Too high expectations or am I an idiot?

[ScorpioTwinkle1]

Hi Fellow Mumsnetters

I've been contemplating posting this but just feel so low.

I have been seeing someone who is 37 and still lives at home.
I am 36, live on my own and self sufficient.
Whilst I am somewhat ok that he still lives at home (maybe I've convinced myself I am), he has some emotional, mental issues I think, but I'm not sure exactly as he has not been forthcoming about this.

I have noticed the following:

1. He cannot talk about any sensitive subjects such as the future or having kids etc. He gets anxiety and then starts crying about any subject too serious. Which means the convo has to be kept light all the time or nothing about moving a relationship forward.
2. If he doesn't like something I say, he gets really arsy and shouts at me and then gives me the silent treatment for weeks until I make contact even though I haven't done anything wrong.
3. We can't go out because he only likes eating certain basic things and I like Michelin star dining

I feel so low right now because friends tell me I'm always settling for less than I deserve when I'm successful, intelligent and attractive(been told) but I feel like always such an idiot for constantly going for these types and I don't know why?

Am I expecting too much? What am I doing???

I haven’t read the full thread, I will do. Already I can tell he sounds like my v recent ex. Mine I’m struggling to come to terms with wether he was a narcissist, sociopath or both..he never got angry, was ‘perfect’ but in ways the opposite. I’ve been drop fed over 5yrs behaviour that isn’t acceptable. The silent treatment isn’t acceptable and very upsetting and damaging amongst the other things they do.

I think the biggest thing for me was realising that if something wasn’t how he wanted it he would sulk, not cry just make a childish face and kind of look disappointed. They are like 2 yr olds in adult bodies.
Mine was left on him ignoring my last message. He will think I’m going to give in and message him..he’s in for a shock.
Do you normally make the peace and how does he react?

Also..sorry o forgot the living at home part.
I dated someone like this yrs ago, he was around the same age then. Lived with his parents and made up a ‘reason’ as time went on I figured something wasn’t right and finished things. He became awful and it was only then his dad rang me explaining he had mental health issues hence living at home.

@ScorpioTwinkle1

Is there even a need to end this so called relationship if the silent treatment is currently in progress/ongoing or can I just leave it be and never talk to him again? He can't drive/unwilling to learn, so I pick him up every week. I'm officially an idiot.

Nah, just block and move on.

In the meantime do some work on yourself as to why you keep picking these men and set up your boundaries.

I normally gave in after a time has passed but this time I'm not going to because I realised he really is not even an ounce worth it. Ticked zero of my boxes.
No own home, Can't drive, Stingy as hell, BO as doesn't wear any deodorant or Cologne, Terrible in bed/lazy.
I'm starting to think I was attracted due to all the things I disliked about him . Opposites attract and all that lol!

@ScorpioTwinkle1 eek I think it’s clear you’re done then! I still think mine ticked most boxes and miss him..hard isn’t it

OP you sound lovely and I’m glad you are seeing this for what it is.

Now all that energy you spent trying to fix him, (E.g. Thinking “if only he would try new things / deal with difficult subjects / separate from his parents) turn those thoughts around apply them to yourself.

What difficult subjects are you avoiding dealing with? What new things do you want to try that you are avoiding? What would it look like for you to separate from your parents influence (I know you don’t reply on them financially but your mother’s words and attitude are still driving you, you haven’t separated emotionally).

It’s easier to focus on someone else and try to fix them, rather than applying all that wisdom to ourselves, which is probably why you were drawn to him. You’re not an idiot. Your trying to fix something, but you were applying it to the wrong person.

Take this time and listen to your inner wisdom. It may be advisable to get a counsellor to help you work through this as it is deep ingrained patterns, but do start looking at what you wanted to change in him. It will be in a different form, but it will be there. (E.g. you wanted him to shower and take care of himself. I’m assuming you do shower, but you do need to wash away negative through sets about yourself and take care of your feelings like pp said above).

That last sentence should read “ negative thoughts about”

Start by writing a list of everything he ends to change in his life, then re-read it and apply it to yourself.

Goodness your friends are right I. This instance - he sounds like a complete weirdo OP! Throw him back in the sea.

I'm with your friends on this one OP. You deserve sooooo much better

He does shower. Just doesn't use nice smelly stuff and I'm a Tom Ford kinda girl

@yogaqueenhood Did your man cry as well? Gosh

Obviously you need to bin him off. Not sure if I've ever seen a more 100% thread!

Get yourself on the Stately Homes thread op, and/or get some therapy. You have a pattern of putting other people's needs in front of your own. You've been taught that your feelings are invalid, don't exist, and don't matter. You deserve better.

Your expectations are not too high OP
And you're also not an idiot

But you do need to bin this one and get yourself back out there and find an actual adult.
One that eats proper food for a start, and doesn't yell at you when he disagrees. And one that doesn't smell. Or still live with his parents.

Thank you all for the wise words! Just cooked myself a beautiful meal of Lobster Thermidor and Scallops with a lovely wine! Blocked the asshole and don't even feel sad about it. If anything, I regret and kick myself for the time wasted on him that could have been spend on other guys.

I know it might sound extravagant but it's food I couldn't eat whilst dating him as his food choices were limited

Dating is supposed to be fun & exciting & you look forward to spending time together

Your BF provides none of this

End the relationship & find someone exciting !

Glad to hear you're getting rid of this awful 'relationship' OP.
It sounds like you have the means to get some excellent counselling for yourself, that's my suggestion - to unpick how you ended up with this guy, the issues with how your mother has made you feel etc - it could be life changing for you.

Well done OP. He was abusive - stay well away.

He (genuinely) sounds just like my 8 year old.

He lives at home. Doesn’t like to talk about serious subjects. Gets cross if you disagree with him. Very fussy at home.

Oh - and a bit rubbish at washing properly in the shower.

Yep - just like my 8 year old. Who is a lovely lovely boy. But not for dating!

Where on earth did you meet him

And lobster and scallops sound amazing btw!

We met online. We engaged really well with each other online but I suspect he hid most of his issues. Was good with using play of words to avoid giving direct yes or no answers.

You've made the right decision btw.
Have you blocked him?

OP if you ever feel like caving in and contacting him get back on here, we'll help you

I haven't contacted him. I just wonder what goes on in someones mind when they do something like giving someone silent treatment? Like why and what the person thinks this will achieve?

It's abuse. Its horrible and over time the victim is trained, without even realising it, to do whatever is necessary to make it not happen again. Ditto argument, violence etc. It achieves the victim sidelining their own wants and needs to passify the abuser. Because the only way to prevent the nasty stuff happening is if the abuser gets their own way 100% of the time. The abusers do it because it works. They get to be as selfish as they want with no comeback.

Generally the worst that happens is their partner leaves them. Very few will be prosecuted or face any official consequences, even those who have done very obvious things like beatings and violent rape. The ones who do invisible things like financial control, coercing their partner into sex (which is rape) or whatever, or emotional abuse are even less likely to face consequences because it s harder to prove I suppose and maybe less likely to be reported too. Coercive control wasn't even a crime until recently.

Some of them go further, they actively enjoy crushing someone down to nothing, so they deliberately make it so the victim can't win, eg setting a time limit for the weekly shop but not telling the victim, so when they return "late" they can be accused of getting upto all sorts instead of coming home and punished accordingly.