Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

@MareofBeasttown We were clip clopping along, all being respectful of differences and then, suddenly I know that makes me unusual in many respects due to the wish of many parents to prioritise their own identity and interests

You are clearly failing your offspring and SHE IS BETTER THAN YOU.

Just off to call my white British parents egotistical and self obsessed for giving me a double barrelled name 40 years ago...

Funnily enough, we have couples we're friends with who have different names and we all affectionately call them a combination of both their names merged, so e.g.

Anderson + Bloomberg "Shall we invite the Anderbergs/ Bloomsons over for dinner?"

(Note: not their real names.... )

@Jng1 How on Earth did he not realise it’s the same thing you’ve been dealing with for decades?!

[quote MooncakeandAvocato]@Jng1 How on Earth did he not realise it’s the same thing you’ve been dealing with for decades?![/quote]
Well, exactly!

Yes I did because even if I kept my maiden name, it’s still patriarchal - my dad’s name. So a pointless argument imo. Ideally would have come up with our own name but CBA with the ‘confusion’ and comments from people plus I was 22 so didn’t think much about it further than my first point.

I took DH name. Want our children to have the same surname as me and all of us to have the same surname and to carry on his family name in future generations.

Changed it but regretted 30 years later when divorced and had to change everything back again. It's such a nuisance, passport, drivers licence, utilities ect. I would advise against changing it. If I had my time to go again I would probably give both to children, not necessarily hyphened, so there is a choice which to use later on.

I kept my own name. We got married 2019. It was not even a big discussion with DH - he knew how I felt and agrees with me.

My immediate family had no issue or surprise as I made this choice known as a teenager. Some of my extended family presumed I had changed so we did get some Mr & Mrs Hisname cards, they were corrected by my mother and all but one never did it again. The one that did continued the following year but actually got my husband's surname wrong Christmas 2020 (think Mr & Mrs Monople when his name is Money - so not just sent us the wrong card) so when I sent her a card I wrote our names on the back of the envelope - we shall see if it worked next month

My friends all either knew from previous discussions or when they asked after the engagement I told them and nobody questioned it. (To be fair I can be a crank so they knew it would be pointless)

My husband's family initially assumed I would become Mrs Hisname but were advised this was not the case upon our engagement and never had an issue. However, his dad died when he was a child and MIL remarried many years ago and had taken SFIL name so DH name was only shared by his brothers so perhaps not so 'controversial' as there is not one encompassing 'family' name on his side.

What surprised me most was DH friends reaction. They all assumed I would change my name and some of the male members of the social group did question my choice in a manner that suggested it had never been discussed before their weddings. His main group friends are all from his uni days, all attended Oxbridge, most stayed for postgrad and the majority have middle class - upper middle class backgrounds. They would all mainly fall into the demographic (SE England but not all London) that the OP placed herself in and yet I am very much the odd one out.

(My social group is probably more working/lower middle class. Most of us the first generation to go to uni and most left uni after undergrad - unless they did PGCE and all original from northern cities. I am still the odd one out but as I said nobody thought it weird I didn't change)

Our children are/will be double barrelled. DH was given the choice it is either both our names or just my name so he went for option 1.

I did but it was 31 yeas ago soo much less common not to. Double barrelling both our names would sound odd to me as they sound very similar so I’m not sure what I’d have done with children’s names if I hadn’t changed my name.
I have no particular attachment to my original surname, is very common as is my married name.

I did not change my name on marriage and still use my maiden name. However, I we did not double barrel DD's name, she just has her father's name. MIL gleefully addresses all cards etc to "Mrs HisName", DH has asked what was the point of getting married and DD doesn't like the fact that we don't all have the name same. Double-barrelling the two would make a name that is far too long, though.

@WakeUpLockie You’re obviously entitled to take your DH’s name for any reason, but I’ve never understood this particular perspective, at all. Why is a woman’s name ‘her father’s name’, but a man’s name is just his name?

The name you grew up with and identify with is your name, wherever it came from. The fact that it may have come to you via sexist or misogynistic practices isn’t particularly relevant to me. You can’t change the past, but you can choose your future and whether you continue those customs.

Much like DH’s name is his name, from birth till death; my name is mine, for the entirety of my life.

@ErmineAndPearls That all sounds incredibly irritating. Have you asked your DH why he didn’t change his name, then? If having the same name is ‘the point of being married’ in his opinion.

