

Honestly, read your post back

You need to go to counselling if you believe it’s ‘high expectations’ to have a partner who doesn’t shout at you or wants to go out on a nice date with you

Women are not free brothels and rehab centres for damaged lowlifes

Chuck the whole man away and work on yourself or you’ll continue this pattern of draining relationships, as your friends have noted

Yikes OP. He shouts at you if he disagrees with your viewpoint? He gives you the silent treatment for weeks? He can't talk about sensitive things in a mature way?

What would you advise your friends?

You already know the answer and I'm sorry, it sucks. He isn't right for you - you want, need and deserve more.

OP, you are a competent, independent woman. You definitely aren't an idiot.

You can do much much better than a spoilt, bad tempered man child.

Being the only adult in a relationship is draining op.

Ime.

You do know that silent treatment ie sulking is emotional abuse don't you?

Run away

OK, you know you need to get rid of this guy. But the thing is to work out why you 'go for' these types. Firstly, if he's got some good stuff about him that attracted you in the first place, then lots of people would 'go for' him. The issue is that, when you get that feeling, (you know the one, the one where you know you just need to leave, but you persist) why do you do that. It's not the 'going for' this type that's the issue, it's the staying with this type. The reason you do it will be something to do with your childhood. You have been somehow conditioned to put your feelings to one side, because other things were more important.

Does that ring any bells? Did your parents talk openly and easily about their feelings together? Were you encouraged to express your feelings, and if you did, were they respected?

You aren’t compatible. He is not mature enough for the life you are hoping to build.. xox

He starts crying when you talk about a serious subject? As in waa waa boo hoo tears running down cheeks sort of thing? Sorry I couldn't put up with that. Do you really not eat out with him, not even a Margherita pizza in Pizza Express.

Sack him off he sounds like a knob

Run, run and don't look back. What you see now is the best you will get, his dating side, imagine what it would be like when his feet are under the table.

He sounds like a teenager ! Get rid you deserve better. !

Also, regardless of anything else, doesn't it just turn you right off him when he's reduced to tears by ordinary adult conversations?

There's a reason he's still living at home, and now you know what it is. He is clearly incapable of having a normal adult relationship, so I really wouldn't waste any more time on him.

Growing up I always felt like I had to achieve more and higher for my parents to love me. I mean I knew I was loved but they never made me feel that they were proud of me or affectionate, so I always craved it elsewhere. I've been single for 6 yrs and done really well just being on my own but I just want to be loved and be with someone to share life with. My mum somehow always made me feel that I was too picky or high maintenance because I like nice things but it's relative to my earnings.
Somehow this has made me feel that what I would like in a relationship doesn't exist because I want too much, so I just settle for sh**

Bloody hell crying over normal convos and giving you weeks of silent treatment. Id say maybe if this is typical for you....e.g. ending up with people totally wrong for you you've possibly wasted longer than necessary each time 'compromising' or 'understanding' rather than bailing at the early warnings

@ScorpioTwinkle1

Growing up I always felt like I had to achieve more and higher for my parents to love me. I mean I knew I was loved but they never made me feel that they were proud of me or affectionate, so I always craved it elsewhere. I've been single for 6 yrs and done really well just being on my own but I just want to be loved and be with someone to share life with. My mum somehow always made me feel that I was too picky or high maintenance because I like nice things but it's relative to my earnings. Somehow this has made me feel that what I would like in a relationship doesn't exist because I want too much, so I just settle for sh**

Did they show any signs of actually caring how you felt about all this, whilst it was happening? Or did you just have to shut up about your feelings and get on with trying to be perfect?

Sorry to be blunt but it sounds like he has fairly serious mental health issues

@ScorpioTwinkle1 - well done for recognising where your decisions have come from. This is the first steps in putting in boundaries and making decisions that are healthy and brave and going to make your future better rather than limit your horizons. Next!!!!!

Tbh the behaviour you describe sounds as if he has a learning disability. Is this the case?

Too high expectations?
Well you are certainly scraping the bottom of the bottomless barrel with this one.
You really need to raise your standards.

@Leicat I've tried to figure out if there is a mental disability without asking directly. He did say he doesn't deal with things very well. He doesn't know how.

Dump him
He sounds like a loser
Stop wasting your time

@TheFoundations I just had to shut up and put up. Even to this day my mum still tells me I'm being too fussy, I'm too uptight and serious, I'm too this and too that even though I'm a Director at the Biggest Tax Consultancies. So that seems to be installed in me that I want too much. She made me feel I want what is out of reach in relationships and that perfect didn't exist.
I feel so low. This posts is making me cry just talking about this