Too high expectations or am I an idiot?

[ScorpioTwinkle1]

Hi Fellow Mumsnetters

I've been contemplating posting this but just feel so low.

I have been seeing someone who is 37 and still lives at home.
I am 36, live on my own and self sufficient.
Whilst I am somewhat ok that he still lives at home (maybe I've convinced myself I am), he has some emotional, mental issues I think, but I'm not sure exactly as he has not been forthcoming about this.

I have noticed the following:

1. He cannot talk about any sensitive subjects such as the future or having kids etc. He gets anxiety and then starts crying about any subject too serious. Which means the convo has to be kept light all the time or nothing about moving a relationship forward.
2. If he doesn't like something I say, he gets really arsy and shouts at me and then gives me the silent treatment for weeks until I make contact even though I haven't done anything wrong.
3. We can't go out because he only likes eating certain basic things and I like Michelin star dining

I feel so low right now because friends tell me I'm always settling for less than I deserve when I'm successful, intelligent and attractive(been told) but I feel like always such an idiot for constantly going for these types and I don't know why?

Am I expecting too much? What am I doing???

He more than likely has some form of learning disability/SEND which is why his behaviour is the way it is, why he still lives with his parents and why they allow his behaviour.

I work with children with SEND and most of them are lovely and amazing but honestly if you carry on with this relationship you will end up replacing his mum as being his main carer and then you’ll find it even more difficult to leave.

@WonderfulYou I suspect this is the case as he is lovely in general which is what attracted me to him in the first place but lacks emotional intelligence and suffers from Anxiety. He doesn't like reading as he says he can't digest what he is reading whereas I have bookcases full of books. It just angers me that someone who clearly knowingly has a learning disability doesn't just make me aware of it, but instead makes me feel that I am doing everything wrong.

Could he be autistic? It would explain a lot I suppose but either way he should have been honest and told you!

He gets anxiety and then starts crying about any subject too serious.

Oh good grief how can you still find him attractive?!

If he doesn't like something I say, he gets really arsy and shouts at me and then gives me the silent treatment for weeks

Abusive

We can't go out because he only likes eating certain basic things and I like Michelin star dining

See 1st point

Chuck the whole man away and work on yourself or you’ll continue this pattern of draining relationships, as your friends have noted

Seconded - heartily!

Your post at 1903 you defo need good quality therapy

As does he tbh I agree he also needs assessed for other potential issues but I think it's largely due to how he's been raised

@gunnersgold I have a feeling he is, but try asking this guy a question such as that and I'll have further silent treatment. Surely he must know something aint right? He has had a long term relationship before

Why are you wasting your time with someone who cannot engage properly with life or relationships?!

He sounds pretty awful.

@ScorpioTwinkle1

He has ASD either diagnosed or undiagnosed;he has all the markers of it.His parents are essentially still acting as his careers.

This has no future;walk away.

He doesn't sound like a great catch. I'd probably be looking to move on.

1. He cannot talk about any sensitive subjects such as the future or having kids etc. He gets anxiety and then starts crying about any subject too serious. Which means the convo has to be kept light all the time or nothing about moving a relationship forward.
2. If he doesn't like something I say, he gets really arsy and shouts at me and then gives me the silent treatment for weeks until I make contact even though I haven't done anything wrong.

1 is enough to go running. 2 means he is a mean fucker as well as being an inadequate one. I'd put up with the food thing if it was my lovely dh - but I'd be a bit sad.

Seriously OP, you know full well that you can do way way way better than this one.

@WhenPushComesToShove

I've only skimmed thread but love the thought of him sulking/giving silent treatment and wondering how long it will take him to realise that his emotionally abusive manipulation has failed to get him what he wants. Oh to be a fly on the wall at that moment. You dear OP deserve way more and I'm sure deep down you know it. Good luck

I thought exactly the same there will come a point where he'll be completely baffled you haven't got in touch, and he'll text you with a breezy message as if nothing had happened, or even better a "u ok?" Because obviously, if you haven't come chasing after him then clearly you must be dead

Hilarious. I suspect that exact message of "Are you ok"

We can't go out because he only likes eating certain basic things and I like Michelin star dining

How on earth did you manage to meet ?: you sound like you worlds apart

He sounds horrible and you need to split up.

This bit baffles me the most:

"If he doesn't like something I say, he gets really arsy and shouts at me and then gives me the silent treatment for weeks."

Surely if a boyfriend gives you the silent treatment, after a few days you'd realise he's finished with you. I cannot comprehend why you are letting these episodes of shunning you, ignoring you, punishing you, go on for WEEKS and then still taking him back.

Most women would not take a man back after the very first such episode. He'd never get the chance to do it again even once, yet you are saying he's done this multiple times? And then he just starts talking to you and seeing again, and you allow it?

Yep, I am baffled.

@ScorpioTwinkle1

Hi Fellow Mumsnetters

I've been contemplating posting this but just feel so low.

I have been seeing someone who is 37 and still lives at home.
I am 36, live on my own and self sufficient.
Whilst I am somewhat ok that he still lives at home (maybe I've convinced myself I am), he has some emotional, mental issues I think, but I'm not sure exactly as he has not been forthcoming about this.