@Thatsthewaytis

I took DH name. Want our children to have the same surname as me and all of us to have the same surname and to carry on his family name in future generations.

Did you discuss all of you having your last name, at any point?

I didn't change my name because my husband wanted to keep his as it was, and I didn't think our marriage changed me more than it changed him. I wouldn't have wanted him to change to mine. I would have considered double-barreling, but we made the choice to have different names.

It hasn't affected our sense of partnership or our love for each other.

As for "not part of our culture," I really think the pp should have a stern talk with the Anstruther-Gough-Calthorpes.

Oh I did have one male work colleague ask me the point of getting married if I did not take DH's name. I answered that I wanted to be his next of kin, we are the people who know each other best in this world and if someone is deciding whether or not to turn off his life support it was not going to be his Mother!

@WakeUpLockie

Yes I did because even if I kept my maiden name, it’s still patriarchal - my dad’s name. So a pointless argument imo. Ideally would have come up with our own name but CBA with the ‘confusion’ and comments from people plus I was 22 so didn’t think much about it further than my first point.

I have a younger brother. We have to same surname. Why does he own the name but I have only borrowed it from my Dad until I found a husband to give me his instead?

Or if everyone's dad owns their name why would I take my DH's dad's name rather than the man who raised me?

(Obviously I believe my name is my own so I just kept it)

[quote MooncakeandAvocato]@Shoxfordian I think, if we weren’t double barrelling, I’d want DC to have my name. I’m the one who will be carrying them around in me for nine months and then shooting watermelons through my keyhole, so I think I should get in on the naming action. However, our last names work really well together, so they get both.

I think it’s interesting how many women appear to have kept their birth name, but given DC their partner’s last name. Super interested in their reasons, as it’s not something I’d ever consider.[/quote]
I'm an obnoxious feminist - used Ms from the moment I realised the connotations of Miss around age 14 but I gave my DS his dad's surname.
I have the official reason which is that DS is half and I wanted him to feel connected to that nationality since he would be raised here. In fact that has proved to be really important especially as he looks like me (fair Caucasian) and would be taken for 100% white English without the name.
But honestly the real reason is that XH would have given me a battle about it and I didn't have the will. I was younger and very invested in the marriage working and it didn't feel like a huge deal considering I got to be mum which I'm sorry I do feel is a massive privilege in a child's life.
If I were to have a baby now (got forbid) I would give it my surname but I'm 41 as opposed to 27 and I now give fewer shits.

Personally don't see why you wouldn't change your name, changing mine when I marry next year.

@thinkhorsesnotzebra DH is also Oxbridge (I’m not, think arty London unis), as are his mates. And we all have far too many postgrad degrees. I'm not British, but he is and so are most of his friends. It sounds like you and I know very similar sorts of people, so it’s interesting that our experiences are so different. Are we roughly the same age, as well? Early 30’s?

@MooncakeandAvocato no. My DH is the only person now with his family name so if it wasn’t his name the name would die out. I have a huge family and multiple next generation carrying on my family name already.

@ErmineAndPearls

I did not change my name on marriage and still use my maiden name. However, I we did not double barrel DD's name, she just has her father's name. MIL gleefully addresses all cards etc to "Mrs HisName", DH has asked what was the point of getting married and DD doesn't like the fact that we don't all have the name same. Double-barrelling the two would make a name that is far too long, though.

I did change my name, but why does it seem like so many people are unaware of the “point” of getting married. For me, changing my name was something I did that was completely separate to the point of getting married in the first place. If nothing else, do people who say “why did you bother getting married then” not understand the legal implications of marriage? Do they think it’s sole purpose is as a vehicle for name changing?

Nope. Married twice and always stuck to my name. Current in laws have issues with it and send passive aggressive cards in my DH’s name but that’s their problem. Children have two different surnames as I have a v long surname that doesn’t really double barrel.

Didn't change my name 31 years ago. Only person who cared was MIL but probably pleased because it gave her something else to moan about. I think she felt offended on her DS's behalf.

Our DS has my name as middle name and DHs as last name. Sometimes DS uses all 3 names to his advantage as my name/his middle name is the same as someone famous in his line of work and folk assume he's related.

I changed mine and I still have that name 22 years after I divorced him. It's a better name than my birth one which is difficult for the majority of people to spell, let alone pronounce.