Too high expectations or am I an idiot?

[ScorpioTwinkle1]

Hi Fellow Mumsnetters

I've been contemplating posting this but just feel so low.

I have been seeing someone who is 37 and still lives at home.
I am 36, live on my own and self sufficient.
Whilst I am somewhat ok that he still lives at home (maybe I've convinced myself I am), he has some emotional, mental issues I think, but I'm not sure exactly as he has not been forthcoming about this.

I have noticed the following:

1. He cannot talk about any sensitive subjects such as the future or having kids etc. He gets anxiety and then starts crying about any subject too serious. Which means the convo has to be kept light all the time or nothing about moving a relationship forward.
2. If he doesn't like something I say, he gets really arsy and shouts at me and then gives me the silent treatment for weeks until I make contact even though I haven't done anything wrong.
3. We can't go out because he only likes eating certain basic things and I like Michelin star dining

I feel so low right now because friends tell me I'm always settling for less than I deserve when I'm successful, intelligent and attractive(been told) but I feel like always such an idiot for constantly going for these types and I don't know why?

Am I expecting too much? What am I doing???

As he lives with his parents, I assume you’ve met them? If they are approachable I would think about asking them.

@Leicat his parents seems to condone this behaviour. Babies him. "Aww don't worry my dear it's ok". Everything is ok. Never just say son suck it up. I cringe everytime I visit.

then starts crying about any subject too serious

This would turn me off so quick I wouldn't care about the other stuff.

Honestly do you want to deal with a man with these characteristics? I understand wanting love and affection and an emotional connection but you wont get it with this one. He cant even talk about serious issues without crying. How do you connect with someone like that? I think I'd rather be single than deal with that.

[quote ScorpioTwinkle1]@TheFoundations I just had to shut up and put up. Even to this day my mum still tells me I'm being too fussy, I'm too uptight and serious, I'm too this and too that even though I'm a Director at the Biggest Tax Consultancies. So that seems to be installed in me that I want too much. She made me feel I want what is out of reach in relationships and that perfect didn't exist.
I feel so low. This posts is making me cry just talking about this[/quote]
Near perfect can exist, but most men are entitled and lazy and generally mediocre.

You are clearly in a position to build a gorgeous life for yourself. I know you feel lonely, but you don’t need to settle for absolute losers just so you have a man in your life.

Friends, pets, travels- and if a man who is worth sharing your life with comes along, great.

[quote ScorpioTwinkle1]@TheFoundations I just had to shut up and put up. Even to this day my mum still tells me I'm being too fussy, I'm too uptight and serious, I'm too this and too that even though I'm a Director at the Biggest Tax Consultancies. So that seems to be installed in me that I want too much. She made me feel I want what is out of reach in relationships and that perfect didn't exist.
I feel so low. This posts is making me cry just talking about this[/quote]
At some point you need to stop putting so much focus on what your parents think/say/want and stop seeking their approval, and doing what's best for you. You get one life and if your parent's lack of affection/validation is still affecting your love life choices - I would consider therapy to break this unhealthy dynamic they have instilled in you.

You are obviously independent and well traveled and worldly enough to have seen what healthy relationships look like, with friends, colleagues, just couples out and about. Do you think the relationship you are in is a healthy one? Why should you parents and friends have any influence on your life or know more about relationships than you?

Dump him, spend time working on your self esteem and re-thinking what a good relationship for you will look like, and stop discussing your love life with your parents or friends. It's none of their business, you do what's best for you, and only tell them once you're happy and settled.

His parents must love you - a chance to get rid of him at long last.

Surely you can see he's not right for you ?

@Pumpkinsonparade

Being the only adult in a relationship is draining op.

Ime.

In my experience too. You are crazy to think this an adult relationship. You really need to be moving on now and find a suitable partner to grow with. Leave this one with his mum.

My sister's counsellor gave her a really good tip. Write out your problem as though it is a newspaper story about you.

'Professional woman with love of fine dining dates cellar-dwelling weeper with food and intimacy issues. She chases him, feels bad about it.'

See how it sounds? Dump him and hang in there, OP. I met my husband when I was 37 and he was 44. My best friend just started her particular journey to happiness as a single mum. Just don't settle.

Reading your further posts, I do think you should write a list of your achievements, your attributes and your ambitions.

