Did you change your name when you got married?

[MooncakeandAvocato]

I’m getting married soon. I will not be changing my last name - it’s not a practice that appeals to either of us. Any children will be double barrelled. This is a decision with which we’re both very happy.

This has come up in conversation with our families and friends and the reactions have been interesting. Nothing particularly negative, as we’re very much the demographic for this sort of thing, but a few of my female friends/relatives (none of the male ones) have expressed mild surprise that I ‘don’t want his name’ and ‘he’s okay with it’.

I find this interesting, so I thought I’d bring it to MN. Did you change your last name upon marriage? Why or why not? Do you regret your decision to change/not change it?

To be perfectly clear, I am happy with our decision (not canvassing for opinions on it). I am also entirely supportive of every woman and every couple choosing the naming convention that best works for them, so not judging people for doing things differently to us. Just interested in hearing people‘s experiences.

I kept my maiden name. My twins have DH's name, as he cared more about it. The twins do have my surname as their middle name and are very cute as they insist on telling everyone that they have another surname too, it's just in the middle. Bless them, they are only three.

I would have loved to double barrel us all, but the names do not work together at all. I have a friend recently married with a baby who had a double barrelled maiden name, and when she got married her and her DH made a new name from all their names.

Many people expect DC and their parents to have the same surnames so it does cause a bit of confusion sometimes. Not enough yet to make me go through the effort of changing my name though.

I think it's egotistical to insist on a child having both names at their inconvenience

When you're a parent you will understand !

Children don't want the hassle of a long name. Or having a different name to their parent

I wasn't so invested in myself I needed to make my child's life more difficult rather than just agreeing a family name with their father

If you're in a culture where traditionally double barrelled names are a thing you wouldn't be so concerned about it, the same way I have no concern about my choice, it was what my family did historically and made sense to me.

If I really wanted my name rather than my ex husbands I would have suggested it and I'm sure he equally wouldn't have cared. Tradition prevailed but not through misogyny

@mymumwouldntapprove “I think it’s really up to the kids in question to decide what they want to do as and when the time comes, as we’re doing now.

However, in cultures that traditionally double barrelled last names, the custom is for people to keep their birth names upon marriage and give their kids a double barrelled name that comprises one name from each parent. So, for example Maria Sanchez Ortega marries Eduardo Fernández Garrido and all of their kids are XX Ortega Garrido. Historically, the father’s last name came first, but that’s no longer the case, so you can do them in whatever order you like.”

It was addressed here. As you’d have seen if you read the full thread. It’s a bit bizarre that you find double barrelled children possibly only passing on one of their names to a child to be problematic, but have no issue with women dropping their last name entirely.

Nobody has called you old fashioned. I certainly haven’t. You can go with whatever naming conventions you choose, that’s entirely your decision and business. However, if you call the choices of others ‘silly’, expect them to respond in kind.

Iv officially double barrelled and it does sound a bit ridiculous but it's fine as I still really just use my own name day to day. I wasn't going to change mine at all, to both DM and DMIL's disgust but decided one we were married that I'd like to have his name as a middle name but the it sounded better the other way round so doubled barrelled it is!

@mrsplum2015

I think it's egotistical to insist on a child having both names at their inconvenience

When you're a parent you will understand !

Children don't want the hassle of a long name. Or having a different name to their parent

I wasn't so invested in myself I needed to make my child's life more difficult rather than just agreeing a family name with their father

If you're in a culture where traditionally double barrelled names are a thing you wouldn't be so concerned about it, the same way I have no concern about my choice, it was what my family did historically and made sense to me.

If I really wanted my name rather than my ex husbands I would have suggested it and I'm sure he equally wouldn't have cared. Tradition prevailed but not through misogyny

There are multiple people in this thread with double barrelled names and who have kids with double barrelled names. My brother is double-barrelled, and has always been perfectly happy with it. Some of our friends are double barrelled, their kids are double barrelled, our nieces and nephews are double barrelled. They are all perfectly happy and none of these people feel inconvenienced. It’s not some niche unique thing that we’ve invented.