I have noticed the following:

1. He cannot talk about any sensitive subjects such as the future or having kids etc. He gets anxiety and then starts crying about any subject too serious. Which means the convo has to be kept light all the time or nothing about moving a relationship forward.
2. If he doesn't like something I say, he gets really arsy and shouts at me and then gives me the silent treatment for weeks until I make contact even though I haven't done anything wrong.
3. We can't go out because he only likes eating certain basic things and I like Michelin star dining

I feel so low right now because friends tell me I'm always settling for less than I deserve when I'm successful, intelligent and attractive(been told) but I feel like always such an idiot for constantly going for these types and I don't know why?

Am I expecting too much? What am I doing???

What are you doing? You're not running away when you should.

Lives with parents at 37 - RUN. This is not a "sorted" individual it's someone with issues that prevents them living a normal life eg money troubles, health troubles, extensive family ties eg full time carer etc. People like this aren't in a position to have a serious relationship, however lovely they may be, so unless you want a casual fling then steer clear.

Having MH issues on its own isn't a deal-breaker necessarily. But having MH issues and not being open and honest about what they are, what's being done to fix things as much as possible and what the likely outcome will be - RUN unless all you want is a casual fling. You can't have a serious relationship with someone who is harbouring gigantic secrets concerning things that will affect you life too (definitely if you ever move in with them and possibly before, as you've experienced).

Dictates terms of relationship, crying, getting arsey or sulky when he can't get his own way or to shut you down - RUN. This is emotionally abusive behaviour a.k.a. domestic abuse. Don't get back in touh to break the sulk. It's not your responsibility to fix the relationship when you've done nothing wrong. Even if he wants to repair the relationship and apologize, make it up to you etc, if there's no mitigating circumstances then he's effectively saying he chose to treat you that way and would now like to press the reset button and sweep it all under the carpet! The answer to that should be a resounding NO as you RUN AWAY, because he's basically asking if it is ok to disrespect you! Even if there is mitigating circumstances, if it happens a second time - RUN, because he's effectively saying he didn't respect you enough to take measures to ensure it never happened again.

Unwilling to compromise - RUN. Living with someone is full of compromises. He won't even go to a posh restaurant and ask for eg grilled fish and vegetables without any sauce or dressing, which I'm sure anyone in the kitchen could provide quite easily. Unwillingness to compromise is because you've found someone's "deal-breaker". In his case not being able to be completely selfish and do exactly what he wants when he wants is his deal-breaker. Meaning his compatible partner is someone with virtually no personality or opinions who is willing to put up with being completely controlled. I don't think this person exists and if they do, they're rare. Which is probably why he was single.

He waved a bunch of red flags in your face and you said ooh how pretty thanks very much. You're not alone in that response, but you need to wise up. It's not you picking bad ones, they rarely look like bad ones to start with since they're often experts at camouflage. The problem is you not running away when you should.

[quote ScorpioTwinkle1]@Leicat I've tried to figure out if there is a mental disability without asking directly. He did say he doesn't deal with things very well. He doesn't know how.[/quote]
This is something you shouldn't be doing in a relationship. You're not responsible for another adult or for their behaviour. It's not your job to figure him out.

He should be able to tell you about himself because he should have self awareness. You can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't, they'd be acting on impulse all the time, out of control. If he has a specific diagnosed condition meaning he needs some extra measures to accommodate it, he should be able to tell you this. Then you can decide if those extra measures are reasonable at all, and also whether they happen to be a deal-breaker for you or not. It's not your job to try to figure him out and make allowances, looking for a reason why he's a shitbag that makes it somehow not his fault. Just note if someone is a shitbag and RUN.

He should be taking responsibility for himself, which might mean going to the GP to ask for assistance/assessment on the grounds that he feels something is wrong with him and whatever it is wrong is severe enough to prevent him forming or maintaining relationships with others. If he's not capable of choosing to do that, then he needs a carer not a girlfriend.

He sounds like he's immature and possibly been mollycoddled by his parents ...

You're only seeing him and this sounds really depressing .... let it go x

[quote ScorpioTwinkle1]@TheFoundations I just had to shut up and put up. Even to this day my mum still tells me I'm being too fussy, I'm too uptight and serious, I'm too this and too that even though I'm a Director at the Biggest Tax Consultancies. So that seems to be installed in me that I want too much. She made me feel I want what is out of reach in relationships and that perfect didn't exist.
I feel so low. This posts is making me cry just talking about this[/quote]
You're not looking for perfect, you haven't described perfect, you're looking for decency. Decency should be the minimum you expect.

Do you ever challenge your mum when she says these lies? Because that's what they are. So you point out that you're not too fussy, too uptight, too serious and whatever else? Do you ask her to please keep her opinions about you to herself? Do you physically walk away, leave the room, go home etc if she keeps on (ie disrespects your boundary)? Hint: expect her to kick off like all abusers do when challenged on their behaviour. Sorry you've lived with this.

OMG, what do you see in him?

It's so old now but did you ever see Tootsie?

'Oh God I begged you to get some therapy'

This is me, begging you to get some therapy. And start being very, very picky about men. You are officially a Goddamn catch.

You are basically going out with Chairman Mao.You can do so much better than this.

Why are you with him?

Run!

The eating out thing alone would be a dealbreaker for me. The other points you mention are way more serious. You know what you need to do!

He sounds AWFUL. How did you get together?

@ScorpioTwinkle1 you're not in scotland by any chance OP? I've recently had dealings with the same type of guy, same age, still living at home, has the same issues mentioned 🤣

Anyways, he shouts at you is enough to say no thanks and move on. The crying is weird enough.