Refer to it when you feel diminished and try and work out where your man-baby fits into your future. Please take it from me, he doesn't.

Out of all the men you could be with, I don’t know why you would choose him.

OP if one of your friends told you they were seeing this man what would your advice be?

Is there even a need to end this so called relationship if the silent treatment is currently in progress/ongoing or can I just leave it be and never talk to him again?
He can't drive/unwilling to learn, so I pick him up every week. I'm officially an idiot.

Your friends are right, you deserve more than this man child.

What do you like about him? where did you find him

You aren’t an idiot.
I wouldn’t bother contacting him, he’s having a sulk. Walk away without having to mummy him first.

@ufucoffee

OP if one of your friends told you they were seeing this man what would your advice be?

I would seriously have strong words with them and tell them they need to have their heads examined. Same how I cringe at my situation every week.

My god. Women are not rehabs for teenage boys men.

He cries about serious convos, silent treatment for days, doesn't drive, lives with his mum and won't go out with you.

Does he have a glittery, vibrating cock? Because I fail to see what else could possibly be attractive.

Don't listen to your mum, keep your standards. Make the silence permanent ffs.

Just ghost him , does he work? Honestly you sound awesome amd he sounds like a loser!

😀 you really are an idiot but it's okay, we've all been there. I have lots of equally ridiculous stories of stuff I've put up with from crap men.

The brilliant news is that he doesn't live in your house and he's currently giving you the silent treatment. Simply delete/block him on everything and get on with your life.

And stop listening to your mum. You sound lovely.

@ScorpioTwinkle1

Is there even a need to end this so called relationship if the silent treatment is currently in progress/ongoing or can I just leave it be and never talk to him again? He can't drive/unwilling to learn, so I pick him up every week. I'm officially an idiot.

Block and delete. Does this relationship deserve any more than that?

The guy is a fucking loser

No text monologues from you, no closure, just move on.

[quote ScorpioTwinkle1]@TheFoundations I just had to shut up and put up. Even to this day my mum still tells me I'm being too fussy, I'm too uptight and serious, I'm too this and too that even though I'm a Director at the Biggest Tax Consultancies. So that seems to be installed in me that I want too much. She made me feel I want what is out of reach in relationships and that perfect didn't exist.
I feel so low. This posts is making me cry just talking about this[/quote]
So, what it means to become an adult is that we have learned how to parent ourselves, so we don't need our parents anymore. And the way that we do that is by copying the parenting we've received, until we can do it just the same, and then we can move out of home and do for ourselves what our parents have done.

And that's exactly what you're doing. You meet someone, they seem nice, and that's great. And then they reveal some not so nice bits of themselves, and you have some feelings about not being particularly happy, and those feelings can get as big as you like; you won't leave, because you've learned to put up with and shut up about your feelings. And you're still spending time with your mum, so this is being perpetually re-inforced.

Start listening to your feelings, and respecting them. When you feel the 'this relationship doesn't seem so good, actually...' feeling, listen to what it's telling you. Listen to all your feelings, all the time. If you've said yes to drinks with friends, and then don't feel like it, tell them you've changed your mind and don't go. If you've defrosted your dinner already but you suddenly feel like fish and chips, do it. This responsiveness to your feelings will echo around your life and gradually, your feelings will do the same as anybody else does when they receive a high level of respect: they will be happy and fulfilled.

And back away from your mum. Do it gradually. Less time each time, and less times overall. You don't need to say anything to her; this is your change. But subtly pull back over a period of time until she's much less of a feature in your life. She's not good for you, and you know that: that's the first feeling you need to start respecting.

I've only skimmed thread but love the thought of him sulking/giving silent treatment and wondering how long it will take him to realise that his emotionally abusive manipulation has failed to get him what he wants. Oh to be a fly on the wall at that moment. You dear OP deserve way more and I'm sure deep down you know it. Good luck

Oh my goodness, be thankful he's ignoring you. No need for an awkward conversation. He sounds dreadful!!!!

Run run run run run and don't look back.

My friends say for someone that has fuckall to offer, he sure behaves like he is Gods gift.
I don't know how his ex put up with it for years though.

How did you meet? I'm just curious how your paths would ever cross, you sound so different.

@TheFoundations thank you for this. I don't see my mum often as she lives abroad but there is so many take aways from your post that I will follow.