So, no, lots of parents (and double barrelled kids and adults) disagree with you. ‘When you’re a parent you’ll understand’ doesn’t quite cut it, here.

I didn’t say I was in a culture that does anything, one way or another. I pointed out that I wasn’t white or British, and that the fact that you assumed that was the context of the conversation was problematic. It speaks to your small mindedness.

I’m also not ‘so concerned’ about anything. This msg surprise you, but it’s possible to be genuinely interested in what other people have experienced, whilst being happy with one’s own decisions. As is clear from my post, I’m not canvassing opinions. I just thought this was an intriguing topic of conversation and was interested in what others had done. With the exception of you and one other poster, who don’t seem to understand that it is possible to hold a view without denigrating the decisions of others, this has been a pleasant and engaging thread.

I took on my DH's name...do I need a reason as to why I took it?
Was a bit of a faff changing my name for various things, but, in the long run, it's no big deal. We also got a wedding cheque for Mr and Mrs DH's name so had to open a joint bank account to deposit it which would've meant me changing my name anyway.
My name doesn't define me...if it does, my first name is also the name of a quiche! Doesn't make me a quiche!

I use both names. Just because I like to use them both. I never changed my maiden name on any of my documents liek drivers licence or passport. I have bank accounts in both names. I used my married name professionally for a bit then on a whim double barrelled it then went back to married name.

Only issue I have is that I have to remember what my docs are in when booking fligths and things.

I changed mine to DH's. Anything else never even came into the equation for us. I wanted the 3 of us to all have the same name (we have a ds) and I didn't want DH to change his as then he'd have the same name as my mother who I'm estranged from due to childhood abuse. I absolutely LOVE my new name for so many reasons including now having the same surname as my nieces and nephews and feeling like part of the family. Couldn't care less what other people do.

I added his to mine. My maiden name is part of my identity (related nickname), so it wouldn't have been right to discard it.

@PolytheneRam Can I ask why you added his to yours? Did you really want a shared name? Did he add yours to his?

Changed mine because I’d never liked my surname and his was better.

If mine as better then I’d probably have kept mine. It is nice us all having on name though, my sister kept her name but th childrn hve their dad’s and that’s weird to me that th children and mum have different surnames.

No way would I have taken DH’s name if it was something like Mr Pratt / Mr Badcock etc.

In an ideal world I’f have liked to combin our names but they were both already quite long and would have sounded dumb together.

I do know a Miss East who married a Mr Wood and they became Mr & Mrs Eastwood which I thought was nice.

I'm not married but when we do get married I won't be taking my boyfriends name. I've told friends this in the past and have been met with shock and 'why not?' 'what's the point in getting married then?' Etc etc etc. I used to want to take my bf's name as I thought it was a nice tradition, until I actually sat and thought about how patriarchal it is and how historically it is all about ownership and how men never have to change their names and how it is MY name and MY identity. I thought of all the women who are dead whose grave stones are a completely different name to the one they were born with and it just made me sad. If someone wants to change their name then fine but it's just not for me.

Ok I can't keep going on this as have things to do

Your posts come across as superior in particular references to misogyny etc

I have my views and they are quite strong. In a culture where double barrelled is not typical I don't agree it's preferable for kids and as a mother that is always my first thought. I know that makes me unusual in many respects due to the wish of many parents to prioritise their own identity and interests.

I am not small minded I was just correctly assuming that double barrelled is not the traditional choice in your culture ( the actual skin colour and nationality aren't relevant to my point ).

[quote MooncakeandAvocato]@PolytheneRam Can I ask why you added his to yours? Did you really want a shared name? Did he add yours to his?[/quote]
DH wanted me to be a Mrs, and Mrs Maidenname would've been like I was married to my dad!

DH has changed his name on social media, but four years on hasn't got round to changing it officially. His business name includes his name too, so it's a bit complicated.

DS has the double-barrelled name.

There's never enough bloody space on forms to fit it all in though, and I have to right my name many many times at work (hospital ward).

[quote MooncakeandAvocato]@Shoxfordian I think, if we weren’t double barrelling, I’d want DC to have my name. I’m the one who will be carrying them around in me for nine months and then shooting watermelons through my keyhole, so I think I should get in on the naming action. However, our last names work really well together, so they get both.

I think it’s interesting how many women appear to have kept their birth name, but given DC their partner’s last name. Super interested in their reasons, as it’s not something I’d ever consider.[/quote]
I'm one of those who gave DC my partner's surname. All I cared about was having a healthy baby after a long fertility journey so I didn't put much thought into her surname. I just don't think it matters as long as you both love their first name and each other🥰

@mrsplum2015

Ok I can't keep going on this as have things to do

Your posts come across as superior in particular references to misogyny etc

I have my views and they are quite strong. In a culture where double barrelled is not typical I don't agree it's preferable for kids and as a mother that is always my first thought. I know that makes me unusual in many respects due to the wish of many parents to prioritise their own identity and interests.

I am not small minded I was just correctly assuming that double barrelled is not the traditional choice in your culture ( the actual skin colour and nationality aren't relevant to my point ).

Personally I am finding that it is your posts that are coming across as superior.

'As a mother'
'You will understand when you are a mother'

Patronising and condescending. It is the same tone as when women are told 'oh you will change your mind when you are older'

OP has merely been pointing out the flaws in your points and you have decided that because you are a mother you possess some infinite wisdom that she could not possibly understand.

That fact is that millions of people have double barrelled names and the fact that in certain cultures we only use one and operate with a male default is inherently misogynistic.

I did, but my surname wasn't 'mine', it was my Step-dad's. It was changed when I was around 10. The family is quite well known (not in a good way!) where I lived when we got married, so I was quite happy to be rid of it!
Also, I was quite young (24) when we married. I've got a lot more 'angry feminist' as I get towards middle age , so probably wouldn't take his name now.

@Jk987 I’m glad your baby is healthy. However, I’m not sure I agree with “I just don't think it matters as long as you both love their first name and each other.”

There is a tendency to default to the male partner’s last name for DC, and I’d like to discuss why (not necessarily with you). I do think it matters.

I've never experienced any problem with having a different surname to my children, who have their father's surname (with my surname as a middle name for both, but it's a name that works that way).

Interesting on how this thread has evolved into a competition about who loves their children more.....

I come from a very traditional and misogynistic culture btw. The DC seem to manage the huge burden of not having the same name as me....

I got together with my DP when I was 20.
He became my DH when i was 30.
I kept my own surname.
We had our DD when I was 42.
DD has my surname.
Occasionally I’m referred to as Mrs Hisname
Slightly more often he is referred to as Mr Myname.
Some people who have known us for 10+ years (or our whole lives) still didn’t seem to know we have different surnames and seem embarrassed they didn’t know, but entirely unfazed when they find out. Neither of us have much of a social media presence though so I wonder how else they might find out unless we made a point of it.

I didn't change mine (24 years ago). Parents in law quietly disapproved I suspect and used to address cards to Mr & Mrs DH Surname. It annoyed me but when I raised it with DH he more or less said 'it's just how they are, don't make a fuss'. Became an issue when they sent money to us in lieu of Christmas gifts and sent a cheque addressed to Mrs DHSurname which I couldn't cash . DH took it to 'sort out' but I don't think I ever got a replacement.

Kids have DH's surname, although DS1 has my name as a family middle name. It WAS a bit of pain at school but people soon worked it out.
I think (traditional) DH was a bit disappointed that I didn't take his name but knew better than to voice it. I was disappointed he didn't speak out in support of my decision when his father would say (about me) "oh yes, she didn't change her name, did she, she's one of those modern women"

Interesting reaction was when DH came to an industry dinner of mine as my partner and was listed as Mr MySurname. He was really offended, said it 'wasn't his name' and didn't seem to understand that's how I might have felt my whole life if I'd changed my name!

An old (still married) school friend told me recently that she wished she had't changed her name 30 years ago after marriage and she wouldn't do it again.

I did, I married young and it was really just easier at the time. If I married now I definitely wouldn't, and I have been very tempted to change it back.

It's an archaic tradition that needs to disappear in my opinion.